By the way, is it possible nicklaus had a stroke . That worth sort of rain and it. Mcelroy makes the par. He needed that birdie. I have a couple of birdies for nicklaus right here. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight the nightmare before tuesday. Plus, stephen welcomes Neil Degrasse tyson. And a special appearance by jon stewart. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen here we go, baby. Everybody ready to do it . Because this is not a drill. Welcome to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Lets get right to it because there is a lot to talk about on this tsunami of a news day seemed like every minute there was a new development with massive implications for our uncertain future. Case in point i went to cnn. Com first thing this morning and saw the banner headline was, its friday before election day. Boom bombshell that storys too good to be true. Can we factcheck that . Is that true . Yes, im being told it is friday. They are correct thank you, cnn americas number one source for days of the week. Of course, it being friday is not the real big story. The real big story, fresh off the steaminghot presses costco is pulling products from its shelves that are allegedly made with forced monkey labor. Forced monkey labor . Thats terrible. Monkeys should never be used as forced labor, unless you have 1,000 monkeys, give them typewriters, let em type for a million years. They will eventually write tonights monologue. But back to the nonunionized monkey labor the product in question is chaokoh brand coconut milk, which allegedly is made with the help of chainedup monkeys, who pick around 400 coconuts a day and are then stuffed in their cages until their next shift. Somewhere, jeff bezos just said, how often do these monkeys ask for bathroom breaks . Oh, the floor is their bathroom . Interesting. Interesting. Would these monkeys be willing to relocate to queens . Now thats my basisose, by the way. Thats my bezos. Now, on its surface, this sounds like a surefire money saver. But im sure a Monkey Workforce has its challenges. In fact, we have foot annual do we have this . We have footage of a recent uprising, where the monkeys started rolling coconuts at their manager. video game noises stephen managers fine. He has three extra lives. Now, chaokoh denies using monkey labor to produce its coconut milk, even commissioning a report entitled the monkeyfree coconut duediligence assessment which, of course, is also the name of my favorite 60s psychedelic band. I want to reiterate my position that exploiting monkeys is abuse. Its wrong. Its never acceptable. Even when its funny, like dressing them as astronauts, teaming them up with Clint Eastwood to fight crime, or washing a cat. But i will say, if you do need to wash your cat, youre not going to do better than a monkey for getting in the nooks and the crannies. But as Elvis Presley once said, too much monkey business. Its time now to turn to the story that has set the punditsphere abuzz. In new york, a man was waiting for the bus when a hole suddenly opened on the sidewalk, and he dropped 15 feet into an underground vault teeming with rats. Okay, let me see. Let me see clears throat yep, there it is on my 2020 bingo card 15foot rat hole. Right next to hugs kill grandma now. Also on here, qtip up my nose every day. By the way, who can forget when 15foot rat hole opened for monkeyfree coconut Due Diligence assessment at filmore east . Now long walk, but worth it. Now, dont worry, the mans okay, thanks to the many, many but theres footage of the incident. There he is. And, Boomtown Rats and hes gone. Of course, it was more whimsical in Shel Silversteins book, where the sidewalk ends oh, dear god its full of rats, help me now, for all of you not from new york, this is very common. There are massive rat pits all over the city, where the rats just collect and the pressure builds up, eventually erupting in a rat geyser. We call it ol ratful. And youre probably saying, stephen, falling into a 15foot hole full of rats sounds like a nightmare. Well, liz, youre wrong. Its much worse than that. Heres the victims brother it was so bad. He didnt want to yell, because he was afraid it was gonna be rats, you know, went inside his mouth and stuff. Stephen awful, yes, but another timely reminder about how important it is to wear a mask. Anyway, all i want to say is compared to the gnawing anxiety of the next four days, 15foot rat hole sounds pretty good especially if those rats dont have wifi. Plus, rat pits still less of a disease vector than attending a trump rally. Now, in addition to coconut monkey slaves and new york rat geysers, the coronavirus continues to surge. Ill give you the latest in tonights installment of catch a third wave endless bummer. Im gonna disappear any minute now heh heh stephen get out get out jimmy get out yesterday, the u. S. Surpassed nine million total infections another sad milestone to add to the 2020 list, alongside most sourdough eaten and longest duration between showers. Its all recorded in the grimmest book of world records. Yesterday, the u. S. Also reported 90,000 new daily cases, the equivalent of more than one per second. One viral expert explained how fast that is covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid. Stephen its pretty depressing, but recently, one doctor with the Oregon Health authority celebrated halloween by putting a happy face on the pandemic. As of today, there have been 38,160 cases of covid19 in oregon, with 390 new cases being reported today. Sadly, we are also reporting three deaths today. Stephen congratulations, pennywise. You are now americas second creepiest clown. But some people say theres nothing to worry about, as don junior explained on the fox news. I went through the c. D. C. Data. Because i kept hearing about new infections, but i was like, well, why arent they talking about deaths . Oh, oh, because the number is almost nothing. Stephen if