I win taffyland comes with a 231yearold rule book that is the foundation of the game, which you can interpret any way you want. Its my turn. Where are the dice . You cant feed the dice to the dog. Who says . Ill see you in court taffyland stop the game edition because playing by the rules is a lesson you never have to learn announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, keep calm and count on. Plus, stephen welcomes Larry Wilmore and musical guest Laura Benanti. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Im here with my friends mark and chris. Scotts over there. Evies right over there. Were taping this just a little while after donald trump walked into the White House Briefing room, actually, and tried to poison american democracy. Thats why im not sitting down yet. I just dont feel like it yet. Thats also why im dressed for a funeral. Because donald trump tried really hard to kill something tonight. Around was it 7 00 . Around 7 00, the president came out into the White House Briefing room and lied for 15 minutes. Just nonsensical stuff about illegal vote dumps and. Corrupt Election Officials and secret democratic counting cabals and, i dont know, longform birth certificates, probably. Its all the same. And if you did not know that joe biden was getting close to 270, donald trump just provided all the proof you will ever need. True story im wearing black tonight, because i was getting dressed this afternoon and i thought, he might try some shenanigans and it might be fitting to tell jokes while wearing something somber, if he goes down that dark path. And, im no prophet. Its just that, hes so predictable for weeks, weve been talking about how thered be a red mirage, and how all those outstanding biden mailin ballots might let joe catch up. And that trump would then probably come out round, i dont know, thursday, maybe evening news time, and pretend that he won and accuse everybody of cheating. The guy doesnt have another gear. Get a new act i mean, he said this stuff back in 2016 i will totally accept the results of this great and historic president ial election. If i win. Stephen so, we all knew he would do this. What i didnt know is that it would hurt so much. I didnt expect this to break my heart. For him to cast a dark shadow on our most sacred right. From the Briefing Room in the white house our house, not his that is devastating. This is heartbreaking for the same reason that i didnt want him to get covid, certainly why i wanted him to survive because he is the president of the united states. That office means something, and that office should have some shred of decency. Now, we always knew he would leave a stain there and not just from his butt bronzer because everything he did everything is now in some way president ial behavior. Including this. Unless unless every Single Person rejects what he just did. And that means, for all the predictable behavior of the last few days, and the last four years, right now something unpredictable needs to happen republicans have to speak up all of them. Because, for evil to succeed, all that is necessary is for good men to do nothing. So Say Something right now, republicans. Not later, not after youve stuck your finger up in the wind or wherever you want to put it. Right now. Its in your best interest. You only survived this up till now because a lot of voters didnt want to believe everything that was obvious to so many of us that donald trump is a fascist. And when it comes to democracy versus fascism, im sorry, there are not fine people on both sides. So you need to choose donald trump or the American People . This is the time to get off the trump train. Because he just told you where the train is going, and its not a passenger train, but hell load you on it someday, too. Now, in the absence of good men, what about Mitch Mcconell . Has he said anything . What does he say . He declined to comment. Stephen he declined to comment . laughs okay, Mitch Mcconnell has declined to comment. The maxim of the law is qui tacet consentire. Who is silent, gives consent. So, mitch, we heard you loud and clear. Youre okay with this. Its not even a hard call. This is in your selfinterest to support votes being counted. Thats how you got your jobs. But i guess Mitch Mcconnell is saying he was reelected through fraudulent votes as well . And hes holding onto the senate because of fraudulent elections in other states, and republicans picked up seats in the house because of fraudulent elections . So, cast them all out . Is that what your silence is saying, Mitch Mcconnell . Because americans are going to count something else, starting right now. They are going to count who is willing to speak up against doald trump trying to kill democracy, and they will count who will stay silent in the face of this desperate attack on the Bedrock Institution of this truly great nation. Because he just attacked the thing that makes us most great, and its time for you all to mean what your hats have been yelling. By the way, if donald trump is right and joe biden did pull the strings behind the scenes in republican states like ariona and georgia, while coordinating with democratic states like pennsylvania and nevada, and wisconsin and michigan, and throwing in the red herring of letting the republicans keep the senate and gain a few seats in the house, while just barely removing donald trump . explosion wow i mean, kudos to that level of interstate coordination i mean, anyone who could accomplish that many things at once, right now, really would be the president we need during a global pandemic. This is when i really wish i could swear. But ill say this were not going to show you a second of what that sad, frightened fraud said tonight. Because it is poison, and i like you. He can suck silence. He can also suck my frosted