Imagine forcing yourself to tell lies all day about everything in ways that were so transparent and so outlandish that there is no way the people listening to you could possibly believe anything you said. Its been fun. Im actually the single dumbest person ever to perform on cable news. You mamay be wonderiring, whatn store ahahead, the many years ahead . My plan is having sex x with m. [cackling] announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight. Tuck around and find out. And nicolas cage takes the colbert questionert. Plus, stephen welcomes James Marsden and musical guest joy oladokun. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stphen hey you know what . [cheers and applause] thank you, everybody down here, up there, all around the world. Everybody watching. Mom and dad. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheers and applause] and weve been off the air for a week. You know who else has . Tucker carlson. [cheers and applause] the difference is, im allowed back on. Heres what happened. Last monday, fox news fired Tucker Carlson. I cant believe. I. [cheering] whoo i finally get to say that on tv ive been holding this in for a week. I feel like i just had the best pee of my entire life. Like him or not and for the record, dont carlson was the mostwatched cablenews host. So why fire him . Fox did not give a reason. In fact, Tucker Carlsons exit remains a mystery. Yes, a mystery. You can read all about it in nancy drew and the case of why didnt this happen years ago . So heres the dealio. So this isnt so much a who dunnit. Its a why dunnit. But there are some of the clues. During the dominion lawsuit, we learned that carlson was privately texting disparaging remarks about his managers and coworkers. What we didnt know, but fox later found out, is that tucker called a senior fox news executive the cword. [booing] stephen conservative . Cowabunga . Oh that word. Wow, nice mouth, tucker. You kiss your m m with that mouth . You see what i did there . You see what i did there . For those who dont know what word im talking about, he called his boss a cunexttuesday. Or, in this case, a cunevertucker. That was just that was just the tip of the misogynyberg. In another video obtained by the new york times, tucker is shown off camera discussing his postmenopausal fans. Okay, that seems a little rude, but that is most of his fans. After all, the surest way to stop ovulating forever is looking at this face. Its true. The ovaries just drop out and pkew but its not just sexism. Reportedly, some higherups at fox were concerned about what they felt was thinly veiled racism on his show. Thinly veiled . No wonder they were mad. Fox likes their racism cut thick, like a country bacon. Another theory is that tucker got fired because he personally offended fox chairman and pissedoff sack of yogurt, rupert murdoch. Word on the street is, tucker got a little too christian for murdochs taste, including a speech at the Heritage Foundation that was laced with religious overtones and according to a source, that stuff freaks rupert out. Of course it does. I mean, listen. If i was rupert murdoch, i wouldnt want to believe in hell either. Whatever the reason. [cheers and applause] why whistle why you work . I dont know. Whatever the reason, fox news parted ways with tucker, and in his old time slot, viewership is down 56 . And not all of that is fox viewers dying in front of their sets. Conservatives are furious that fox fired carlson, but another reason nobodys watching is fox news host and man with resting lobotomy face, the brownhaired guy whos not steve doocy or Tucker Carlson. Just look at him enthralling viewers on friday. We have more in just a moment. The musics gonna get louder, graphics are gonna come in, and im gonna Say Something when i come back. Stephen im gonna go away from the screen, but my producers promise me that i will not disappear forever like that ball that rolled behind the couch. Ill just sit here and wait for you to come back. I live in your tv, my ratings are food, and please never change the channel. Foxs loss is someone elses gain, because over at conservative network newsmax, primetime viewership has surged. Thats big news for their primetime lineup the Security Camera at a bait and tackle shop. Currently tucker is a free agent and theres plenty of interest. Immediately after he was fired, Tucker Carlson got an offer from russia state media. Thats gotta be a tempting offer. Up until now, hes been representing russia pro bono. Tucker has also da. Its good, da. We report. You decide. Tucker also has gotten unofficial offers from one america news network, conservative news outlet blaze tv, and even mike lindell offered Tucker Carlson a job. Yeah, lindell wants tucker to be the pillow. Big news out of the white house, i almost forgot. Last week, President Biden officially announced that he will seek a second term. Of course, we know bidens real opponent is the ravages of time. If he wins a second term, he will be 86 when he leaves office. And voters feel that is, to put it delicately way too [bleep] old. According to a new poll, 70 of americans believe biden should not run for reelection, and half of those polled cite his age as a major reason. But what matters