Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

A baby announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, potus cant copus. Plus stephen welcomes Michael Moore and musical guest Sara Bareilles, with a special appearance by steve carell, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show. I am your host Stephen Colbert. Im so glad youre here, and you and you and you, my friends, for this special night, because believe it or not, this is our thousandth episode 1,000 i wish i could be together with the whole staff right now. Theyve done such an extraordinary job. The writers, staff, editors, producers, postproduction, the amazing crew, my editorial staff, the lawyers oh, the lawyers we planned a big balloon drop, which i assume is happening now in the theater . Its happening. I dont know, you could lie to me, because were not allowed in. Someone should really check on my petting zoo down there. I havent fed the animals in about eight months. Im a big star. I have a petting zoo. Of course, while were celebrating 1,000, we wont know the real number of shows till theyve done the complete hand recount in georgia. Speaking of which, were on day six of the current president not admitting hes the soon to be ex president. Ill give you all the deets in my latest installment of im a Dick Dick Dick dick tater. The road from the white house stephen those are the actual lyrics to the song. Heres some interesting factutainment no matter how much he screams about it, no one believes the president s claims of victory. Not even the president. Because aides say he has no real plan to overturn the results. Same way he defeated covid. In fact, the president is so sure he lost that he is talking privately about running again in 2024. Whaaa . He is going to be so old by then forget descending an escalator. Hell have to make his announcement from a staircase chair lift. I mean, the guy is 74 now. By 2024, hell be 78 which is exactly. The right age for a president. Its just a number, joe you go get em, buddy drink that ensure are they a sponsor . Theyvet got to be. Its cbs. You kidding . Its all walkin bathtubs around here. Right . laughter according to a reuters ipsosfactos postelection poll, nearly 80 of americans recognize biden as the winner. Do you know how hard it is to get 80 of americans to agree on anything that isnt smothered in melted cheese . Even worse for the president , and better for democracy, only 3 said he won, compared to 5 who say they do not know who won. So its official president doofus troofus has just slightly less support than i dunno. 3 believe he won. Whats the margin of error for that poll . 5 . Stephen it is possible only negative 2 of americans believe he won. Of course, that negative 2 would be eric and donald. Apparently, joe biden has yet to receive a president ial daily briefing, and its unclear whether his team will have access to classified information. Well, sure, if biden wants access to classified National Security intel, hes got to go through the proper channels and buy a membership at maralago. But it gets dumber. The state department is preventing biden from accessing messages from foreign leaders, so many of them have reached out to former obamaera diplomats for their assistance on how to send congratulatory messages to bidens team. They sound desperate. In fact, the president of iraq had to resort to edible arrangement. But of all the intransigent people in the white house, the intransigentest might be National Security adviser and man who shops at the sunglass putz, robert obrien. Obrien has told his staff, dont even mention bidens name. Oh, so the president elect is he who must not be named . Hes lord oldemort still seems nice. He still seems nice. Seems like no one around the president has the nerve to tell him he lost. One g. O. P. Source said, its like dealing with a lunatic on the subway. Everyone just kind of sits and stares ahead, pretends they cant hear him, and waits for him to eventually get off. Ive got bad news just because a lunatic on the subway gets off doesnt mean hell leave the train. We cut the music on that one. Okay. Despite clinging to the job desperately, hes not actually doing it. The last intelligence briefing on the president s schedule was for october 2. He really should take the briefings because im sure theyre full of valuable information. For instance, he might find out that the u. S. Elected a new president. What has the president been doing with his time instead . Well, he has been watching even more tv than usual in recent weeks. More . How . Did he move the resolute desk to a best buy . The president s allergy to reality is hitting epic new heights, because the white house is still telling federal agencies to proceed with plans for his february budget. Now that is some industrialstrength denial. At a certain point, even norman bates was like im starting to think my moms not doing great. If the president s behavior seems familiar, thats because youve seen it in a failed state near you. Refusing to accept the results of a free and Fair Election are antidemocratic tactics employed by leaders like robert mugabe, nicolaas maduro, and slobodan milosevic. Thats right. Weve got our own homegrown slobodon mypillows bleep . Around the world, autocrats are watching. One expert on Eastern Europe told reporters, the president s refusal to concede would create a new model for likeminded populists in europe. Well, thats convenient timing. Because im pretty sure hes going to start looking for a new model from Eastern Europe. The president might not have a plan, but hes still asking supporters to donate to his official election defense fund. And hes not being subtle about it. On the website, the buttons are dancing for cash. Oh, thats it shake your little moneytaker the buttons real name is ginger, and its just dancing until it can get its masters in marine biology. Champagne rooms extra. And there are perks so ive heard. And there are perks. For a donation of 2,800, you can