Thats not going to last long, i dont think. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight the feeling is mutable. Plus, stephen welcomes dolly parton and musical guest Ty Dolla Sign featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome, one and all. To a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Were are exactly two weeks away from the election. So, if you havent decided who youre voting for yet, good luck escaping that abandoned mineshaft. Or stay down there til we have a vaccine its hard to explain. We really need a vaccine. Its a long story. As the election day barelies down on us like an outofcontrol manure spreading, one of the last chances to influence the race is thursdays president ial debate. We at the late show will be live, with indepth political analysis and extensive coverage of whatever flying creature happens to steal the show. My money is on a fruit bat landing on kristen welker. Now, at the last debate, trump interrupted biden and Chris Wallace and this is true 128 times. So, the Debate Commission has announced there will be a mute button at the next president ial debate. Thats good while were at it, how about a fast forward button . Just zip straight to november 3. Now, this mute button wont be operational for the entire debate. Each candidate will be given two minutes to answer an initial question. During that portion, the opposing candidates microphone will be muted. On of course, trump could just interrupt biden by walking over to his podium, which is why the Debate Commission is also putting him on a child leash. Donald, not your turn. Go back to your podium. Do not do not eat that, young man the Trump Campaign is not happy. Campaign manager bill stepien told reporters, President Trump is committed to debating joe biden, regardless of lastminute rule changes from the biased commission in their latest attempt to provide advantage to their favored candidate. Enforcing the rules isnt giving someone an advantage. Thats like saying the olympic judges are playing favorites because they wont let me throw bricks at Michael Phelps they may not be happy but, ultimately, the mute button may play into trumps new strategy, because, reportedly, his debate coaches now want him to stop interrupting joe biden and to try to be more likable. Hold on. Now theyre trying to make trump more likable . Hes been the president for almos four years thats like a firefighter showing up to your house, waiting until everything has burned to the foundation, and saying, okay, lets try some water now the president s debate team has also indicated that trump will tell more jokes and strike a softer tone. But they also expect trump to keep going after bidens son hunter. So, softer, funny, but still attack. as trump, whispering why did the chicken cross the road . To buy crack for hunter biden. Too hip for the room . The campaign also wants to give biden plenty of space to make a gaffe, as the president explained this morning to the fox friends. There were a lot of people that say let him talk, because he loses his train loses his train he loses his mind, frankly. Stephen forget about biden. Trump just lost his train of thought between train and of thought. as trump im going to let biden talk until he loses his train. Loses his train. I am a train. Riding that train high on cocaine speaking of which, don junior. Do you have any more the best is yet to come powder . The inside of my skull is still sticky. Trump complained that the media is soft on joe biden. Look at yesterday. He walks out of a store, and the medias standing there, and they asked him what flavor ice cream did you get . I mean, think of this. I know. They never ask me a question like that. I want them to someday, but they never ask me a question like that. What flavor ice cream did you get . Stephen your favorite ice cream . Im going to guess ben jerrys dexamethacone dream. But then, then, later in the interview, trump got the question he asked for do you want to tell us what your favorite milkshake flavor is . Yeah, i would, in about a year or two when everything is so perfect, im going to let you answer that, or ask me that question. Stephen thats the softball you asked for just say your favorite milkshake as trump im not a white supremacist, but i am telling vanilla to stand back and stand by. Trump held a rally in tucson yesterday, and before he went do we need to redo that or cn i just keep going . Just keep going okay. Before he went on, he told reporters so were not going to edit that . Were not going to later see you edit it so i said is perfectly. Were going to stick with this. Transparency. Thats right. Thats the late show promise. Yes ill bleep up, but youll know. Okay. Stars, they dont do their job very well. He told reporters that hes not desperate because hes behind in the polls. Im not running scared. Im running angry, beca i think im running angry. Im running happy, and im running very content. Stephen as trump im not scared. Im angry angry at how happy and content i am which of course then makes me hungry, which makes me sleepy. Im also very doc and very dopey. Once he was on stage, trump assured the crowd that the pandemic is totally under control. We are rounding the turn. We have the vaccines coming and all, but even without, were rounding the turn. Stephen really, rounding . Have you seen the covid spikes . Hospitalizations are on the rise in 41 states. Were not rounding the turn. Im pretty sure were sharpening the turn. What were looking at here is a razorsharp turn. But trump said we should stop even trying to keep people from getting sick now, because people are getting sick of trying to do that. People are pandemiced out. You know that . Theyre pandemiced out. Stephen thats quite a rallying cry when were facing an existential threat. Were tired of it reminds me of churchill we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the landing grounds. Hoo, boy, is anyone