But sometimes the bolt that connects the rod to the van itself can just snap off without any warning at all. Whats her name, man . Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight beg your pardon. Plus, stephen welcomes kate winslet and Michael Eric Dyson featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome. Welcome to a late show. Ladies and gentlemen, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Tomorrow marks one month since the election, and the president has spent that entire time throwing a loud, pantsfilling tantrum. If we dont change president s soon, hes going to get a rash. Ill tell you all about it in tonights installment of our neverending segment. Dump dump dump illegal massive dumps im a dope, proud boyeeee the road from the white house stephen wooo the president s complaints about fake Election Fraud are more than just recreational whining. In fact, his refusal to concede is seen by some of his followers as a call to arms, which has made for a dangerous situation down in georgia, where there have been many threats of violence, including against a 20yearold Voting System contractor who was targeted by someone who hung a noose and declared that the worker should be hung for treason, and caravans of hornhonking maga supporters constantly parading past secretary of state Brad Raffenspergers private residence. Well, that caravan finally showed up, and the president was right its full of bad hombres looking to destroy our country. Well, in response, yesterday, one of georgias top election officials, gabriel sterling, a republican, gave an emotional press conference. Im going to do my best to keep it together, because it has all gone too far, all of it. A 20something tech in Gwinnett County today has Death Threats and a noose put out, saying he should be hung for treason because he was transferring a report on batches from an e. M. S. To a county computer so he could read it. It has to stop. Stephen thank you for speaking up. Unfortunately, we know how things end when you tell the president to stop 130,000 check, but only if the entire state of georgia signs an n. D. A. Anyway the speech blew up yesterday and this georgian election official was praised for his courage, his clarity, and his call for civility. And the president heard that and popped open a can of suck it. Today around 4 00 eastern crazy time, the president posted a conspiracy theoryfilled rant on facebook no press, no questions. Not even the mediating lower third graphics of cable new. Just uncut, crazy packed into a straw and blown right into the brain stem of the kamikaze maga deadernds. And he started with this this may be the most important speech ive ever made. Stephen i think you misread one word, mr. President. It may be the most impotent speech you ever made. Because it was just another rambling mass of lies that lasted a full 46 minutes. My big complaint he should have done this a week ago, not because he said anything worth hearing, but at least the people who cancelled a big family thanksgiving could have pretended they were still eating with their racist uncle. And he. Brought. Props. In wisconsin, as an example, where we were way up on election night, they ultimately had us miraculously losing by 20,000 votes. And i can show you right here that wisconsin, were leading by a lot. And then, at 3 42 in the morning, there was this. It was a massive dump of votes. Stephen again with the massive dumps . But given his cheeseburger at bedtime, 3 42 in the morning sounds about right for him. The president also laid out some pretty interesting theories. Also, in arizona, the attorney general announced that mailin ballots had been stolen from mailboxes and hidden under a rock. Stephen hidden under a rock . In arizona . In the desert . Did a fast bird going meep meep do this and you tried to chase the bird, and you ran into a painting of a tunnel on the side of a mountain . By the way, if you run off a cliff, youll be fine, as long as you dont look down. Showing a surprising amount of selfawareness, the president even knew how poorly his stupidity would be received. Even what im saying now will be demeaned and disparaged, but thats okay. Stephen well, as long as its okay. Youre a petty, angry man, you will never receive and have never deserved. And in 50 days, youll be out of the white house, without the protections of executive power, and no court is going to uphold you pardoning yourself. Plus, youre ugly and your mother dresses you funny. And heres the thing all the contested states are now certified. Its over. And still, still republicans are terrified to speak that basic truth. Take g. O. P. Senator and Orville Redenbacher after lasik, ron johnson. In a phone call two and a half weeks ago, johnson reportedly confessed he knows biden won but wont admit it, because it would be political suicide. Really . I would say the real political suicide is refusing to distance yourself from a president who has lost and is willing to destroy democracy and your party out of spite. Its like the g. O. P. Is saying, hey, lets play hands on a hard body on this running pickup truck inside the garage. No one open the door to let the oxygen in. That would be political suicide. And it would hurt the trucks feelings. So sleepy plus, the president knows he lost you know how i know . Because he is taking legal precautions. We have just learned that he has discussed pardons for his three eldest children and Rudy Giuliani and his soninlaw, jared kushner. Now, thus far, we dont know the crimes that these people are guilty of, and neither does the president. He would be shielding them from prosecution with what are known as preemptive pardons. Its a classic move. as husband