Were first coming in. If youre a big fan of uncertainty, youre going to love this. Also, youre going to love life because does god throw some curveballs. Lets sit back, relax, then tense up and give a look at the first time we didnt know what the hell was happening. The most contentious election in u. S. Histories. Still hours until the polls close. The Ugliest Campaign weve ever seen. The nation still reeling from the deadliest pandemic ever seen. The question all of america is asking are we bleep . With millions of mailin ballots still to be counted, cnn is now ready to project. Too early to call. Too early to call, huh . Wait till they get a lod load o. laughing this election, so historic, so crucial. Who will the People Choose . Perhaps a president who does not wish to murder me. Only time will tell. Sorry to interrupt, world, its your once and future president here, with an important election update. I smell a landslide cheering . Excuse me, senator, masks are required beyond this point. Oh, silly me. Off to the bleep pit. I have defeated the china virus and now, here tonight, i will defeat the china biden. Bill barr, lets close the polls yes, mr. President. What the bleep . Why are you naked . Were on showtime. I can show full frontal, mr. President. All right. Now, lets look them up. Time to put the dick in dictator. See, america, a landslide tonight, we celebrate on the streets of d. C. This democracy. Stephen breaking news, i am now locked in a polling place with hundreds of voters, and only one bathroom. It seems chili was a bad lunch choice. The question on everyones mind where is joe biden . Im awake am i president yet . No, its the joe signal. We know what that means. Theres a train coming . I have to get my bags no, democracy is in jeopardy oh, right, the thing. To the biden basement. y. M. C. A. what a landslide, huh, folks . Heres your stupid stimulus, suckers young man, get yourself off the ground read in the coronavirus. Dont let it dominate you. Dont be afraid youre going to feel 20 years younger i said young man, when youre short on. Megamay gomega. Moneymoneymoney. Who do you trust . Me . Im giving away free vaccines. laughing eric help me out and where is joe biden . Hes at home washing his mask i got ice cream on it, geez focus, joe, time to suit up to the biden mobile come on weve got to stop him. Here tear gas ass is grass. Why is he naked . Its showtime, joe all right,. Redact this, bitch this is turning me on weve been freed, and just in time to use the little anchors room. Skipetydo folks. E. T. , go vote dump trump. I knew he was juicein. Come on, you sleepy bastard time to stop the malarkey, you lying dogfaced pony clown lets settle this like men. How long will it take for you to go away, 130,000. You can make the check out to perry cuomo. I guess were doing this. Reporter, just you and me now. Mono e eric i love you, dad you lose, joe. Whatever happened ugh to democracy . Maybe im immune. I dont know. Not so fast. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. Tv. And were live. Democracy dont die that easy, jack. The American People still got a say who wins and who loses. Stay back i gotta stay president im 400 million in debt to some really bad ukrainians now put the democracy down, and nobody gets hurt. Oh, man, will you just shut up bababing. Its rigged theyre all rigged ahahaha i hate everybody what about hillarys emails . You know, you always said it was going to disappear. Like a miracle. splash new president oh, crap, this aint over everyone keep counting the votes Election Night 2020 democracys last stand. Building back America Great again better, 2020. Aaarrrgghhh there cant be only one. Stephen welcome, welcome one and all. To our live live Election Special. I am your host, stephen colbert. Im wearing a suit tonight because its the election. I thought it would be nice. I dressed up. I thought you would too. Im not alone. I have the two masked men who are normally in here. Id love to learn their names some day. My lady wife is here. Shes right over there. Shes had a little wine. But shes a core demographic. Shes a suburban woman. As she goes, so goes the nation, is my understanding. Tonight shes going home with me. And tonight were on sho time, just like four years ago. And we know why were here, because its live. The thing is, we dont know what some of the ingredients of tonights show are going to be. Its like making cookies. At this point, we dont know whats going to be in the batch, chocolate chips, raisins, or a handful of thumbtacks. As we journey into the unknown, please be patient with us and yourself. Hold on tight. Hold on to your loved ones. Hold on to your pets. And if youre holding on to anything else turn your zoom camera off. A lot of people are asking me why we did this again because we did it four years ago and it was a painful experience. But i wouldnt want to be with anyone else but you right now, and partly because were not allowed to leave new york anymore. Im glad to be on showtime, because holy bleep . This is a bleep weird election. First of all, were in a pandemic, so before the polls opened this morning, 99. 