else a little nazid out . What if we just let the germans wash over us . Stephen still, trump knows that the economy has taken a hit, so he tacked a few words onto his Famous Campaign slogan. Under my administration, we built the greatest economy in the history of the world, and now were doing it again. You know, its make America Great again, right . I say make America Great again, again again, again. Stephen you know every again you add is really just admitting you screwed something up so bad you had to fix it. Its not that comforting. Its why arbys discontinued their slogan arbys, we have the meets, again. Stephen for a while it wasnt meat, evidently. But these rally crowds love trump. And he had an interesting reaction to that love. Crowd we love you thank you. Youre gonna make me cry dont do that. I dont wanna cry. I dont wanna cry. cheering make me cry, youll destroy my image, and then you wont love me anymore. That would be terrible. Stephen okay, im not saying i believe everything freud said about the impact of an unloving father, but when someone says if i cry, then you wont love me anymore, it seems pretty straightforward. as trump, stifling cry see, papa . No tears im not sad. Im totally happy and content. And angry then trump took aim at his nemesis the earth. The Green New Deal is the craziest thing, right . No more airplanes. No more double cars. Stephen no more double cars Everybody Loves double cars Everybody Knows what a double car is. You get a poppyseed bun, car, cheese, maybe chicken cutlet, car, bun. Or is it one car between two chucken patties i dont know. Trump said he felt great after getting treated for the covid, and he played whats fast becoming one of his latest hits. I woke up, and i felt good. I said, get me out of here. Boom, superman. Crowd superman, superman, superman. Stephen trump isnt superman. For petes sake, superman spends half of his time at least pretending to care about journalism. The daily slamit stephen trump pointed out how much sun hes getting at these rallies. Youre gonna see me tomorrow, im gonna look like a lobster. Youre gonna say, look what we did to him. They said, would you like to wear a hat . I said theres no way im wearing a hat. I gotta show these we gotta show strength, right . Stephen first of all, gonna look like a lobster . You already look like youve slathered yourself with drawn butter. And hats are a sign of weakness . Hats are kind of your thing your campaign has always been about hats. And, hats. It was always about hats. Trump is holding so many rallies because hes running out of cash to advertise. Meanwhile, bidens campaign is flushed with money, and hes targeting seniors by advertising heavily on shows such as jeopardy and wheel of fortune. In fact, last week, biden even sponsored one of the puzzles. Trump may be trailing biden in fundraising, but he told the crowd he could get all the money he needs, if he really wanted to. I would be the greatest fundraiser in history. Dont forget, im not bad at that stuff, anyway, and im president. cheering so i call some guy, the head of exxon. I call the head of exxon, i dont know, hi, how are you doing . How is energy coming . When are you doing the exploration . Oh, you need a couple of permits, huh . Okay. But i called the head of exxon. I said you know, i would love for you to send me 25 million for the campaign. Absolutely, sir. Why didnt you ask . Would you like some more . I would raise a billion dollar in one day if i wanted to. Stephen its bad enough that trump was bragging that it would be so easy for him to extort Illegal Campaign contributions from an oil company, but he also fisherprice phone. as trump hello, nasa . How is space . Still real big . Moon seems to be getting fat this month. Anyway, i need a billion dollars so i can be president. Thank you. Mommy has my chicken fingers ready, goodbye. This was a hypothetical scenario, but trumps reputation for quid pro quo is so bad, that the Exxon Corporation felt the need to clarify we are aware of the president s statement regarding a hypothetical call with our c. E. O. And just so were all clear, it never happened. Sure, we poison your coastlines, we bury Climate Change research, weve dabbled in regime change and brutal suppression of popular will in third world countries, but this guy might make us look bad. Trumps not just sick of coronavirus. Hes also sick of people trying to protect you from it. Hes been attacking dr. Anthony fauci, seen here telling one covid patient what not to lick. The president s been running off his mouth about fauci, calling him an idiot. Well, yesterday, in a radio interview, fauci said he wasnt going to comment on it, because he doesnt want the drama. And he used movie reference to prove his point i focus totally on the health and the welfare of the people of this country. Thats the only thing i really care about. That other stuff, you know, its like in the godfather. Nothing personal, strictly business, as far as im concerned. laughter stephen hes right. The trumps are just like the corleones. Who can forget this famous scene look how they massacred my boy. Hey, guys, hope youre doing well. Just watching my algorithms get crushed. I dont want his mother to see him this way. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Dolly parton is here but when we come back, meanwhile. Join us, wont you. Not much, how about you . Are you answering my text in person . I am, yeah. Lol come on in. This is tech that helps you be there. The Nissan Altima now offering the most techadvanced engine in its class the Nissan Altima we knew that this wast really, really bad. We had ample forewarning. But we did almost no testing, almost no contact tracing. Completely ignored the science, completely ignored the warning signs. There were things that could have been done. A lot of people have died needlessly, and theres nothing more frustrating than feeling like youre fighting against someone who should have your back. We are not going to stamp this out unless we have a change of leadership. Ff pac is responsible for the content of this ad. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Say hi to jon. You sounded good. Good to see you. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen we talked about voting last night. We talked about voting last night. Jon yes. Stephen but never a bad time talking about voting. Have you decided when and where youre going to vote . Jon im voting this saturday. Im getting out there, man, early in new york city. And i love what youre doing with better know a ballot. We have to get that out there, man. Stephen last night we were talking. I didnt know you can track a ballot. I found out from the crack team at better know a ballot. You can go to better know a ballot and you can find out if and when early voting starts in your state, find out where you can vote in your town or your county. You can find official drop boxes near you. You can track your ballot. All that at betterknowa ballot. Com and you can find out where to vote on election day if you dont want to vote early or by mail. Which i get. Theres something exciting about going on the day of. Jon going on the date of is such a ritual, we go there and stand and stay and pack lunches and we bring our headphones and we just stay. We do it. Stephen the voting has just blown the doors off all the records right now. Jon man, yeah. I seen those early numbers. And the blue is rolling in. Come on now, come on. Stephen everybody come on. Youre going to want to be part of it. You want to be able to tell your grandchildren you did the right thing. Jon thats right. History has its eye on you. Stephen jon, did you how about does history have its fingers on the piano keyboard right now . What have you got . Jon oh, yeah, a whole lot of history, and futures with it, too. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon aaahhh stephen folks, every night i take the highest quality bolt of story cloth of the day, the silkiest news threads, and meticulously handstitch them into the fine italian designer jacket that is my monologue. But now and then, i like to gather up the discarded news rags off the floor of my comedy cabin, yank some ratty twine out of an old feed bag, and lovingly sew them together into the that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, im a huge proponent of face masks. Theyre simple, theyre practical, and they save lives. But, dammit, why cant they be delicious . Well, now they are, because hormel foods has announced a baconscented face mask they call breathable bacon. okay, sounds nice, not a breakthrough. Americans always inhale bacon. I have huffed a pork belly. The numberthree cause of death in america is ham lung. Quarantinewhile, as part of the effort to build a lunar base by 2028, nasa and nokia are putting a 4g network on the moon. I dont know if thats a good idea. You know, the next time some dude lands up there, itll sound like this thats one small step for man. One giant penis pic for mankind youre welcome, ladies stephen according to nasa, the Wireless Network will be used for streaming highdefinition video. Just what you want astronauts focused on during a highpressure Space Mission netflix. Uh, houston, we have a problem. Emily is in paris, but she doesnt speak french. How will she help savoirs social media strategy . Please advise. Nasa is doing this as part of its artemis program, which aims to sustain a human presence on the moon. And you started with cell service . Look, were going to get to oxygen and Potable Water in a minute, but im not going up there unless i can post my tang on the grams quarantinewhile, this tiktok video is going viral this week of a woman running a subsix minute mile while nine months pregnant holy mother of god i think maybe literally. The closest ive gotten to a subsixminute is after eating a sub in six minutes. After which i looked pregnant. Quarantinewhile, an airplane passenger in india was caught smuggling gold nuggets in his rectum to avoid taxes. Smart. Plus, now he can write off his rectum as a home office. The trouble started when airline authorities spotted a man walking oddly, and discovered he had about two pounds in bullion shoved into his rectum. Oh, theres gold in them thar hills. Now, im sure youre wondering what that gold looked like, and im sure its pretty small stuff, maybe some little coins or little balls or oh, my god even more amazing he ran a subsixminute mile with that up there. A 24yearold nursery for baby sharks was found in south carolina. I believe we have foot annual of the paleontologists announcing their discovery of the shark nursery baby shark do, do, do, do in canada, theica yand town of asbestos has chosen a new name. It was originally named after the local mine 100 years ago when asbestos was a cuttingedge material to be proud of. So now theyve renamed it to something they will never regret bitcoin, quebec. Well be right back with dolly parton. More to me than hiv. Im a peer educator,. A fitness buff,. And a champion for my own health. I talked with my doctor. And switched to. Fewer medicines with. Dovato. Prescription dovato is for some adults who are starting hiv1 treatment or replacing their current hiv1 regimen. With. Just 2 medicines. In 1 pill, dovato is as effective as a 3drug regimen to help you reach and stay undetectable. Research shows people who take hiv treatment as prescribed. And get to and stay undetectable. Can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Dont take dovato if youre allergic to any of its ingredients. Or if you take dofetilide. Hepatitis b can become harder to treat while taking dovato. Do not stop dovato without talking to your doctor,. As your hepatitis b may worsen or become lifethreatening. Serious or lifethreatening side effects can occur, including allergic reactions,. 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