Has anyone seen melania . Announcer live with Stephen Colbert tonight, spice up your life. Plus, stephen welcomes live senator Bernie Sanders and a special performance by Nathaniel Rateliff, and jon batiste. Featuring live, jon batiste and stay homein. And now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. The emotions are running high. I gotta say. Its night three of the Democratic National convention, and once again, we are live all this week, were bringing you every zoomtastic moment, in a fournight megaevent were calling democrats assemble. Are you fired up . And so we fight. It is what it is. I am kasich. Stephen every night of the d. N. C. Has a theme. Monday was we the people, tuesday was leadership matters, and tonight was a more perfect union. Or as trump calls it fourth times the charm . Of course, this week marks 100 years since women gained the right to vote, and tonight there was a powerhouse lineup of speakers including nancy pelosi, Elizabeth Warren hillary clinton, and kamala harris. Its going to be tough for the republicans to match that. All theyve got are ivanka, betsy devos, and a disturbing sculpture eric trump calls lady dad. She loves him. The evening kicked off with wisconsin governor tony evers, who had a very bidenesque call to action holy mackerel, folks. Lets get to work. Stephen what a pleasant battle cry. Gee, golly, gosh, everybody. Slap me with a salmon and stick a trouser in my trows. Time to get this fish on the road. Opening remarks were delivered by Vice President ial nominee kamala harris, who was so rarin to go,po frothe truck they ship new Vice President s in. Each of us needs a plan, a voting plan. , stephen yes. Then cracking open a fifth of mount gay and blacking out until the votes are all counted. Of course, this was just a preview for her speech at the end of the night. Ill see you a little later tonight, and until then. Stephen ill be unloading these crates. Joes in one of them. Marco marco the night was hosted by actress Kerry Washington dressed in a striking pinstripe suit that you usually only wear if youre planning on killing the batman. Tonight were going to talk about where we are and where were going. Stephen uh, kerry, were in a pandemic. The answer to both of those is the couch. Then we heard from Michelle Lujan grisham who is the nuevo, mexico. Stephen as trump wait, theres another mexico . Can we get them to pay for the wall . Ive only got a week. The evening then turned to the overwhelming evidence of Global Warming maybe youve read some of the millions of pages of Scientific Evidence on climate change. Stephen i mean, its definitely on my list. But ill still making my way through the new hunger games. But its definitely on the list. We even got this soundbite from joe biden himself. When i think about climate change, the word i think of is jobs. Stephen really, because the word i think of is aaarrgghh aargh then, we saw a very cool video about america as a country of immigrants. Life in america was notwami hardship and poverty. Stephen and thats just the past four years. Hillary clinton was up next. She took the opportunity to reflect on everything that has happened since she won the popular vote. For four years, people have told me, i didnt realize how dangerous he was. I wish i could do it all over. Or worst, i should have voted. Look this cant be another stephen and for four years ive done everything in my power to not punch those people in the face. Hillary let america know she feels your pain. There is a lot of heartache in america. And the truth is many things were broken before the pandemic. Stephen for instance, the broken horse femur i sent in to james comey. Still waiting to hear, did you get my message, jim. She hoped trump would do well. The morning after the last election, i said we owe donald trump an open mind and the chance to lead. Stephen okay, thats nice. But remember she also said, we have to pokemongo to the polls. So maybe dont trust everything she says. Then clinton put our collective yearning into words. I wish donald trump knew how to be a president , because America Needs a president right now. Stephen can any of you think of one . I can. Heres a hint shes got two thumbs and bites them to keep from constantly screaming. Then we heard from speaker of the house, nancy pelosi, who gave a powerful speech. But the thing everyone is really talking about tonight is this moment from pelosis introductory video. If you want to go into the arena, you have to be prepared to take a punch. You also have to be prepared to throw a punch for the children. Stephen throw a punch for the children stephen thats right, i was on the reel. I got more air time than a. O. C. Im part of American History because i spoke to nancy pelosi, and because i used to be allowed to sit within three feet of senior citizens. Well, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, i did not see this coming. I did not expect it. I get it, but i did not see this coming. Its such an honor yes, i accept your nomination. Thank you. Thank you. And im being told i am misreading the moment. My apologies. Where were we . Then, Kerry Washington was back to set the scene. In order to get to that more perfect union, we have to acknowledge where we are. Stephen again, the couch. I dont know how many times i need to tell you that. Friend of the show Elizabeth Warren spoke about child care. Im here at the Early ChildhoodEducation Center in springfield, massachusetts, which has been closed for months. Stephen breaking in wasnt easy, but i had a plan, and a crow bar. Warren left a secret message in her set. The blocks behind her said, b. L. M. Thats really nice. Somewhere a very confused worker at the bureau of Land Management is feeling pretty good right now. Suddenly, he appeared, former president barack obama. Good evening, everybody. Stephen oh, my gosh hes really there its everything i missed obama the constitution a president hair cut hes looks so fresh the constitutional scholar obama came straight out. Embedded in this document was a north star. Stephen and a treasure map, written on the back in secret code. It was up to nicolas cage to find it. Obama said he really thought back in 2016 things might go better. I did hope, for the sake of our country, that donald trump might show some interest in taking the job seriously. Stephen look, sir, i know youre the guy who coined the hope slogan, but even your poster doesnt buy that. Obiterated the fme bacs of the job. We should expect that regardless of ego, ambition, or political beliefs, the president will preserve, protect, and defend the freedoms and ideals that so Many Americans marched for, went to jail for. Stephen and to all those who were jailed fighting for the things i hold dear, ghislaine maxwell, i wish you well. Now, remember no drama obama . Now hes trash talk barack. For close to four years now he has shown no interest in putting in the work. No interest in finding common ground. Donald trump hasnt grown into the job because he cant. Stephen its true. The man hasnt grown since he was a toddler. Hes the only president who still needs a sippy cup. He obamadon. No interest in treating the presidency