Well, stephen, as you may have heard, tomorrow night is the Series Finale of young sheldon. Stephen of course. Ive got my viewing party all planned. Its byob. Bring your own bazinga but what i meant was what are you doing here . Well, im preparing for my next role. Its as another prequel in the cbs universe. Stephen ooh, young tracker . No. Stephen young equalizer . Nope. Stephen young bob hearts Young Abishola . No. Young Stephen Colbert. Stephen well, i know youre talented, but do you really have what it takes to portray me . Im pretty complex. Dont worry. Ive studied countless hours of footage so i can capture your essence with the utmost accuracy. Stephen well, id love to see that. Okay. [clears throat] i love lord of the rings stephen wow that is uncanny congratulations. This show is going to be huge note to self learn how to walk like a pigeon with a wedgy. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Up for debates plus, stephen welcomes George Stephanopoulos and Michelle Buteau featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen oh, my god. Have a good show. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. I am host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, today, my friends, is an historic day, because the debate over debating is finally over. Joe biden and donald trump have agreed to two president ial debates yeah, my friends, boom. Just like that. Theyre goin head to head toe to toe mano a mango these two men last debated back in october, october, right . Of 2020. We all remember gathering with our friends and family on the couch to say oh, god, i hope this doesnt happen again in four years. Trump has been challenging President Biden for months now, and today, biden accepted by releasing this video, where he took a swipe at trumps court schedule. Donald trump lost two debates to me in 2020. Since then, he hasnt shown up for a debate. Now hes acting like he wants to debate me again. Well, make my day, pal. Ill even do it twice. So, lets pick the dates, donald. I hear youre free on wednesdays. [laughter and applause] stephen for my reaction to that, join me over at the damn cam. Damn trump jumped right on the offer, posting, just tell me when, ill be there. Lets get ready to rumble rumble . Ive seen your rallies. I think you mean lets get ready to ramble. Folks, when you think masterlock, you think of the late, great Hannibal Lecter. Dont we . He came to me with tears in his eyes, big guy, big cannibal said sir, dont eat that hot dog cause you cant flush toilets anymore. Biden had some conditions in willing to debate saying he wanted no audience, and that it should occur inside a tv studio, with microphones that automatically cut off when a speakers time limit elapses. [applause] wow. No mic, thats it. Imagine trump with his mic cut. Hes going to look like the worlds angriest mime. [no audio] [cheering] the candidates have now agreed to two debates, one in june, one in september. But that wasnt enough for donald trump who this afternoon tried to slip in a third debate, posting, i hereby accept debating Crooked Joe Biden on fox news. The date will be wednesday, october 2nd. You cant just unilaterally set a date that only works for you nick, julie, congrats on your engagement your wedding will be next week in my backyard shed, and itll be broadcast on fox news congratulations. [applause] big fox news fans. Big fox news fans. Now, as biden mentioned, wednesday is a day off for trumps trial. Everybodys still talking about yesterdays explosive crossexamination of former trump lawyer and greek tragedy mask, Michael Cohen. Trumps defense attorney todd blanche started the crossexamination by introducing himself and then announcing to cohen, on april 23rd, you went on tiktok and called me a crying little [bleep], to which cohen nodded and said, sounds like something i would say. Jim . Damn [applause] even though the sparks were flying, politico said that trump seemed to doze off as his nemesis faced crossexamination. This is supposed to be the final standoff with his worst enemy, and trump is asleep. It reminds me of this climactic confrontation from star wars. You cant win, darth. If you strike me down, ishall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. [snoring] stephen people forgets. Theres nothing like the original. The prosecution says that cohen is going to be their final witness, which led reporters to ask trump the obvious question. Do you plan to testify, mr. Trump . Well, thank you very much. As you know, im under a gag order so i cant as really answer those very simple questions that youre asking. Stephen fun fact thats not part of the gag order. Trumps just using it as an excuse to dodge any question he doesnt want to answer. Fathers day is coming up. Dad. Do you want to go to runch with me . Sorry, im under a gag order. In that if had to watch you gummin your way through brunch, i would gag. [applause] Hannibal Lecter comes up to me. On the international front, yesterday during a trip to ukraine, secretary of state Antony Blinken rocked out on guitar during a surprise performance at a kyiv basement bar. Keep on rockin in the free world keep on rockin in the free world thats the kind of soulful musicality that makes dad bands everywhere go wait. Is that what we look like . If you thought that performance was a little bit of a letdown, youre not alone. According to the band he was playing with, they had no idea that blinken would be crashing their concert, saying, we thought, and we