[screaming] but i wont back down announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Its getting hot in hur plus, stephen welcomes diane lane and Patton Oswalt featuring live louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen there you go there you go. Happy tuesday, happy tuesday. Tuesday. Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you, everybody out here, but they are. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, my friends. You are my friends. Romans, countrymen. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] today down in washington was yet another clownish attempt by the g. O. P. To draw some sort of moral equivalency between joe biden and donald trump. This time, they heard testimony from special counsel robert hur, who was the guy in charge of the investigation into president bidens handling of classified documents. In hurs report, he declined to charge biden with any crimes, but attacked the president s mental fitness, saying he presents as a sympathetic, wellmeaning, elderly man with a poor memory. That kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal Job Description of a special counsel. Itd be like your doctor saying, we ran some tests, mr. Johnson, and your cholesterol looks good. But i am worried about how ugly you are. Im gonna write you a prescription for bag over your head. Unlimited refills. Today, the g. O. P. Was hoping to use details from hurs report about bidens memory lapses to damage biden ahead of the president ial election. Yes, biden has been dangerously forgetful, unlike trump, who always remembers that hes running against obama, and unopposed, at that, since nancy pelosi dropped out. So there was a lot of drama leading up to the big moment. Heres the special counsel being introduced to the judiciary committee. Ladies and gentlemen, h. E. R. [laughter] stephen sounds kinda classy when she does it. Republicans pressed hur with a sharp line of questioning. Did joe biden commit crimes in an alternate universe . If you have the same facts, and the individual that you were investigating was 65 and had a good memory, do you reach the same conclusion . If this president was 60 years old instead of 80 years old, would your prosecute him . Stephen ill follow up. What if joe biden was a strapping young buck, age 35, sunbleached hair, washboard abs, that little vcut muscle down here, i mean, tight. With fire in his eyes and a soul full of sin . Would you be tempted to charge him with unforgivable crimes of sultry passion . Now. [cheering] right there, that little cut like you could snap off a leg. Hur refused to engage in hypotheticals, but today, he did release the full transcript of his interviews with the president. And, what do know, its not as oldmanforgetsalot as his summary made it out to be. At one point, hur even complimented bidens memory specifically saying you appear to have a photographic understanding and recall. So the exact opposite of his report. At this point,im worried about hurs cognitive ability. Did anyone ask him to identify a whale . [cheers and applause] whale the transcripts revealed that biden remembered a lot of details. He described a submarine deal in australia, curbing chinese influence in africa, the improvement of solar facilities in angola, and the president twice mimicked the sounds of a car. [loudly] loved angola, jack. Visited two photovoltaic electricity plants that generate over 500 megawatts of renewable power. [softly] also, cars go vroomvroom, thats number one. No, no, im serious, folks. thats number one. Number two they go beepbeep. [cheers and applause] really . The car noises were apparently part of a lengthy exchange over the torque of electric vehicles, in which biden asked, you know how it works . To which hur responded, sir, id love i would love, love to hear much more about this, but i do have a few more questions to get through. Look, im no fan of hur, but the guy had a tough job. Uh, mr. President , with all due respect, might it be possible to answer the question without a trip to the basement to see the model trains . No . Okay. Biden also regaled hur with details of a trip to mongolia, saying, were out in the middle of nowhere and theyre looking up on the hill. Its a 20mile horse race with all these kids under the age of 16 on bareback racing to come down. And you know, there are sumo wrestlers doin everything they do. So they walked over and they had a target with bales of hay a hundred yards away and. I get handed the bow and arrow. Im not a bad archer. That, of course, in response to the question, sir, would you like a glass of water . The president also joked about the fbi search of his stuff saying, i just hope you didnt find any risque pictures of my wife in a bathing suit, which you probably did. Shes beautiful. [cheers and applause] what a strange day it must hve been for those agents. Sir, we found several boxes of classified documents. Uh, also bathing suit photos of jill from rehoboth in 1997 in a folder labeled tax documents hubba hubba. Now of course. Of course, unlike joe biden, donald trump was charged for illegally retaining classified material, and ooh, boy, do he seem guilty. Because a former maralago employee and a central witness in the case just just told cnn that the American People have the right to know the facts and this is not a witch hunt. [cheering] its clearly. I mean, come on. I think we all know this is clearly not a witch hunt. Unless. Wait, is trump a witch . Wait, are these incantations . Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Bing, bing, bing, bung, fsheeee xeon, xeonening, vadoon, kadang. Ahhhh. Stephen judges . A witch a witch a witch [cheers and applause] stephen thatll clean up nicely. Now, the witnesss name is brian butler thats right, the butler did it previously known in Court Documents only as trump employee number five. Trump employee number five, by the way, also chanels worstselling fragrance. If butlers interview is any indication of his testimony, trump is, to use a legal term, screwed up the wazoo. Butler says he and others moved boxes from maralago to the airport at the same time that federal investigators were visiting trump to discuss returning the classified material. That is insane hes doing the exact crime hes beng investigated for while hes being investigated for the crime. Identity theft . Officer i would never i swear on your mothers maiden name, which is. What again . If thats not bad enough, in exchange for butlers loyalty, trump may have dangled the promise of legal representation as a reward. Though i gotta say trump picking your lawyer is about the worst reward i can imagine. Okay, do want the one who drinks so much that he pees shiraz, the one who farts in court, or the one whose head is dripping with mystery ooze . Trick question its all the same guy. [cheering] the former president s legal bills have been piling up. Theyre a money pit. And word on the street is that the Trump Campaign is so light on cash that the former president may not be able to hold many of the signature rallies he so enjoys. Ohhh. Stephen imagine what thats going to do to trumps already fragile psyche. To get the approval he so desperately needs, hes going to have to rally door to door. Hello, citizen, do you have a moment for me to tell you how windmills are destroying our failing nation . Bing, bong, fshew can i use your bathroom . Spoiler ill be flushing like 10, 15 times. Heres something. Heres something. For those of you who are royal watchers. I know you are, louis. Im afraid ive got some troubling news about englands royal family. I know youre its your lifes passion. As we were talking about yesterday, the kingdom has been aflutter by the seeming disappearance of kate middleton. Well, now, internet sleuths are guessing that kates absence may be related to her husband and the future king of england, william, having an affair. Ohhh. Stephen oh, my heart goes out to poor kate. Now lets dish the hot goss i am ready to spill the tea literally fabrizio bring it out. There you go. Thank you, fabrizio thank you. You may go. Go, go, go, go. Im not gonna share the stage with someone so handsome. So, i think we all know who the alleged other woman is. Say it with me the marchioness of cholmondeley. What a beautiful name that i am being told that ive pronounced incorrectly. It is in fact pronounced chumley. Counterpoint no, its not. Learn english, england. There have been rumors of an affair between william and the marching band of chicanery since 2019. According to tabloids, back then, when kate supposedly confronted him about it, he laughed it off saying there was nothng to it. Always a good response when your wife accuses you of cheating. [british accent] ha ha. Imagine me having an affair. It is too laugh. It reminds me of a jape. Knock knock, whos there . Oh, its my illegitimate son. Ive knocked up my mistress. The marcusmumford of chumbawumba is an old friend of the royals and shes married to a close friend of williams, david rocksavage. Really . Rocksavage. That sounds less like a british noble and more like a musician from the flintstones. Rocksavage. Im sorry, im being told its actually pronounced chumley. We got a great show for you tonight [cheering] my guests are diane lane and comedian Patton Oswalt. Heres the thing. Now usually we would go to commercial now, but if youd like, we could do more show. What do you guys think . More show stephen okay, great but are you okay if theres some corporate sponsorship . Corporate sponsorship stephen wow, okay. Let me ask you a personal question. How do you feel about nissan . Official partner of march madness stephen well, if youre that into it. Folks, heres the thing. [cheering] heres the thing. Heres the thing with me and this show. I dont usually pay that much attention to sports. But i took a keen interest in sport the moment cbs told me that a major sponsor of tonights show is nissan, the official partner of march madness. And thats why tonight, were gonna introduce my highly profitable, hastily assembled segment talkin sportz [cheers and applause] first talkin on the sportz, two University Professors have released a study claiming that nba teams are taking too many threepoint shots. Their research was published in the prestigious new england journal of can you even dunk, bro . The professors argue that, statistically, players score more by attempting 2pointers than 3pointers, and the actual title of the paper is estimating nba team shot selection efficiency from aggregations of true, continuous shot charts. Fun basketball would be so much more exciting if the commentary sounded like this. Mcgrady for the win. And it is. An aggregation of efficient shot selections next sportz were talkin l. A. Dodger superstar Shohei Ohtani recently revealed hes married, in a surprise announcement. I dont know why people were surprised. Ohtanis announcement even caught his coach by surprise. Dodger manager dave roberts said as far as wedding gifts, we got surprised and didnt have much time to think about it. Im sure its en route. Sounds like somebodys scrambling for a wedding gift. I hope ohtani and his wife enjoy their his and hers ice cream helmets. Up next, french president Emmanuel Macron promised to swim in the seine river