Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 11, 2024

Its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes jake tapper. And musical guest benny featuring jon battiste and stay hohmann. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater, its stephen colbert. Stephen welcome, welcome one and all to a late show and puppet theater. Im your host stephen colbert, that will make sense later. Now i hope you all had a good weekend, not that i am conceding that there was a weekend, that is for the courts to decide, the coronavirus continues to surge across the country, and ill tell you the latest in my viral segments catch a third wave endless bummer. Hot blooded, check it and see. Youll have a fever of a 103 haha, yeah stephen get out, get out. Stephen the bad is getting worse. This week alone, the u. S. Added one million new coronavirus cases. But top maga scientists have a solution stop the count stop the count stop the count stephen and the worst part is, this might not be the worst, because the holidays are approaching. As one hospital director warned christmas and new years eve parties could lead to a giant, intergenerational cluster. Normally if you want to see a giant intergenerational cluster, you have to ask santa for pornhub premium. So ive heard. Local officials are scrambling to stop the spread. Los angeles mayor Eric Garcetti issued a statement, telling citizens, cancel those vacation plans right now. Do not sneak in other households for thanksgiving. Im gonna go ahead and say that second thing is just good advice under any circumstances. Theres a reason you dont hear this around the holiday table; oh, my turn . Uh, i guess im thankful that you left the basement door unlocked. Thankfully, theres advice from people who know stuff. For instance, the c. D. C. Is suggesting americans have thanksgiving outside. Okay, late november could get little nippy. So instead of a turkey i recommend serving each guest two cornish game hens, one for each hand. Now once you are outside, the cdc has plenty of additional safety recommendations such as use disposable items. Like utensils. Im sorry, why . Do other people share their silverware at thanksgiving. Nana could you pass the peas, also your fork, these carrots arent the same without the sweet zing of fixodent. I dont understand that at all. I dont. Cdc also recommends bring your own food. So just tell your aunt you cant have any of her hot fruit casserole this year because it is dr. Faucis orders, no other reason, i love hot fruit. They also advise using single use options like salad dressings and condiment packets. I knew tra drew i knew that drawer of condiment packets would come in handy. Uncle carl, heres your mashed potatoes and a packet of teriyaki sauce from 1997. Its got a picture of frasier on it. Remember frasier days at Panda Express . So, how did things get so bad with covid . Well, for starters, theres a complete vacuum of leadership, and not just because the president sucks. It turns out he has not attended a Coronavirus Taskforce meeting in at least five months. Okay, s its november 16, five months ago was june 16. Im sorry, what was the name of the oped that the head of the Coronavirus Task force mike pence wrote in the wall street journal . There isnt a coronavirus second wave. No, just one giant tsunami of criminal stupidity. Dr. Fauci tried to explain that dr. Fauci, excuse me, oh, that joke backed up on me. Dr. Fauci tried to explain that the president is still getting vital information, kind of sort of. When we have a task when we have our taskforce meeting, its run, as you know, by Vice President pence. And the Vice President then translates that to the president himself. Stephen god, i would love to be a fly on the wall, or on the pence, when he tried to translate this information. as pence mr. President , this is dr. Badnews burger. He has some information to share with you. silly voice this is americas darkest hour huhohoh im delicious. Stephen we might need this again. That was the toughest part. Thankfully there is some good covid news. This moreming, pharmaceutical giant moderna announced that according to preliminary results their Coronavirus Vaccine is 94. 5 percent effective. The good news is there are at least two covid vaccines on the horizon. The bad news is the president may not let every american have them. Here is what he said on friday. As soon as april the as soon as april, the vaccine will be available to the entire general population, with the exception of places like new york state. Stephen so youll have to get the vaccine in new jersey, but just pick it up on your way back from getting your new legal weed, which preliminary tests show is 94. 5 dank. So the president is threatening to withhold a lifesaving vaccine from his home state, but dont worry, he has a good reason Governor Cuomo hurt his feelings. For political reasons, the governor decided, they say and, you know, i dont think its good, politically; i think its very bad from a health standpoint but he wants to take his time with the vaccine. He doesnt trust where the vaccine is coming from. Stephen what the governor actually said is that new york, like california, nevada, oregon, and washington, wants to verify the findings. For some reason, cuomo doesnt automatically trust the guy who told us to drink bleach and jam sunshine up our butts. Speaking of which, its been almost two weeks since the election, and the president still cant face that he lost. And ill give you the latest in tonights edition of our segment that just wont leave you voted for me you voted for me you voted for me you voted for me the road from the white house. You voted for me stephen well, in a stunning result the peach state georgia has finally been called macking the ultimate tally in the Electoral College biden winning with 306 to 2326789 coincidentally, the exact same number of electoral votes as 20167. So, how would you describe that final result . We won by a landslide. A landslide. A landslide. A landslide. A landslide. A tremendous landslide. Stephen and the landslide brought you down laughs i also had sex with that is right up there without is the guitar christie mcvee. Sorry linds see buckingham i had something