Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20180

KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert January 6, 2018

Tonight, trumps days of fury. Plus, stephen welcomes Neil Degrasse tyson. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody how are you . Welcome, mark. Hey good to see you. That was good. Chris, fantastic. People love when bad things happen to dogs. They love it audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen. Stephen hey, come on no, you audience Stephen Stephen stephen thats nice. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Please have a seat, everybody. Thats very nice. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Listen to that, listen to that. That is a friday crowd right there its friday, oh, oh, stephen these people have come through storms. They have come through giving up on going to the gym after new years. cheers and applause . Jon yup, yup, aint going. Aint going. Stephen anyway, t. G. I. F. , in ways i have never meant before, because i wasnt sure wed make it to the end of the week, given how the of week started with the thermonuclear tweet threats. All week long trump used his twitter feed to just lash out in every direction. So, whats up with grandpa cranky pants . Apparently, its because trumps infuriated that his legal team has been offering shifting timelines about when the russia investigation would end. Ah, so frustrating. Its like the cable company. They say youre going to get indicted between noon and 3 00, and youre waiting around at 5 00 p. M. Like, when are they going to perpwalk me already . Jon just like the cable company, just like them. Stephen heres the deal. His legal team he has a whole bunch of lawyers his legal team told him muellers investigation would be over by the end of 2017. Sir, im just as disappointed as you are, but for a slightly different reason. laughter and we, all of us out here, us sane people watching this, knew that what they were saying was just spin, but trump believed it, just like he believes the selective good news they put in front of him. Now hes angry and nervous and hes got that shiny button on his desk telling him he can make all the problems go away. Luckily, our inhouse news network, real news tonight, is ready to reassure our troubled leader. Welcome to real news tonight. Im jim anchor ton. And im jill newslady. Our top story the Robert Mueller investigation is going to be fair. And its over. Well, soon. When . Practically now. Maybe in three more sleeps. I love sleep. Theres no f. B. I. There. And donald trump can rest easy because Robert Muellers investigation is basically done. Yeah, hes free to go back to being our big, strong president. You know, jim, i wish i was a cheeseburger so he would desire me. Give him that beef. A real, real news tonight correction it turns out steve bannon is not good. Hes bad. Very bad. We regret the error. Stephen thank you for your service, guys. Solid. The only ones i believe. Theatre only ones i believe at this point. cheers and applause you guys remember last summer when we had the brief and glorious reign of former White House Communications director and guy who knows a guy who can take care of your wife problem, anthony scaramucci. Well, the mooch servedlet white house for just 11 days but hell be remembered forever, mostly for saying that steve bannon could drain his own swamp. Hes possibly bragging of a possible return to the white house. Oh, please oh, please come back. But it may not happen because rumor has it last year, when the mooch was on his frontstabbing world tour, the president earnestly asked people in the white house, is he on drugs . I have a followup question did he bring enough for the whole country . Because i could use a Little Something to take the edge off for the next three years. And there were some big changes in the u. S. Senate this week. Two new democratic senators, including doug jones, were sworn in by antigay warrior mike pence. Check on the expression of senator jones son, who happens to be gay. Oh, oh, yes. applause i dont think pence is going to need sunscreen for a while because hes getting a whole lot of shade. Jimmy, can i see that again . That look could not be more searing. laughter i stand corrected. cheers and applause there was also there was also a major announcement from utah senator and ventriloquist dummy plotting against his master, orrin hatch. After much prayer and discussion with family and friends, ive decided to retire at the end of this term. Stephen well, thats positive. Thats positive, yeah. Now the reason the reason that this is news is that donald trump was trying to get hatch to run for reelection. Hes only 83. Thats the prime of your 80s. Trump is terrified that hatch will now be replaced by former g. O. P. Nominee and man daydreaming about toast, mitt romney. Thats right, romneys back, baby and i couldnt be happier. Sure, back in 2012, i made a lot of jokes about him, but thats because romney seemed square and boring. But now he seems square and boring. cheers and applause heres how we know that mitt is serious about running, because right after hatch announced his retirement plans, romney changed his location on twitter from massachusetts to holladay, utah. Oh, come on, mitt. At least wait until senator hatchs body is cold. All right, were there. laughter now, my first guest tonight is Neil Degrasse tyson. You guys like neil tyson . cheers and applause incredible. My favorite guest. Hell be out here. Hell be out here in just a little while. cheers and applause maybe two, three acts or something. Incredible. Which is great. I always love having him out here because theres a lot of space news out there. For one, a Japanese Company is planning to put a