is that biden is young at heart. Thats right. [applause] thats right. Thats right. Thats right. Thats right. Have to worry about. Rgans we but joes got hope, baby, because in that same poll, 88 of democratic voters say theyd definitely or probably still vote for biden if hes the nominee. Yeah definitely or probably. So, nobody wants him, but theyll take him if hes their only option. Hes the political position known as oatmeal raisin cookie. Following his announcement, biden was asked about the issue and he said this. You said questions about your age are legitimate and your response is always just watch me. What do you say those americans who are watching and arent convinced . With regard to age, i cant even say i guess how old i am. I cant even say the number. It doesnt register with me. Stephen listen, jack, listen. If youre worried about my age, youll be pleased to know that i have trouble identifying and calculating basic numbers. Marco. What . One guy it looks like biden wont have to worry about much next year is Florida Governor and broken robot in the hall of nevergonnabe president s, ron desantis. Ron desantis was supposed to help the g. O. P. Move past the former president , but he has one big political liability hes ron desantis. And hes tanking in the polls. And not just here. Everywhere he goes on the planet. He just returned. [cheers and applause] ron desantis just returned from a foreign trip that was officially billed as an attempt to build floridas economic relationships with the u. K. , israel, south korea and japan. Yes, he was trying to boost sales of floridas top exports unemployed alligators, spongebob face tattoos, and drunk bachelorettes wandering around going, guys, wheres liz . Wheres liz . Im supposed to go back to the hotel with liz. Wait, im liz. Of course, the real point of the trip was to make him look president ial, but in japan, it made him look like this. Governor, polls show you falling behind trump. Any thoughts on that . Im not a candidate, so well see if and when that changes. Stephen im not a, im not a candidate, and im also not a, not in control of my head this is not a joke, i cant stop. Help my skull is full of bees oh, no. Oh, no. Here we go. Oh, they found a flower. They found a flower. Desantis also traveled to the united kingdom, where he met with British Business leaders, who later described him as horrendous and lowwattage, and said that desantis looked bored and stared at his feet at an event cohosted by lloyds of london, the Worlds Largest insurance marketplace. He bored british Insurance Agents [british accent] oh. Oh, i say. Oh. My goodness. I say, hes frightfully dull. Lets go back to discussing deductibles for chimney lung. The harshest review of all it felt really a bit like we were watching a statelevel politician. There wasnt any stardust. No stardust. Or as its known in florida, meth. That wasnt the only lowlight from desantiss trip. Here he is responding to a question about a former Gitmo Detainee who claims desantis was present while he was tortured. How would they know me . Okay, think about it, do you honestly believe that is credible . So this is 2006, i am a junior officer, do you honestly think they would have remembered me from adam . Of course not. Stephen you really think a guy would remember me . No one remembers me. I dont remember me. Whats my name again . Glom desandwich . Oh, no, the bees are back the bees are back oh weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are nicolas cage and James Marsden but when we come back, i talk about hopefully continuing to come back. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert, sponsored by the makers of tylenonol. Cacare withoutut l limits. Tylenol l 8 hour artrthritis pn has s two layersrs of relief. Ththe first isis fast, the sesecond is lolonglastin. We give yoyou your dayay bac, so y you can givive it everyry. Tytylenol. Numbmber one dococtor recommmmd for arthriritis pain. Ininez, let meme ask you, youure using h head and shououlders, rigight . Onlyly when i sesee flakes. Then i s switch backck toto my regulalar shampooo yoyou should u use it everery , otherwise e the flakeses will c come back. Hes rigight, you knknow. Is thahat tiny troroy . 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They ligight the way forwrward. The nenew fully elelectric audi q8 8 etron mododels. We know patients are more than their r disease. Thats why, a at novo norord, weve s spent a hunundred yeas develoloping treatatments to hp unlock humumanitys s full popotential. These are e the greatsts people l living withth, thrivg with nonot held bacack by d dise. They mototivate us t to fight diabeteses and obesisity, rare disiseases and d cardiovasr condnditions, fofor genenerations toto come. So, evereryone can m meet ththeir momentnt. Becaususe your disisease doet define youou. So, whwhat will . Novo nordidisk. Drivining chan. How whwhite do youou think your teethth really arare . Lelets try ththe tissue t t. Ooof, stilill yellow. Whitenining toothpasaste can n only do soso much. Theres s toothpastete whit, and thereres cresest 3d whitestripips white. So mucuch whiter crest. [cheers and applause] stephen give it up for the band, everybody right there, louis cato and the late