Thousands of passengers stranded. At one point this morning, all commercial domestic departures were suspended. [t[tune of dadanger zonee] announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight all systems go. First, stephen welcomes Janelle Monae and jamie oliver with a special appearance by m. Night shyamalan, featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen good to see you. Thank you very much. Happy wednesday. Happy wednesday. Happy, happy, happy. There you go. Thanks, everybody. You are very kind. Welcome, one and all. Stephen Stephen Stephen i dont want to get in your way. Go ahead. Welcome. Welcome on and all to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Let me start off. Start off with a simple anybody in out of town here . I assume you drove here because this morning, an faa computer glitch grounded all departing domestic flights across the country. Well, this is what happens when you run your entire Aviation System off a boingo hot spot. It says here am connected but i can only go to delta. Com. The problem started last night thanks to a crash of an faa software called notam, which shares information about hazards in the air or on the ground such as closed runways and airspace restrictions. Its the air travel equivalent of that talk your dad gives you before the road trip. Okay, youre gonna want to skip 95 at this hour cause they close the hartford exits. Okay, i got some cds from the library. Its an audio book about hitlers top generals. Just mail em back to me when you get there. And call your mom not from the road apparently the problem is that the nodem . Notam . What is it called . Notam . What . Notam . Youre making that up. You dont know. The notam system is a little antiquated because it was created in 1947 and modeled after messages used to alert ship captains to hazards at sea. Which explains why the most common message pilots get is thar she blows. It comes with a harpoon. Harpoon. There you go. Thankfully the system is back up and running and they are investigating what happened. The good news is there is no evidence of a cyber attack at this point, or so they say. But think about it. Who stands to gain the most from travelers stuck at airports . None other than criminal masterminds auntie anne, doctor cinnabon and au bon pain speaking of. [applause] bon voyage. Speaking of long delays, the Republican House majority is up and running and theyre ready to achieve their wildest dreams which apparently is hanging out with fox news anchor and last ham cube left at the salad bar, sean hannity. Hannity had members of the g. O. P. House on his show last night to talk about blah, blah, blah. Who cares . Whats getting the attention about this is this interesting observation. One of the things i would like to see and im seeing is more diversity in the republican party. Stephen absolutely. Look at the republican rainbow of inclusion. They got it all. The full spectrum. They got just look at that photo. They got egg shell, vanilla, bandaid. Bandaid with glasses, everything. No surprise congresswoman Elise Stefanik agreed with hannity. We have more women than were ever elected before, more hispanic members ever elected before more African American members in modern history. Stephen and thats just george santos. And it gets more. Because the new republican majority will have twice as many men named mike as there are women chairing committees. This is, without a doubt, the biggest mike overload since that lou bega song. A little bit of mike. In the sun a little bit of mike. All night long a little bit of mike. Here i am a little bit of you makes me your mike. Stephen i cant believe that joke worked. I cannot believe it. Cant believe it. I owe somebody an apology. That joke worked i dont understand how we get to that joke. How does it work . One republican whos possibly not named mike is incoming g. O. P. Congressman and man putting air quotes around his entire life, george santos. Santos has a long history of stretching the truth by never telling it. Well, now in a new complaint filed with the federal election commission, santos has been accused of extensive lies about his campaign finances. Well, thats so disappointing. I would expect more from the man who invented the automobile. Named it after his daughter mercedes. According to the complaint, santos claims he loaned 705,000 to his Campaign Even though 2020 records indicate he only had 55,000 to his name. Fair enough, but what about all of his other names . Because, because, because. Up until he ran for congress, santos used the aliases Anthony Zabrovsky and anthony devolder. He has so many aliases, he had to swear in on two bibles and a torah. The walls appear to be closing in on old georgie. Because this morning, republican officials on long island held a press conference and called on him to resign, dropping this bombshell. George Santos Campaign last year was a campaign of deceit, lies, fabrication. He told me, i remember specifically, im into sports a little bit. that he was a star on the baruch Volleyball Team that they won the league championship. Stephen okay. He lied about going to baruch. They say he lied about being a volleyball champion, but santos did provide this video evidence. Lets go im george santos. This is baruch college. Stephen in response to this stunning rebuke from his own party, santos told reporters on capitol hill that he will not resign, which