as anything but one more reality show that he can use to get the attention he craves. Stephen well, im not here to make friends. And i have to tell you, barack, that sort of attitude is why im not picking you to go on a date with me in the white house fantasy suite. Youre here for the wrong reasons. Obama then turned to his Vice President. Let me tell you about my friend joe biden. Stephen i told you we were best friends. Barack and i are closer than two scoops in a cone except im melting a lot faster. Come on, jack hit me with some sprinkles. Just some insulation. Obama peeled back the curtain o. S the pot this president and those in power, those who benefit from keeping things the way they are, they are counting on your cynicism. Stephen jokes on you, barack. I cant count, one, person, man, woman, five. Obama had a strong warning for voters. Do not let them take away your power. Do not let them take away your democracy. Stephen as obama do not let them take away your mailboxes. Maybe put some olive oil them, or some ky jelly, something slippery, so theyre too hard to pick up. Then obama reminded us who has the power to fix our country. You can give our Democracy New meaning. You can take it to a better place. Stephen so, new zealand . Then we sponged off our tears. And it was time for the main event, the acceptance speech for the Vice President ial nomination by california senator kamala harris, seen here really enjoying an offcamera puppet show. Harris gave a riveted speech in front of a long line of, im going to guess flags trump had groped. The v. P. Nom started her speech with lessons she learned from her mother. I do so committed to the values she taught me, to the word that teaches me to walk by faith and not by sight. Stephen as long as you can walk down a ramp, i dont care how you do it. She also shared her vision for the future of this country. A vision of our nation as a beloved community, where all are welcome, no matter what we look like, no matter where we come from, or who we love. Stephen thats right. In america, when youre here, youre family. And thats why im also voting for unlimited breadsticks, 2020. She also developed the effect trumps presidency has had on the american psyche. The constant chaos leaves us adrift. The incompetence makes us feel afraid. The callousness makes us feel alone. Stephen okay, who gave her our Campaign Strategy . Kamala ended her speech by calling on all of us to think of future generations. Years from now, this moment will have passed, and our children and our grandchildren will look in our eyes, and theyre going to ask us, where were you when the stakes were so high . Stephen again, the couch. But, honestly, after tonight, on the edge of it. We have a great show for you folks tonight. Senator Bernie Sanders is here. But when we come back, i show you living proof of why we really do need a new president. Stick around. Hey, can i. Safe drivers save 40 guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. 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While the democrats have been laying out a case that trump is grossly unfit for office, trump has been focused on his top priority proving he is grossly unfit for office. For instance, at his press conference today, donald trump colleges including North Carolina and notre dame have suspended inperson classes. Multiple colleges and universities announced that they would suspend inperson teaching. Now, we have learned one thing. There is nothing like campus. Theres nothing like being with the teacher as opposed to being on a computer board. Stephen yes, its very tough to learn on a computer board like apples new iwood. One intrepid reporter asked the president about the insane rightwing Conspiracy Group called qanon, which the f. B. I. Has called a potential domestic terror threat. Heres what your presi they like me very much, which i appreciate. Stephen as trump and that is my only moral compass. If youre a fan of me, im a fan of you. Once again, looking at you, ghislane maxwell. You keep up the good work lady. Whatever it was. I dont know. Im not familiar. Then, the reporter explained exactly what these folks believe. At the crux of the theory, is the belief you are secretly saving the world from this satanic cult of pedophiles and cannibals. Does that sound like something you are behind . Well, i havent i havent heard that. But is that supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing . I mean, you know, if i can help save the world from problems, im willing to do it. Im willing to put myself out there. And we are, actually. Stephen i havent heard anything about that, but coincidentally, we are doing it. I mean, sure, 170,000 people have died from covid, but ask yourself how many people have been eaten . Practically none. And as americans, they have the preexisting condition of being very well marbled. Just fall right off the bone. Then he was asked about obamas speech criticizing him at the d. N. C. , and he did not hold back. The reason im here is because of president obama and joe biden, because if they did a good job, i wouldnt be here. And probably if they did a good job, i wouldnt have even run. But they did such a bad job, they stand before you as president. Stephen totally their fault. All obamas doing. He must have been a pretty bad president for people to give a corrupt idiot like me this job. Bottom line, what im trying to say is, im a punishment from god. Thank you, obama. The president also got mad at goodyear, the tire people, after a photo of one of their employee training sessions surfaced in which goodyear deemed maga hats unacceptable in the workplace. Yes, studies show maga hats put employees at high risk of having their yogurt spit in. Trump saw the image, and he tweeted, dont buy goodyear tires. They announced a ban on maga hats. Get better tires for far less. This is what the radical democrats, the left democrats do. Two can play at the same game and we have to Start Playing it now. So now, trump is calling for a ban on goodyear, to which i say, americas way ahead of you. We havent had one good year since you took office. But theres just one problem with his boycott, and its 63,000 problems. Because goodyear is headquartered in ohio, which is a 2020 swing state, and the ee roughly 63,00op, go ahead. Boycott one of the biggest employers in a swing state, and dont forget to boycott iowa corn, wisconsin cheese, and florida methgators. A critical industry. Their teeth are like that. Turns out, the president s boycott hits close to home. The president s custom limousine, known as the beast, is outfitted with custom goodyear tires. Well, i think you all know what this means. Hes going to have to toss the tires and replace them with goya beans. Que practico. Well be right back with senator Bernie Sanders. Is it practico or practeeco . Motorcycle riders love the open road. 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Because some things you just cant take back. Do your part to lower the risk. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Lets say hello to our friend, mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello, hello. Were in it right now, hi