billboard on the moon. Now you wont be able to see the billboard from earth. The Company Wants to use it for moonsurface photo ops and hopes to attract corporations looking to show off their logos with earth in the background. Now, im not sure if they know this, but you know where else you can get photos with earth in the background . Earth. laughter its kind of hard to avoid. But this is a huge milestone humanitys first ad in space. Ever since our ancestors first raised their eyes to the firmament, they dreamed of traveling to the stars and declaring to the cosmos, charmin, enjoy the go. If there are bears who poop in space. I dont know. I just have one problem with this Japanese Companys plan it should be americas plan. Unfortunately, we actually have a law banning obtrusive space advertising. Thats too bad. We all remember the historic moment when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. Thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind that can save you 15 or more on your car insurance. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Neil Degrasse Tyson right over there. Stick around. Neil fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. When it comes to presenting evidence, nobody does it better. Shes also this close to finding bigfoot. But when it comes to mortgages, shes less confident. Fortunately for megan, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so she can understand the details and get approved in as few as eight minutes. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. Rocket mortgage by quicken loans. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for forty bucks each. With netflix included. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. 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Beautiful i love the stars. Stephen just for you, my friend, just for you. Love what youve done with the place. Stephen thank you very much. Thank you. Stephen now, on the old gig over on the other network, upper the guest i had more than any other guest. Really . Stephen yeah you know, you know that could it be that i live nearby, so i was a cheap date . Stephen could it be we moved the studio some place close to you so we could be near you, neil. I just found out youre also youre holding a vast lead on anybody else on this show. Youve been on nine times. Nine times cheers and applause number two. Do you know who number two is. No. Stephen john oliver. Is that right . Stephen six. Okay, okay. Stephen but thank you very much. But the universe is vaster than anything else in the universe. laughter . Stephen what . What does that mean . Dont preblow my mind. Dont preblow my mind before im ready for it. We have to lot to do here. Theres a lot in the universe to talk about, relative to anything else in the universe. Stephen first of all, happy new year. Thank you, happy new year to you. Stephen now, does the new year have any particular astronomical significance . No. Stephen why not . Not, not stephen weve gone around the sun once. The place where we return to, theres nothing special or interesting about it. Its a completely arbitrary spot on the calendar that we have chosen to celebrate the new year. Plus its i think its a little weird that we all celebrate that instant that the ball drops, and then one hour later, they celebrate exactly the same thing, and then an hour later, an hour later they do that 24 times around the world. Stephen i know how clocks work, neil. laughter . The world is not celebrating the same moment. Its kind of its odd to me as an astrophysicist. But thats fine. Its culture. Thats how we do it. Stephen could you be more Neil Degrasse tyson right now . You live you live to suck the joy out of other peoples traditions. No, no. Stephen what do you love . What is worth celebrating . If its not new years almost every other holiday in the year has some astronomical basis. The chinese new year, the jewish new year, ramadan, easter, lent stephen toyotathon. All of it all of it. Saturnalia. Christmas stephen what does saturnalia have . Saturnalia, its back in the winter its sun is getting lower and lower in the sky each day and worry that maybe it will never come back. Stephen is saturn getting higher in the sky . No but saturn is the god you play to and celebrate. So saturnalia everything slips, the middle easter serves the slaves, the slaves give commands. Its an interesting roman tradition that is long gone. Stephen all right. But im saying its in that time of the year where the sun is basically reborn, so its solstice celebrations. And christmas was put there to be a good place to sort of bring in all the paying an worshipers, who were already celebrating that time of year. Stephen and it worked. It work, oh, yeah. Stephen we won. So 2018, whats got you excited for 2018. laughter we won. What are you talking about . We won. Whats got you excited wait, just to be clear. Stephen okay. You not only won there. You won the calendar race, too. Stephen huh . The worlds calendar is the gregorian calendar after pope gregory put in place in 1582. The previous julian calendar was messing up in the year. Stephen it was off by 10 days and the pope said, weve got to fix this. Stephen the pope fixed it . Well, pope, jesuit scientists, jesuit priests were the academic order of the catholic youre catholic. You should be teaching this, okay . laughter . Stephen im aware of my religion. Okay so theres a vatican observatory to this day that that at the time, before telescopes were invented, these jesuit priests were put into the service of figuring out why the calendar was shifting in the year. Stephen am i correct in saying that it was a Catholic Priest who first proposed the idea of the big bang . Yes, george lematre, the