yumnut. That reference is going to make sense later. Stay with me. And instead, i want to show you someone doing the right thing. This happened yesterday in nevada. As i mentioned, we are not prepared to give that number the Biden Crime Familys stealing the election the medias covering up the Biden Crime Familys stealing this election the medias covering up the Biden Crime Familys stealing the election the medias covering up we want our freedom from the world give us our freedom, Joe Biden Joe bidens covering up this election. Hes stealing it where were we . What was the last question . laughter stephen that guy out in front of the mics is joe gloria, the registrar of clark county, nevada. He let that guy spew his crazy till he was tired, and then watched him walk away, and then joe gloria took a deep breath, and did his job. Which is what we should all do. Just stay cool. Okay, now lets do the monologue. Biden crime family, Biden Crime Family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. heavy breathing thats all i got. laughter stephen okay, where were we . Even before il douchie lumbered to the podium tonight, america was experiencing some highly refined, weaponsgrade anxiety because, while things were looking good for biden, as of 8 30 p. M. , the race remains on a razors edge. So, not only is this stressful, its irresponsible. America should be nowhere near sharp objects right now. They should also take away our shoelaces and our belt. Now a reminder to win the presidency, a candidate needs 270 electoral votes. As i record tonights zoetrope, biden has 253. Biden is so close to victory, he can smell its hair. One key state out there is arizona. Biden is ahead. In fact, several news organizations already called the state for him. The trump folks still insist they have a chance, which may be true, but even republican friendly estimates say that trump has a steep uphill battle to close the gap. And the only thing more challenging than a steep uphill battle for donald trump would be a steep downhill waddle. Then theres nevada, next door, where bidens ahead, but not by much. He currently leads by about 12,000 votes, with the majority of the votes left from the las vegas area. But its no surprise that trump didnt take vegas. Whenever trump is near a casino, he loses everything. Another state were waiting on is georgia, which awards 16 electoral votes. Now its a tossup. And per the Georgia State constitution, their election cannot be ultimately decided until all mailin votes are tabulated, and one of the candidates has defeated the devil in a fiddle contest. laughter but the key race is in the keystone state, pennsylvania. Bidens home state. Right now, trump leads, but as they count the mailin ballots, biden is rapidly closing the gap. If biden wins, hell receive an electiondeciding 20 electoral votes. And per the pennsylvania constitution, that is one for every car theyll flip over in philly, no matter who wins. But no surprise, trump is already claiming he won pennsylvania, among other states, tweeting, we have claimed, for electoral vote purposes, the commonwealth of pennsylvania which wont allow legal observers the state of georgia, and the state of north carolina, each one of which has a big trump lead. Additionally, we hereby claimly the state of michigan if, in fact, there was a large number of secretly dumped ballots as has been widely reported you cant make something official just by using fancy sounding words like hereby for electoral vote purposes, i forthwith, herefore, hitherto, and twobyfour, call the last chocolate donut. My lawyers are coming in to lick it. Speaking of lawyers who can lick it, yesterday, trump sent a specialops team to philadelphia second first son and man getting dumped over zoom, eric trump, and attorney to the president and man asking a rat if hes going to finish that cockroach, rudy giuliani. And eric revealed the Trump Campaigns master plan we are going to file suit in pennsylvania. Its a shame that we have to do that. Its the last thing that we wanted to do, its the last thing my father wanted to do. Stephen technically, the last thing your father wanted do is go to your birthday party. But, if this was the last thing he wanted to do, why was it the first thing he said . Were going to go in, the night of, as soon as that elections over, were going in with our lawyers. Stephen and since your lawyer is rudy, i assume by going in, you mean to prison . Then, rudy got testy. The ultimate result is, President Trump has won pennsylvania. Ive never heard of a count where youre ahead by 400,000 with 80 plus counted and they havent called it for you yet. Do you think were stupid . Do you think were fools . Stephen is that a trick question . Because. Yes . I mean, rudy, you buttdialed reporters twice you voluntarily appeared on a Television Show that i executive produce that is anchored by cartoons. Twice you were duped by sacha baron cohen, once i think it might be twice, because judging by your lower teeth, your dentist trained in kazakhstan as a veterinarian. Trump needs help anywhere he can get it, including divine intervention. And he has the support of his spiritual adviser and Real Estate Agent saying, before we go upstairs, you should know that the previous owner had a just a little murder problem. Watch where you step, paula white. To support the president , yesterday, paula led a marathon Prayer Service in orlando, and she was feeling the spirit. Strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike until you have victory. I hear a sound of shouting and singing, i hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain, i hear a sound of victory. Victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory. Stephen dont you hate it when your preacher starts skipping . Tell you what, try wiping her off with a