Its at the shop. All right. Back to business. Superman death. Go theres no bad ideas. Were just spit balling. ding oh, its him again. Do you have an untested vaccine i can borrow . Syringe emoji. Who wants to answer this . Rest Rock Paper Scissors for it. Great. We all got rock. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, facts to the future, and triumph returns with his trump focus group. Plus stephen welcomes Sarah Paulson and musical guest p. J. Morton, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its stephen olbert stephen welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. I cant begin the show tonight without first addressing a story that calls into question the future of democracy itself. Im talking about last Nights Academy of Country Music awards. For more, lets go to our correspondent keith urban. Keith . This is big. And the winner of the a. C. M. Entertainer of the year is laughs no way we have a tie laughter stephen what . a tie . no its supposed to be one artist, one trophy. As god intended, when he handed the emmy to adam. It was Outstanding Achievement in pretending like its the womans fault. The controversial cowinner that is a bio hazard. No one stuff that. The controversial cowinners were Carrie Underwood and thomas rhett. You cant expect big stars like that to split this beautiful i wanna say, platinum bottle opener . As one viewer put it, a. C. M. Awards with a tie for entertainer of the year . participation trophy generation at its finest. Next up will be a world series tie where both teams win loser mentality. The only point of music is defeating your enemies there can be only one we all remember when paul simon played central park, holding the head of garfunkel. Now i am the only living boy in new york. Its a fairly deep cut joke, that one. Anyway. Big news about the pandemic. There still is one. Weve now been trapped inside for six months, and tempers are beginning to flare. Specifically, between donald trump and sources of information. Take director of the centers for disease control, and shaved tauntaun, robert redfield. Yesterday the good doctor testified before a Senate Subcommittee and shared the harsh reality about a potential vaccine timeline. I think there will be vaccine that initially be available sometime between november and december but very limited supply and will have to be prioritized. If youre asking me when is it gonna be generally available to the American Public so we can begin to take advantage of vaccine to get back to our regular life, i think were probably looking at late second quarter, Third Quarter 2021. Stephen what . second or Third Quarter . Thatt jl ive alrdy evn nex althatst isxercise now bring a blow torch for that stuff. When asked about redfields estimate, trump disagreed with reality under no circumstance will it be as late as the doctor said. Certainly during november and december would be the latest. That could be in october some time in october, or november. I dont think it will be much later than that. Stephen plus the virus went away in april, so we dont need the vaccine. Trump was so confident in his vaccine timetable that he called on states to reopen right now. Its unfair to your people to keep them closed at this stage. We know the vaccine, we know the vaccines are coming. So open up yths crazy we ku dont have any Winter Clothes yet but go stumble into the blizzard. I ordered you a parka. Its supposed to be here between october and next august. The president was also not happy when redfield said this these facemasks are the most powerful Public Health tool we have. I might even go so far to say that this face mask is more guaranteed to protect me against covid than when i take a covid vaccine. Stephen does that mean were never getting rid of these masks . I mean, i wanna do my part, but i need to know how much longer do i have to smell my own breath. I had shrimp scampi for lunch on monday, and every time i exhale its like frenchkissing a sea captain. At low tide. But redfield is right, we have to prevent the spread. And redfield said if everyone wore masks, we could get this virus under control in 68 weeks but for some reason, hope makes trump mad it is not more effective by any means than a vaccine. I called him about that, those were the two things i discussed with him, and i believe that, if you ask him, he would probably say that he did not understand the question. Stephen that question . as trump how the hell am i supposed to win wisconsin if you keep blurting out the truth . Trump had another issue with face masks. There are some people that dont like the mask because of the touchiness and the touching and you are touching Everything Else. Stephen as jerry lewis ooh, i dont like the masks because of the touchiness and the touching and you are touching Everything Else with the touch and the hands and the face laaady and svengungoigenhaven trump went on i think there is a lot of problems with masks. Now, vaccine is much more effective than the masks and if we get a vaccine we have added to the fact that our numbers are going way down. You see the numbers. I am just reading you statistics from wherever they get them. But they are highly qualified statistics. Stephen he doesnt know where they get em, but he knows the statistics are highly qualified. Well, if theyre highly qualified, that means the statistics either married his daughter, have a show on fox news, or invented a pillow. Trump continued to insist americas going great with the pandemic, as long as you dont count half of america. The blue states had tremendous death rates. If you take the blue states out, we are at a level that i dont think anyone in the world would be at. We are at a low level. But some of