honey i will certainly tell you what i did with the neighbor after you forgive me. Do you forgive me . Good. Now i wont tell you, because youve already forgiven me, and if i have to tell you, is that really forgiveness . But it does lead to one obvious question what are they guilty of . For some of them, its pretty easy. Jared kushner has long been suspected of shady financial dealings, plus hes obviously slender man. Prosecutors are investigating don jr. For firstdegree douchebag with intent to distribute. I believe it goes nickel bag, dime bag, douchebag. And ivanka looks like maybe she shoplifts for thrills. How else did she get that can of beans . I dont believe eric has violated any laws, but hes still grateful to get a pardon. as eric this is the best Christmas Gift that my dad has ever given me. Also, the only Christmas Gift. Now, as someone who hasnt committed a lot of crime that i know of a preemptive blanket pardon for everything you might have done done seems a little excessive. Crimeing is like drinking its a red flag if you dont know exactly how many drinks youve had or crimes youve done. And in rudys case, how many crimes youve done while not knowing how many drinks youve had. Speaking of which, unlike the kids, rudy is facing specific allegations. The f. B. I. Is reportedly investigating giulianis ukraine efforts, including his possible ties to russian intelligence. Although, rudy believes he can prove its actually the f. B. I. Thats corrupt, based on some documents he got from his friends in russian intelligence. Its fun to guess which member of the administration did what, which is why we at the late show have created this fun criminal activity page. For you to download. On the left, you can see all of the potential pardongetters, and on the right, theres a list of crimes, like money laundering, tax evasion, and snorting coke off the last living black rhino. You have to match the person to their crime. And there are no wrong answers. Of course, its not just rudy and the kids. Several of the president s allies have begun a campaign to petition the west wing in hopes of securing pardons. One white house source says, you wont believe the amount of calls some insane weve gotten. Oh, i believe youre getting a lot of calls. What i dont believe is that only some of them are insane, because its not just members of this administration. Tiger king joe exotics attorney said he believes they are close to getting a president ial pardon. Oh, come on. A ridiculous, washedup, paranoid, obviously guilty reality star might pardon joe exotic . groove is in the heart ask carol about this slam stephen exotic submitted a formal application for a pardon, where he told the president , if i have ever looked up to anyone, it would be you. Yeah, joe exotic has modeled his career on the president. I mean, they even get their hair from the same cadaver. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are kate winslet and Michael Eric Dyson. But when we return, its orgy time. Oh, yeah. Stick around. This week on the upper hands. Special guest flo challenges the hand models to show off the ease of comparing rates with progressives home quote explorer. International hand model jonjon gets personal. Your wayward pinky is grotesque. Then a high stakes pattycake Battle Royale ends in triumph. You have the upper hands its a race to the lowest rate, and so much more. Only on the upper hands. What oh, ooh oh yeah rate, holidits christmas oh, ooh oh yeah Christmas Glade limited Edition Holiday collection sc johnson wathis year, try shopping for mChristmas Gifts live. Theres a place you can go where great gifts fill each shelf no need for shipping just grab them yourself come find perfect presents up through Christmas Eve at prices almost too good to believe so if you still need gifts and its already december this is the place to spend less and gift better t. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. In a whole new way. Now roomba vacuums exactly where you need it, and offers personalized cleaning suggestions for a clean unique to you and your home. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to a late show. Lets say hello to jon batiste. Jon, hello. whistling i love your your musical birdlike language. Jon, i gotta give you a warning here. What were about to talk about in this act of the show is for mature audiences. Not that youre not a mature person, but i know youre pure as the driven snow. I wouldnt want to scandalize you, okay. Better a mill stone should be tied around my neck and cast into the deepest part of the river than one should scandalize his band leader. Jon oh i like the twist on that. I like that come on, man stephen just keep it in mind. How are you feeling . Jon im im feeling like i have whiplash. This whole year has felt its just so much to process. Its felt like a quick spin, and now the inertia is just my body has landed right here. Stephen i have done some sailing where you go to sea for a week and you come back and youre still but the whole world is moving. Thats what it feels like right now. He could be leaving, and the vaccine is coming. Im swimming with the possibilities. Jon im really hoping it is over, whatever that means, and that this is a new beginning. But, you know, we just got to just take it one day at a time. Stephen do you have anything do you have something calm that could that could turn my soul into a still ship on a silent sea. Jon i like what you were dealing with when you hit me up. You said. 250 years. Stephen wow. Stephen i didnt know beethoven could swing. Jon oh, yeah. Its been 250 years. He learned a thing or two, you know. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon of course. Stephen of course, the pandemic continues to rage, but theres hope on the horizon. Ill catch you up on trying not to catch it in tonights installment of third. This will be a december to fuhgeddaboutit hey im stephen good enough. Two companies, moderna and pfizer, have vaccines that are tantalizingly close to market, just in time for the holidays. So this years favorite Stocking Stuffer is going to be hypodermic needles. In preparation, yesterday, the c. D. C. Came out with guidelines that say once theyre available, the first people to get the vaccine will be healthcare workers and people in nursing homes. Thats great news, because these days, everybodys sitting on the couch in their soft clothes watching wheel of fortune, so, technically, were all in nursing homes. Then, in february or march, the next priority groups are likely to be people over 65. Finally, by april, or june, healthy, nonessential workers younger than 65 will begin receiving the vaccine. You know what that means. According to the c. D. C. , im young woo time to fortnite an electric scooter while vaping a dab whos wap, now . Me . Because i seriously do not know. What a wap is. Now, weve all heard the stories of people flouting c. D. C. Guidelines to come together en masse for traditional latenovember gettogethers. I dont mean thanksgiving. Im talking about orgies what is that image . What oh oh, my. Both envelope stuffing. laughter because apparently, a new orleans swingers event became a superspreader after 41 attendees tested positive for coronavirus. Technically, every orgy involves super spreading. Also, lets look at that number again. 41 . Thats interesting, an odd number. That means 20 couples and karl. laughter the event in question was the annual naughty in nawlins swingers gathering. Oh, no but if this can happen at naughty in nawlins, it can happen anywhere im looking at you, dirty in detroit, domination in des moines, flesh fest in flagstaff, bone jam in birmingham, and butte stuff. Who could have seen this coming . Everyone, except the organizers of naughty in nawlins, who thought they could create guidelines to make the safe sex event safe for sex. For example, there was no dance floor, so attendees instead swayed in place at their tables. Eliminating dancing to keep your Swingers Convention safe is like leaving the sprinkles off your Ice Cream Cone before you rub it on your junk. laughter participants were also asked to keep detailed diaries of everyone they had contact with for more than 10 minutes at the convention, regardless of whether that contact involved sex, because nothing sets the mood at an anonymous flesh pit like detailed written records. Plus, it would be fun for your grandkids to find. Surprisingly, the city was on board with the event. One new orleans spokesman said they expected full compliance with safety guidelines. Theres your mistake not everyones into full compliance. Some people are only compliance curious. And some just like to stand in the corner and watch other people comply. Like karl. Unfortunately, attendees got a little tired of complying. According to the events organizer, they were super diligent on the first two days, and then they said, bleep it. Its our last day. Really, on the last day of an orgy convention is when people said bleep it . I assume thats when they say when they fire the starter pistol. Turns out, its not so easy to maintain proper social distancing in the rub room, because just one day after the event ended, they had their first reported covid case. The Event Organizer said, it was a wife who tested positive, but her husband tested negative. Ouch. I think i know who got naughtier in nawlins. faking coughs ooh, yeah, honey. I think i have it, too. Must be the equal amounts of crazy cool sex we both had at the orgy. coughing given the outcome, the naughty in nawlins organizers admit they do have regrets, with one saying, if i could go back in time, i would not produce this event again. laughter one, because of the virus. Two, because id use my time machine to produce getting freaky with the greeky full release in greece tap that, athens well be right back with kate winslet. Halls. Over video calls. With sweatpants. House plants. And a 3pm happy dance. With pizza buying. And reindeer flying. And just a little joyful crying. With all your family. And all your friends. First bites. And happy ends. Its all essential. In every way. And together. It makes a holiday. Lets end the year with what matters. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. teen the stronger, mom. It happened again. Nger vo add some thrill to your wish list. At the season of audi sales event. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. Make yoat ross ays happen. Surprise ahhh yes i love it you dont have to spend a lot to give a lot to the ones who mean the most. Youve got the holidays, and weve got you, with the best bargains ever. At ross. Yes for less yep get the gifts you love. Yesss . For everyone on your list. Youve got the holidays, and weve got you. With all the gift for less. At ross. Yes for less stephen welcome back, everybody. She is an emmy, grammy, and Academy Awardwinning actress you know from titanic, the reader, and now, ammonite. Please welcome back to a late show, kate winslet hello, kate. It sounds so weird, grammy. Oh, yes, okay stephen what is it for . Its actually for spoken word. Stephen sure, i got one of those. Its for spoken words, you know, because they give those out a lot. Stephen sure. Im very grateful. Yes, i do have a grammy. Anyway, moving on. Stephen i dont know if youve been binging, any but were coming up to the holiday season, and of course watching movies on tv during the holidays means wa