Binging the queens gambit. But now, all thats left is to eat a tub of frosting, because when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. But when life gives you a Global Pandemic that just wont end, you eat a bucket of frosting. Mmmm what pandemic . Cinnabon frosting give up. Upon announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight the devils advocate. Plus, stephen welcomes formula one champion Lewis Hamilton and musical guest Andrea Bocelli featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody good to see you. Welcome to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Evy is here tonight. Thats always a good show. Thats always a lot of fun. Thank you for being here, 3450eu darling. My pleasure stephen its two weeks to the day since the election, and im beginning to breathe easier. Its like ive had a weight on my chest. Doctors say it was 239 pounds, but it felt heavier. Anyway, im feeling good. But down in d. C. , the president is slowly, agonizingly going through the five stages of narcissist grief denial, denial, denial, denial, denial, and denial. I know thats six, but rudy is demanding a recount. Ill catch you up on the latest in tonights edition of my unfortunately ongoing segment na na na hey hey i wont leave the road from the white house. Tell them what theyve won stephen rather than finally facing reality, according to advisers, the president is more dug into his position than he was at the beginning. This afternoon we learned this. Apparently, the president is considering cancelling his trip to maralago. Stephen well, history is famously kind to autocrats who lose and then retreat underground. While the commander in doof vows to fight on, reportedly, all of his people are despondent. Welcome to the club. I dont blame them. Do you have any idea how hard its going to be for them to get a job . Or a spitless burger . So far, the campaigns legal challenges are not going well. Since friday, cases challenging the Election Results have been dropped in arizona, michigan, georgia, wisconsin, and pennsylvania. To be clear, dropped. Those are withdrawn cases. They didnt even lose them. They prelost them. Its like coming in last in the indy 500 because you decided not to buy a car. laughter more importantly, the president was frustrated that his campaign lawyers were not appearing more frequently on television. He wants his claims of Election Fraud taken all the way to the highest court in the land hot bench to rectify this situation, the president has named Rudy Giuliani to head the legal team. As one Campaign Official noted, its really more of a publicrelations fight now than a legal one. Rudys perfect for this job, because i dont know about public relations, but hes an old hand at pubic relations. laughing rudys already getting all legal. In fact, today he appeared in the campaigns federal case in pennsylvania. Of course, he wasnt there alone. He was accompanied by his law partners, ernest and julio gallo. Things have gotten contentious behind the scenes. After the campaign dropped a lawsuit in arizona, on speakerphone, rudy called the Trump Campaign lawyers liars for telling the president his odds of changing the outcome of the election were slim. In response, one Campaign Official called rudy a quote bleep ass bleep . And the winner for nicest thing ever said about Rudy Giuliani is. Its that. Its that. Its that. laughing turns out, rudy has tried to wrestle power away from the current longstanding Campaign Leadership in an internal campaign coup. Wait, they are attempting a coup inside their coup . That is coupcoup that joke sent to us by little richie dahm, age eight. Thank you, richie. Youll be getting a copy of our home game. laughter and now a report says giulianis asking the president s campaign to cough up 20,000 a day for his legal work. But its worth every penny for expert legal argumentation like this and then you start doing ballots like this duhduhduhduhduhduh. Stephen duhduhduhduhduhduh. Thats either him counting ballots or trying to cold start his handcrank pacemaker. With their legal cases floundering, some republicans are encouraging other clearly undemocratic means to keep the president in office, like South Carolina senator and surgeon trying to remember which patient he left that scalpel in, Lindsey Graham. Turns out, georgias secretary of state Brad Raffensperger says graham and other republicans have pressured him to toss legal ballots. Well, they finally found some voter fraud and its always the last place you look in the mirror. According to raffensperger, senator graham was concerned that he wasnt disqualifying enough of georgias mailin ballots based on signatures that dont match the registration, so graham had a suggestion senator graham implied for us to audit the envelopes and then throw out the ballots for counties who had the highest frequency error of signatures. Stephen so, because some people have sloppy signatures, Lindsey Graham wants to throw out all of the votes from whole counties. Thats like saying, well, this door hinge is squeaky, th simplest thing is to just burn the house down. Graham denied making any uncomfortable demands of the secretary. I think thats just ridiculous. If he feels threatened by that conversation, hes got a problem. I actually thought it was a good conversation. Stephen in other words, it was an absolutely perfect phone call. Stephen but its not just graham. Raffensperger also said he and his wife, tricia, have received Death Threats in recent days. Obviously, that is sad and horrifying, but according to raffensperger, its also very disillusioning, particularly when it comes from people on my side of the aisle. Yeah, you expect threats from the other side, but it hurts so much more when it comes from the heavilyarmed yahoos whose unlimited gun rights youve been protecting your entire career. Raffensperger actually saved