join the first family circle. Thats got to be so tempting for eric. as eric please let me in ill get the money i just have to sell my beautiful hair. According to the website, at least half of each donation will go to paying off the campaigns debts. One last grift for the road. Before he finally leaves, someone better check under his maga hat for white house silverware. It gets worse. Reportedly, before any money goes to finance election challenges, a donor would have to give more than 8,000. as eric dad, thats too much i tried to have a garage sale, but no one wanted to buy my garage and im all out of hair i shaved everywhere im like an eel im like an eel im not sure if thats an accurate depiction of eric right now, but emotionally, it seems true. Heres how the scam works. If a donor gives 500, 200 would go to the r. N. C. , while 300 will go to the president s newlyformed save america pac. Not sure what save america pac is going to do with the money, but the president has a lot of debt and their Mailing Address is greasestained paper bag under park bench in dupont circle, make sure you werent followed, u. S. A. No matter what the president does, its pretty clear that the entire first family will not be going quietly several g. O. P. Sources are telling cnn that the president eldest son donald trump jr. , and his girlfriend, kimberley guilfoyle, are right now making moves to expand their influence in the r. N. C. , possibly take it over. Stephen don, jr. And guilfoyle are said to be angry at current r. N. C. Chair Ronna Mcdaniel, seen here right after pushing a barista off a cliff for not adding enough foam, who they view as not having done enough to win a close race. So the president definitely won, but its her fault he didnt . It reminds me of that stirring rock anthem we are the champions my friends and well keep on fighting because we lost stephen perhaps more importantly, according to one adviser, d. J. T. J. And kim have had a great time in politics, and they dont want the ride to end. Don jr just loves being on the road. Or really anywhere there are little white lines. Kim and don are already shaking up the r. N. C. s tactics. At a fundraiser in december, guilfoyle reportedly offered to give a lap dance to the person who donated the most money. In other words. The breast is yet to come stephen but jr. s dreams may have been dashed because last night, the president endorsed Ronna Mcdaniel for another term as r. N. C. Chair. Ooh thats got to smart for don jr. On the upside, thats the first time smart and don jr. Have been in a sentence together. Regardless of whats going on in the white house, bidens already putting the wheels in motion. Hes named a Transition Team including people like kiran ahujcha, michelle howard, chris lu, pamela melroy, kevin washburn, and geovette washington. Do you have any idea who those people are . Neither do i, and i love it not one of them has an infomercial, or a sports blog, or is related to joe biden. I cant wait to never buy a pillow from any of them yesterday, biden announced his chief of staff. Its veteran democratic advisor and kid who wont let you cheat off his homework but will tutor you for free, ron klain. Klain was bidens chief of staff when he was Vice President , and, according to washington insiders, this hiring is an early signal that biden intends to rely heavily on experience, competence and political agility after this presidency. After four years of getting our dental work done by the earpiercing teen at claires americas ready to try a dentist. Though well still be spitting out plastic rhinestones for years. Klain has an impressive resume. Klain klain klain with the cabinet dont you dare cut that. Maybe cut that. Well see. Klain has an impressive resume. During the obama administration, he served as the ebola tsar. Yes, remember the deadly ebola pandemic that claimed over 200,000 american lives . No. You dont because it didnt happen thanks to ron the main klain i dont know what to call him yet. Ron is dryklain only thats not it. Well find it. Thats not it because ron the man klan doesnt sound right at all. Well find it or we on the. Klain put a statement about his new position, saying he looks forward to working with the president and Vice President elect to assemble a talented and diverse team to work in the white house, as we tackle their ambitious agenda for change. Mmmm. Yeah. Oh, you sexy, sexy, boring man. No slurs, no lies. He just whips out his bulging binder and makes us randy for the blandy. I cant wait to see your staff, chief. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Michael moore is here. Stick around whoo shake it whoo shake it, ron hey bae, its the holidays got the whole fam rockin jingle jammays our 18th time watchin love actuallay we gon have the best holiday here at old navay shop jingle jammies from head to toe to tail. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase every day. Objection my credit card doesnt earn double miles on every purchase. I object to your objection with the capital one venture card, you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase. And may it please the court, earn 100,000 bonus miles when you spend 20,000 dollars in your first year. Ill allow it. No further questions, your honor. Well, just one. Whats in your wallet . ® visibly fades the dark spots away. New neutrogena® rapid tone repair 20 percent pure vitamin c. A serum so powerful dark spots dont stand a chance. See what i mean . Neutrogena® shall i put her in snow mode . Nope what about offroad mode . Nah. Sport mode it is. Lets see what this baby can do. Or. We could check out that Farmers Market . No you know what . Ill be in chill mode. button click if anyone needs me. Propilot assist with navilink. Available on the allnew nissan rogue. vo command hooks are easy to apply and remove cleanly so you can go all out this holiday. Command. Do. No harm. Can i get a quarter pounder with cheese . Make that two . Thank you. Aye but i thought you said. But you got two. Mmhm. Get it at mcdonalds when you buy one of your faves and get another for just a dollar. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back lets say hello to mr. Jon batiste jon, congratulations on a thousand shows jon nah, nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah stephen i know youre clapping right and im not. Seems like just yesterday i met you at the old gig over on 53rd street. Jon yeah, 53rd and 11th. Stephen we danced out on the streets and i thought, i could spend a lot of time with that guy and i loved it. Thank you, jon. Jon i love it, too. Its been great, and, you know, lets get to a thousand more. Lets hit it, pow stephen sounds good. But lets get backing to first. Do you have any music in your fingers that might celebrated a thou . Jon da, da da da da da stephen anything else . Stephen jon batiste, everybody thank you, jon jon yes, indeed have a good one. Stephen you, too. My guest tonight is an Academy Awardwinning filmmaker you know from roger and me, bowling for columbine, and fahrenheit 9 11. Please welcome back to a late show, Michael Moore hello, michael, nice to have you back. Hello, stephen. Its great to be back. Stephen how were you feeling . You were one of the few people in 2016 who sent up a signal flare saying, hey, guys, trump could really win this one, prepare yourself for this. Right. Stephen 2020, bidens lead5e hes on track to go to 306 in the electoral college. Do you think biden can pull this one out, michael . laughing hes already pulled it out. Yes, we all feel great about that. But what we are on guard for is the fact that trump is, once again, not dealing with reality, and i never take anything for granted whent it comes to him, when he can pull off what hes up to, who hes firing, who hes replacing, the head of the Defense Department with a guy that tripped going up the steps to have the pentagon. All of up the steps of the pentagon. I think people are justifiably nerves about getting through these next 69 days or so. Stephen lets concentrate on the positive for a moment. Yes. Stephen youre a proud michigander. Yes. Stephen how do you feel your state, right now bidens lead is ten times larger than what trump won the state by in 2016. How does it feel to see your state flip back . Really good. Stephen let me write that down. Michael moore said really good. Thats very rare. Well, the embarrassment of these last four years, every time i hear michigan being called a red state, to remove the Scarlet Letter last week felt good, i think, amongst many of the people i know in michigan. So, yes, we did something really important as did the people in wisconsin and pennsylvania. Stephen what made the difference, you think, this time . Well, four years of an Insane Person in the white house, i mean, that had a lot to do with it. And i think, too, the black community was pretty much ignored four years ago, and, remember, these are majority black cities flint, pontiac and 83 counties in michigan, biden won 11 of them, yet won the state by that large margin because up the i75 corridor, all these majority black cities came out in huge numbers for him and the College Towns of ann arbor and east lansing, huge numbers, so the youth vote, black vote, thats what really made the difference this year. Stephen what do people who arent from michigan not understand about this state because, yes, you have this victory by biden there, you have a large urban black population. Tell me about the guys who pretend to be in the army with the camo and say theyre militia and think theyre going to kidnap the governor. Tell me about that michigan. Yeah, i went to high school with them. I know them. Stephen everybody went to high school with them. But whats the motivation . I mean, seriously, though, Terry Nichols with Timothy Mcveigh who blew up the Oklahoma City Federal Building graduated the same year i did in the high school next to mine where i went to high school. No, so ive known all these guys for a long time. Again, i think theyre just a lot of bluster. They were demonstrating with their guns at the State Capitol this year because they were upset that the gyms and the nail salons were closed, and i was, like, well, good maybe theres progress being made here. But i think that, yes, listen, 70 millionplus people voted for trump so, clearly, we know the country we live in, the problems arent necessarily going to go away. The bigotry, the misogyny and all these things, well still have to work with people and maybe their kids will go to school, theyll read books, and the next generation will be better. Stephen we have to take a quick break but stick around, well be back with more Michael Moore. My finger is on the button push the button the time has come to galvanize so this aveeno® moisturizer goes beyond just soothing sensitive skin . Exactly jen calm restore oat gel is formulated with prebiotic oat. And strengthens skins moisture barrier. Uh i love it aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. ™ getwith contactlessour list, shopping at target. From same day delivery to free drive up. Quick and easy contactless shopping all season at target. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Stephen hey, everybody. Were back here with Michael Moore. Now, youve made documentaries over the last four years, but if you were going to look back and make a documentary about the last four years in america, about the sweep of it, what would you say the lesson or the themes you would take from the last four years of this presidency . First, i would not make that film, in part because who would want to watch a film that showed you the last four years . We just lived through it. The worst thing i could do to people is show them the last four years. For that reason alone, the idea is out, but your question is a good one. Stephen thank you. What if we learned . And i think the thing thats been the fact that we as americans would allow a situation so many situations, actually to exist, whether its