to prove its clean enough for the olympics next summer. Lovely gesture. Unfortunately, the seine will be even less sanitary once its clogged with his chest hair. Oooh, he did not fake the funk on that nasty dunk. Boom shaka laka stephen what is happening . Its madness season, steve its everywhere. So were here to provide indepth analysis of your jokes, from the leading Commentary Team in sports. Im larry boberry. And im gary nannafanafoferry. And we are coming to you live, courtesy of nissan, official partner of march madness. Stephen thanks, fellas. Obviously we love nissan around here, dont we . But i really dont need you analyzing my jokes so why dont you, as they say, make like a basketball and leave. Oooh, we just got posterized i feel both ashamed and exhilarated like skinnydipping at a Family Reunion will we be added to a list of characters permanently banned from the premises . Only time will tell. Speaker looks like we are getting a ride from lea seong. Official partner for being ejected from the premises. Something in the rulebook that says a dog cant drive. Driver, to phoenix for the ncaa final. We have a date with basketball. Stephen that was more sh show. Say hello to louis cato and the late show band, everybody welcome back. Welcome back for more show. Ive got one thing, one thing over there. Louis, good to see you. Tonight we have two wonderful guests, the incredible actress diane lane from truman versus the swans. After that an amazing comedian, Patton Oswald will be out here. From ghostbusters frozen empire. Folks, if youre one of those people who has a cell phone or the internet, you might be interested in the big news from congress, because tomorrow the house is voting on a bill that could ban tiktok in the u. S. Or as most members of congress put it. The tiktoks have to go. The orange ones are the only ones that taste good and when i drop the box they go clickety clack and everybody stares at me at the matinee. No more tiktoks banning one of the most popular social media apps in the world would set a huge precedent and have a massive impact on american life. Without tik tok, where else would i learn about actual trends like cooking chicken in nyquil . Or future trends like calling the ambulance after someone cooks chicken in nyquil . The bill is a response to fears that tiktoks owner company, bytedance, could share user data such as browsing history, location, and biometric identifiers with chinas authoritarian government. Oh, god. China could spy on us or brainwash our youth with propaganda, or worst of all, put us on a mailing list. Ni hao, stephen. Old navy capris are now 4 for 1. To unsubscribe, pledge your undying loyalty to xi jinping. Pledge, pledge, pledge and congress means business. The bill would force the chinese owners of tiktok to sell the platform or face being barred in the united states. They want all social Media Companies to have only american owners. Like mark zuckerberg, elon musk, or abraham linkedin. Well, heres the thing. The folks at tiktok is pissed. This week, tiktok sent push notifications urging its users to call their representatives. Genius what better way to dispel the idea that they are covertly influencing american politics than overtly influencing american politics. Heres what the push notification said. Congress is planning a total ban of tiktok. Speak up now, before your government strips 170 million of their constitutional right to free expression. Well said, because this is what the founders intended. As James Madison wrote in the ederalist papers, the people must have freedom to throw cheese slices at their babies inside a magic rectangle whose proprietors reside in the mysterious, faraway realm of cathay. Well, tiktok, they got people in a froth, because lawmakers say theyve been deluged with calls from tiktok users, from teenagers to the elderly, and most are really confused and are calling because tiktok told me to. Hello, congress . I am outraged that you think that my addiction to an app could make me a pawn of the Chinese Government. The Chinese Government assures me thats not true also, taiwan has always been a part of china. Good day, sir a lot of these calls werent even from voters. Florida congressman neal dunns office said they has received more than 900 calls from tiktokers, many of which were schoolaged children. Okay, thats weird, but its actually the best Case Scenario of what your teenager is doing in their room with the door locked. Billy . What are you doing in there . Dont come in, mom im calling congressman neil dunn privacy please im furiously calling congressman neil dunn but it wasnt just kids calling. One staffer said that the most aggressive and threatening calls their office received came from adult women. Which makes sense. If you spend any time on tiktok, you know that the most unhinged users are grownass millennials who still describe themselves by their hogwarts house. Youre 37, megan. Youre not in hufflepuff. Youre in marketing. Whatever happens in congress, this is a very complex issue and its a lot for you to take in, so we made a Little Something to explain it. America is doing a vibe check cause spying sounds sus deadass stephen hope that clears things up. Well be right back with diane lane announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by nissan. Nissan official partner of march madness. [buzzer] game time. No two bodies are the same. Some pads, never got that message. But, always flexfoam did it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. And it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. 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