his harshest language for georgia representative douglas a. Collins, who is leading the president s efforts in georgia and who raffensperger has called a liar and a charlatan. Ooh, a charlatan watch out, collins soon hell call you a scallawag, a mountebank, a chisler, a lilywhacker, a rapscallion, a grumbletonian, a flimflammer, and a shibaroon. Theyre all in his new book 50 polite ways to call doug collins a dick. laughter its a bestsaler. Its a bestseller. But some republicans are starting to face facts, like florida senator and vice principal hoping someone will show up for zoom office hours, marco rubio. Rubio was asked about bidens potential choice for National Intelligence director, and he said this well, that will be the president elects decision, obviously. You just said president elect. Are you saying biden is the president elect now . Well, ultimately, thats what the results, the preliminary results seem to indicate. Stephen that is some weak acceptance of the inevitable. Id hate to see the g. O. P. Version of annie. The sunll come out tomorrow ultimately the preliminary results seem to indicate therell be sun just thinkin about, tomorrow the moon has the legal right tomorrow the moon has the legal right to pursue legal challenges til its done its a hard fraud case to back but we gotta smooch his crack laughter i started both of those slightly higher key than im comfortable with. Rubio you felt the emotion. Rubio isnt the only g. O. P. Official taking a baby step toward reality. So is idaho senator and latest puppet creation from the mind of jeff dunham, james risch. Risch admitted to reporters that biden won, adding, this is my second transition where we move from one Political Party to another in the white house. It is a change in the music that is playing in the background. We go from heavy metal to Classical Music in one fell swoop. Yes, goodbye to the president s heavy metal. The last song on his set list . Enter blandman. Woooooo yesterday, a reporter asked joe biden about the realworld cost of the president s obstruction, and the transition, and the president elect did not mince words what do you see as the biggest threat to your transition right now, given president trumps unprecedented attempt to obstruct and delay a smooth transfer of power . More people may die if we dont coordinate. Stephen were doomed i mean, is this a man who looks coordinated . But biden was optimistic were moving along knowing what the outcome will be. I find this more embarrassing for the country than debilitating for my ability to get started. Stephen oh, were way past embarrassment, joe. After a full term of this president , we could get our period in gym class, accidentally call the teacher mom, trip in the hallway in front of our crush, and still be like, yeah, better than the last four years. Lets move on to perhaps the biggest news of the day the Rockefeller CenterChristmas Tree has arrived in new york city okay, its cool, nbc. You guys have your own nationally recognized holiday icon. Meanwhile, nobody ever talks about the times square cbs cornucopia, even though it is overflowing with festive 60 minutes correspondents however, one citys christmas decoration did not go off exactly as planned, because the Christmas Tree in cincinnati went viral for embodying how we feel in 2020. Uh, okay, but im not sure i buy that. Christmas trees are cheerful and happy how could that possibly embody how everyone is yeah, okay. Yeah, thats me. Thats got the feels. That tree looks like it just went on its last march into isengard. So why does sad tree look sad . Well, Officials Say many of the branches are still tied with twine. Oh, yeah, its the twine. Can i start using that excuse, too . I know it may look like i havent exercised since march, but thats just the twine. You untwine me, and im harder than a hemsworth. Right, honey . Oh, absolutely. Stephen absolutely, thank you. After that initial picture went viral, cincinnati officials kept working on the tree and released this afterphoto awwww that spruce got all spruced up so it started out incredibly sad and pitiful, but somehow in early november, it turned things around and restored peoples hope . This tree really does embody 2020, especially in january, when we get to throw the whole thing in a woodchipper. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Formula one champion Lewis Hamilton is here. But when we come back, meanwhile join us. Hey bae, its the holidays got the whole fam rockin jingle jammays our 18th time watchin love actuallay we gon have the best holiday here at old navay shop jingle jammies from head to toe to tail. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com man 1 vo proof of less joint pain woman 1 oc this is my body of proof. And clearer skin. Man 2 vo proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis. Woman 2 vo . With humira. Woman 3 vo humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further irreversible joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. Humira is the number one prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. Avo humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Man 3 vo ask your rheumatologist about humira. Woman 4 vo go to humira. Com to see proof in action. Push the button the time has come to galvanize only at target. Its black friday now. This week save on electronics, family apparel, tvs and more. This week only, with new deals every week. Its black friday, now. At target. Youre con the clock,the go, and on your way. Hang on a second. Whats the rush . Know the speed limit, go the speed limit, and slow the fast down. Go safely, california. Take a quick break,ite, jump on a quick call. Next time you take a quick trip, how about this . Take a second, take your time, and slow the fast down. Go safely, california. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back lets say hello to our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon you gotta have a vision, a vision, a revelation. Stephen im having a vision, a revelation for monday. Do you know what i get to do monday, jon . Oh, my goodness, i heard. Stephen im going down to washington, d. C. , to interview this man mr. Barack obama about his new book a promise land. I got so many decisions o make. Obviously, what do you ask him . Thats a biggie. But what do i wear . Do i wear a suit . Hes the former president. Do i wear a suit . Evy says i wear a suit. No tie. Stephen suit, no tie marx says. What do you say. Jon i say suit, no tie, unbutton the top button. Casual but formal. Stephen how about no shirt, go harry styles. Jon that would be a good thing to do. Stephen anyway, very excited. Would love to know any questions you want me to ask him. Please, hit me, up, okay. Jon ask him about that jumper from the corner . You see him sink that 3 . Stephen i will, i will. Jon how many takes. Stephen i think thats why biden won. I think that was it. Jon oh, shot heard around the world. Stephen it was magic. Do you have any music to set the scene for rest of the show, sir . Jon lets see. Stephen jon batiste, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Lay it on. Folks, you know, i spend a lot of time tracking the temperature and flowering patterns of the maple tree of topical stories so that i can know the exact peak moment to tap it with my spile. I carefully observe the flow of story sap into the bucket and then transfer the initial run to another storage unit using cheesecloth to filter out any foreign material. I then dig a small outdoor fire pit and boil the stories until they are golden in color, bring them inside for a second boil, which i carefully monitor until it reaches 7 degrees fahrenheit past the boiling point of water at my current elevation. Then, then i remove any sediment, filter it one last time, and transfer it to blown glass bottles to create the gradea maple news syrup that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes i like to just head outside with a fork and scrape some of the crusted sap off the nearest pine, mix it with the soda and backwash left in a dented can of fanta on the counter, then drizzle it on yesterdays pancakes to create the drifters breakfast topping of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, an art restoration in palencia, spain, has gone terribly awry. See the lady smiling at her animals and harvest fruit . Well, after the restoration, she now looks like this whats spanish for frying pan face . Its like someone slapped a butter sculpture on a hot day. This seems to be a real problem in spain. We all remember that countrys other famously botched restoration job potato jesus. What exactly is the vetting process for art restorers in spain . Sorry, estaban, im afraid it appears you have a masters in fine art, both your hands and eyes, and youve seen the original piece. That kind of thing might fly in france, but weve decided to go with an insane macaque holding a paintbrush in its tail. Quarantinewhile, in bad news news, multiple people have tested positive for covid19 on a cruise ship in the caribbean. That headline again thing everyone knew would happen, happens. laughter quarantinewhile, video has gone viral of a helicopter carrying a heart for a transplant patient that crashed on the roof of an l. A. Hospital. No one was seriously hurt, and the heart was recovered from the wreckage and handed off to this doctor, okay, who treated it with the care and caution it deserves theres the handoff. He tripped like a cartoon waiter, spilling the heart on the helipad. Calm down calm down everyones fine. Good news the transplant was a success it was dirty. Stephen but it would be fun to be that patient. Youre getting ahead of my punch line. as doctor your procedure went great, thanks to your cardiologist, larry, and his attendings, moe, and curly. You may have some discomfort in your chest, but thats just the wet leaves and helicopter fuel. Cant actually talk. You said essentially the punch line. Maybe you should write it. laughter thank you for being here. Quarantinewhile, we were all excited about the news of modernas new vaccine. And it turns out dolly parton partly funded Modernas Covid vaccine research. Which explains why the vaccine to tune of 9 to 5 working 95 percent of the time. Joke is based on a true story. Quarantinewhile, the twitter world is atwatting over the news that twitter just introduced fleets, fleeting tweets that disappear forever after 24 hours, the perfect option for users who feel remorse about something they posted. Just what twitter needs people saying things too awful to remain on twitter. Now, if youre not enthused about the idea of fleets, dont worry, because twitter says its main global town square Service Remains its marquee product. Really . I got to say, twitter makes for a pretty crappy town square. Hear ye hear ye bell ringing toaster strudels are better than pop tarts. And anyone who disagrees is a liberal cuck. And now, enjoy a picture of my butt. laughter that is damn loud. You can talk any time you want during this. I apologize. Quarantinewhile, cbs new york just broke this story right here in the big apple. Another illegal gathering is busted in new york city. This time, investigators say a socalled fight club was operating inside of a crowded bronx warehouse. Stephen well, it makes sense that this got out. Its just like tyler durden says the first rule of fight club is tell cbs news about fight club laughter stephen but the fighting isnt even what will shock you most about what was going on at fight club. Investigators say they found two handguns, drugs, and unlicensed alcohol. They also say very few people were wearing masks. Stephen please, everyone. This holiday season, wear a mask while you smash your fellow mans face into a pulpy mu