To walk, but here we are. This is the captain. I understand you forgot your grocery list. Were gonna circle back. Uh, tom price, we are currently next in line for the arbys drive through, the bourbon barbecue brisket and order of curly fries. Correct . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes jim parsons, pamela adlon and musical guest the killers, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thank you, sir hey hows it going . Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the late show, im Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff now, folks, right off the bean here, id like to wish my jewish viewers a happy Rosh Hashanah. I hope im pronouncing that correctly. I dont know, none of my jewish writers are here today. laughter piano riff of course, Rosh Hashanah is the jewish new year. So happy 5778, everybody cheers and applause im so glad. Im so glad its 5778. 5777 sucked. laughter piano riff but things are looking up, especially with the russia investigation. As you know, special Counsel Robert Mueller has been unearthing all sorts of dirt on the Trump Campaigns ties to russia. cheers and applause huge. Huge russia fans here tonight. And it just came out that mueller requested documents from the white house related to 13 different areas in which investigators are seeking information. Including some of the biggest stories since trump took office. Classics like the trump tower meeting with the russian lawyer, sally yates warning the white house about michael flynn, the Oval Office Meeting with the russian ambassador, my house by flo rida, the firing of james comey, flynns fbi interview, literally anything having to do with paul manafort, and so much more. Its all collected on now thats what i call collusion volume 45. cheers and applause laughter piano riff jon thats what i call it stephen available wherever c. D. S are still sold. So im gonna say starbucks. laughter what nun of you at home could see is my stage manager has this a shot of mark over here my stage manager had this in his pocket and he could not get it out of his pocket the entire time and i wasnt sure whether he didnt have the prop or whether the man was having a stroke. Youre okay . Youre fine. laughter all right, now, thats funnier than any joke i will tell tonight. laughter muller seems to be closing in on former Trump Campaign manager and draculas fun uncle, paul manafort. And well he should because, yesterday, we found out that, even though he repeatedly said, no contact with russians, his emails now reveal that, while he was Trumps Campaign manager, manafort offered to give a russian billionaire private briefings on the 2016 campaign. The billionaire . Oleg deripaska, whos among the two to three oligarchs putin turns to on a regular basis. Its two to three, depending on whos been poisoned this week. Now, while manafort made the i like private briefings, thats what you get in the champagne room at man forts house. Now, while manafort made the offer, we dont know if these briefings ever happened, and manaforts Spokesman Says these emails just reflected an innocuous effort to collect past debts. You know, an innocuous effort to trade president ial campaign secrets for cash. He was just going back and forth between the man who he worked for and the man he secretly worked for like a messenger on a bike. He was just pedaling back and forth. He was whats the word he was influence peddling. He did try to hide it. One of the emails contains cryptic mentions of black caviar, which investigators believe is a veiled reference to payments manafort hoped to receive. Either that, or black caviar describes how steve bannon reproduces. laughter jon, wasnt that your stripper name . Black caviar . Jon yeah, back in the day, going through juilliard. Stephen you were younger. Jon yeah. Needed the money. Stephen pianos arent cheap. Jon lessons either. Stephen no photos or anything . Stephen . Jon no. Stephen okay, good. And manaforts emails are not exactly subtle about these payments. One refers to the person who gave you the biggest black caviar jar several years ago. Come on, you cant use a term for something very expensive as a standin for money. laughter yeah, ill take care of that thing we talked about, its going to cost you 10,000 diamonds, if you catch my meaning. laughter a whole lot of gold. laughter piano riff but im sure manafort will explain this away. When it comes to the Trump Campaigns ties to russia, he always has a smooth answer. So to be clear, mr. Trump has no Financial Relationships with any russian oligarchs . Thats what he said. Thats what i said. Thats obviously. Our position is. Stephen you silvertongued devil. laughter yeah. Thats why he gets paid the long caviar. Jon hey, hey stephen theres good news in healthcare, you still have it but not for long. Republicans say theyre going to vote on the latest attempt to replace obamacare next week. The new bill is called grahamcassidy stills and nash want nothing to do with it and its gotten a lot of criticism. Like from these people. The President Trump is standing by the bills authors, tweeting senator, doctor, bill cassidy is a class act who really cares about people and their health care, he doesnt lie, just wants to help people of course, hes referencing the classic cbs sitcom, senator doctor. In season 2, he solves crime on senator doctor, private eye. And you can trust trumps opinion when it comes to doctors. Remember, his primary care physician is this guy. laughter hello okay piano riff all right, try to relax. laughter practically every medical organization opposes this bill, so why are republicans pushing so hard to get it through . The answer comes from iowa senator and bargaining you down on that butter churn chuck grassley, who explained, you know, i could maybe give you ten reasons why this bill shouldnt be considered, but republicans campaigned on this so often that you have a responsibility to carry out what you said in the campaign. Honey, i can give you ten reasons why i shouldnt give you this pony, but i promised you one, so enjoy your alligator. Saddle up laughter applause we have a great show. Are you okay . Old sheldon himself, jim parsons is here. But when we come back, ill be digging into your privacy. Stick around cheers and applause band playing remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The new moto z with motomods. Get a moto z play for only 10 a month. No tradein required. Right. In. Your. Stomach watch this . Yikes, that ice cream was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real ice cream, without that annoying lactose. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. But their nutritional needs vremain instinctual. D, thats why theres purina one true instinct. Nutrientdense, proteinrich, real meat number one. This is a different breed of natural nutrition. Purina one, true instinct. Fran grenier. New jersey born and raised. Like his father before him, he served our country with honor in the navy. Came home and worked his way up from floor technician to supervisor at the salem power plant. As a husband and father, grenier knows how families struggle to make ends meet. Thats why hell fight to cut our taxes, and stand up to career politicians like steve sweeney. If we want to change trenton, theres only one way. Fran grenier. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause jon, im really excited. Weve got, coming up here, from Young Sheldon, we have old Sheldon Jim Parsons coming up here in a bit. Jon Young Sheldon, old sheldon. Stephen he plays the young version of himself. I totally believe hes nine years old. Raw talent. If you dont know, already, we have a new book here at the late show with Stephen Colbert. Its Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause it is a steal. Its cheap. So fantastic. If youve never been to confession you will learn what confession is like. Its more fun than actual confession. You know what . This makes a great Rosh Hashannah present. If none of your jewish friends know what to atone for, its made to order, a time saver, youre losing money if you dont buy this thing. Jon right. laughter i spend so much time upset about politics that sometimes its nice to just take a break, relax for a second, and be hysterically depressed about something else. Today that something is equifax. You guys know about equifax . cheers and applause yeah, good. Because they know about you. The massive Credit Reporting Agency was hacked, which has exposed 143 Million People to identity theft. That means half the u. S. Population could have their identity stolen which means, if you turn to the person next to you. That might be you again. laughter folks, this is big. As one fraud analyst said, on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of risk to consumers, this is a 10. A 10 which is also your credit score after this hack. laughter so what exactly was compromised . Only everyones credit card information and Social Security numbers as well as names, birthdates, and addresses. So changing your passwords wont help and its not like i can change my birth date it is and always will be may 13th. 1985. laughter cheers and applause piano riff laughter at least once they realized theyd been hacked, equifax rushed to get the word out on september 7th. After they discovered it on july 29th. They waited five weeks hello, 911, id like to report a car accident theres blood everywhere. Yeah, it was about five weeks ago. Someone should really do something. By the way, how do i get dried blood out of your upholstery . So thats horrendous, almost as horrendous as never saying anything about how they suffered another hack five months earlier, which involved the same intruders. audience reacts no, come on, you know what they say fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, i am you because i just stole your identity. laughter applause and it gets worse. cheers and applause identity theft. And it gets worse, believe it or not. The senate is now calling on the securities and Exchange Commission to investigate the fact that three equifax managers sold Company Stock right before the cyberhack was revealed. audience reacts oh, there is leadership. Thank god these people arent pilots. Ah, ladies and gentleman, pay no attention to those mountains were approaching. The copilot and i are going to keep everybody safe by stepping outside and making sure these parachutes are working. laughter piano riff applause now there are things you can do to protect yourself. Like set a freeze on your credit so thieves cant mess with it. But last week, people who tried to set up those freezes through equifax discovered they had to pay equifax for the privilege of protecting themselves. audience reacts so they made you pay them to protect you. From them . Thats not a Credit Rating agency, thats the mafia cheers and applause piano riff it explains their new slogan, equifax nice Credit Rating you got here. Itd be a real shame if something happened to it. laughter equifax tried to fix things by setting up a website for customers to get information about the hack called equifaxsecurity2017dotcom because wesuckatourjobsdotbiz was taken. Unfortunately, by setting it up on a separate domain instead of hosting it on equifax. Com, equifax made it super easy for bad guys to set up fake sites that seem like equifaxsecurity2017dotcom, which someone did, calling it securityequifax2017dotcom, and equifax directed their own customers to the fake site audience reacts so then equifax issued an apology, saying, we apologize for the confusion, please be cautious of visiting