were messaged, that it would be neil young. We were disappointed. I dont blame them. They expected legendary rocker neil young, but they got secretary of state Antony Blinken. Its the worst switcheroo since nsync replaced Justin Timberlake with secretary of state Antony Blinken. [applause] hes got the moves. Yesterday, here in new york was the Westminster Dog Show and best in show went to a miniature poodle named sage so majestic. There she is, telling the judge, please find the person who gave me this haircut and bring them to justice. But the real excitement came from the agility competition, which for the first time, was won by a mixedbreed dog. Take a look. The crowd is going crazy cynthia is way out ahead. You got to get this dog walk. They do are they gonna get a sub30 . Look at this they do oh, my god stephen that is beautiful. I love that. How do they get the dog to run that fast . Oh, im being told one of the judges was kristi noem. [applause] now. I am going to miss those jokes. In other animal news orcas, the black and white cookies of the sea. Since 2020, there have been multiple instances of a group of orcas off the coast of spain banding together to attack boats. And its still happening. Because on sunday and bear in mind everyones fine a yacht sank after being rammed by orcas in the strait of gibraltar. That would be the best episode of below deck med ever. All right, guys, one of the primaries is being chewed up by shamu and the other is dry humping the chef in the hot tub. Okay, lets plate these napoleons. [laughter] [applause] [laughter and cheering] we had a bet in rehearsal of how many napoleons connive plate before the crowd gave up on me. Three. The answer is three. The yacht in question was named the alboran cognac. Which is the douchiest possible yacht name next to the s. S. The housekeeper is actually like family to us. Researchers think the mastermind of the recent attacks may be a female theyve named white gladis. Which is also what your mom keeps on calling the white lotus. Your dad and i are really enjoying that white gladis. Especially that one actress, jessica coolranch the rights to this story have already been acquired by hollywood and of course will be recounted in the new movie flee, willy we got a great show for you tonight my guests are George Stephanopoulos and comedian Michelle Buteau. But when we come back, i track down the elusive Rudy Giuliani. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert, sponsored by mikes hard lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. [cheers and applause] stephen say hello to louis cato and the late show band, everybody. Nice to see you. Coming up shortly, just shortly here weve got from the new movie babes, Michelle Buteau will be out here. One of the greats, lovely gaston perfect person to have on right now, mr. George stephanopoulos will be out here in just a moment. Talk about the world, you know, and all thats in it. Folks everybody who knows me knows im big into hiphop. The rippityraps, as we call it. Which is why i was devastated to learn that an obituary has appeared in the Detroit Free Press for eminems fictional alter ego slim shady. If only the authorities thought to contact his doctor. But, sadly, they forgot about dre. Now, the heartless buzzards of the Media Industry claim that eminem is just running this fake obituary to promote his upcoming album, the death of slim shady coup de grace. Minem, as he has repeatedly told me not to call him, is a true artist. He would never stoop to emotionally manipulating his fans for a few streams. Plus, no major media figure is gonna be dumb enough to fall for this obit and promote the death of slim shady coup de grace, available later this summer. [cheers and applause] no, this obit is real and can mean only one thing. Will the real slim shady please stand up . Now im slim shady yes im the real shady all you other slim shadys are just imitating [cheers and applause] wont the real slim shady please stand up which means, all the royalties for that music should be sent to the real slim shady, care of Stephen Colbert, the ed sullivan theater, new york, new york. Or just go to times square and look for the building with my name on it. Speaking of people who are not technically dead, Rudy Giuliani, seen here as a celebrity spokesmodel for corpse teeth. Corpse teeth theyre free back in december, rudy declared bankruptcy after being ordered to pay 148 million to two poll workers whom he defamed. But so far, rudy hasnt paid a cent of the judgment and the judge overseeing his bankruptcy case is losing his patience. And yesterday, the judge warned rudy that he is disturbed that so little progress has been made in sorting out his finances. That is amazing. A man who has been looking into the affairs of Rudy Giuliani every day for months still has the capacity to be disturbed . The judge is pod because, while rudy claims poverty and refuses to pay the judgment, he has reportedly been spending funds to pay his girlfriends credit card bill. Which raises the question who is Rudy Giulianis girlfriend . Guys, come here. Id like for you to meet my new girlfriend swiffer with googly eyes. She lives in a closet in a beautiful abandoned Office Building in hells kitchen. I woke up, and it was love at first sight. I will admit our relationship is mostly physical. Shes a wet jet. Last week. Were all adults. Last week, Rudy Giuliani lost his radio show on wabc, but his attorneys insist that rudys trying to pay up, claiming he