youre curious about how much don junior thinks is almost nothing, yesterday, 1,004 americans died from coronavirus. I wouldnt ask don junior to give a eulogy. as don jr. we are gathered here today for absolutely no good reason. I mean, what are you all crying about . Your grandpa was just one guy. Its almost nothing. Are you single . What he juniored on weve gotten control of this thing. We understand how it works. They have the therapeutics to be able to deal with this. If you look at that, look at my instagram. Stephen okay, lets look at his instagram. Hey, guys. Hope youre doing well. Just watching my algorithms get crushed. Stephen from the looks of things, instant gram might be the name of don juniors cocaine delivery service. Because it sure seems like hes crushing more than his algorithm. Both candidates were on the road today. Biden traveled to minnesota, wisconsin, and iowa, while trump campaigned in michigan, minnesota, and wisconsin. Trumps hitting americas heartland, hoping theyll forget what hes done to americas lungland. So far, the polls have been good for biden, and not just in the blue states. Hes currently slightly ahead in georgia, and texas is a tossup texas a state so conservative, their Lieutenant Governor is an oil derrick with a pistol. Despite the good news all around the electoral map, prepare to panic. Ill give you a moment, okay, ready . Two pollsters who correctly predicted that trump would win in 2016, are saying they see polls again underestimating his support. Their theory is that trump has a lot of supporters who dont show up in the polls because they are reluctant to share their opinions for fear of being judged. They call them shy trump voters. Really . Shy trump voters . Have you seen their rallies . What would shy trump voters even look like . Um. Excuse me, maybe we could lock her up just a little or just keep her in a little room, or something . Shell be fine. Maybe build a little bit of the wall . Im sorry. Stupid, stupid. I hate myself. And immigrants. The Biden Campaign has gotten some interesting help online, where dominatrixes have been getting their submissives to vote blue. It makes sense. Who better than a woman with a whip to whip the vote . One dominatrix doing this is goddess gia, a foot and financial dominatrix. Okay, foot and financial, shes a double major. Good for you. In exchange for proof that her submissives had voted for biden, she gave free content for a week. Shes not the only one giving out free sexy content. If you can prove to me that you voted, ill give you a weeks membership to cbs seriously, we mean all access. Yay, pretty racy. You know bob hearts abishola . You go vote, you get to see bob eggplant abishola. Id watch that. And theres more at stake than the satisfaction of doing your civic duty. You see, submissives have to obey their dominatrixes and many of these doms are saying, if you dont register to vote, you dont get to finish. And until we know who won, theyre all going to be stuck with raging elections. Warning if your trump lasts more than four years, call your doctor. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Neil Degrasse Tyson is here. Bu when we return, ill be joined by a surprise guest. Its jon stewart. Stick around. I cant believe it. What . That our new house is haunted by casper the friendly ghost . Hey jill hey kurt movies . Ill get snacks no, i cant believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on our Car Insurance with geico. I got snacks ohhh, i got popcorn, i got caramel corn, i got kettle corn. Am i chewing too loud . Believe it geico could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. I felt gross. It was kind of a shock after i started cosentyx. Four years clear. Real people with psoriasis look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Learn more at cosentyx. Com. How to ensure your vote counts. Because of covid19 president ial election,. Polling locations. Confusion is high. fisherman vo how do i register to vote . working mom vo i think im already registered. Hmm . Hmm . Hmm woman on porch vo can we vote by mail here . man on porch vo lemme check. woman vo thank you man vo thank you grandma vo youll be safe, right . daughter vo yes four girls vo the polls voted grandma vo go out and vote its so important man at poll vo woo grandma vo its the most important thing you can do whosgovernor gavin newsom. The governor says prop 15 is, fair, phasedin, and long overdue reform, that will exempt Small Businesses and Residential Property owners. Join governor newsom. Vote yes on 15. Whos supkamala harris. 5 . Harris says, a Corporate Tax loophole has allowed billions to be drained from our Public Schools and local communities. No more. Im proud to support prop 15. Vote yes. Schools and communities first is responsible for the content of this ad. Stephen hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to a late show. Lets say hello to jon batiste. Hello, jon jon hello stephen hey, im looking forward to our show on tuesday night. To just remind people, were not going to be here on cbs. Were going to be over on showtime. Jon yes, yes, come on now, come with us. Stephen 11 00. Were going lobby live. Were going to have snacks. Tell people where youll be. Jon in philly, uplifting spirits. Come on, manifest the rightness, baby. Stephen you get to exercise your franchise, and you get a free concert. Jon batiste, friends. Thank you, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen you know, folks, with all the uncertainty in the world, this year has been incredibly stressful. But in many ways, i feel its brought me and you, my audience, closer together. Thats why im finally ready to unveil my new segment Stephen Colberts intimate secrets. Shhhhh stephen welcome to steveern coal beiruts intimate secrets. Tonight, we explore the titillating world of body modification. Ive recently learned that the nerve endings in the male nipple are not to be trifled with im sorry, am