Tonight, taylor devine. Plus teefn welcomes mindy kaling and former c. I. A. Director john brennan. Featurinjon batiste and stay homin. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. You might notice when the show is open these days im leaning back in the chair a lot. Im either very comfortable in this job these days or i no longer have the core strength to sit up. Lets figure out which it is. Folks, the coronavirus pandemic continues to rage in americas hot zone 1600 pennsylvania avenue. And reports say the west wing has turned into a ghost town. Previously, the only ghost haunting the mansion was mike pence. Hes at least a zombie. Why else is he attracting all those flies . Things have gotten especially tough for white house correspondents like cnns joe johns who had this happen to him during a broadcast. Get there he is roaring the damn, frickin raccoons, man. God. Again thats the second time jesus i guess the traps not working. Right. Hey, man. That frickin raccoon came back. It always comes around right about when i am going to go on tv. laughter stephen poor joe johns stuck there at the white house with that diseaseridden, garbage eating animal running around. Also that raccoon but im not surprised. Humans have retreated from their Natural Habitats because of the virus, and wildlife just moves in. Ed sullivan theaters been empty for seven months. I wonder whats going on down there. Jim, do we have a picture . That damn raccoon is at my desk and hes interviewing Bradley Cooper and theyre clearly having so much fun look at the chemistry of course, joe johns isnt the first newsman to be interrupted by an animal. It happened to cronkite. Good evening president nixon reportedly will announce his resignation tonight, and Vice President ford will become the nations 38th president tomorrow, that word roaring screaming and thats the way it is stephen with covid running rampant throughout the executive branch, this morning the commission on president ial debates announced that the second president ial debate will be virtual. Virtual . Hows that gonna work . Hopefully it will be like tron. So instead of discussing the economy, theyll race around on recumbent lightcycles. Of course, theyll need to update their wardrobe. The decision did not sit well with Trumps Campaign manager, bill stepien who, by the way, also has covid. He claimed the new format is unnecessary because trump will have posted multiple negative tests prior to the debate. Thats not how any of this works. You cant put all your faith in something that could happen down the line when the potential consequence is death. Thats like saying, look, i know your parachute isnt working now, but i have full confidence that well get it up and running before we reach terminal velocity hand me that scotch tape so, what will this virtual debate look like . We might never find out, because after it was announced, trump immediately called Maria Bartiromo of fox business and said this i am not going to do a virtual debate. I am not going to waste my time on a virtual debate. Stephen yes, trumps time is very precious. He said while calling fox business in the middle of a deadly plague. But it was no surprise to hear trumps main gripe about a virtual format. And then they cut you off whenever they want. Stephen hes afraid of having to follow the rules that he agreed to. as trump the referees have all these stupid football rules. If they wont let me stab the quarterback, im taking my bloodsoaked ball and going home. The subject shifted to covid and whether or not the president thought he was a disease vector you say you feel great, but the media is out there saying that youre contagious. But do you feel that you are . I mean, obviously you wouldnt feel that way if you say youre ready to go to a rally. No, i dont think im contagious at all. Stephen what kind of question is that . Do you feel contagious . Follow up, what does the economy smell like, and how high is when . Trump assured bartiromo that hes probably okay i will be tested very soon, but i am essentially very clean. They say its over a period of six, seven days, and i was i, you know, its an amazing thing happened to me. I went in, and i didnt feel good. And that is okay. I expected at some point because i am out there, i got to be a leader, i cant, you know, Winston Churchill didnt stay in his basement for six months. Stephen thats exactly what churchill did its called a churchill bunker and its now a museum. You should know that because you were there with your family. as trump oh, right, sorry. My mind refuses to form memories that involve eric. Trump then explained why the virus was so darn hard to stop look, its a tiny, tiny, liken it to a tiny little microscopic piece of dust, and it gets into nose or your mouth or your eye frankly, or Something Else where you touch something. So i understand, and then you get better. Stephen sounds like somebody very recently just explained to him how germs work. as trump and maria, by the way, the way we got here in the first place is that when a mommy and a daddy love each other very, very much they give each other a very special hug. Then daddy goes and gets spanked by a porn star. Of course, one of the reasons for trumps miraculous recovery is new developments in pharmaceuticals that he also thinks he didnt need we have i call them cures, i dont call them therapeutics. You take it, its an antibody drug, you take it, and it beats the hell out of it. And im telling you, i could have walked out 24 hours after i went in. I didnt have to go in, frankly, i think it would have gone