other websites claiming to be operated by equifax. Also, please be really cautious of visiting websites that are operated by equifax. laughter cheers and applause heres the deal well, at least you still have litigation as the last line of protection. Maybe. Because equifax is waging a Concerted Campaign to repeal federal regulations upholding consumers rights to sue. Uh uh no our right to sue is what makes us american. laughter applause its up there with freedom of speech and the right to substitute onion rings for salad. applause for what are onion rings but fried salad . laughter the problem is Credit Rating companies have a monopoly on harvesting your personal information so they can sell it to companies who want to sell you stuff. You arent equifaxs customer. You are equifaxs product. Were all like factory farm chickens going, i love the free bird seed. This place has Great Customer service gotta say those whirling blades coming up seem awfully low. Manager manager applause is that a hook . Jon better watch that hook applause stephen with so many corporations selling, leaking, or allowing your private date to be stolen, it seems theres no way to preserve your privacy. Until now. Welcome to identivault. Im thomas murphy. Or am i . Maybe i stole that. Were the only company guaranteed to keep your information safe. No phones, no internet, no contact. Before identity fault i was having to change my password and change my i. D. With the plan, it was easy to move us to the middle of nowhere where, frankly, data privacy is the least of our concerns. I go toilet in a hole. Git git off my land ill tell you what my name is my name is buckshot in your as gunfire brrkt identity fault, no one can steal everything you have if everything you have is nothing identity fault has just been hacked. Back with jim parsons cheerpz during our made to move 2017 clearance event, you can do endless online research. Or, you can take advantage of our best offer ever on an xt5. Dont wait. Our 2017 models will be moving fast. You can drive a car. Or you can drive a cadillac. Come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect cadillac xt5 for your next adventure. Choose a low mileage lease on this xt5 for around 339 per month. Get ttake 40 off cartersings save on jumping beans tops and bottoms and cuddl duds plush throws are just 24. 99. Plus, take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more youll get kohls cash too right now, at kohls. Mom,on my Car Insurance of money by switching to geico. I should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico can help you save money on your Homeowners Insurance too . Great geico can help insure our mountain chalet how long have we been sawing this log . Um, one hundred and fourteen years. Man i thought my arm would be a lot more jacked by now. Im not even sure this is real wood. Theres no butter in this churn. Do my tris look okay . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Start the interview with a firm handshake. Ay,no dont do that try head shoulders instant relief. It cools on contact, and also keeps you 100 flake free. Try head shoulders instant relief. For cooling relief in a snap. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as sheldon from the big bang theory. Starting monday, you can also hear him on Young Sheldon. When i figured out that trains allowed me to prove newtons first law, an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force, i felt like Neil Armstrong on the moon alone and happy. Sheldon, dinners ready laughter i dont care how dim witted you are, scientific principles have to make you smile. Stephen please welcome jim parsons cheers and applause band playing stephen hi ya how sweet is he . Isnt he cute . Stephen i have met him several times. He is an absolutely doorbell. He is so cute. He really is. Stephen hes so selfpossessed, so engaging, he could be a tv star or the mayor of someplace. I. I was talking to somebody backstage, is he not nice . First of all, hes nine. Stephen somebody asked you if this child was nice . Fire them immediately no, its a fair question. Funny you ask because he and his mother have an agreement. She said, whats our agreement . He said, as long as im a nice person, i can keep doing this. Stephen wow do we really need to know any more than that . Stephen i should make the same agreement with my mom. Thats really nice. Listen, since the last time i saw you was at the beginning of the summer. Congratulations, you got married. Yes. Stephen mazel tov. Thank you. Stephen fantastic. How long have you been in a relationship . We have been together 15 years in november. Stephen wow yeah. Stephen other than legal reasons, what took you so long . Well, honest, i really didnt think we cared about the act of it that much, to be honest with you. And that sounds cold in a way, but i finally thought, well, lets have a party, then, for the celebration of and well go ahead and legalize this thing. Stephen right. I really thought it ended that kind of a party feel, but it was so much more meaningful in the moment to me than i predicted and its been resonantly more meaningful afterward than i ever saw coming. I have been an adult gay person for so long in a time where that wasnt possible that life was fine. You know what i mean . I got along fine, and our relationship did. Reporter you were in a relationship for many years without getting married. What changed for you, now that you and todd are married . Whats different about the relationship . I dont know on a specific daytoday sense what it is. I dont know that there is anything. There is an underlying thing, a little buzz of something that i know. I keep reminding myself of it and i kind of forget, and then, were a legal thing, just like mom and dad were whatever. cheers and applause did you fe