means hes gonna resign. Republicans arent the only ones out there who want to get rid of george santos. Because yesterday two democrats requested a house ethics investigation of santos and they hand delivered a copy of the complaint to santos office. He wasnt there at the time so they had to give it to his assistant, admiral slorge gantos. Admiral . He has an admiral as an assistant. Thats surprising. Military of that rank. Speaking of santos falsehoods, we just got another one. And its pretty wild. He claims he was one of the first people in the u. S. Diagnosed with covid19. Smart thinking, georgie. Everyone hates me. I know how to win them back, i will tell them i was patient zero. What else . Oh, over on the internet, check it out sometime, over on the internet, this week, ohio and new jersey banned tiktok on government devices over chinese surveillance fears. Yes, its a valid concern, two people clapping. But i dont know if china is super worried about what ohio and new jersey are up to. Chairman, we have the latest report from the united states. The enemy continues to put chili on spaghetti, and we are monitoring the activity of a man called the boss. He says he is born to run, but we will catch him. [applause] tiktok is especially dangerous for government phones because of concerns that the app accesses data, takes frequent screen captures, gathers other sensitive user information like passwords and collects keystrokes of users. That is disturbing. No company should know that much about you. Hold on. My apple watch is telling me to breathe. Its not just ohio and new jersey. At least 20 of their states have left tiktok over growing concerns about its safety. Its true. Tiktok is dangerous. I grab my phone to check it before bed, then an hour later im kneedeep in cleantok watching asmr of somebody shampooing a rug. The rug was so dirty but now its so clean. China, i love you. How did they get it so dirty . I didnt even know it was a pink rug. I thought it was a brown rug. Its a pink rug. Theres a little bird in the middle. Okay. Now were cooking with gas. You can feel it. Because this next story is about cooking with gas, specifically that thats bad. The epa has found natural gas stoves emit air pollutants such as nitrogen dioxide and Carbon Monoxide and are linked to respiratory illness, cardiovascular problems, and other health conditions. Okay, thats not great. But counterpoint, gas stoves are also linked to delicious panseared scallops. A little butter bath, come on, baby. Come on. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. As a result, the government is now considering banning gas stoves. [bleep] you. I will see you in hell. You can have my gas range when you pry it from my hot sizzling hams. Now, because they knew i would be upset, the government says they now have no plans to ban the stoves, so as of right now there are no rule changes. But the nervous nellies over at Consumer Reports are urging homeowners to consider going electric. Why . Because electric stoves are so safe . Kids, i dont want you in inhaling particulate matter, so i bought us something that goes from Room Temperature to the surface of the sun with nothing in between, and when you turn it off, it stays hot for hours. Is it on right now . Only one way to find out. Jimmy, put a plate on there and see if it explodes in your face. We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Janelle Monae and chef jamie oliver. But when we come back, i take you behindthescenes for a thrilling reboot of the late show with m. Night shyamalan. Stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by the sleep experts at zzzqzquil. So nowow, he wakeses up feeling g like himseself. The reignining family y room mimiddleweighght championo. Betttter dayays start wiwih zzzquil l nights. Whwhen targetts good and gathther groceriries, bring jojoy to the table e for less. When s sharing, ththe lolove starts s with quality iningredients. S. And when g great tataste meets s low prices. 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Listerinine. Feel the w whoa im a a bear. Im comingng out of hihibernatn after ththe best napap of my y life. And papapa is hungngry. And whilile youre h hittin the trail,l, im hittining your cooooler. Oh, chcheddar iveve got hot d dog buns and d your cutrrate cacar insurancnce might nonot pay for r all thi. So g get allstatate, and be e r protected d from mayhehem, like me. E. Roar. s sfx familyly screams i n backckground rachel shes gonna freak out. Ashley oh i know, i know. Steven its been a minute since weve been up here. Ashley im really glad were doing this. Rachel me too, yeah. Ashley thats her house right there steven were here. Intrtroducing totogos new frech h dip sandwiwiches. Featuring g fresh artitisan brd pileled high witith tender roaoast beef, smothehered with m melty provovolone cheeeese, just e enough chipipotle maya and serveded with hot t au ju for didipping. Trtry the roasast beef or r pasi frenench dips totoday. Only at t togos. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back [applause] give it up for the band louis cato and the late show band louis. Please have a seat, everybody. Louis, tonight we got just a fantastic musician, artist, actress. Janelle monae is on this evening. That movie the glass onion. Have you all seen glass onion . Louis i havent seen the movie yet. Stephen shes fantastic in that. And then celebrity chef jamie oliver is gonna be out here a little later. Were gonna cook a steak. Were gonna cook a steak. Folks, i love movies. Without them, id feel weird to sit down in a dark room and eat popcorn for two hours. One filmmaker that has always intrigued me is m. Night shyamalan. He has a knack for reinventing cinematic genres. The sixth sense, for instance, was a modern ghost story. Unbreakable was an original spin on a superhero movie. And old was a fresh take on the hollywood classic trope of a magic beach that turns you old. It got me thinking, a while back, we had zach snyder, director of justice league, 300, army of the dead, we had him stop by to make a gritty, actionpacked episode of the late show. And i thought, so what if m. Night shyamalan could bring his singular vision to the late show by guest directing an episode . Well, i asked and the master of mystery said yes. Or did he . He did. And so tonight, i am excited to present to you an exclusive behind the scenes sneak peek at m. Night shyamalans the late show. [cracking] m. Night i was very excited by the challenge of directing the late show because, lets face it, that show is not very scary. Stephen we were so excited to have m. Night on board his name is synonymous with cinema. Literally. Did you know the m in m. Night stands for movie . M. Night its actually manoj, but he was so excited about a director being named movie, i didnt have the heart to tell him. Stephen movie night and i agreed that he would have total control. M. Night i wanted to infuse everything with my special brand of shyamalan eeriness. Its what film historians call shyamalanification. Seriously. Look it up in the dictionary. Stephen i did look it up. Its not in there. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen please have a seat. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. M. Night no, no, no, no, no. Stephen but thats what i say at the start of every show. M. Night no, the line is fine, but dont just come right out and say it. Dont tell them who you are. You are blowing the reveal. Try it again and add a little suspense. Stephen welcome to the late show. Im. Steeee. Phennnn coaaaal bear. M. Night cut. Thats a wrap. Excellent. My apple tv show servant is a tense psychological thriller, and to bring that same sense of fear to the late show, i needed to find out what my protagonist, Stephen Colbert, is afraid of. Stephen clowns, spiders, saying the wrong name to a person ive met several times. Also enclosed spaces, open spaces, losing my glasses, tall guys with tiny heads, short women with large mouths. M. Night we had a lot to work with. Stephen bowling shoes, bowling balls, the pins im okay with regular, not duckpin. M. Night maybe too much. Stephen oh, and you know those oldtimey tables that have carved animal legs on the bottom. When i am not around, do they move . M. Night in storytelling, its all about the element of surprise. In my film signs, you dont see the aliens until twothirds of the way through the movie and then this happens. Its behind [screaming] oh m. Night spooky. Side note it was such an honor to work with daniel daylewis. There truly are no small parts. Anyway, i wanted the late show to have that sense of surprise so i added something without telling stephen. Stephen meanwhile, from our friends at taco bell, theyve announced a brandnew ingredient that they have never before included in what the hell is that . Oh, my god no die, you alien space scum you will not take my planet go get your [bleep] shine box you will not plant your eggs in my brain [bleep] you, spaceboy m. Night it worked. Stephen hes a masterful director. I was completely surprised. Yeah, i was also surprised. Surprised he thought i was a real alien. Surprised no one stopped him from beating the crap out of me. Very surprised. M. Night my fans know that ill often make a cameo, play a small role in each of my films. Its really just a little easter egg for fans. Very subtle. Stephen dogs are so stupid. What a pointless game. Talk to me when they can tap on three similar candies. M. Night blink and youll miss it. Stephen then it was time for the end of the episode. We all know big m is known for his surprise twist endings. Night, night, okay, ive got the ending. What if in the end we reveal that im lukes father . M. Night thats star wars. Stephen then how about i was tyler durden all along. M. Night fight club. Stephen what if i accept my title as princess of genovia . M. Night thats princess diaries and it doesnt even have a twist. Stephen right, okay. How about im the caretaker of a snowedin Haunted Hotel . M. Night in the end, i came up with the greatest m. Night shyamalan twist ending of all time. Stephen thats it for the late show. Stick around for james corden. Good night thats it for the late show. Stick around for james corden. Thats it for the late show. Stick around for james corden. Time for your pills, mr. Colbert. Stephen i host the late show. This whole thing has been a hallucination in the mind of a deranged narcissist. Sometimes known as crazy [bleep]. Stephen shyamalanify. Thank you to samuel l. Jackson and m. Night shyamalan. The final season of servant premieres friday on apple tv and his new movie knock at the cabin is in theaters february 3rd. We will be right back with the star of glass onion Janelle Monae. As i was saying earlier in the meeting, i ththink it wouould. 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