This epidemic sweeping across our world. Monkeys whove had their genitals regions scorched clean. For years, monkeys have walked among us but never with any j junk. We now know that j j. D. Vanceces behind a campaign to incinerate every primates privates. No wonder king kong is always so pissed off. J. D. Vance could easily cut ties with his controversial company, unless he doesnt have the balls. So thihis novembeber, tell j. J. O keep hisis hands off of your macque. Im tim ryan and i neuter monkeys announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Yeezy come, yeezy go. An exclusive look at this years best halloween movie. First, stephen welcomes kerry washington. And musical guest joe walsh. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody. Please have a seat, everybody. Very nice. Ive got to tell you. Man, i tell you. With a greeting that powerful, im tempted to come out here and do that again. I think it would feel just as good the second time, dont you . Welcome one and all the the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. A lot of big stories. [cheers and applause] a lot of big stories to talk about tonight, but first, i have a big announcement to make. After much thought and soulsearching, i, Stephen Colbert, am banning kanye west from the ed sullivan theater. [cheering] i have to. I have to. Line in the sand. In fact, as host of the late show, my jurisdiction extends into the northern half of times square. And i am banning kanye from coming north of bubba gump shrimp. Okay . I have to. I have to. Stay out of times square. Hes been creeping out the elmos. And theyve seen a lot already. And i just want to take a moment here and just point out that this next part is the courageous part. Im also ending all of our highprofile collabs, including but not restricted to our collection of spreadable jams, strawbeezy jelleezy. And i have decided not to release our duets album, ye and phen. Sing fiddler on the roof. I know. I know. I know this has been too long in coming. I have no excuses for why i didnt do this before, except perhaps that he has never been on the show, had no plans to be on the show, we have never asked him to be on the show, and i am not sure he is aware that i have a show. But i had to do it now, because i was afraid he would just show up at any moment. Because thats what he did yesterday. The shoe company skechers said it had to escort kanye west from its offices after an unannounced visit. In five years, the idea of an unannounced visit from kanye has gone from amazing to sir, you need to leave this skechers. Right try pay less. Try pay less shoes. It gets worse. Unlike with adidas, kanye never had any deal with skechers. Apparently,kanye is so desperate, hes just driving around searching google maps for shoes near me. At this point, hes going to have to set his sights lower and be celebrity spokesman for slippers that come with the robe. You know their slogan throw us away speaking of sketchy, tesla ceo and cousin saying ayoh, take a picture of me with the space dongs elon musk. This week, musk announced that he is going to buy twitter, and the deal will be final by tomorrow. Tomorrow, right . In anticipation of the takeover, musk changed his twitter bio to chief twit. Not bad. [applause] its not too bad. I would have gone with twit for brains. Musk also posted this tweet entering twitter hq. Let that sink in alongside a video of him walking into the building holding a sink. Get it . He wanted to visualize a pun. Let me try elon, youre clearly unhinged. [applause] you have a screw loose. You have a screw loose. Youre nuts. Youre nuts. And frankly, hard to watch, since youre a tool of russian prop. Prop. A gander. Wasnt on camera. Are you okay . [applause] that bit almost killed our stage manager, mark, over there. You okay, buddy . Okay. Im looking forward to twitter on his first bad day as ceo. Our stock is in the toilet oh, what have we got . Is this an update . This is an update on Georgia RepublicanSenate CandidateHerschel Walker. [booing] seen here warning that there may be a giant Herschel Walker on the loose yesterday, a second woman came forward claiming that walker not only paid for her to get an abortion but drove her to the clinic. He went there so much, i assume at this point he has his own parking spot. You know. Walker dismissed the story as a lie, but his pile of scandals might be getting too big even for fox news. Because brett baier pushed back. I talked to a number of voters today. Some of them, these accusations affected them, to be honest. They said they just werent sure, and they didnt know if another shoe was going to drop. Stephen another shoe gonna drop . How many feet does Herschel Walker have . Is he a centipede . It would explain why he was such a good running back. With the midterms coming up, president Joseph Robinette biden is doing everything he can to push his party over the top. Now hes reaching out to your average joe sixcylinder by playing up his car guy persona, hoping his gearhead reputation will appeal to the republican base. Yes, with the fate of our nation at stake, the democrats have a plan republicans. Just last night, biden went on jay lenos garage hosted by