We have years of experience prosecuting imaginary voter fraud. Even with zero evidence, we will prove you lost because of glitches, not enough observers, too many observers, counted illegal votes, counted legal votes, sharpies werent allowed, sharpies were allowed, vote written on a sandwich, youre a terrible candidate, dead people voted, not enough dead people voted, and people voted. But dont take my word for it, listen to these satisfied customers. translated roger cornsworth is my lawyer for life because he made me president for life. translated i received two votes from my uncle one from him and the other from the dog i fed him to. translated if it wasnt for roger cornsworth, filipinos would be parading through the streets with my liver on the stick. We wont stop til your democracy is a pile of ash and your ego is soothed call today if you want power thats a cinchely call the attorneys cornsworth and pinchley 1800coupcoupcachoo announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight trambition impossible. Plus, stephen welcomes hugh grant and musical guest Sturgill Simpson featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Oh, what a strange and troubling world some people would like it to be. Yesterday, i was pouring champagne to toast the new administration, and today i will cut you if you come near me, because theres some crazy bleep going on out there on monday, our soontobe former president , citing baseless charges of nonexistent fraud, instructed government leaders to block cooperation with president elect bidens transition team. Heres the thing peaceful transitions are important. You dont see me starting the show every night getting in a knife fight with dave letterman. I wouldnt dare the guys got the reach those hoosiers are scrappy fun fact it was exactly four years ago today that barack obama sat down with the thenpresident elect, and you could tell obama was not happy about it. That picture is so weird. Remember when people touched each other . And its not just the president who is undermining confidence in our elections, so is Senate Majority leader mitch mcconnell, seen here dropping a live mouse into Lindsay Grahams cage. After being noncommittal about the whole president for life thing, yesterday mcconnell assured a worried nation itll probably be okay. Our institutions are actually built for this. We have the system in place to consider concerns, and President Trump is 100 within his rights to look into allegations of irregularities and weigh his legal options. Stephen all hes saying is that, yes, people are concerned about that stick of dynamite, but the president is fully within his legal rights to light the fuse, okay. Scissors are in place to cut the fuse if it gets too close, okay . Great, whos got the scissors . Oh, wait, we gave them to the president. Im sure hell do the right thing. So the Republican Party is backing the president , not because they believe his conspiracy theories, but because they are afraid of making him mad, because they need his base. And they justify all that like this what is the downside for humoring him for this little bit of time . No one seriously thinks the results will change. Should our entire political system be arranged to salve the feelings of the guy who lost. You never saw truman hold up a newspaper that said dewey defeats truman. Let him have this one for a few weeks. He needs it. This afternoon, we explored the downside of humoring the president , thanks to secretary of state and darkest timeline version of the dad from wonder years, mike pompeo. A reporter asked secretary of state pompeo whether the administrations footdragging would endanger national security. Heres what he said there will be a smooth transition to a second trump administration. Right . Stephen no, wrong. First, there wont be a second trump administration, unless tiffany wins in 2032 with the slogan, make america make America Great again again. Secondly, nothing this administration has ever done has been smooth. He couldnt even manage a smooth transition from stage to ground level. Third, your guy lost. Fourth, if that was a joke, you just bombed so hard you violated the geneva convention. This is dangerous. Hes the secretary of state. He represents america to other countries who just got the message that maybe the guy who lost isnt going to leave. You know all those dictators you visited, mr. Secretary . That wasnt supposed to be an internship. And pompeos not the only Administration Official indulging the president s beautiful dark, twisted fantasies. So is attorney general and jackassolantern, bill barr. Yesterday, barr broke with decades of Justice Department policies intended to keep Law Enforcement from affecting the outcome of an election, when he sent a memo instructing federal prosecutors that they could investigate specific allegations of voter fraud before the results of the president ial race are certified. So federal officials are now planning to intervene in our election at the request of their leader. That also has a bit of an international feel, doesnt it . During covid, this is the closest were getting to a vacation. as tourist such a fascinating country im going to drink coffee in little cups, order a croissant, poop standing up, and just enjoy the coup detat. Barrs move was so egregious, it led the Justice Department official who oversees investigations of voter fraud, richard pilger, a career prosecutor in the d. O. J. s Public Integrity section, to step down from the post within hours. You know its bad when the guy from the Public Integrity