Bark. One more thing does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . With Stephen Colbert tonight, social distancing, plus stephen welcomes trevor noah, and musical guests willie, lukas and micah nelson, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody. Welcome to a late show. I am still your host Stephen Colbert. My crew is still one of my children. Tonight it is my son john. Hello, john. Havebe ltht. Youre not micd. Hello stephen there you go. John is doing his homework right now. Hes in high school about to graduate. What homework are you doing now . Im reading beloved by toni morrison. Stephen beloved by toni morrison. Is it funny . I dont know. It could be a kneeslapper. Im ignorant. How many pages are on . Um, page four. Stephen page four maybe its all set up, maybe theres a punchline coming up on the next page. I hope you had a lovely weekend. Actually, i hope you had a weekend because that means you can still differentiate the days of the week. I know that one of these past couple of days had to be a saturday because i, along with the jimmies, cohosted one world together at home which raised 120 million for the w. H. O. And frontline healthcare workers. Thank you, lady gaga, and thank you to all the corporations that donated money like cocacola and pepsi and spanx. By the way, if you wear spanx as a face mask it will really firm up your butt chin. Oh, check your calendars today is 42whoo ethay home, stay on the couch, eat snacks, binge watch netflix and really get paranoid about your cough. Of course, if you dont smoke marijuana you still may drink alcohol. The World Health Organization just released their new fact sheet, alcohol and covid 19, what you need to know. The w. H. O. Warns alcohol compromises the bodys immune system and increases the risk of adverse outcomes. This is true. Even in nonpandemic times the use of alcohol can cause liver damage, heart disease, rick and morty tattoos and acute cases of, hey, yall watch this jump off of something. The fact sheet follows with quarantine guidelines like when working from home adhere to your usual workplace rules and do not drink. Well, thank goodness my usualrk. Mmm, please work responsibly. You know who i bet could use a drink now . The fossil fuel industry. They had a bit of a bizarre day. Oil prices sunk to historic lows, at one point reaching negative 40 a barrel. Negative 40 bucks i think that means when you go to the gas station, you get a free tank and 40 worth of slim jims. Now, to save their profits, Texas Oil Fields are immediately switching over to drilling for toilet paper. So, how do you get to negative oil pricing . Well, because of quarantine, demand for fuels has plummeted, causing oil supplies to pile up. And now, Oil Producers are paying buyers to take the commodity off their hands over fears that Storage Capacity could run out. Bad news for the oil folks, but great news for anyone who owns an aboveground pool. Now, weve all been isolating for at least a month, and some of us are starting to go a little kooky in the old squirrel cage. Like a handful of idiots who were out this weekend protesting washington state, carrying the sign give me liberty, or give me covid19. Buddy, youre in a large crowd, youre not wearing a mask, youre not six feet away from people, you might not need to choose. Many of the protesters lamented the loss of their everyday activities, like this woman in wisconsin with the sign i want a haircut. Looks like your sign has a typo. We fixed it for you. It should read, i want to endanger the lives of your grandparents in exchange for fosted tips. I get that this is a land of liberty, but these protesters arent just putting themselves at risk. The whole reason we are socially distancing in the first place is to prevent spreading the virus, especially to our older relatives. I mean, theres a reason the boston tea partiers didnt throw nana in the harbor. If theres one thing this country is unified about, its social distancing. On thursday, even donald trump encouraged social distancing. And the next day he tweeted in support of the protests liberate minnesota liberate michigan and liberate virginia and save your great Second Amendment. It is under siege ah, yes, the Second Amendment is so important right now cause if you run out of lysol, you can shoot your groceries. To be clear, trump is encouraging his followers to protest his own recommendations. Thats how much he needs to hear a chanting mob. Hes like angry tinker bell. as trump quick, kids, scream lock her up or ill die. Trump thinks these protests are justified because people are bored. I have seen the people, i have seen them interviews these are great people. Look, they want to get they call, cabin fever. Youve heard the term . Theyve got cabin fever. Stephen just because you have cabin fever doesnt give you the right to go out and spread fever fever and trumps not the only one egging on the virushuggers. So is trump adviser and man choking on a peanut, stephen moore. Last week moore encouraged people to go out and protest in wisconsin by saying this we need to be the rosa parks here and protest against these government injustices. Stephen that analogy is the Martin Luther king of dumb. And i want to point out that moore is encouraging people to go out and risk their health and others on a zoom call from his living room. Such courage. Its like the climactic scene from braveheart. scottish accent they may take our lives, but they will never oops, sorry. Im on mute. Let me know how the battle goes. Ill be on slack. Trump said a lot of other dumb stuff at his daily screamers this weekend. For instance, he continued to defend the job hes done on testing. And by defend, i mean lie through his teeth you see so much about testing. What we have done is incredible in testing. And i started with an obsolete broken system from a Previous Administration or administrations. I inherited broken junk. Stephen you inherited broken junk . Thats a terrible way to talk about your fathers penis. Though there are very few good ways. Trump brought up some props to help him out with the testing questions