the states they were blue states. Stephen im not entirely sure where to begin there. This is unspeakably monstrous, especially for the president of the united states. Whoever they are, these are human lives that he is responsible for. Its like being asked to speak at a funeral and saying, were here to mourn the passing of kevin, but if you take him out of the equation, this is a pretty rockin party. I got to ride in a limo okay. Also, and i know this is going to shock you, trumps wrong. Because the states with the most deaths are new york, new jersey, texas, california, and florida, which are, of course, the states with the largest populations in the country. So hes just saying, if you dont count states with people, hes done a great job. Forget the presidency, i s trumt trust trump to run a well,you nt coe kids i lost at the sausage factory, i think i did a great job at not losing kids at the sausage factory. Now who wants sausage . This ones got bits of tshirt in there. Plus, the highest infection rates are all the states that trump won. And it doesnt matter. Were all americans. Were all human beings. Donald trump is the only one who doesnt care that americans are dying. Trump also took another shot at bob woodward. By the way, i read the book last night very rapidly because it was very boring. I read it, and if you see what i said, i said a lot of really good things. For the most part, people like to turn it around, but i said really good things in that book. Stephen really . You read it last night . Because heres what you said two days ago he only writes bad books and i actually got to read it last night. I read it very quickly and itwar nights. Gad it tw blazed through it. Total snooze. Read it again last night. Couldnt put it down for all the yawnin. Probably going to read it again tonight, just to underline all the most boring parts. Trump isnt the only member of his administration whos down on doing anything about the coronavirus. Attorney general and man who has no idea what happened to your gum ball, bill barr. Yesterday, barr said this about coronavirus restrictions putting a national lockdown, stayathome orders is like house arrest. You know, other than slavery, which was a different kind of restraint, this is the greatest intrusion on Civil Liberties in american history. Stephen oh, sure. Having to stay home during coronavirus is almost as bad as slavery. Its all in the tragic movie 12 months a slob. To be fair, its not all the administration wants to do is expose people to a deadly virus. They also want to flamebroil protesters. Remember back in june when they sent military forces to fire rubber bullets and gas at Peaceful Protesters in Lafayette Square so trump could hold a bikewasomeone elses haat sandwh . Well, it turns out that was plan b, because a whistleblower has stepped forward and revealed that military Police Leaders weighed deploying a heat ray against d. C. Protesters. Okay. Theres been a lot of back and forth about these protests, but if anyone is still wondering who the bad guys are in this conflict, it might be the ones who say, the protesters are at the gates. Bring forth the heat ray evidently, this heat ray is something the military actually has. Its called an active denial system, or a. D. S. , and it can make anyone within range feel like their skin is on fire. How to explain that in laymans terms it makes all of your skin feel like the inside of your thighs after your family convinces you it would be fun to do a biking vacation. This heat Ray Technology was developed years ago, but was shelved because it was deemed too unpredictable to use in war zones. So, rest easy, the administration doesnt want to turn weapons of war on american citizens, because this weapon is way too dangerous for war heres how she works the heat ray produces a magnetic field, similar to a microwave. Strong enough to hurt like crazy without leaving burns. Of course, to heat your protestors evenly, youre gonna want them to stand on a rotating plate. Otherwise, theyre gonna be crispy on the outside, and frozen on the inside. Its a mess. No surprise, the heat ray looks pretty painful. Heres some footage of it being tested on human subjects. Some people claim they have been able to stand in the beam for four or five seconds. So how long can i take the heat . Here goes. Engage. One one thousand, two one thousand, three whaaaaa stephen wow. Johnny knoxville looks terrible. So, we know it works for getting cbs reporters off your property. Youve been warned, John Dickerson stop stealing my tomatoes and a heat ray isnt the only weapon the d. C. National guard tried to obtain. They also wanted something called an lrad, or long range acoustic device, which emits a piercing noise and then can broadcast a voice or a recording at a deafening level. They were unsuccessful at getting an lrad in time for the protests, but they did get one for the r. N. C. The best is yet to come one one thousand, two one thousand, threewhaaaaa stephen weve got a great show for you tonight Sarah Paulson is here. But when we come back, meanwhile so im gonna hold on promoting you this quarter, cool . Drop the taco, get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait what . The handling, its good right . No compromise there. Nope. Watch this. Brie brie. sfx rab beeps rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra isnt gonna compromise why should you . Youre right that a girl. The all new Nissan Sentra. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. So you can find just the right plan for you. Like the visit a doctor anywhere our rv takes us plan. The zero copays means more money for rumba lessons plan. And the visit my doctor while eating pancakes plan. Unitedhealthcare is the 1 medicare plan provider, so youre sure to find the right plan for you. Including the only plans with the aarp name. Get medicare with more. I peter walsh only plans people came and they met and they felt comfortable. Its what we did with coogans. You felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. Everybody has a coogans. And almost half those small businesses, they could close if people dont do something. We have to keep our communities together. Thats how we get through this. We believe in good we can all afford sing it, yeah, yeah from coffee that opens more eyes to black business. All gold to me to a hundred shades of beautiful. Yeah, good to me so to help even more, geico is giving new and current customers a fifteen percent credit on their motorcycle policies with the geico giveback. And because were committed for the long haul, the credit lasts your full policy term. The geico giveback. Helping riders focus on the road ahead. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Lets say hi to our friend jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello. Stephen how are you . You seem happy. Jon im hearing this rhythm in my head. Whats going on with you . I went to know if youve been to better know bela. Com. Jon yeah, in louisiana. We have to vote. Louisiana, please, please, come out my home state, my land please stephen weve got to do it. Tonight louisianas videoing up. Jon yep. Stephen also rhode island goes up tonight, michigan, new jersey and obamacare. Thats on top of a 13 or 14 that were already up, and every state, no matter who you are, your information is already there. Go to better know ballot. Com, click on your state and go vote. Jon lets get out there, come on, come on stephen thank you, jon. Jon thank you. Stephen you know, i spend so much time in the monologue harvesting wheat of the days biggest stories, handmilling the topical endosperm and wheat germ to bake for you the nutritious artisanal loaf that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to sweep up the leftover bran, throw in some barley extract, maybe a little riboflavin, then hotpress it into the weetabix cake of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile. Good news for anyone looking for a unique engagement story you can rent the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile for your proposal. Nothing says romance like buying into a viral marketing stunt. Becca, will you make me the happiest man on earth and join me in contributing to this meat tube companys Online Presence . A press release, oscar mayer wrote, you can now relish your upcoming special day. The iconic wienermobile is available to anyone whos ready to mustard up the courage to pop the question. Can i be frank . That is the wurst. Quarantinewhile, chuck e. Cheese wants to destroy about seven billion prize tickets amid their bankruptcy. Seven billion tickets . Do you realize what you could buy wth that . One styrofoam football. Quarantinewhile, french car manufacturer citroen has introduced the ami, a tiny cubh 14yearolds can drive. Certainly an upgrade from last years innovation, a dodecahedron on stilts that can only be driven by a german 87yearold. According to french law, the ami can be driven by teens because its not technically a car, but rather a light quadricycle, which qualifies it as an urban mobility object. Thats some french logic for ya. french accent but of course we allow the children to drive it. It is so small and therefore far less safe. The same reason childrens cigarettes are shorter. Avec no filter. And the threeway make us more monogamous quarantinewhile, we have news about mountain dew the four loko that gave up. The soda brand has created the dew garita, the First Official alcoholic mountain dew cocktail. I know its called dewgarita, but doctors advise dont garita. And mountain dew is a great addition because whats missing from a standard margarita is the energy to stay awake for how bad you feel. But you cant get this just anywhere. The drink will be available exclusively at red lobster. So the dewgarita is a really convenient way to see if cheddar bay biscuits look the same on the way out as on the way in. Ar australians are unable to travel internationally, which is really hurting their airline industry. Which is why qantas is now offering a sevenhour flight to nowhere. Sounds good. Next year qantas will be offering its new service oops, all layovers quarantinewhile, due to the pandemic, the macys thanksgiving day parade will be virtual this year. Smart. And to further ensure safety, all balloons will be appearing via zoom. Instead of the parade route, the floats will be in Herald Square and the overall number of participants in the parade will be reduced by approximately 75 splitting the remaining participants over two days. Finally responding to calls for the thanksgiving day parade to be less entertaining, but take twice as long. That was quarantinewhil whme back,ore from triumphs trump s aun its time to step up. Prep up. Step up. Pre to help keep you fre from t risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. For kings, this queen, and you royals in between. For my now. Our now. And my future. Our future. Step up. Prep up. Descovy is another way to prep. Descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so its important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. You must be hivnegative to take descovy for prep. So you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. They may check to confirm you are still hivnegative. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects includeouut all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. 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