has additional work lined up to bring in money, but they didnt say what kind of work that was. Okay, this is just a guess, but it is only a few months until Spirit Halloween opens, and they always need window displays. Even if rudy does somehow scrape up the scratch to pay this judgment, he has a host of other legal troubles. Last month in arizona, he was indicted for trying to overturn the 2020 election. But now, arizona Officials Say they cant find giuliani to serve him with the official indictment notice. Rudys missing . And not only that, but rudygiuliahni has the same number of syllables as carmen sandiego, so i am legally obligated to make my band play this. Well, he goes from bar to bar got his teeth from a dead horsey then he stumbles down the street while he farts and smokes cigars his best friends are a rat and a jug of carlo rossi tell me where in the world is. Rudy giuliani [cheers and applause] stephen actually its surprising they cant find rudy because he hasnt exactly been discreet about his whereabouts. This is how he started his twitter livestream yesterday. Good afternoon, this is Rudy Giuliani with the Rudy Giuliani show live from palm beach. Yup, from palm beach, just a mile from maralago. Just 40 steps from the intercoastal and about a third of a mile from the atlantic ocean. Stephen if arizona prosecutors are watching, im 25 feet east of the chipotle off south dixie highway, across the street from a red toyota camry. Im waving my hand out the window. Do you see me . No . Okay, ill drop a pin. Youll know youve gone too far if you hit the atrrrantic ocean. Well be right back with George Stephanopoulos this is remington. Hes a member of the family, for sure. We always fed them kibble it just seemed like the thing to do. But. He was getting picky we heard about the farmers dog. And it was a complete transformation. His coat was so soft, he had amazing energy. He was a completely different dog. Its a nobrainer that remi should have the most nutritious and Delicious Food possible. Im investing in my dogs health and happiness. Are you tired of your hair breaking after waiting years for it to grow . 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I did it my way on your period, sudden gushes happen. Say goodbye gush fears thanks to always ultra thins. With rapiddry technology. That absorbs two times faster. Hellooo clean and comfortable. Always. Fear no gush. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. Folks. My first guest tonight is an emmyaward winning journalist you know from this week and good morning america. Please welcome back to the late show, George Stephanopoulos. [cheers and applause] george, its always good to see you. George great to be back. Stephen whenever i see your name and i get to talk to i think back to one of the first things i saw that got me interested in politics, the documentary the war room. I get to say please welcome George Stephanopoulos. That gives me a little thrill. George it gives me a thrill to be here. Stephen excellent. Weve got the book will talk about in the second. Its called the situation room, literally about the situation room in the white house. George not wolf blitzer. Stephen that would also be a great book. Situation room 2. You know about elections but working for clinton, you are an advisor in the white house. Here you are with clinton and gore. Leon panetta. You spent 28 years reporting on politics, including the president ial elections. Every election we say, this is the most important election of our lifetimes. George cubit. He won this one feels like this is the most important one. George beyond anything weve ever seen in our entire lives. Go back to George Washington who gave up the presidency, trying to set an example. Stephen i only do two. George peaceful transfer of power. This is the first time weve ever had a former president , president ial candidate who tried to overturn the election, indicted for it and impeached for it. First time weve ever had a former president or President Shall candidate who lies about the last election that he lost and refuses to pledge these going to accept the result if he loses again. Stephen and metastasize is that american heresy to everyone around him. George creates all the disinformation gets people to come on board, has a whole army of neighbors who come on, even if they were critical of what happened january 6th 3 years ago. Now come on and say its not a big deal. Its okay. Thats fundamental. Peaceful transfer of power is what our democracy is about. Its the bedrock of our democracy. [applause] stephen that must pose a challenge for you, say on this week when you have people on who you know are promulgating that kind of life and wont themselves at that theyll accept the results of the election this time. How does that change the way you interview people . George have had a new rule and you can see it and the ones ive done over the last several months. Those are going to be the first questions i ask every single time. Do you accept the last election . [applause] why are you endorsing someone who refuses to accept the last election . Why are you endorsing someone whos been indicted for trying to overturn the last election . If they can answer those questions, im not going to move on to tax policy, environmental policy or anything like that. Stephen that is the base code. Youve interviewed donald trump multiple times. Heres the two of you. I dont know why you decided to interview him back in one of those horse carr