Show. The cast of ted lasso chemical what are you doing in my dressing room . We came into watch the game and your tv. We are on apple tv . The only channel we get is tim cook announcing the new iphone. Now in yellow. Our show is about soccer but we are all huge basket offense. Esquivel his life . Remember about what we said about doing catchphrases for free . Thats the problem, everyone is so excited about the games are not going to watch a stupid comedy show. How also they supposed to fall asleep after all of that excitement . Right now you are caught in a delicate balance between sports, comedy, and genuine human emotion. And thats an area science experts or scientists refer to as the ted lasso zone. Stephen i see whats happening now, jason, youre going to give me an inspirational speech like on your show . Stephen, why would i do that when inspirational speech that you need has been right in here all along . Did it work . Stephen no. Okay. Do have anything anything for this guy . Stephen i just look at that and i know i cant compete. Hey, i dont want to hear that word. Stephen what word, com compete . No. If the other word. Go the seaward. Stephen [bleep] . Im sorry, cant . Thats the word i mean. You can say that. We all know that kant is just a can full of tea, which we all know is just hot brown water. Is the freedom. Good catch. Stephen look, guys, i appreciate we are trying to do but the fact of the matter is im just to sit over there, drown my sorrows and ice cream with a ready whip chaser. [indistinct]. Stephen, come on will you stop it, stephen this isnt about you, its about us. Stephen the cast of ted lasso . Yes, we are all behind you. We are all the team. The sport we all care most about in the world is late night comedy variety. Stephen, on our show, have a sign in the locker room that says believe so im to make you a sign right here to remind you of everything that you, stephen colbert, need to get out there and do your show tonight. Special. All right, lets bring it in. Late show on three. One, two, three. Late show on three lets go [cheers and applause] [laughter] [applause] and now your Host Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen hey, whats going on [cheers and applause] hey, everyone, hey welcome one and all in here come out there, all of on the world, welcome to the late show, i am your host, stephen colbert. We are right now [cheers and applause] we are coming to you tonight hot off cbss broadcast of the ncaa mens Basketball Championship game, what a thriller. I mean, i know we are thinking, your thinking steve, dont you tape the show like at 5 30, so theres no way you could have seen the game or who won enter that that i say, oh, yeah . Then how would i know that the champions are. Insert winning team. Stephen congratulations you earned it. As for their opponents, they fell just a little short after fantastic season, so there is still so much to be proud of for. Insert losers. Stephen so there you have it. That right there, friends [cheers and applause] thats a wrap on march madness, just in time for april insanity, because just a few blocks from his theater, the former president is back. He is here i know, i know, its all thanks to last thursdays news that the former president had been indicted by a manhattan grand jury on more than 30 counts related to business fraud. [cheers and applause] you can see it all. Ive got to stop. You can see it all on the hot new show, law order, ha ha ha. So its a sad, sad, happy day for america because for the first time in our history a president has been indicted paying off in porn star. Hourly going to ask play grandchildren . Hopeful in the book donald the terrible, horrible, no good very bad nda. [applause] there you go. So what happens now . What does he plead . When is the trial . What if he goes to jail . He could end up the head of a violent whats the premises again but in prison this time. [laughter and applause] we do know we do know. [applause] we do know a little bit about what to expect in the near term because the former president will be arraigned in new york tomorrow afternoon. That makes tonight arraignment eve. [cheers and applause] the courthouse was stirring, a big busy throng awaiting the man with the mushroom shaped dong. Allegedly. Allegedly [laughter] part of the story, a lot of people forget, a lot of the story people forget is he described his. Okay. To make his arraignment today, the expresident flew to new york from florida a route known as the reverse grandma. Cable news was all over his journey the entire way. They followed his motorcade to the airport, then they follow his plane as it was taxiing, then his plane taking off, then his plane landing at laguardia and then in his white bronco on the 405 with his best friend and rudy giuliani, where did he get off . So paul but mike got off at sunset is what he got off on. He actually is a lot like o. J. Except the expresident , every glove is too big. [laughter] then alvin bragg better get those thumb cuffs. Then tomorrow tomorrow, the moment the world has been waiting for, he will head to the d. A. s office where he will receive a booking number and be fingerprinted. They