Is this a diet. He is fit, fun, fascist, take a look at kim jong un. [speaking nonenglish language] reading, glorious, people. It is me, kim jong un. You may not recognize me because i am now the hottie with a body. And now, you too can achieve the same glorious results with my new workout video. When one catches a glimpse of your glorious line, they will save pyongdang. So order lungs of steel today and get a one year supply of my nutrition take, kim fast. It announcer it the late show with Stephen Colbert. It tonight, back to school. Please welcome jeff daniels and Nate Burleson featuring John Baptiste and dave human. And now, live on tape from the theater in new york city, it is Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen hey, hey hello, hello. Hey hey are you doing . Thanks, everybody welcome, welcome, one and all down here, up there, welcome to the late show im a fan of me too. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its an exciting day here in new york city. Because it was the first day of all in Person School for the first time for the first time in 18 months, k a kids can enjoy class without seeing their dance wandering around in boxers if they are lucky. Of course theres hiccups on the first day, the Online Health screenings families are required to fill out each morning had crashed by about 8 00 a. M. Some educators were forced to complete their own screenings of how each child was feeling that morning. Okay, class, so i read your health forms. I see many of you are suffering from what fever. Butt ache, shortness of butt. Okay come up with a mask over your butt and come on n. Of course, kids are not the ony ones vulnerable to cocacola, which is why President Biden issued a plan to require all private sector businesses with more than 100 employees to a mandate vaccines are weakly texting. Thats great, you want that sense of security. So when you go into a starbucks, you should feel safe. Until you see the bathroom. Are those teeth . Stephen of course, the Safety Measures and mange the lunatic fringe of antivaxxers, otherwise known as republican governors. Mississippi governor tate reeves declared this is america and we still believe in freedom from tyrants. Yes, refusing medical treatments part of a proud american tradition. Who can forget the immortal words of Patrick Henry . Give mirabella and give me death because i want to die from rubella. Some governors [cheers and applause] thanks. Stephen some governors have threatened to sue the Biden Administration over vaccines. And on monday, the president responded. What do you say to collect all though mike republicans were calling your vaccine requirements and overreach . Have at it. Stephen come at me, come on step up you want a taste . You want to taste, a scoop of this . I went to Scranton School bus tussling. Youve got a problem with the mandate you can stop by and meet my pals empathy and public service. Come on, jackson, come on come on. Its not your School Coming back from covid because america is also seeing the sweaty, sticky, triumphant return of sex parties. Really . Really . Ive said this before. I just do not buy that sex parties are actually a thing. Im in show business. Supposedly, the height of decadence, and ive never once been asked to a sex party. No matter how many times i come on tv and say they dont exist. No ones ever said hey, steve, we missed you at the sex party last night. Too bad, you seem like the great kind of person to have at a sex party, a great asset. Wheres the invitation . Are they in my junk email fo folder . [cheers and applause] get it. Forget it im mad, im angry by which i mean the folder where i keep my junks emails. Little steve at colbert. Org. Thats right, its a nonprofit. [laughter] whats wrong with you . Whats wrong. [laughter] when covid first hit, some people moved to their sex parties to zoom, but obviously that could be awkward. One woman told researchers, i was with my parents so it was hard to hide in the room and host a zoom sex party. Honey, your mom and i are going to order from pf changs, do you want lettuce wraps . Order the lettuce wraps, she keeps screaming yes, yes, yes. Wait, get out the menu, she says shes coming. [laughter] i dont understand. Okay. Researchers, we are all adults, one of us just turned 18 in fact. [cheers and applause] young man in the front row asked me if i could talk to my 18yearold self, what advice when i get to my 18yearold self . That advice would be there is no such thing as sex parties. Have you ever heard have you ever been invited . [cheers and applause] hold on. Hold on. Have you ever been invited to a sex party . I went with my mom [laughter and cheering] stephen i apologize. I apologize, i should not have asked you that question. Mom, have you ever been invited to a sex party . [laughter and cheering] where were we . Researchers also found that during the lockdown, one in five participants claimed to be experimenting more. People got so experimental that a whopping 2 of americans claim to have had their first three some the pandemic. And you know that if people claim they had a threesome, they definitely had a threesome. What have i been doing . Oh, definitely had a threesome while i ran a marathon while writing my screenplay in italian that i totally learned beard got to go, beyonces inviting me to the sex pit. Now [cheering and laughter] speaking of crazy piles, tomorrow california is deciding whether to recall democratic governor and west worlds top used salesman gavin newsom. 