7 of americans voted. A lot of the votes were were sent by mail, and as we peek, the g. O. P. Is working hard to convince the courts to disqualify votes on technicalities and baseless charges of fraud. You know the old saying if you cant beat em, find a judge who says that, no, actually, you did beat em. Now, doubt about whether the election will be fair or not has raised fear of violence in the streets. In fact, all over the countries, retailers are boarding up their windows. Its been a banner day for jims doomsday plywood. Jims is actually open. The plywood is just its just always up there. Businesses everywhere are taking precautions, including saks fifth avenue and cvs. Instead of plywood, cvs is protecting its windows with a receipt for a single gatorade. As we speak, joe biden is in delaware, the president is at the white house. If either one of them comes out to speak, during this show do we have the capability to do this . We are prepared not to go to either one of them, because this is my show. Get your own show, fellas. And while this is a comedy show so far the results youll be hearing are real. Were getting them straight from the pipe over at cbs news, the same pipe they jack into the back of john dickersons head. At the white house, the president is throwing a party is that still happening . Its still happening. It is planned for 250 guests, down from the original 400. Trump wanted to keep it to just his nearest and dearest codefendants. Once again, the president is holding a large indoor gathering during a pandemic. This way, if he loses, he can just seal his administration in with him, like a pharoahs tomb. Hes already got gold walls, hieroglyphics, and his demonic escort into the underworld. And to keep trump safe from the election unrest that hes counting on, the government erected a nonscalable fence around the white house. So, in the end, they built. The. Wall. And locked. Him. Up. Promises made, promises kept. Yesterday was both candidates last chance to make a pitch to the voters. Joe biden was in pennsylvania, where he brought out a special guest lady gaga because nothing steams trumps buns more than a top celebrity shilling for the other guy. The best hes ever gotten was pop sensation lady rudy. Thought, its refreshing to see rudy in a comedy bit where hes not touching himself. So at one of his closing rallies, trump lashed out at bidens pop star friend. Lady gaga is not too good. I could tell you plenty of stories about lady gaga. I have lots of stories about lady gaga. Stephen what . You have lots of stories about lady gaga . Then why do you keep telling that one about the superstrong rancher whos never cried before . Or your madeup friend jim who doesnt go to paris anymore . Or the wife who suddenly loves her husband because their 401k is doing well . Stop wasting our time. Spill the gaga tea and i trust i did this correctly the Trump Campaign doubled down with a tweet nothing exposes bidens disdain for the forgotten working men and women of pennsylvania, like campaigning with antifracking activist lady gaga. Yes, thats what lady gaga is famous for. Who can forget her big hit im off the deep end watch as i dive in ill never fraaaack the ground laugh. Stephen that song gets me. That song gets me every time. Coming up, more monologue. Hey yeah . I switched to geico and got more more savings on Car Insurance . They helped with homeowners, too ok plus motorcycle, boat and rv insurance geicos got you covered like a blanket houston . You seeing this . Geico. Expect great savings and a whole lot more. Faster, faster theyre gaining on you [engine revving] thats good come on come on [spooky laugh] okay now [yelling] cross eerbody off heyour gift list. E emas. The whole squad lookin fly in the halfzips. Its the coziest fleecemas that ever existed. Shop cozy styles for everyone on your list. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com less oral steroids. Taking my treatment at home. Nucala is a oncemonthly addon injection for severe eosinophilic asthma. Not for sudden breathing problems. Allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or trouble breathing. Infections that can cause shingles have occurred. Dont stop steroids unless told by your doctor. Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. May cause headache, injection site reactions, back pain, and fatigue. Ask your doctor about nucala at home. Find your nunormal with nucala. vo command hooks are easy to apply and remove cleanly. Ask your doctor about nucala at home. Command. Do. No harm. Thats why i take osteo biflex, to keep me moving the way i was made to. It nourishes and strengthens my joints for the long term. While helping with occasional joint stiffness. Osteo biflex. Stephen okay, ladies and gentlemen, again, these are actual results that we received, thanks to advance ed thanks to advanced computer modeling and the occasional singing telegram. What do we have first, maryland . Lets start in maryland, where cbs projects that joe biden has defeated donald trump. as trump but maryland and i have so much in common were both known for giving people crabs we can also report that vermont has been called for former Vice President joe biden. The ticket was given a huge boost, thanks to ben jerrys new flavor former ice pretzelmint cupofjoe bitein and califudgia senapeanutbutor kamalananna harrreecespieces. I have to hydrate after that joke. Theres more . Moving on, we are now able to project that delaware has been won by joe biden. Well, i should hope so. Its his home state. That would be like donald trump losing new york. He what . Thats gotta sting. Well, as i just pretended to hear from off camera new york state and its whopping 29 electoral votes has just been called for Vice President joseph r. Biden. You know what they say if you can make it here, youre not donald trump. Further south, the number callers have called the numbers, and it looks like kentucky has gone for donald trump. And, oh, of oh, look Mitch Mcconnell is so proud, hes inflating his wattle oh, an aggressive mating gesture. Watch out, ladies. No surprise, donald trump has won tennessee, which has an actual state gun, the barrett. 50caliber m82, which im being told has also won its senate seat. And a little further west, or north im not sure indiana has just been called for donald trump. Well, of course, it was either vote for him, or take mike pence back. That was an easy call. And for any okies wondering how your pan is being handled, i can now condfidentaly report that the state of oklahoma is being called for donald trump. Well, you know how the song goes to the tune of oklahoma ooooklahoma, where they dont care trump killed herman cain how are you doing over there . Did you get some more wine . With we get her some more wine, please . Thats not a joke. The woman needs to stay whatever that state shes in right now. Speaking of states another state has been officially decided. South dakota is being called for donald trump. Lets see how people in the state are reacting, aaand. And oh no bleep stephen okay. Back east im getting is this true . I am getting breaking results from two hours ago that new jersey has been called for joe biden. That makes sense. After all, the firstever baseball game was played in new jersey in 1846, and joe biden was there. Yep, still gonna do these jokes, sir and i am also getting results in from the nations most massachusettsy state, massachusetts. We are ready to project that it has gone for joe biden. Biden won the hearts of bostonians with his message of telling a guy from new york to shut the hell up. Of course, all day weve been waiting on results from our countrys most rectangular state, colorado. And we got them. And it looks like joe biden has just won colorado heres an interesting fact colorado has a long history of voting by mail. In this years state primaries, 99. 3 of voters used mailin ballots. The remaining. 7 couldnt, because they ahd turned their mailbox into a bong. Theres more. Here we go. Missouri. Im pretending this news has just been handed to me. Missouri has just been called for donald trump. Apparently the show me state likes the guy whos entire show is me. This one this one i did not expect right away. This has got to come as a shocker to everyone in a coma. Joe biden has won the golden state, california with california, because of how the votes are tallied, we may not know the official results for quite a while. So with zero percent reporting and this is true with zero percent reporting because, come on, its california. And this isnt the news, okay. Is that it . Can i move on to other jokes . Have these composted. Folks if you watch election coverage and spiral, you are right now, you know the News Networks always have a panel of experts to help them break down the breaking news. And, in cnns case so that the director has something to cut to when john king gets a little too handsy