wont even have to use income and pretty sure theres enough catch up on there all the time. One question a lot of people are asking is will there be a mug shot . Well, i dont know about of him, but heres my mug and i will definitely be doing a few shots. [cheers and applause] the word is there may not actually be in a mug officials are concerned the photo would be improperly leaked and they argue its really unnecessary because appearance is widely known. Yeah, you dont need a new photo taken of the sky. We arty have tons of pictures that would make great mug shots, like this one, or this one. Or this one. Or this one. [laughter] actually come actually, no, its got to be. This one. To me, hold on [applause] can we make that into a mug mug shot . There you go. There you go there you go. Wow. Stephen they did say widely known. Of course, the former president s cronies are all over the tv defending their criminal buddy. Case in point, south, and a senator and sad lunch meat lindsey graham. Graham went on the fox news to encourage them to support the expresident. To the conservatives out there, make sure you vote. If youve got votes, make sure they vote, if you dont have any friends, go make some friends. [laughter] stephen at if you cant make some friends, then look in the mirror in the middle of the night and say its their loss, lindsay, and then climb into bubble bath with a of haagendazs. The former president and a snorkel. Everyone on the right is outraged and they have a dire warning for average citizens. Its not even about donald trump, its about every american because if they can do it to trump, they can do it to you. With this indictment i think its an indictment on everybody in america. If it can happen to him, it can happen to you and i. If they can do this to donald trump, they can do it to you. If this is what can happen to him it can happen to anyone. If they can do that they can go after you and me. Stephen its true, it is indictment stands, but no one has their fixer pay six figures in hush money to their porn star lover and then falsifies it as legal fees and conspires with the publisher of the National Enquirer to catch until stories about his other Extramarital Affairs as part of another illegal violation of Campaign Finance laws will be safe none of us [cheers and applause] [applause] no, this is serious. Folks, you know the old saying, first they came for the former present and i said nothing because he is so [bleep] guilty. [applause] if you think his cable news toadies arguments cant get any dumber, than youve never met eric. They go after my father for what . A nondisclosure agreement which every company in the world, every person in the world does he make stephen wait a second, eric thinks every person in the world an nda . Just curious, show of hands, who here has an nda gimmick nobody. Of course you have to say that or else youll violate your nda. Then again, this is eric we are talking about, so to him you might think it means something different. I wish i could have a hug, but my dad made me sign an nda. No dad affection. [applause] he says no. He says everybody has one. Stephen fox news legal expert Brian Claypool tried to defend the former president but didnt. If this is such a tough case for him to make, why is he bringing it . I think theres no question about it that he wants to humiliate president fraud. President trump. [cheers and applause] [laughter] stephen i believe thats called a fraudian slip. He just wants to humiliate president fraud, i mean president porn sex, i mean throw him in jail, my moms boobs whether anyone likes it or not, this is happening and it all kicks off when . Donald trump is due for an arraignment at this Manhattan Court tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Stephen tomorrow tomorrow hush money porn star she said he was a bad lay [cheers and applause] weve got a great show for you fbi host wanda, Dylan Mcdermott, before we come back, its meanwhile, yall. Its meanwhile. The late show with stephen colbert, sponsored by the sleep experts at z zzzquil. The worlrlds 1 sleleep aid d for a betttter night s sl. Soso now, he w wakes up feeleling like h himself. The rereigning famamily room middlewweight chamampion. Better days starart with zzzquil nights. New dove m men bodywasash giveves you 2424 hours of f nourishingg micromomoisture. That means youour skin still feelels healthyy and smooooth now. Now. And nowow too. 