46 candidates are running against the Current Governor including businesman and candidate wider than his background john cox. Hes been trying to make himself out to be a tough guy including who hes campaigning with fear to speak of the blitz began in the States Capital with 1,000 plus burly brown bear by his side. Stephen all that tells me is john cox is so bland, even a bear will not eat him. [cheers and applause] by show of applause, has anyone been invited to a sex party . [laughter] youve been invited to a sex party . Did you rsvp . Did you go . And was a good . [cheers and applause] can you give me on the list or something . I dont believe her. I dont believe her at all. Not for a second. Another governor want to be is one of the billboard model angelyne who release this compelling video. Im running for governor of california, its just me and the dog. Will you please vote for us . We promise w we will be e really good. The dodog only eatats a little t and i eat pizza. Stephen ill vote for you, just let the dog go. Laughter and [laughter] [applause] sex party, definitely sex party. There is also Patrick Kilpatrick, an actor, screenwriter, and producer. It you might recognize him such as under siege to become a free willy 3, angel 4, or the tv show babylon five trend. If you add all the numbers up, its more than the votes Patrick Kilpatrick will get. But its beginning to look like none of the next people are at the governor because according to the latest polls over 60 of likely voters oppose recalling newsom. The other 40 said i am running for governor. So with newsom likely to be victorious, the g. O. P. Has taken the high road by priming their voters to believe the california recall was stolen. No, no, not again we know this leads to a terrible place. Sacramento. Now in music videos, they are where the last night. And the biggest showstopper of the night was a performance by lil nas x who did a steaming medley of his songs industry baby and montero. Look, im not a prude, im not a prude, but i find that really upsetting. Yet another starstudded sex party and i was not invited guys, i have my own bedazzled shorts and my own baby oil so, lil nas x, call me when you want, call me when you need, call me in the morning, ill be on the way. Tonight a great show for you my guests are jeff daniels and cbs mornings Nate Burleson. But when we come back, Rudy Giuliani was given alcohol near a microphone. Yes announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by ashley. Americas number one fururniture by ashley. Americas number one fururniture and mattttress s store. Ive been n telling everyonene. The sesecret to great teteeth. Is hahaving hehealthy gumsms. Crest advavanced gum r restoe detoxixifies belowow the gum le and reststores by hehelping hl gumsms in as litittle as 7 d. Crest. This is a call to women, to appreciate ouour bodies, to care for all parts, even those hidden, like our armpits. Because perfect armpits, do exist they are stubbly, with marks or shaved, all beautiful and each unique. Dove cares for all armpits, it dries instantly and is kind on skin, protecting you all day long. Try dove advance care for effective protection that is kind on skin. Thats why i choose dove feeling sluggish or weighed down . 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Thats why theres 85 more tide in every power pod. See . Baby ah. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back John Baptiste. Woo john, i hold in my hands the cards for tonights guests. We have the american treasure jeff daniels is here. And our second guest tonight, new to the cbs family right . Nate burleson the new host on the new cbs mornings show. Obviously performer and former nfl star but also on the cbs mornings. Was it called cbs mornings. Big change. Its mornings. Stephen one of the reasons they changed it. It used to be called cbs this morning, and i guess its the only show because its singular. Plural, so they know its one every day in there. Its happening. Its constantly, yeah. No definitive ends. Stephen thats their motto, no definitive ends. To today show. John, i understand before the show began this evening, we got some sad news about the founder of the newport jazz. It tell me about this gentleman. He passed away this morning. He founded newport folk, considered the creator