big bang itself, using einsteins equations. Einstein could have done it, but he did enough. Stephen he was busy. Laid down the equations. Other people calculated with his equations and he deduced the history of the universe must have start wade bang. Stephen okay. Going to 2018 so catholics have been in there in multiple stephen you dont have to tell me. Okay. Stephen im team r. C. Now team roman catholic. Stephen yes, okay. applause now youre youre walking footnote, Neil Degrasse tyson. I didnt think you brought people with you on that comment. So i was just helping it out. Stephen you were with me. cheers and applause okay. No, no, thats not how you ask it. Who was not with him . applause see . There you go. Stephen i feel betrayed. laughter so 2018, let me get to the second question of the interview. In 2018, what mystery are you most interested in science cracking . Or what do you think we are likely to learn this year that were close to figuring out . In my field, the good thing about it is, generally we make discoveries when a mission is launched. So we so we know when to begin to expect discoveries. Stephen whats the big mission reaching its fruition. The mission now is to try to understand dark matter and dark energy more than we currently do. Stephen okay. We know its there, but its a complete mystery. We dont understand the origin of 85 of all the gravity of the universe. Its not black holes, comets, stars, planets its none of the above. Stephen so the math says there should be more there but we cant see it . Right, its missing gravity rather than missing mass im sorry, its gravity with no known source. Stephen which is what i said. When is what i said a moment ago. Its dark gravity. Stephen wow. Is really what it is. Then then theres some mysterious pressure in the vacuum of space. Stephen what do you mean . Which we call dark energy. Beaut butt we should just call it fred and wilma i joke about this. We dont know what they are. Dont give it a name that makes people think we know what it is because we dont know what it is. Its a pressure in the vacuum of space forcing the universe to accelerate nonetheless expansion. And ive written about this because i lose sleep over this fact laughter can i share this . I dont want to be blamed stephen i dont know that i could stop you. laughter . I dont want to be blamed if you cannot get to sleep tonight. Stephen do it. Ill be okay. So this dark energy in the future will render the universe so large, having accelerated so significantly, that all the galaxies of the night sky will have accelerated beyond our horizon. Stephen what . All the galaxies are the source of our knowledge of cosmology, of the big bang, everything we know about the history of the universe comes to us from these galaxies. If they accelerate beyond our horizon, the next generation of cosmic explorers will only have the stars of the milky way to think about. And i so, theres an there would have been an entire chapter of the universe ripped from their view. And they will be trying to contemplate an understanding of the universe without a significant part of what its past was. And so i lose sleep wondering, today, was there some previous chapter ripped from the universe itself . And here we are laughter and here we are, you know, touching the elephant, not knowing that in fact theres an elephant standing there. Or maybe theres the shadow of the elephant, and the elephant has been moved. We dont know what we dont know. And this leaves me weak at night. I sliewz sleep over that. Stephen i am not going to get a wink. cheers and applause thats crazy. Hold on. Weve got to take a break. Well be right back with more Neil Degrasse tyson, everybody. cheers and applause we cantwhy . Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. I used to ask if you can hear me now, but i made the smart choice hi, im paul. And switched to sprint. These days all networks are great. So why would anyone pay twice as much with verizon. Now when you switch youll get 4 lines of unlimited for 25 a month with the 5th line free. 5 lines for only 100 a month. Thats 50 off the unlimited rates of the other guys. Its the best price for unlimited. vo dont let a 1 difference cost you twice as much. Plus, switch and get 50 off samsungs newest phones. Think about what you can do for people with hearing loss, with all that extra money. Visit sprintrelay. Com. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. applause . Stephen back, everybody. Were here with our friend Neil Degrasse tyson. Lets talk about something smaller in a way but in sort of mentally, another thing that will keep you up at night and kind of make your brain explode is you know, im scared when you pull stuff out. Stephen like this . You know what this is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen so recently into our solar system, above the whats it called, the plane of the ecliptic . Sure. Stephen where the planets go around from above or below, or whatever, off the axis of where the planets go around. Planets do this around the sun. Stephen this came from deep space. First time ever an object from interstellar space has been observed to visit our solar system. Stephen now, this things got to be like a ship, right . That looks too much like a spaceship. This is not a photograph. Stephen what . This is an artists rendering. We know its elongated i dont believe laughter just stephen you dont get to take what about that one right there . You hold it whatever you got people. You got people stephen i got people. Look at that but it looked like that. No. Stephen it was elongated. Cigars dont come journeying into solar system s. Stephen which is why it has to be

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