i getting a call . Who is it . Jon stewart hey, Stephen Colbert. Stephen its so great to see you. Im calling you on the phone stephen and were also talking on the computer. Its the future, jon. Its the future. They promised this to us. Stephen were doing the show i always love seeing you, but what why why who to what do i owe this . First of all, i get an alarm on my phone whenever you start to unbutton your shirt. But i wanted to call and say to you, happy anniversary, friend. Thank you. I love you and i miss you and happy anniversary. Stephen i miss you, too. What is the anniversary were celebrating, jon. Stephen, 10 years ago, we had the rally. We had a big rally on the mall on washington, d. C. It was 10 years ago. Stephen right i actually have the poster right here hold on one second. What . Stephen ive got it right here. Its this, this thing the rally to restore sanity and or fear. I remember that. 200,000 people showed up. We had so many great performers. Jeff tweety, mavis staples, ozzy osbourne, sheryl crowe, tony bennett sang america the beautiful wow, what a day it was. We really showed glenn beck. Stephen yeah, yeah. Stephen remember your part was to restore the sanity. And i joined in for the march to keep fear alive. Yeah, you. You won. Stephen yes, i did, yes, i did. It was a shutout. Stephen im sorry about that, i was hoping you a shellacking. I had no idea fear was that strong. Stephen well, i was hoping you would win. Man, you and me both. But you know what . We could do a rematch. Ill plan a new one. Theres a new anniversary rally coming, mavis, and tweety, and tony bennett. Were all going to come back. Were going to have so much fun were going going to celebrate and stephen jon, jon. Its going to be great and stephen jon. Yeah. Stephen theres no rally. No. Stephen jon no, no. Stephen jon, how are you . Im not good, stephen. Im not good. Im terrified. Im terrified. Im anxious. Im lonely. Im wishing it was 2010 again. I just i cant, the election and the pandemic. How much canned soup and ammunition can one man have, stephen . Stephen never enough, jon. Do you remember, i came on the show, it must have been 11 days after trumps inauguration. Stephen yeah. And it had already felt like he had always been president. I remember saying, the presidency is supposed to age the president , and not the people. Stephen i do remember. I do remember that. Do you know how long ago that was . Stephen uhm. 2 ston years, stephen. It was 271 stephen can we check that out . My factchecker says thats true. Jon, weve got you can feel better because weve got the election just four days from now. I just want to know what is gonna happen. I want to know how much longer we have to keep going through this, where we are in this in this marathon. You know . Is it on election day, are we at the Heartbreak Hill . Do you know what i mean . That all that effort and all that resilience is about to pay off . Were going to cross the finish line and finally be able to exhale. Or is this the, you know, halfway point, the 13mile mark, and when my nipples will stop bleeding. These are these are questions i need to know, stephen. Stephen well, as for where we are, that depends. Whats your finish line . The finish line for me is is this man not being president anymore and 1,000 people not dying every day from a disease we dont understand still. Stephen oh, so the finish line is your finish line. Yes. Stephen okay well the finish line is the finish line gli understand. I understand. I get i get it now. I dont i dont know for certain, but i know that well know on tuesday. Will we, stephen, will we. Stephen i dont know i dont even know if well know we dont even know if well know oned it. And for gods sake if an asteroid doesnt hittous monday because its been that kind of bleep year. Stephen there is by the way, you cant say bleep on cbs. I know you have the new deal with plu, and you can say anything you want over there . Thats only on peoples ipod s. Stephen the original ipod with the scroll wheel . Theres actually an asteroid coming on monday. Thats not made up. There is actually an asteroid buzzing by the planet on monday. Im going to talk to my guest Neil Degrasse tyson. Is that true . Stephen thats actually true. I was met for example. I was being met for example. Stephen judge jon, its 2020. All metaphors are real now. Did you ever imagine in your wildest dreams that this would be life. Stephen no, i did and i read a lot of science fiction. I read see, thats stephen a lot of distonians. And i never knew how stupid our leaders would be. Do you know how jacked up on soma i am right now . But this is why and this is what the people dont know about Stephen Colbert. This is where i look to you, because your frame of reference, you go from biblical edens to distonian futures and you have the whole breadth of that continuum at your photographic memory and mindset, so i ask you now, stephen, is it going to be okay . Stephen of course. And you can give me something from that from that role bex stephen yes. Lord of the rings. Give me lord of the rings. Stephen i always have lord of the rings. What do you want from lord of the rings . Do you want something hopeful from lord of the rings . Yes, gives me something that bears out resilience. Stephen give me a second. Im going through the old tol kin occip tol rolodex here, dark times but hopeful. Got it. Come on, come on, baby. Stephen return of the king. Over the mountains of shadow, theyre on the plane of gorgogorring on the. I know what the plain of gorgoroth is, stephen. Im from new jersey. You think i dont know that. Frodo is passed out from the stress of rings. He can barely drag himself forward. And sam is looking over him. And hes there at night, and theyre hiding like in a little crater on the plane, and sam looks up at the sky, and tolkien, right there, peeping, among the cloud rack, above the dark tor, sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like