of the jazz Music Festival in general, i owe a debt to him. He was someone so special to me. He believed in me since i was a kid. Encourage me when i moved and hed always book me. So i loved it. I loved getting to know him. One of the greats. I just wanted to say that we love you, george, rest in peace. [applause] stephen folks. This saturday of course was the 20th anniversary of 9 11. President s clinton, obama, and biden appeared at ground zero. George w. Bush spoken shanksville, pennsylvania, and one former president did color commentary for a payperview boxing match that did not last an entire round. Was that jimmy carter . No, not carter. Well never know who it was. [laughter and cheering] we also new york mayor Rudy Giuliani seen here trying to read the specials at the massage parlor. In his speech, Rudy Giuliani focused on whats important from that day, making fun of how Queen Elizabeth reacted to his handling of the tragedy. She said, you did a wonderful job on september 11. And therefore, i making you an honorary night. Commander of the royal something or other. Stephen if you want to see you produce more Queen Elizabeth, catch him in the upcoming Netflix Series the clown. [laughter and cheering] thats not all, rudy had to say about the royal family. I know prince hundreds very questionable now. I never went out with him ever. Never had a drink with him. Never was with a woman or a young girl with him. Never, ever, ever appeared at one time i met him in my office and one time when we had the party, right, burning . You were there. Stephen again, this speech was supposed to be about 9 11 on 9 11. Remind me never to have rudy speak at my funeral. We are gathered here to celebrate a life but before that i just want you to know i never, ever took a road trip with that homicidal drifter ever. Except for that time we drove to wisconsin. You are right there, bernie . Point is, bernie is my alibi. Rudys rambling 9 11 speech led many to speculate he was drunk out of his mind. Nice to know hes cutting back. Of course, rudy didnt dignify these accusations with a response. He dignified them with many, saying, yes, i had a scotch, but i was not drunk adding im not an alcoholic. I use the word functioning. I dont know why it used the word functioning. Im not an alcoholic. I am 77 years old. Ive never been treated for alcoholism. Yes, that is clear. If you want to do now and alcohol, maybe dont choose a word that famously precedes the words alcoholic. Its like im saying im not mrs. Meisel, im marvelous, i dont know why i use the word marvelous. Ive never been treated for being mrs. Meisel. Rudy continued, i am not a drunk. I dont think ive ever been publicly drunk in my life. Adding, i cant remember the last time that i was drunk and i wont remember this time either. Rudy somehow concluded saying im probably one of the sharpest guys youre ever going to meet. And you want me to put me in a court room and ill kick the [bleep] out of anybody. You know, how a sober person acts in court. Im the smartest person in this trial. If you dont believe me . Lets fight. I love you, man. Just a small town boy. Born and raised in south after [cheers and applause] no further questions. Well bee rightht back withth jf daniels en you can choose your crab, and one of three new flavors like honey sriracha. This is not your grandpas crabfest. Unless grandpas got flavor. Dayumm crabfest is here for a limited time. Welcome to fun dining. On your r period, sudden g gushes happppen. Say y goodbye gugush fears thananks to always ultltra thins. With rapapiddry techchnology. That absbsorbs two t times fas. Hellooo clclean and cocomforta. Alwaysys. Fearar no gush. Detect this living w with hiv, i i learned i in ststay undetecece with fewewer medicin. Thats whyhy i swititched to dodo. Dovavato is a cocomplete hiviv treatmtment for sosome adults. 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Progreressive cannt sau from bececoming yourur pare, but wewe can save e you y whenen you bundldle home ando with u us. Do youou really ththink wewe need 47 p photos of fun d dinner at p pam . Yeses. No. Do you struggle with occasional nerve aches of fun d dinner at p pam . In your hands or feet . Try nervive nerve relief from the worlds number one nerve care company. Nervive contains ala to relieve nerve aches, and bcomplex vitamins to fortify healthy nerves. Try nervive. And, try nervive pain relieving rollon. Weve seseen what yoyou wouldo for a klklondike®, so were r raising barar. Now wewe want to s see what your homometown woululd do for r a klondikeke®, so g get togetheher, and go foror the bar, sandwiwich, or conone. Go f for the glolory stephen hey, everybody thank you very much welcome, one and all. To the late show. Folks, my first guest tonight is a twotime Emmy Awardwinning actor you know from the newsroom, godless, and to kill a mockingbird. He no stars in the new showtime series american rus