Into your used cars. And when we do, i think the benefits will be obvious and far outweigh the high probability of someone being eat nen traffic. We are so close, about 130,000 short of our goal, which is why, for the sharks, i am willing to sleep with the president and keep quiet about it for a cash payout. And, mr. President , dont worry i will not be dressed as a shark. Ill be wearing this. laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trump does davos. Plus, stephen welcomes willem dafoe Rupaul Charles and roy wood jr. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen please, have a seat ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Hey, hey cheers and applause hows everybody doing . cheers and applause i gotta say, you guys you guys are looking good. Youre looking good out there, america. Ive got to ask have you lost weight . Like, maybe 239 pounds . Because donald trump has left the country. cheers and applause yeah. A weight off your chest. Jon get it off get it off your chest stephen as we speak, the president is jetting to davos, switzerland, for the World Economic forum, an annual gathering that draws the worlds eliteses from the world of business, finance, politics and public affairs. Basically, its what lex luthor would point his space laser at. laughter now, for those of you who havent been invited, like i havent, its a bunch of fancy people who think you can solve the worlds problems at an unlimited fondue bar. While hes there, trump will give an address and meet with foreign leaders, including rwandan president paul kagame. President kagagoogoo, i have heard great things about your bleep hole. I say the great things. I said grate great things. Now, heres the deal. Trumps entire campaign for president was against the globalization and the worlds elite. So whys he going . Well, according to director of the National Economic council, and man watching his hair float away, gary cohn, trump wants to remind the world that we are open for business. And closed to immigrants, which those businesses really need to work. So, if you guys could just sneak in, that would be great. Now, trump initially didnt want to go to davos, but he got a friendly nudge from french president and your wifes tennis instructor who straight up tells you hes going to have sex with her, emmanuel macron. When he learned that trump wasnt planning on going, macron slyly encouraged him to take his America First bravado to davos. Macron is clearly just trying to embarrass trump here, right . Oui, oui, go to davos, monsieur trump. They will love you there. Wear that wonderful little hat with the words on it and one of those ties that goes down to your knees, tres chic. Mwah thank you very much. cheers and applause dadada and and to clinch the deal, macron made the conference sound fun. So thats all you have to do . Sir, have you heard about this happening place called federal prison . cheers and applause its all its all cheeseburgers. Very, very, few stairs. And your family wont have to visit you because they will already be there i have heard davos is fancy. I mean, its where hoity go to get their toity on. And the administration is sensitive that it might make trump seem out of touch. But heres what the man leading trumps delegation, treasury secretary and evil john oliver, Steve Mnuchin laughter heres what he heres what he said about davos i didnt realize that it was the global elite. Stephen yeah. A bluecollar guy like Steve Mnuchin wouldnt know what the global elite even look like. I mean, hes too busy working up a sweat at his day job holding up sheets of money with cruella de ville. laughter applause well take a lot of these. Put it in the truck. But one person has decided not to go davos, because Melania Trump will no longer join the president in davos due to scheduling and logistical issues. Yes, there were logistical issues. For instance, the weather. She was afraid it was going to be too stormy. Yes. laughter so far, washingtons gotten frosty. laughter well, well have more on davos tomorrow maybe. Who knows . Again, the whole thing is stupid. But trump may stay over there for awhile, because Robert Mueller is whats the word doing his job. cheers and applause hardworking man. His job seems to be investigating whether trump tried to obstruct justice. Turns out, when trump was interviewing thenacting f. B. I. Director and saddest warby parker model, andrew mccabe, for the top job at the bureau, trump asked mccabe who he voted for in the 2016 election. Not that i care. Im just asking for a friend whos going to fire you. laughter now, heres the thing youre not supposed to ask that even donald trump knows its supposed to be a secret ballot. And no he doesnt. laughter now, apparently who are you voting . Is that who are you voting for . Can i oh, heres the thing. Its another day. So theres another story of Sexual Harassment. This time its congressman and guy whose eyebrows dont match the drapes, pat meehan. Pennsylvania congressman . Pennsylvania congressman. Meehan not only made unwanted romantic advances to one of his aides. He also used thousands of dollars in taxpayer money to settle the complaint, which explains that box you can check on your taxes would you like to donate 3 to a congressmans Sexual Harassment settlement . yes, or, too bad, were doing it anyway. applause so yes give them money so what did you pay for . Well, meehan, who is married, says he had a deep affection for the younger aide and told her last year that he saw her as a soul mate, but said he never pursued a romantic relationship with the woman. Pretty sure calling someone your soul mate is romantic. Yeah, i said that she was my sun and my moon and my stars. Then i stood outside her Window Holding a boom box playing Peter Gabriels in your eyes as coworkers. You complete me but dont read anything into that laughter applause now, meehans defense . He said he felt invited to express his romantic feelings to the aide as they shared ice cream after work. Sir, i think you might have misheard her. She said she wanted