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[cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, before we go any further, please ave a seat before we go any further i want to say thanks to the cast of ted lasso for being here tonight for our cold open here. There are beastly they are always here but thank you for thanks, you guys onight. Folks, i spend most of my time sourcing the finest highland news barley, fermenting in the waters of having distilled by the legendary meditating and finished an oaky cast at delicately complex grand vintage single malt that is my monologue, but sometimes i snap awake enough middle school cafeteria, questionable old banana peels of swedish fish and a broken dora the explorer lunch pail which i stew in storm drain runoff and then pour into nike air max to offer you the swamp hooch of news that is my next segment. Meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen meanwhile. News from floridas poorly written fanfiction, arizona where local dairy queen is on the hunt for their missing red spoon statue. The spoon is 15 feet tall and surveillance cameras caught two people seen grabbing it and taking off on a small motorbike. Wait a second, was the motorbike mall or did it just seem that way because of the giant spoon . [laughter] meanwhile grade over the weekend hundreds of cases of beer spilled onto the antenna trained moment. I guess we were due, the rule is every ten trying to romans we get a fun one. [laughter] the train spilled hundreds of cases of beer into this local river, including a whole bunch of course light, but Authorities Say the water is fine and so is the river. Meanwhile, levis is going to start using ai models. They say theyre doing is to increase the number and diversity of models for their products. We came this close to actually hiring and paying diverse models and then we decided to have a macbook pro make some period of dont worry, we gave a race to the white guy who thought of it. Meanwhile, in romantic news at last nights opening opening dodgers game, a fan decided to propose to his girlfriend by running out onto the field. There he is, its all very romantic, the crowd is cheering and oh and yes surrey bob, Bachelor Party in the icu dont worry, they found the ring but they are still looking for his teeth. Meanwhile, in Good Samaritan news after an over driver picked up his customer at a Dialysis Center and heard the story, the driver donated his kidney to the passenger. Wow, somebody really wanted five stars. [laughter] meanwhile, in michigan, the baby was born in the parking lot of a costco. Just one . You are at costco. Get triplets, otherwise its not a deal now, everyone, everyone is fine. Evidently what happened was the couple was on their way to the hospital when they realized they would not make it in time, so they pulled over in the parking lot of the costco and contacted ems. That is crazy. They found parking at costco on a saturday . Evidently word is mom and baby are doing well and were taken to the hospital to recover but only after a costco associate checked their receipt. We will be right back with sports commentator stephen a. Smith, everybody [cheers and applause] v, i leararned i cn stay u undetectae wiwith fewer m medic. Thatats why i switcheded to dova. Dovato i is a complelete hiv treatment t for some a adults. No otherer complete e hivl uses f fewer medicicis to help p keep you undetectctable than n do. Dedetect this s most hiviv pills conontain 3 3 or 4 medicicines. Dovato is s as effectitive withth just 2. Ifif you have e hepatitis s, dodont stop d dovato withtht talking toto your doctctor. 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Brusush like a p pro. Psst hey y whatat if gettining insurance e is scary . . Whwhat if the e jargon makakee feel a alone and i in the dar . At state f farm, werere e for yoyour whwhat ifs. great t aaaaah like a a good neigighbor, state e farm is ththere. ® callll or clickk toto get a quouote today. New dove m men bodywasash giveves you 2424 hours of f nourishingg micromomoisture. That means youour skin still feelels healthyy and smooooth now. Now. And nowow too. Geget healthieier, smoooother feeliling skin alal. vo ultimate endless shrimp is here with a limited time flavor drop. New crispy dragon shrimp. One of seven endless choices for just 20. Right now, only at red lobster. Welcome to fun dining. Inez, let t me ask youou, yoyoure usingng head and shshoulders, r right . Ononly when i i see flakese. Then i i switch baback to my regugular shampopoo you shouldld use it evevery w, otherwisise the flakakes willll come backck. Hes r right, you u know. Is t that tiny t troy . Ththe ingredieients in head d and shouldlders keep t the microbebes that causese flakes atat. Microbeses, really . . Theyre e always onn yoyour scalp. Little rarasc. But goodod news, therees no itchihiness, dryness oror flakes dodown i lolove tiny trtroy. Hes the b best. Mamake every w wash count little h help, pleasase. [applause] stephen welcome back to the late show my first guest tonight is one of the biggest personalities in Sports Television and radio, he is the star of espns first take and the author of the new book, straight shooter, please welcome to the late show stephen a. Smith [cheers and applause] how are you doing . Stephen welcome i hit the big time i hit the big time, how you doing . Stephen im doing very well. Before we get started, i have something say. First of all, congratulations. Strong eight years, im a fan. Stephen thanks very much but more important, congratulations, you got a great name. Ph. Stephen thats right fico the va does not work. Stephen is lazy. You dont have time for the ph . Youve got to make time. If you got the ph, thats the real stephens of the world from everyone elses pretending. They call him steph curry, but it is spelled with a ph. Its me, its you and steph. I think were doing well. Stephen thats it. I think w