with his touch screen elections can be lonely. Now, when it comes to panels, its important to have quality, but the most important thing is quantity. Cnn knows that. Back in 2016, they had no less than nine different people weighing in on the results meaning they had more people discussing the voters of wyoming than there are voters in wyoming. Well, i will not sit here to be outquantitied by cnn. So, tonight, im proud to introduce our new segment Stephen Colberts showtime 2020 Election Special the most Election Night panel ever. With me to help are the biggest names in the biz. First up from cbs news, my old pal, john dickerson. Im honored and contractually obligated to be here, stephen. Stephen right you are. Here to give us the insider perspective, somebody who ran for the democratic nomination, former colorado governor, john hickenlooper. Actually, stephen, im michael bennett, the colorado senator. Stephen nice try, hicken looper. We would never be able to book a michael bennett. That dude is a rock star. We have James Carville live from the 1993 documentary the war room. Its the economy, stupid. Stephen dont call me stupid, you cajun mole rat. Next we have andrew yang who ran on the slogan, math, how are the numbers looking tonight, andrew . The numbers are looking great tonight, stephen. Three and five are so visually appealing. 11 has perfect symmetry you wont find anywhere else. These numbers look fantastic. Stephen only time will tell. Now, for a scientific perspective, we have astrophysicist neil degrass tyson. Tonight, i predict the university will die of heat death, 10 to the power of 100 years. Stephen well, i believe ohio might have something to say about that. And to discuss how covid might be affecting the race, we wanted a doctor. Ladies and gentlemen, dr. Jay. Im not a medical doctor, stephen. Stephen and im not a basketball player. Lets stay in our lanes, jay. Next caller. For an international perspective, we have former secretary of state madeleine albright. Where are my pancakes i was told there would be pancakes stephen were faxing them to you now madam secretary. Next, we have a used skidoo salesman on meth. Are you i a cop . You have to share your meth with me if youre a cop. Stephen we are lucky to be joined by one of the great, bryan cranston. Stephen, this dish never fails to impress, and its so easy to make. All you need are chicken thighs, half an onion, and a bottle of qawnt row. Stephen actually, bryan, this is an Election Special, not a cooking show. Right, but you can prepare this dish way ahead of time, before the party, and it will be ready by the time your guests arrive. Stephen yumnum. Also joining us is the fly that was on mike pences head during the debate. Actually, that fly was my greatgreatgreatgreat grandfather. We have very short life spans. Now, if youll excuse me, i have to deposit eggs in thiz scalp. Stephen mosle tof. Weve also got expert analysis from a member of the wu tang clan method man. Reporters show voter turnout is higher than it has been in decades. And so have i. laughs stephen weve all got to get through this election somehow. We also have the host of rupauls drag race. What are you looking for tonight . Well maine and nebraska are the only two states that allow a split in their states electors. So i want to celebrate their desire to go both ways. Oooker. Stephen next we have awardwinning actor and author, ethan hawke, live have a hidden camera. Somebody leave their phone in here . Is this thing on . Stephen and it looks like weve been caught. Colbert. Is that you . Stephen here to count electoral votes, weve got the tootsie pop al. How many votes will the candidates need to clinch the election, mr. Al . One. Two. Three. Stephen so three . No, dummy 270. Do you have another lollipop. Stephen next we have actor and activist george takei. George, what states will you be,lying at night . Personally im interested in the swing states of ohio and michigan, or as theyre known by their postal codes oh, my. Stephen rounding out the panels we have six of santas reindeer, somebody in a cea wig, and to talk about the youth vote five teenagers who are either named joe or donald. My name is ronald. Stephen close enough. There you have it, information. Panel, what are your thoughts about the night so far . all talking at once stephen im being told thats all we have time for. This has been Stephen Colberts showtime Election Special 2020 presents the most Election Night panel ever my apologies to a doris kearns goodwin, we ran out of time. Wait a minute, wait a minute, stephen. Ive got a unique historical perspective. Stephen okay, this is highly unusual, but go ahead. Do you know how much t