clean, damp cloth, or unplug her and plug her back in. White also summoned some very special poll watchers. Angels are being released right now, angels are being dispatched right now. Angels have even been dispatched from africa right now, africa right now, africa right now, from africa right now. Theyre coming here. Theyre coming here. In the name of jesus, from south america theyre coming here. Stephen hold on trumps asking for election interference from foreign angels . Thats clearly committing collusion in broad daylight rudy, help me out do you think were stupid . Do you think were fools . Stephen and what is the deal with the guy who keeps passing through the shot behind her . laughter is that her roommate, Walking Around with a rolledup new yorker . Yeah, hey, dont mind me. You just keep going with your work thing. But id stay out of the bathroom for a while. Lets just say, more than angels just dropped in. laughter at one point, she started speaking in tongues. speaking in tongues stephen all right. Maybe its me, maybe im a connoisseur of the mystical, but those arent very impressive tongues. It sounds like shes on level two of duolingo holy spirit edition. Of course, like king david, whites message to the lord can only be fully appreciated in song. singing in tongues i hear a sound of victory. Strike. I hear a sound of victory. singing in tongues and strike, strike, strike, and strike, and strike. And strike, and strike. The Biden Crime Family is stealing this election speaking in tongues the medias covering it up covering it up speaking in tongues the Biden Crime Family is stealing this election and strike, and strike. We want our freedom from the world until you have victory. Where were we . laughter stephen okay, so thats the monologue, that we had planned on. And when we come back, you might notice that my emotional tone might have simmered down a bit, because we recorded what comes next before this. But im going to tell you right now, its a fantastic show youre going to want to stick around. Tonight, Larry Wilmore is here. And when we come back, its an amazing meanwhile its got the whole yumnut thing in it. Youre going to want to know what i meant. Stick around. [sfx spilling sounds] we undeniable finally, a mopping cloth that kills 99. 9 percent of germs. From clorox. Family time turns flan brings abuela closer. And a good deal means a great deal. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Hi jen hi. So youre the scientist here. Does my aveeno® daily moisturizer really make my dry skin healthier in one day . Its true jen. Really . this prebiotic oat formula moisturizes to help prevent dry skin. Impressive aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. This is the feeling of total protection now that we protect your identity, and mobile phone, as well as auto home and life youve never been in better hands allstate click or call for a quote today push the button the time has come to galvanize when panhe doesnt justs mmake a pizza. He uses fresh, clean ingredients to make a masterpiece. Taste our delicious new flatbread pizzas today. Panera. Theres no bad time to start at amazon. I like the flexibility. It also allows for picking up shifts. Safety comes first, speed comes second. Safety. Safety. Safety. Were making sure that somebody is getting their very important items. It makes me very happy. Natures bounty is here for you. Ready to take your immune support to the next level . The number one herbal supplement brand has everything you need to help keep your immune system strong. Immune support comes naturally with natures bounty. Stephen you know, ladies and gentlemen, i spend a lot of time framing the most informative panoramic shots, awaiting the topical golden hour to capture the most breathtaking story vistas, and assembling it all into the David Attenborough narrated news documentary that is my monologue. But once in a while, i grab an old camcorder, a sixpack of natty ice, and run around the woods halfnaked and hammered to create the blurry, foundfootage sasquatch video of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, another restaurant chain is reorganizing due to the pandemic. Friendlys has filed for bankruptcy. So for the time being, friendlys will be known as sorry i snapped at you, im going through a rough patchlys. Quarantinewhile, Disney Research just unveiled a skinless humanoid robot with creepy lifelike eyes. Jimmy, can we see it . Oh god oh, wait, im sorry, thats the new c. E. O. Of disney, bob chaypek. Can we can we look for the robot photo . Can we find that . Okay. In the meantime, disney engineers say theyre working toward the development of a system for lifelike gaze, because people who make more eye contact with us are perceived to be similar to us, as well as more intelligent, conscientious, sincere, and trustworthy. All right, do we have it . Okay, great. Lets have a look at this robot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, uhhuh. Im definitely im definitely getting similar to me and trustworthy vibes. laughter and im sure if we were on a mars mission together, i would trust this thing to not bite out my throat and shove my corpse out the airlock. I dont know where commander colbert is. Why would you ask me . Im just a sincere, trustworthy robot who is similar to you. Come, let us look for him. In the airlock. laughter quarantinewhile, british high end store marks and spenser has created this specialty pastry for the holidays. Which is great. Whats not so great . They announced it by tweeting who wants a bite of santas yumnut . laughter that exact phrase has gotten many people fired at their Office Christmas party. Also evie laughing would you care for a bite of santas yumnut, darling . What . Shes my wife its still in the workplace. Stephen its still in the workplace. Okay, its still i