jay leno and his sidekick, garage, where he and jay went for a ride in a 78 ford pickup that had been converted to all electric. If you just got in this and drove and didnt know it was an electric, would you know right away . Does it feel different to you . Feels different in three ways. One, its quiet. Right. Quiet as hell. Stephen yeah, it is quiet as hell. They might want to add some sound actually. Because you know what sounds dangerous . A completely silent 44yearold truck driven by a grandpa who hasnt been behind the wheel in two years. Okay . Honk the horn or something. Leno is well aware how rare driving is for biden. This is the only time you get to drive is when youre with me. Yeah, it is thats the gods truth. And its funny. And i miss it. I know. Every once in a while, i take the corvette out of the garage and just run up and down the driveway. [applause] stephen i mean, i can understand he loves his corvette but im not sure thats the most reassuring image. I know some skeptics worry that biden isnt totally with it. But youd change your mind if you could just see him going up and down the white house driveway for hours, muttering i miss this. Then things got wild, when, for some reason, biden dragraced against Colin Powells son, michael powell. Gentlemen, are you ready to go . Ready to go. Ready may the best corvette win on your mark get set go stephen holy malarkey joe biden put the pedal to the metal and hit 118 Miles Per Hour hes still got it hes still got it, baby whoo any faster and he wouldve driven back to 1955 and made out with marty mcflys mom which im pretty sure he did in 1955. If you liked that footage, you can see more in bidens upcoming movie, fast and furious 2 old 2 drive. Go, grease lightning grease lightning go, grease lightning go, grease lightning thank you. Speaking of old guys, we got a fun tidbit from his holiness pope francis, seen here greeting customers at walmart. The pontiff made headlines yesterday when he urged priests and nuns to delete porn from their phones. Priests . Nuns . Phones . Porn . Pope . Oh, my. And here i thought the steamiest thing to happen to the vatican was jude law. Now, obviously, il papa is not happy about men and women of the cloth watching the dirty videos. He warned aginst porn, saying the devil enters from there. But based on what i know about porn, the devil can enter a bunch of different places. Thank you. [cheers and applause] we got a great show for you tonight. My guest is kerry washington. But when we come back, some kids and i discuss Spooky Halloween movies. Stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by allstate. Youre in good hanands isis gameu just like e i stole kekelly cr in higigh school. You gogot no game e dude, thatss a foul and now yoyoure readydy toto settle ththe score. Gameme over. And d if you donont have gh, well, you could d end up payingng for all t this yourse. Soso get allststate, and b be r prototected fromom mayhem, yeahah, like me. E. Thanks, brbro. Takeke a lap, rorookie. Real matature. [c[clicking] when o occasional l heartburn wowont let yoyou sleep. [clilicking] get t fast relieief with newew heartbtburn sleeeep suppor. Love fooood back and fall a asleep fastster. 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And my favorite thing about the spooky season is all of the terrifying movies that come out this time of year. And i dont think scary movies should just be for adults. Halloween is for children and they deserve scary movies of their own. So recently i sat down with a group of very Creative Kids to find out what they want in a halloween movie. This is kids pitch [bell ringing] [screaming] hi, everybody. All hi, steve. Stephen are you excited to make the scariest movie ever . All yeah me too. Now, i asked you guys to draw some pictures of scary things. Now lets take a look at what you guys did. Is this you, ava . Yes, this is mine. Stephen who is this . His name is no one. Because he has no name. Stephen wow. Hes just is, like, a smile. Thats it. No body, no limbs. So there is a back story to it. So when i was walking outside to take out the trash, by myself, i just heard, i just heard, like, some kid music. Stephen kid music . Yeah. I heard it, like, far away. Stephen like an Ice Cream Truck kind of music . Yeah Ice Cream Truck music. I heard Ice Cream Truck music but there was no ice cream. There was none. I checked everywhere. I checked everywhere. Around my house. Stephen so is this the nighttime around him . Or is this the darkness that just surrounds him everywhere . Thats the darkness around him. Hes just under the bed right now because stephen hes under the bed . Yeah. You hear, like, some box. Music box. And then it goes and then when you look under the bed, like, very carefully, and then the music goes behind you. That means hes behind you about to kill you. Stephen thats absolutely terrifying. Thank you very much. Youre welcome. Stephen all right, ooh. There is some intricate stuff going on here. Maxwell, is this you . Yeah. Stephen maxwell, whats goin on . It looks like a teddy bear with someone in its chest. Thats freddy. Stephen tell me about freddy. Do you know who Freddy Krueger is . Stephen oh, yeah. I know Freddy