section quit. Its like managing a restaurant and getting a letter of resignation from your rat turd remover. Even worse, barr admits that he did not see massive voter fraud, and that most of the allegations of voter fraud were related to individual instances that did not point to a larger systemic problem. But that has not stopped him from ordering investigations its like those signs in the subway if you see nothing, keep looking until you can pretend its something. So barrs taking america on a fishing expedition, and i think democracys fredo. Specifically, barr wants to look into ineligible voters in nevada and backdated mailin ballots in pennsylvania, claims that republicans have circulated in recent days without any evidence. Now the d. O. J. Is just chasing down urban legends that get passed around the internet. Get ready for their new task force to catch the slenderman. Hot tip hes married to ivanka now, i want to be clear there is nothing to any of these charges. So far. Soy far the republicans are goose egg for 10 in every lawsuits they have brought. In michigan, they complained that the counting of absentee ballots was fraudulent, but in court, they could not provide evidence of wrongdoing. Instead, republicans said they had information and belief. Your honor, we shouldnt need evidence to believe. Fraud works in mysterious ways. In another michigan case, a republican election observer said she had received allegations of improper vote counting on a sticky note by an unnamed poll worker. Yes, all americans must be on the lookout for the electoral theft from the archcriminal debs yogurt, do not touch. Also in pennsylvania, g. O. P. Lawyers complained that they did not have any election observers in the ballot count. But after the president s lawyer was forced to admit that they had a nonzero number of people in the room, the judge replied, im sorry, then whats your problem . Oh, you dont want to open that can of worms. as lawyer your honor, my client has both a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the nuclear football. Id like to enter into evidence, my poopfilled pants. In arizona, g. O. P. Supporters alleged that vote tabulators were thrown off by the use of sharpie pens and, therefore, disqualified large numbers of votes. What . Sharpies arent reliable . You know, im beginning to suspect that hurricane didnt really hit alabama. It turns out, sharpie pens are, in fact, the best writing instrument to use with the machines because of their fastdry ink, so the voters who filed that sharpie suit have dropped that one and are intervening in the new case filed by the campaign. Sounds like somebodys been huffing the black pony. inhales deeply ill sue anything that moves get back the Republican Party isnt the only threat to our nation right now. On monday, the u. S. Passed 10 million total covid cases unless Rudy Giuliani says that half of those cases were illegal. Check with your local landscaper. But there is a glimmer of hope. Because this weekend, pfizer announced they were making headway on a potential covid vaccine. And esterday, the f. D. A. Granted emergency approval to a synthetic antibody treatment developed by eli lilly called and this is true bamlanivimab. Bamlanivimab. That is a toffee. The hard part is the vimab. Bamlanivimab. Why would you name it that . It sounds like a researcher just dropped a slice of pizza on her laptop. Sounds like a monster from lovecraft country. It sounds like a charming ikea credenza that goes beautifully with your farlov. laughter the drug looks promising. In clinical trials, it has been shown to reduce viral loads and rates of symptoms and hospitalization. Of course, thats not taking into account the increase in hospitalizations from people who choke on their tongues trying to say bamlanivimab. But there is a hopeful development in our fight against the global pandemic, so eli lilly is excited to get the word out about their new drug. If you or a loved one was recently diagnosed with covid19. Josh lyman is proud to announce the new treatment bamlanivimab. If you are suffering from coronavirus symptoms and are over 12, then bamlanivimab might be for you. Side effects of. Include nausea, diarrhea, headache, and confusion about why on earth a company picked this name. Patients should not take bamlanivimab if they are allergic to. So ask your doctor about okay, you know what, just inject bleach. This is why i wanted the zirtek gig. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Hugh grant is here. But when we come back, meanwhile bamlanivimab. Weve made a lot of breakfasts. And along the way, we noticed something was missing. A warm cinnamon roll for breakfast, or with breakfast. A fluffy blueberry muffin, from the drive thru youre already driving through. A glazed apple fritter, which might find its way into your coffee. These are options every breakfasthaver should have, and now. They do. Meet the new bakery sweets at mcdonalds ba da ba ba ba ohhh. Im looking for coupon codes. Well, capital one shopping instantly searches for available coupon codes and automatically applies them. Its called shopping smart. Not hard. But i dont have a capital one card. You should get one but you dont need it for this. Just download capital one shopping to your computer. Its free ooooo, save me some cheddar so. Whens the party . I love fondue. Really . I never joke about hot cheese, susan. Me neither. Capital one shopping. Its kinda genius. Whats in your wallet . Push the button the time has come to galvanize to fight wrinkles . Its what i use neutrogena®. The 1 retinol brand used most by dermatologists. Rapid wrinkle repair® visibly smooths fine lines in 1 week. Deep wrinkles in 4. So you can kiss wrinkles. And other wrinkle creams goodbye rapid wrinkle repair®. Pair with our most concentrated retinol ever for 2x the power. Neutrogena®. Uh, i need a price check on honey. [sigh] dont get mad. Get e trade and get more than just trading. Investing. Banking. Guidance. Get e tnatures bountyre tis here for you. Ready to take your immune support to the next level . The number one herbal supplement brand has everything you need to help keep your immune system strong. Immune support comes naturally with natures bounty. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to a late show. Lets say hello to mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon jon hello, hello yes, yes, indeed. Stephen do you have plans for the holidays . Are you going back to kenner . Jon no, im going to be in the north. I wont be able to get back home, but im going to try to get down there for christmas ill be home for Christmas Stephen i know your mom would miss you if you werent there. Your dad would, too, but you gotta be there for mom. Jon mom, yeah, yeah, thats the one. Stephen do you have anything you can play, a little holiday music to get us going . Its already in all the department stores. Jon oh, yeah, yeah O Christmas Tree stephen i can hear the needles falling off that tree. Badabado e streejon batiste everybody. You know, i spend a lot of time carboloading the days biggest stories, groinstretching with the most vital headlines, and carefully applying the most informative, educational nipple tape to power myself through the news marathon that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, not all the times, just sometimes. I like to down a fifth of bourbon, run around the house til im dizzy, commandeer one of the neighborhood kids bikes, and ride it into the lake for the reckless misdemeanor triathlon of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, in stories you can assume happened in texas, a dog in plano shot a man in the leg. Now, he might have been a bad man, and know the best way to stop him was a good boy with a gun whos a get boy . Whos got a gun . You, do apparently, the man had a pistol tucked inside his waistband, and while picking up his dog, a paw got lodged in the trigger and fired his weapon, sending a bullet into and through his thigh. See, thats the difference between dogs and cats right there. Cats dont miss. laughter quarantinewhile, according to a new survey, a surprising percentage of Young Americans say they have never seen a cow in person. Kids these day, ill tell you. In my day, you used pay phones, you looked the number up in a phone book, then you put the phone book back on top of the cow cause the cities were lousy with em. We all had to put out cow traps. Quarantinewhile, an unemployed man found a new job by posting his resume on a truck, and the man was offered a new position two days after his c. V. Hit the road. Im happy for the guy, and i cant wait for the new History Channel series ice road Human Resources department. Quarantinewhile, in mayonnaise wedding news, the hellmans company surprised a couple whose last names were helms and mayo on their wedding day with mayonnaise. So beautiful. Right up there on the list of things people hope for on their wedding day good weather, no traffic, and surprise mayonnaise. Theyre really grateful, but honestly, they registered for miracle whip. Quarantinewhile, a military carrier pigeon message has turned up 110 years after it was sent. Just goes to show you how hard life was before cell phones. Where were you, man . I was waiting for you outside the Movie Theater for 110 years sorry, my pigeon gets no service in this neighborhood. Is that what i was supposed to do . Was i supposed to do notes to the two guys or was i supposed to be like, hey, what were you doing . Was i supposed to do that . Are we still. The missing message turned up in northeastern france and was sent from one German Military officer to another in 1910, though the script is difficult to decipher. Experts were just able to make out this much german accent zis letter is cursed. If you dont forward zis to seven people in 48 hours, deutschland vil fall under the rule of a psycho painter from vienna. Und youll gain ten pounds quarantinewhile, according to a new study, unlike cats and dogs who form special bonds with their owners, horses dont love specific humans. Its almost like riding on somethings back for hours while whipping it and poking it in the side with metal heelspikes isnt a bonding experience. Also, theres a lot going on right now. Do we really need to be putting effort into testing which animals dont love us . as scientist welp, no cure for covid yet, but we have discovered that bunnies think youre kind of a bitch. Well be right back with hugh grant. To high quality Computer Science and stem education. I joined amazon because i wanted to change education and i am impatient. Amazon gives me the resources to change the world at a pace that i want to change it. We provide students stem scholarships and teachers with support. Im a fighter and im fighting for all students. Crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey. Ombine. Plump, juicy raisins. And tasty fiber. Into one delicious cereal . It took a lot of branstorming. Get it . Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Two scoops of delicious. Lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. 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