w it was very dark, it was very dark, all i know is Muk Fleetwood can keep time, man. Biden, biden flipped five starts, georgia, orazietti arizona, michigan, pennsylvania and wisconsin, joe flipped states in the sun belt and the rust belt. I guess there is nothing suburban women like more than a reversible belt. Faced with the overwhelming what t faced with the overwhelming what actually happened, yesterday, the now lameduck president quacked, of joe biden, he won because the election was rigged. You had me at he won. The rest of it i just kind of got all warm and dreamy for. But then, the denierinchief declared backsies, tweeting, i won the election that is the digital equivalent of waking up to find grandpa screaming on the lawn. Screaming on the lawn in his underwear. You cant give a standard mental cognition test because the first question is who is the president. Now regardless of what the soon to be not president tweets, the election is over and there should be no doubt about the security and fairness of the voting in fact federal and State Government officials issued a joint statement thursday saying that this years election was the most secure in american history. Kind of ironic kind of ironic, since it defeated the most insecure president in american history. But one member of the administration is coming to their senses National Security adviser and anderson stupor, robert obrien. Today, obrien dared to say this about a possible transition to a biden administration. We may have policy disagreements, but, look, if the bidenharris ticket is determined to be the winner and its obviously things look that way now well have a very professional transition from the National Security council, theres no question about it. Stephen no surprise that obrien is starting to ease the big man out of the white house. Before serving as National Security adviser, he was special president ial envoy for hostage affairs. So we know how this is going to end. Sir, leave the building now, and we will fulfill your list of demands legal immunity, a highly inaccurate bathroom scale, a bottomless bucket of k. F. C. , you get to meet the colonel, a letter from your dad saying that he loves you, a letter from the colonel saying that he loves you, and a second bottomless bucket of k. F. C. , and a second even faller skyscraper in new york with your name on it that also, if i am reading this right, has has think about this, meanwhile instead of arguing with a tolder, biden is calmly preparing to take the reigns of the government, unfortunately the government hasnt been Company Rating he had has been denied office space and din woman explaining why she will call the cops on this cookoutk emily murphy. Murphy was installed by the resident in 2017 and has remained a loyalist. Even though biden has an insurmountable lead murphy has so far refused to certified biden as the elections winner as the president attempts to overturn the Election Results in court. That coulter that court case is, of course, snowballs chance v. Hell. But murphy doesnt seem to think this administration will last much longer, because a new report says that she recently sent a message to an associate inquiring about Employment Opportunities in 2021. This is so unfair she wont let america move on, but shes searching for the next job . Well, she should find something suitable on enableamonster. Com. This weekend there was something called the million maga march, a protest in support of the president s false claim that he was cheated out of an election win. Now, the thing about the million maga march it wasnt quite a million. Instead, attendees numbered somewhere in the tens of thousands range. 10,000, a million, thats just how they count. You round up for marches, round down for covid deaths. Its all in their text book, basic arithmaga. One person clearly not in the pocket of big reality White House Press secretary and third sister from frozen who actually wanted the town to die, kayleigh mcenany. Mcenany tweeted, more than one million marchers for president descend on the swamp in support. So the administration ends as it began, lying about crowd size. Theyve come full circle. Thats just basic geommaga. Of course, they have the right to march. And its understandable to want to have one last maga. No matter who you are, its no fun to lose. And if youre having trouble hanging up your maga hat, here are some tips that might help you cope with your loss, from people who know how it feels and now a message to donald trump voters from hill rae clinton voters. So your candidate lost. Sorry. We know it feels terrible. We have been there. But you have got to move on. So however youre feeling, here are some coping tips that helped us get through the last four years. You have got to feel your feelings. We know it is embarrassing. So find a safe space like maybe a buffalo wild wings. Practice selfcare. Take a bubble bath. Maybe cry while you listen to whatever pandora plays when you search acoustic sad. I dont know how to feel. Practice direct action. Contact your government representatives. For best results dont threaten to kidnap them. Still crushed . Then its time to break out your blender. We recommend a bottle of bourbon and pint of fudge brownie ice cream to make what we call breakfast. Or if you are feeling really overwhelmed, just tweet any vague statement of hope followed by the hashtag resistance. We wont be needing it any more, snowflake. By the way, snowflakes are beautiful and unique. Not sure how it got turned into an insult. We dont mean it that way. So chib up. Well sigh you in four years. In the mean time, you can still drink from your liberal tears mug. Just remember now theyre tears of joy. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. My guest is jake tapper. But when we return ill tell you about a country that is almost as bad at handling covid as we are. Stuck around. A late y . Wow. Can we get some sun . Uh, mom . Can we go to the beach . beep beep beep should we just go see a movie . Yes im always up for a good movie. Go rogue in the allnew, fiercely reimagined nissan rogue. So this aveeno® moisturizer goes beyond just soothing sensitive skin . Exactly jen calm restore oat gel is formulated with prebiotic oat. And strengthens skins moisture barrier. Uh i love it aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. ™. Crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey. Ombine. Plump, juicy raisins. And tasty fiber. Into one delicious cereal . It took a lot of branstorming. Get it . Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Two scoops of delicious. So lets give this holiday thisall the merry weve got theres a place you can go where inspiration lines the shelves. For giving gifts so thoughtful, youll outdo the elves. You see here each present is especially nice. So theyll love what you got them, and youll love the price. If you want a christmas youll always remember, this is the place to spend less, and gift better. T. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. What oh, ooh oh yeah holidits christmas oh, ooh oh yeah Christmas Glade limited Edition Holiday collection sc johnson try natures bounty sleep 3 a unique tri layer supplement, that calms you helps you fall a sleep faster and stay a sleep longer. Great sleep comes naturally with sleep 3 only from natures bounty stephen i was just complimenting whoever was work on the desk wile i was away for the weekend because i got the bone here with my name on it. And there were some bone marks on the desk. Ang somebody cleaned the bone shaders off pie desk. It is very important. A lot of the newcomers in the late night world have to know, you have to clean all the bone shaders off your desk at the end of the week or it builds up, it builds up. Hey, everybody, with that bit of wisdom out of the way lets say hello to our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello jon batiste. Jon hello, stephen colbert, get the bone shaders away, come on. Stephen now jon, how was your weekend . Jon the weekend was blessed, i am glad to see a lot of things. I will say that. Stephen okay. For vision itself or just the things you are seeing in the world. Jon both. I think the things im seeing in the world are promising. And you know, its still a rough time but i think we are moving out of it. Im going to speak that into existence. Stephen good, good, throw it out there. Like an anchor, pull yourself toward it on the rope of your hope. Jon i like that. That is deech. Stephen jon batiste, everybody, thank you, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen so folks, if the president is listening to a task force and hes not, who is elise ening to. Enter coronavirus advisor and vitamin salesman explaining why this actually isnt a pyramid scheme, scott atlas. Unlike experts like dr. Fauci and dr. Birx, atlas plan is for americans to infect each other so much they achieve something called herd immunity. Herturd because there is a bile pile of beul beep bleep. A lot of people die under the scenario of he are, d immunity, unlike dr. Fauci and dr. Birx, is he not an imnol guest, is he a neuroradiologist that does not have a background in Infectious Diseases or epidemiology an hasnt practiced medicine in nearly a decade. Call me a dreamer but slunt the person called to lead in the pandemic be an expert in i dont know, a pandemic. If my laptop breaks i take it to the genius bar, not to a semiretired podiatrist. So where did this guy come from. Well, the president brought atlas aboard largely due to his frequent fox news appearances in which he downplayed the virus. So he is an awful, awful pick for medical advisor. But slightly better than the president s second choice from fox news dr. Walkin bathtub. Atlas has been doing what any responsible physician does during a pandemic. Inciting violence in response to new lockdown measures in michigan, atlas tweeted the only way this stops is if people rise up. No, the only way this stops is if people stay home. That is like saying the only way to stop the war on drugs is if people do all the drugs. Then there will be no more drugs left. Remember kids, just say blow. But atlas denied trying to start anything tweeting hey, i was never talking at all about violence. Never would i endorse or incite violence. Never, yes, he doesnt want people to die from violence. He just wants people to die. One place that resisted lockdown and gave hrksz erd immunity a whirl is sweden. They have been seen as sort of the experimental country for all of this. I will tell you regardless of what atlas says, the results have not been good, sweden per capita death rate from the coronavirus is one of the highest in the world. That makes sense, after all death death is swedish. Well, this weekend there was a big announcement from swedens chief epidimiologist anders headmel seen here on the back jacket of a crime novel that will be turned into a mini series. In light of a huge fight in hovmentizations he admitted that swedens let them catch it policy didnt do much to increase National Immunity adding we see Community Spread in many regions simultaneously right now. Which the swedish government explained in this helpful psa. Covid19, no vaccine. Go back to quarantine. Stephen you got to land it, admitting your Public Health policy did not work takes some brass lingonberry. I want to say we should not be taking medical advice from sweden as atlas seems to be doing. They seem smart but they are mostly just blond and tall. I want to make a list right now, i will take sweden to task for the number of things that they have shanked. Let me get ready for it. Hold on. Here we go. I want to point out when i put this on. Originally in this bit i was going to be swedish with the accent and everything. And then i changed it to be just yelling in sweden and decided to keep the outfit cuz its dumb, its do i look dumb . No, sir. No. Thank you, mark. Here say number of things that sweden has shanked, number one pickled herring. We have had refrigeration for a hundred years, stop it. Okay. Here is another one maybe the Structural Integrity of all the furniture from home shouldnt depend on wooden dowell age allen wrench. The swedish bikini team, should not be funded by the swedish government. I dont even think bikini is an olympic sport, hey swedes you need to explain why the oldest surviving english language poem beowo

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