away by itself. You know, its great. And what i am doing is i am going to supply this drug it made me better, i will tell you right now. I walked in, i didnt feel great, i think i would have done it fine without drugs, you know, you dont really need drugs. Ive stopped, i dont take them anymore. No, i dont take them anymore. Okay. I think im taking almost nothing. Stephen so, these drugs are great, but he doesnt need them, but they cured him right away, and hes going to fast track them, but he would have been fine without them, but hes not taking them. Why is it that he took the experimental drug, and were the ones experiencing dizziness, confusion, and nausea . Shortly after trumps phonein with fox business, he released a new video on twitter in which he bragged about how good hes been for the military. I took over a depleted military old equipment, broken equipment. Even in the army, all brandnew uniforms with the belt, everybody wanted the belt. Stephen what does that mean . youre bragging about getting them a belt . By the way, ive gotten enough bad gifts in my life to know when somebody is just trying to be nice. Wow, its a belt thank you i was just saying how much i needed a belt with a. Especially one with is this a pewter cow skull buckle . So excited. Do you have the receipt . I want to frame it so i can remember the time i got this really great belt. And its not just the president , some pretty important white house staffers are testing positive, too. For instance, one of trumps military aides tasked with carrying the Nuclear Football reportedly has coronavirus. But dont worry, they found someone at the white house willing to step in. You know how the world is insane right now and every day you think, thats got to be it. Things cant possibly get more insane . Well, today got more. Because the f. B. I. Says it thwarted a plot to violently overthrow the government and kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. What . Also, whaaa . is this real life, or are we trapped in a new season of 24 . I was just getting used to being trapped in a crossover episode of the west wing and the walking dead and did they mean take over the government of michigan . Im not sure what that would do. Endanger our acdelco auto parts supply . Lower americas Strategic Reserves of fishing licenses . The good news is that these guys are in custody, and Governor Whitmer and her family are all safe. So, who were these numbskulls . Well, the Michigan Attorney general identified the group as the wolverine watchmen. So, to clarify, this anticovid rules militia named themselves after a guy who famously cant get sick, and people who famously wear masks. Apparently, these guys were angry about Governor Whitmers statewide coronavirus lockdown. And the f. B. I. Were tipped off to their plans when one of the dummies posted a facebook video in which he complained about covid19 restrictions on gyms operating in michigan. So, the whole revolution couldve been avoided if he had just sprung for a peloton . That is the lamest reason to overthrow the government. Sure, i understand the necessity of state mandated health standards, but i draw the line at losing definition in my deltoids okay . Look at that. Im just counting the shreds, right here. Well, at least now they can all concentrate on getting ripped in jail. Between the daily hour in the yard and a steady diet of potatoes and expired taco meat, theyre sure to get jacked. So the feds gathered all the evidence they needed against these maroons, thanks to an f. B. I. Confidential source who recorded the meetings in dublin, ohio. Talk about getting the short end of the undercover stick. And for our next assignment tim will be going to dublin. Ohio. Sorry, i i shouldve lead with ohio. These dinguses were also planning to take out a bridge, which they felt would also hinder the polices ability to follow them on water on im gonna guess surfboards . Or as they actually put it in an actual group chat which actually shows up in the actual court filing if the bridge emoji go finger pointing down emoji it also x emoji the wave emoji. And now every single last one of these eggplant emojis is totally screw emojied. The group met numerous times to make their stupid plans, including in the basement of a shop in michigan that was accessible only through a trapdoor under a rug. Ooh, a trapdoor hideaway . Whats the matter, did the rope ladder break to timmys tree house . One of these militia morons was crashing with a friend, the owner of a vacuum store in grand rapids, michigan, who had given him a place to stay in the stores basement after he was kicked out of his girlfriends home. Must have been hard for that guy to get back into the dating scene. Say, do you want to head back to my place. The basement under a trapdoor in a vacuum store . Huh . Yeah. laughter after the f. B. I. Raided it, the vacuum store owner expressed disbelief, saying, i felt sorry for him, but i didnt know he was capable of doing this; this is almost insane. I knew he was in a militia, but theres lots of people in a militia that dont plan to kidnap the governor. I mean, give me a break. First off, i knew he was in a mlitia, but theres a lot of people in a militia . Congratulations, you just won the award for most michigan sentence ever. Barely beating out if youre going up north for the summer to visit some yoopers you better pack a lot of pop. And secondly i just want to remind everybody in a militia youre not in a militia. Youre a bunch of buddies getting together to play with guns. If i play a game of catch in the front yard, i havent been signed by the yankees. But hey, just because theyre violent domestic terrorists doesnt mean they dont know how to have a good time. According to the undercover agent, at one point one of the militia said oh, no, were not kidnapping, thats not what were doing, which sparked general laughter. Amidst the laughter, another voice said were adult napping. laughs oh, i love a good homegrown terrorist joke, my favorite is knock knock, whos there . Its the f. B. I, youre all going to jail. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are mindy kaling and former c. I. A. Director john brennan. But when we return, meanwhile join us, wont you . 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Because your strength is supported by ours. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Depend. Honey honey . New nyquil severe honey is maximum strength cold and flu medicine with soothing honeylicious taste. Nyquil honey. The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever best sleep with a cold medicine. awith your next new vehicle . What kind of value are you looking for with subaru, you get Kelley Blue Books 2020 best resale value brand, 2020 lowest 5year cost to own brand, and most trusted brand for six consecutive years. No wonder Kelley Blue Book also picked subaru as their 2020 best overall brand. A trusted brand and a proven value. Its easy to love a subaru. Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on select new 2020 models, now through november 2nd. Stephen welcome back. Lets say hello to mr. Jon batiste. Im looking at him right now. Why shouldnt you get a chance to . Its a pleasant sight. Jon whats the word, stephen . How are you feeling . Stephen i dont understand, after a week like this, you still look fresh and i feel like a wet sack of walnuts. Jon yeah, im feeling it. That was a late one, and it was a hard one to watch, in many respects, but, you know what . Stephen absolutely. So much is hard to watch right now. Jon everything is hard to watch. And i hope that it will be over soon. Stephen i will tell you this. I will tell you this, my friend. On november 3, something is coming to an end. Jon thats right. That is a true statement. Stephen something is coming to an end on november 3, depending on the decision the American People make. I hope they make the right one. Jon we know what the right one is. We need to keep pushing toward that. Stephen thats right. Jon, have you got any music coming out of your fingers . Jon always in the mind and the heart and coming through the fingers. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon batiste, everybody. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon batiste, everybody. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, you know i spend a lot of time selecting the finest topical sterling silver serving spoons the biggest news fondue pots, and monogrammed washcloths, to carefully curate the williamssonoma wedding registry that is my monologue. But, sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i like to dig through my junk drawer and pull out a half used box of straws, two packets of expired gatorade powder, and a promotional key chain to create the high School Mathletes secret Santa Gift Exchange of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, rumors continue to circulate around the new Amazon Studios lord of the rings series. And the latest is that amazon plans to include nude scenes in the show. Thats the good news. The bad news its not who you want it to be. They have a cave troll. The rumor got started when internet sleuths found some casting calls for the show saying that the filmmakers need nude people based in auckland. Okay, that doesnt sound like they need actors who are willing to be nude, it sounds like they want people who are currently nude. So, tough break for all of you clothed actors out there, but great news for creepy paul. Quarantinewhile, we here at meanwhile interactive synergy and disruption consultancy partners l. L. C. Sometimes acquire so many food related stories, we collect them in our quarantinewhile sub, sub segment cuisinewhile. Cuisinewhile, because of the pandemic, some restaurants are introducing time limits. Thatll make for a romantic first date. Hey, im having a great time, i could stare into your eyes forever, but, do you mind chugging your lobster bisque . cause the waiters givin me the stinkeye. Quarantinewhile, fans of kraft mac and cheese have been scandalized because apparently krafts newest ad campaign has a risque tagline send noods. I see what theyre doing there. Lets hope its more successful than hormels rump roast campaign, eat butt. laughter quarantinewhile, heres a thing that exists its the worlds first appcontrolled male chastity device, perfect for anyone whos ever wanted to say alexa, turn off my husband. The cellmate chastity lock works by allowing a trusted partner to remotely lock and unlock the chamber over bluetooth using a mobile app. cause nothing gets you in the mood like two factor authentication. Baby, lets make love. Right after i click on every square where theres a traffic light to prove im not a robot. Quarantinewhile, you can now be sexy Hand Sanitizer for halloween. Lets see it jim. Thats not a sexy Hand Sanitizer. This is sexy Hand Sanitizer. Ooh, yeah, a fully stocked shelf of reasonablypriced purifying gel with no limit two per customer signs. Mmm i want to take you home and get sterile all night long. Well be right back with mindy kaling. Unitedhealthcare medicare plans offer so much more. 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