Krueger. Freddy krueger played as him. Hes a horror character. Stephen so this is Freddy Krueger . Yeah. Hes just playing as as freddy. Stephen is he Freddy Krueger pretending to be someone named freddy . Or is he someone pretending to be Freddy Krueger . Like, the actor of freddy is Freddy Krueger. Stephen so the actor who plays Robert Englund is playing this character. And what is this characters name . Freddy. Stephen thank you. Ooh, this is you. Okay. Yeah. Stephen tell me what were looking at here. Its called evil monster. Stephen and whats going on down here . I see tell me oh. Stephen thats a ghost. That was a ghost. There is no way that just happened. That is terrifying. My heart just stopped. Anyone did that scare anybody else . No. Stephen how are you not scared, melanie . Because they fall off automatically. Stephen but it didnt before and then it did. And nobody did anything. Thats got to be a ghost. Im not scared. Its probably my dead grandma just touching it. Stephen im so sorry to hear that. But you think that might have been her just saying hi. Yeah. Stephen could be a friendly ghost. Oh, my gosh. This is really scary. That monkey is looking straight into my eyes. Stephen that monkey . Yeah, its creepy. Oh, yeah. Stephen is that they could is that a creepy monkey . Yeah, right there. Its being possessed by a demon. Stephen you think that could be a demon monkey . Yes. Stephen all right, whos the hero of this movie . Kingston. How about we put, like, this boy named peter who loves to do bad stuff. And then when he does bad, he gets the bad in him. Stephen so in other words, like, he invites the demon in by being bad and then he gets worse . Okay. Who is the main villain, ghost or monster of our movie . Ava. No one. Because hes going to be really big. And he is sleeping as peter. Peter is sleeping. Stephen peter is the boy who was sleeping who gets possessed by the demon when he does something bad and the demon sees it as an opportunity and no one possesses him . Does that sound right . No one. Stephen all right, how does our demon monkey fit into this . Hes the monkey that died that possessed him. Stephen its a monkey that becomes a demon who possesses no one who becomes a demon. And then no one possesses peter. Weve got a chain. Its like a turducken of evil. All yeah stephen a turducken of evil. Melanie, you have something to say . Tess has a little dance for you to show. Go, tess. Shes possessed. Youre all possessed by a demon. Stephen maxwell, how can you tell when someone is possessed . Because i can cross my eyes and then, like, a fake clone comes out of the body. Stephen wow. When i cross my eyes, i see i see two of all of you. Which one is the demon . Me. The demon is the blurry one. Stephen wow. What made no one turn into the monster that they are . I think it was cause his mom and dad couldnt come up with a name or something. Stephen his mom and his dad couldnt come up with a name. Then they threw him out the window. Stephen they threw a baby . Yeah. Stephen how old was he when he got thrown out the window . Uh, two months old. Stephen 2monthold baby got thrown out of the window with no name. And then, how did he then turned into the monster of no one . When the parents threw him out, threw no one out the window, he started rolling into like toxic gas and then he mutated into no one. You read my mind stephen so they live near a superfund site. And then he got into some toxic chemicals. Yes, ava. Who helps peter . So peter will have an angel next to him. Stephen an angel. Thats interesting. So its an angel fighting a demon. Thats a classic matchup. Who wants peter to have a girlfriend . Yes. I know what her name is going to be. Stephen whats the girlfriends name going to be . Angelica. Stephen angelica and wait wait. Theres an angel and a girl named angelica. Is his girlfriend does she turn out to be the angel . Yes. Stephen grayson, what do you think the villain wants from the heros . He probably just wants a place to hide. And maybe peter is very valuable and has knowledge he needs to know or something. So hes trying to get into his brain. Stephen okay, so he needs a place to live and its going to be inside of peter because hes tired of living underneath the bed. And then he gets into peter and he finds out that theres great information in peters head. So now he has that information. Thats where peter fights back. Stephen so the movie is taking place inside the head of the boy who is possessed by the demon. And again, lets get back to this. The demon himself is a demon inside the monkey whose inside of no one who is now inside of peter. The way they get the demon out is the spray. Its kind of like hair spray. [laughing] seriously. Stephen you can chase away a demon with hair spray . Its true. Stephen its true. Like aqua net . What are we talking about here . Regular hair spray. Stephen any old hair spray . Yeah. Maybe we could be like because its peters mind, he could imagine that he had, like, weapons. And then the weapons just, like, come into his hands. Stephen ooh, because when he imagines them in his mind, they actually turn real in his mind. So yeah, like if you imagine the sword, he gets a sword. If he imagines a l