show band. There you go. Louis. Louis stephen. Good to see you. Stephen good to see all of you. I know weve got a couple guests tonight. Some of you are out on a gig. I love seeing you on the kit. Louis got to hold it down. Stephen playing the guitar with your feet. Coming up in just a little while, the lovely, the talented actor James Marsden is going to be out here. And taking the colbert questionert, mr. Nicolas cage will be right out. Folks, right now, theres one big story that we havent talked about yet, partly because its partly about us. For the past few weeks, the Writers Guild of america, which is the Union Representing television and film writers, has been negotiating with the major studios for a new and fair contract. These are closed negotiations, so we dont know whats happening. All we know is that tonight at midnight pacific time, the old contract ends, and, if a deal hasnt been reached, the union could go on strike. Which means that writers might have to do something totally against their nature go outside. These people right here. Hello. These are our writers, these people. These are our writers, i stick myself in there. Im wga too. And theyre so important to our show. They write the monologue, the meanwhile, the cold open. And without these people, this show would be called the late show with a guy rambling about lord of the rings and boats for an hour. This negotiation impacts our whole staff, who work so hard to bring you this show every night. Which is why everybody, including myself, hopes both sides reach a deal. But i also think that the writers demands are not unreasonable. Im a member of the guild, i support collective bargaining. This nation owes so much to unions. Theyre the reason [cheers and applause] unions this is true. Unions are the reason we have weekends, and by extension, why we have t. G. I. Fridays. Next time you enjoy a whiskey glazed blaze burger, you thank a union. Definitely took a few teamsters to assemble that thing. Might be a little shave jimmy hoffa in there. But just in case there is a strike and we have to go off the air, we today put together some jokes about news stories that were pretty sure could happen in the next couple of weeks. In florida, disney has prevailed in its First Amendment lawsuit against ron desantis. [cheers and applause] as part of the settlement, desantis will perform 3 months of community service, poopscooping after sully from monsters, inc. Over at the white house, joe biden has officially announced hes running for reelection in 2024. Yes, i know he already did that, but he keeps doing it, and thats one of the reasons why people are so worried. Theres news from the republican side. Adding to his list of legal troubles, the former president has been indicted for using child labor at maralago. But in his defense, its nearly impossible to find anyone willing to play with eric. In the world of entertainment, the barbie movie has broken box office records, thanks to a steamy fullfrontal scene where you can see all of kens smooth lump. Just to make sure we cover all of our bases, heres a quick rundown of some top future headlines. Chatgpt has passed the bar but decides it really wants to be a dj. King charles coronation is postponed because they couldnt find a batman pinata. And the met gala unveils next years theme everybody just dress like elmo. Ive got one last prediction. After the break, i give nicholas cage the colbert questionert. Well be right back on y your periodod, sudddden gushes s happen. Say goodbybye gush feaears thanks too alwaysys ultra thihins. Wiwith rapiddrdry technololog. Thatat absorbs two t times fas. Hellooo clean anand comfortata. Alalways. Fear no gugush. Evever since i i retired, iive had trorouble fallilg h asasleep and s staying aslsl yoyou know, ininsomnia. Which wawas making m my das feel likike an uphilill batt. 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With an anantacid thatat startsts working i in second and d a acid rededucer that relelieves occacasional heartburn n all day. Otother brandsds cant do o b. Pepcid comomplete. Wiwith new scocope squeezz momouthwash coconcentrate, justst add waterer, squeueeze to conontrol the s sth of youour mouthwasash. And fifind a zone. E. Alall your ownwn. Scscope squeezez. Want m more from y your vitam . G get more wiwith naturees b. Frfrom the firirstever trtre action sleleep supplemement. To daiaily digestitive suppor. To morore wellnessss solutios everery day. G get more wiwith naturees b. affordablele design. Endlesess possibililities. Ikea. Stephen everybody, look at that. Right there, thats the star of renfield,nicolas cage. Nicolas, it was lovely to have you on the show recently and i had a great time. Thank you for coming back this evening. The reason i really wanted to have you back is that i always wanted to interview you but even a 15, 16 minute interview, its hard to get to know somebody in that length of time. What we have done here at the late show is we had our data engineers crunch some numbers. With the help of an ai system, they have created something called the colbert questionert, which is. [cheers and applause] have you heard about it . Nicolas ive heard about it. I dont know what the questions are, but i know you ask question