i have something here, just happen to have a swab. Looks innocent, not very complicated. Anybody like to see what it looks like . Should i open it . Does everybody . Open it up i will. I will. This is what it is about, right . Does it, does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . One is a swab, one is a qtip. Stephen i want to point out that a qtip is just a brand name of swab. Its the same thing. It is actually different. It is very sophisticated, actually. Stephen ooh, right. I forgot that the longer something is, the more sophisticated it is. Thats why only true sophisticates measure their fruit by the foot. But trump spent most of the time focused on the real hero him. In fact, and i appreciate it very much, the wall street journal wrote a fantastic piece, a highly respected gentlemen, christopher demouthe, and this piece was just in the wall street journal. The weekend edition. And trump rewrites the book on emergencies. He has vivified the american way and action once it was reluctantly aroused. It was hard to get it aroused, and it is hard to get it aroused, but we got it aroused. Stephen gagging wall street journal, please dont associate the words trump and aroused. gagging then a reporter pressed trump on why he was spending so much time praising himself more than 22 million americans are currently unemployed as a result of this. Yeah. Today, we hit the grim milestone of more than 40,000 americans now having died from the coronavirus. Can you explain then why you come out here and you are reading clips and showing clips of praise for you and for your administration . Is this really the time for selfcongratulations . Well, i will tell you this. What i am doing is im standing up with the men and women that have done such an incredible job, not for me, for the men and women. These people are right now in hospitals, it is dangerous, it is going to a battlefield. I want these people i want you it is all about that. It is not about me. Nothing is about me. Stephen as trump look, there has never been a president who makes it less about me than me. Honestly, i dont get enough credit for making this not about me. I should get a medal that says most about not me. thanks to the pandemic shutdown, Small Businesses are suffering more than ever, which is why last month, the congress and the president signed off on 349 billion in grants known as the Paycheck Protection Program or p. P. P. Of course, many of trumps top advisers have their own Paycheck Protection Program known as d. A. D. Evidently, the program to save Small Businesses had a lot in common with Small Businesses, because it ran out of money on thursday. Okay, so the Paycheck Protection Program wasnt protected . Thats like your condom catching chlamydia. And thats not the only problem. Re unae to get the f, up by National Hotel and restaurant chains, like the publiclytraded company, ruths chris steak house. Come on, ruth doesnt need that money she already has her own chris hes constantly cooking her steaks and, of course, people got mad at these big businesses who scooped up the cash. So today, one of them gave it back. The burger chain shake shack has agreed to return its 10 million government loan, saying, the money it received could be reallocated to the independent restaurants who need it mos, and havent gotten any assistance. It then gave the independent restaurants a large plastic buzzer and said when that vibrates, just come to the counter to get your cash. The money also didnt go to the industries and parts of the country that were hardest hit by covid. For instance, texas has the tenth largest coronavirus caseload, but still got more p. P. P. Loans than any other state. Which explains why theyve changed their motto from the Lone Star State to just the loan state. Now, donald trump and nancy pelosi traded insults all weekend. Pelosi went on the fox news and let trump have it hes a weak leader. He doesnt take responsibility. He places blames blame on others and that might have been okay for before, but we cannot continue down a path that is, again the president gets an f, a failure on the testing. Stephen chris wallace, come on why did you invite her on his Favorite Network . Thats like your mom inviting your bully over for tea. as mom oh, look who it is, honey its ben mccrackin. I showed him your underwear drawer so hell know what to grab at your next wedgie. Peosi was also on this week with the george, and he asked her what about trump shes most afraid of im afraid that hes going to act on the set basis of what hes acted before. Its a hoax. Its magically going to disappear. Hes failed in the testing and the rest and its a hoax and its going to magically disappear. Thats not based on science. This isnt magical. Stephen oh, really . Tell that to our next secretary of health and human services, criss angel. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to trevor noah from the daily show. So, stick around. cause thats when trevors going to be here. You know, around later when hes stuck. Jean, did you know geico is now offering an extra 15 credit on car and motorcycle policies . Thats great thats 15 on top of what geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for . John stamos to knit you a scarf . All finished, jean. Enjoy thank you. I give. The stitch work is impeccable. Its just a double fleck pattern with a reverse garter stitch. No big deal. Is your hair this soft . Softer. Geico. Save an extra 15 when you switch by october 7th. Less oral steroids. Taking my treatment at home. Nucala is a oncemonthly addon injection for severe eosinophilic asthma. Not for sudden breathing problems. Allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or trouble breathing. Infections that can cause shingles have occurred. Dont stop steroids unless told by your doctor. Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. May cause headache, injection site reactions, back pain, and fatigue. Ask your doctor about nucala at home. Find your nunormal with nucala. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. California. We were one of the first stations to pilot a fleet of electric vehicles. Were striving to deliver a package with zero emissions into the air. I feel really proud of the impact that has on the environment. We have two daughters and i want to do everything i can to protect the environment so hopefully they can have a great future. vo through our love promise, subaru and our retailers i can to protect the environment are proud to be replanting 500,000 trees. In areas devastated by wildfires. Subaru. More than a car company. Lily everyone in the house is online and i cant get enough bandwidth to video chat with my book club. Try 1 gig internet with at t fiber. You get more bandwidth and hbo max included. So, everyone stays entertained. So i can just watch the show instead of reading the book . Thats almost reading. You know, if you turn on your subtitles. Get 1 gig internet with at t fiber for 49. 99a month for a year. No annualcontract. And now get hbo max included. Limited availability in select areas. Call 1. 877. Only. Att stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Before we go any further, please say hi to our friend jon batiste. Jon hello, everybody. Whats happening . Whats happening . Stephen jon, i like your new digs. Can you play with other people or only by yourself now . Jon i can play by myself but with technology i can double or triple myself as many times as i want. Stephen i saw keith urban do that on saturday night. Jon yeah, i saw you on there. That was nice. Stephen it was a lovely night. Jon yeah, and, you know, i like to see the rolling stones. I dont know how they made that work. They went different places. Stephen it was so great jon yeah. Yeah. Stephen im not sure if keith was playing. Really . You think he was faking it . Stephen he was mostly kind of petting it. Keith was mostly just petting the guitar. Jon i heard the sound. Stephen and Charlie Watts definitely wasnt playing. No, no, no. He was, like, air drumming. It was like the cymbal was sounding but there was no symbol. Stephen im guessing what he did was he played the drums first and everybody played on top of him. Jon you know, i think mick actually recorded first, if im not mistaken, because he was actually playing and singing. It seemed like everybody else recorded to his video. Stephen okay. All right. Jon thats the times were living in. Stephen ill ask him the next time i see him. Well, jon, good luck. Good luck in your splendid isolation. Jon yes, indeed. Ill be here. Stephen all right. Ill be here. Say hi to the 88s for us. piano riff jon batiste, everybody. Joining me tonight is the host of the daily show which is currently the daily social distancing show on comedy central, please welcome our trevor noah. Trevor, its nice to see you. Whats happening, Stephen Colbert . Stephen oh, just going doing a show like you. Just attempting to do a show is what were doing. Thats what this is. Stephen thats right. In many ways i felt bad about the situation were in until i saw nascar drivers losing their minds because driving virtually wasnt what they were used to in real life. And then i was like, oh, yeah, okay, maybe im not the only one losing my mind trying to do what i do in this environment. Stephen it is, one of the craziest things is youre going through this very odd isolated experience and because of that, youre not actually aware all the time that every person is going through the same isolated experience. I mean, you know it intellectually. Yes. Stephen but just because of the nature of it, you dont get to see it happening to other people most of the time. Right, right. And i think whats weird is, because social media has always been a faux social experience, social media gives you the idea that nothing has really changed when, in fact, everything has change. So its only when i go out for a walk and see new york city like ive never seen it before that i realize, like, the time were living in, because a lot of the time, online, you know, people are still doing viral challenges the same, people are still fighting the same, everything seems the same, but, man, were living in a different world. Stephen have you learned anything about yourself while you have been in quarantine . What have i learned about myself . Um, ill be honest, i feel like im made for social distancing. Some of my friends are going crazy because they miss being outdoors. I dont miss outdoors, i dont miss going to movies, restaurants, i dont miss the clubs, i dont miss walking, i dont miss anything. Im not going to lie to you. I miss people being able to live their normal lives. You know, i miss living in a world where people have time to fight about other things and are not stressed by just being able to go outside. So that part of it, i, i miss. But for myself, im not going to lie to you, stephen, i feel like i was made for this. This is how i wish i could live life, being forced to stay indoors and not being made to feel guilty every time i dont want to leave because its a beautiful day. People always do that, its so beautiful, why dont you go outside . I want to be inside. Now i have to be inside and im in heaven. Im not going to lie to you. Stephen were entering month two of doing the show from home. Yes. Stephen how are you maintaining your judgment in your head as to how to do material . Because you and i both are used to performing in front of live audiences. Thats how i came up, i know youre a standup. And were like musicians, the audience is the instrument. Right now were being asked to read sheet music in our head and never get to hear any reaction. Whats that doing to you . I feel like one of two things will happen. Either i will come out on the other side of this as a better comedian or i will have no sense of where comedic timing lies and i will embark on an esoteric journey of telling people stories when im on stage. Because im not going to lie to you, i dont know. Ive tried to remember every audience ive had the privilege of performing for for the last 15 years and i try to think of where theyd laugh, but i dont know. I just dont know. Stephen i thought i did it first. I thought i knew at first, but then after you do it fo