chubby hubby not a hubby with a chubby. laughter things got things got laughter things got worse when meehan found out the aide had a boyfriend, which prompted him to express his romantic desires and grow hostile when she did not reciprocate. Oh, who hasnt been there , you know, weve all had those feelings. Its like the old saying, if you love something, set it free. If it doesnt come back, get angry. You know whats best for it. laughter then meehan made it all better by sending a handwritten letter in which he wrote, as you bask in this moment of extreme joy, i want to share with you my sentiment of how richly it is deserved. I pray that you might be blessed with children that you will raise so wonderfully in your image. To which the aide responded, dude, i just said i was going to starbucks. Do you want anything . laughter then. Then it gets weird. Then it gets weird. laughter meehan recounts his trip to the vietnam memorial, and while he was there he found two soldiers with their same last names. He wrote, as i traced the monument with my finger, i wondered who they were and why their plans ended so sadly and abruptly. Youre at the vietnam memorial. Take a stab laughter now, congressman meehan is defending himself saying that the woman specifically invited his intimate communication. Oh, i did not know there was an invitation cheers and applause fish, i think. Fish. Fish. Oh, and that thing about being hostile to her . Simple explanation. According to meehan, any hostility he may have exhibited stemmed from stress around highpressure votes last year over the Affordable Care act. They will blame anything on him. Yeah, i told my subordinate i want to run away with her to a private island and just hold her until were both consumed by the radiance of her beauty. Thanks, obama. laughter meehan is being investigated by the house ethics committee, which has included such diehard crusaders against harassment as congressman pat meehan, who has taken a leading role in fighting Sexual Harassment in congress. Wait, i was supposed to be fighting Sexual Harassment in congress . Well hehhej do i have a funny story weve got a great show for tonight. Willem dafoe is here. But when we come back, ill share with you my deepest, darkest confessions. Stick around. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. in the lincoln continental. Lackluster lips . Dont think so. Lips lose natural color over time. Chapstick total hydration moisture tint. Our 100 natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. Chapstick. Put your lips first. Your friend just marea. You like her. Shes really good at social media. She buys stocks in companies that stand for something. You like her. Shes always up on the latest trends. She got in early on the whole goat yoga thing. And her sunsets are always nofilter. You like her. But youd like her better if you made more money than she does. Dont get mad at just marea. Get eatrade. I cant believe it comes in. How great this tastes vegaaaan. And organiiiic. Enjoy i cant believe its not butter in its vegan and its organic cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, of course you all know im catholic. But i dont always get to church because its not on my couch. laughter and the thing i miss most about church is confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if any of these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, wait right there. Forgive me, audience. I found out, if youre famous, you can get on airplanes without ever setting foot in the terminal. Its so fantastic that i almost dont enjoy it. Almost. laughter audience, i have never seen a commercial for canned dog food that didnt make me hungry. laughter when people sneeze once i say, bless you, when they sneeze twice, i say are you all right . laughter if they sneeze a third time, i say im going to need you to stop that. laughter as an optimist, i dont think i have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity. laughter cheers and applause the closest thing i ever get to doing yoga is when i drop my phone under my car seat. laughter when the person in front of me on an airplane leans their seat all the way back, all i think is how much easier it will be to strangle them with my headphone cord. laughter i tell people i see all the new superhero movies, but im actually just guessing the plot from burger king cups. laughter im excited to get old. Not for the wisdom. For the pudding. laughter i dont know how to make chili, but i do know how to buy it, pour it into a crock pot, and lie. laughter if someone asks me to help them move, i move. laughter id already heard of stormy daniels. laughter forgive me, audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with willem dafoe. cheers and applause why . Flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Coming at you with my brandnew vlog. Just making some ice in my freezer here. So check back for that followup vid. This is my cashew guy bruno. Holler at em, brun. Kicking it live and direct here at the fountain. Should i go habanero or maui onion . Should i buy a chinchilla . Comment below. Did i mention i save people 620 for switching . Chinchilla update got that chinchilla after all. Say what up, rocco. elevator speaker going down. Oh no. Peter . Its kristy. Camp jenkins . Maybe this will jog your memory. Alexa, play my funky place. alexa playing your music. Remember our dance . Yeah, im not peter. Alexa, note to self. Take the stairs next time. Get a free moto mod with amazon alexa when you buy a moto z2. Available at major carriers. When you buy a moto z2. Kelp is on the way with herbal essences we said no, no, no to this stuff. And yes, yes, yes to bio renew. Made with active antioxidants that work from the inside out. To help animate lifeless hair, and bring it back to life. Find aahs and oos in every fresh bottle of herbal essences bio renew. Let life in. applause stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause thank you so much. Welcome book to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight received the Academy Award nominations for his work in platoon, shadow of the vampire, and just this week for the florida project. I got a videotape of the kids illegally entering the utility room. Hey, cody, did you hear what i said to her. Im going to talk to her. It happens again, youre out of here. Its only the second week of the summer, and theres already been a dead fish in the pool. We were doing an experiment. We were trying to get it back alive. That wasnt my idea. And water balloons thrown at tourists. You cant bleep with tourists. They didnt tip up. Are you serious . Oh, my god, this is unacceptable. I failed as a mother, moonee. You have disgraced me. Yeah, mom, youre a disgrace. Stephen please welcome, willem dafoe applause cheers and applause stephen its a little chilly in here. Sometimes i wish i had a beard, too. Well, thanks for being on. Ive always wanted to meet you. Im a really big fan of yours. Thanks. Stephen every since platoon, last temptation of christ, and congratulations on your third oscar nominations. Thanks a lot. cheers and applause thanks. Stephen it being your third, are you kind of blase at this point . Not at all. Not at all. And its always different. I mean, the first time felt different. Stephen was that for platoon . That was for platoon. The second time felt different. This feels different. Stephen do you get up and wait for it or. You know, this time i was very aware of it. And stephen has it caught you by surprise before . The first time. The first time, yes, because it wasnt as developed, you know. And i was my identity was i was this, you know, dopey actor working down in a little theater. And the platoon nomination was a bit of a surprise, and my sons babysitter is the one who told me i was nominated. Which say huge difference from now. Stephen now, i have a personal question here. I alluded to it backstage. Okay. Stephen i have always liked your name, willem dafoe. Its a little bit different. It has a hint of europe to it somehow. Yeah, yeah. Stephen but its a lie, i just found out. That your name is william dafoe, and youre making the rest of us sound stupid for years. No, no, no. Stephen why is it willem . Whats wrong. What happened . Its not like that. What happened is fig bigfamily. Father is called william, love the guy but, you know, i dont want to be billie. I dont want to be william jr. You know, you want your own identity. And when i was a kid, i was always seek a nickname, and then i finally found one where a friend of mine just started calling me willem, like a lazy way of saying william. I didnt even know how to spell it. Laugh and then the irony was by the time i became an actor, to go back to my birth name felt like a stage name. So the truth is, i i just stuck with the name that i felt like. Audience yeah stephen so willem dafoe is the real you. That isnt a stage name. This is you. Listen, were were changing all the time, right . laughter . Stephen yeah, hey thats the look thats the look you gave at the golden globes. That little sideeye look. Surprised me, surprised me. But my family was good with it. They said obviously they did that because they knew you were okay. Stephen were talking about seth myers was making jokes about the next person to be revealed, like if you hear anyones name, youre afraid theyre going to be part of some sort of tragic metoo, revelation, and he used your name. Yeah, thats a joke. laughter stephen youre one of i found out one of eight children, big family. And i found out youre one of 13. Stephen im one of 11, actually. 13 with mom and dad, but im one of 11. Im the baby of 11. Where do you fall . Im seven. Stephen seven eight. Okay, thats right down there at the bottom. You always had an audience. Its true. Stephen okay. But my house was chaos, so nobody was paying attention. Stephen how could it be otherwise . You know, my parents stephen what was christmas like . Chaos. But one cool thing about christmas, and i think this is true for a lot of people. My father, who was a workaholic, and he worked with my mother. He would always line us up we had a twofloor house. And hed line everybody up, and hed get out the bell and howl to take the same shot every year of us running down the stairs to open presents. It was the same shot. And every year, he would break out the instructions, and start to read it again. Wed be when we were little kids we really wanted to go and get the presents. It was a family ritual. Stephen did he line you up on the stairs or the second floor . Yes. Stephen we did the same thing, my parents, all 11 of us, they made us line up on the stairs, eldest at the top, youngest at the bottom, and my brother tome, the middle child, seven 11 or six of 11 he would jump over all the us. laughter like a spider monkey and land at the bottom. Whats whats tommy doing now . Stephen tommy is hes a psychologist and social worker, works with abused children, actually. Hes dedicated hes the best member of my family, i think. He spent his whole career helping families in crisis. cheers and applause . Okay. Stephen yeah, yeah. Okay, so were there my older brothers and versus, like, the funniest people in the world to me. My wife always says, you get so quiet when youre around them. I say i cant be as funny as they are. Did you learn from your brothers and sisters how to be coul coolr anything . How to be cool . I dont know. When they were older they went to university and there was a big transformation. I grew up in a town in wisconsin, 50,000 people. And when they went to the university, it was the 1960s, university of wisconsin, madison, and they came back transformed. So i think, you know, i inherited their music, i inherited their style, and i inherited their politics, which was really crazy. Stephen do they still have those politics . Some yes, some no. Stephen because my sister mary asked me a few years ago, why are you such a pinko . Because shes very republican. And i said, well, mary, its because when i was a child i heard you saying all those things about peace and love and togetherness, and, you k