This is b.b.c. Radio one Xtra. Creator. It's 3 o'clock Spike Milligan's post-apocalyptic the realist comic tale the bed sitting room stars Paul Martin Catherine Tate and Derek Jakob the next Nick both comedy series about a childish adult still living with his busy man dry slopes is it for later we've topical satire in the form of a patchwork audio tapestry with submissions from the public and produced by John Holmes the skewer is at half past 5. First broadcast in 28000 to mark the centenary of Spike Milligan's birth his and John entre buses 960 s. a Post-apocalyptic surrealist play we worked by John entrepreneur and Paul Martin with an all star cast including Derek Jacobe a Catherine Tate and Bernard Cribbins this is the bad sitting room and Corey Corfield is in the right funny old mood this is the remains of b.b.c. Radio 4 the time is just coming up to 11 o'clock b. B. B. B. . B. B. B. . Here is the news. The Prime Minister David Cameron of no fixed politics made a statement to the house in which he said on this the 3rd anniversary of the nuclear misunderstanding which led to the 3rd world war and it's no idle boast when I remind you that this was the shortest world war on record 2 minutes 28 seconds including the signing of the peace treaty which is now on sale at Her Majesty's Stationery Office with a free t. Shirt I flew her immediately and was greeted on the steps of Number 10 by Mr Vladimir Putin who invited me I must tell you there followed some very hard bargaining and we finally fixed the rent of Number 10 at an undisclosed figure of $5000.00 pounds a week plus a job for my wife on a 0 hours contract and very grateful we are to. And here is tonight's result West Bromwich Albion obliterate his us now extinct. P.r. Drop. That sound if it be a photograph of a pool party might holler years off. Hey I don't care who all you kept. Is this pile of rubble your residue not all of it I've just got the upper debris and I see 2 good splendid advice to come and see and certainly Which part of me would you like to see it preferably only one at a time if you go by a gentleman of the old school doing psychiatry both surplus on. The go who was never the blue over. Your feet got out of my own movie so I assumed you and everybody in the meeting to use I'm sure I got the right champion bike up to see Dr k. As advertised in the London Evening what to do Catholic propped up oh yes yes do come in please. Me. I come remember the last time I saw a roof yes yes yes Nevertheless we must be quite wild for oh radioactive rain looked beautiful this morning as it fell from the purple sky ruined by this happens to be the last why didn't you would hope I didn't quite catch your name card but God Scotsman. This called black my name's on the back damn city place to have it printed I'm sorry for the advertising that we have a look. Did you suffer working dri join a nuclear holocaust that wasn't your fault if so ring this number the other side. Owed your lot for the movie. I bought the title of one of them so drove. By Yes Step into the surgery with it would that be that porcelain boo it would. Do on this private plane how many people. No I mean do you want it privately on the National Health yes I do privately on the national let's have you up on the couch because. It's a long time since I've seen you it's pretty comfortable. There's a limit to what I will do will go as far as that. Now then started to get in tell me my paternal and sister. Has failed to meet. With the 1st crux of course he was a tall man with God used. These ways about even on Sundays they say he took a spot. Now. With Tim $66.00 during an attack of Coptic gadfly on the next. Go back that far Tell me something more recent recent to shore you you want something yes I do but if you must know who hit everything was going swimmingly until I'm. Terrible. Yes that's the one. St Jude didn't always keep you awake No I slept like a log. Oppressions when I came to I discovered a change in my surroundings as was my. Constitutional God and it took gold rubble nothing but rubble and some spoke Polish was. Standing outside stop waving a Union Jack and shouting new 4th runway for I could see his membership of the naps so I told him I'd ruther stiff let up on a piece of stiff cardboard to the times they put the new to me why don't you be to speak the head world waltz. Charles joy Ridge the head there you were the only one noted I fortunately I did manage to get there in time for disability pension to draw. Up since then I haven't eaten nothing why not just force yourself I can't afford to eat bread at 64 pounds per fight you know I was to see this signet ring I had this bit of Brit Munty this morning get beautifully cut doctor I'm here for a reason if you give me a prescription to alleviate malnutrition right 25 milligrams Bramley to soup 3 tablets a can chips there I want you to take this 3 times a day before meals and you could rest will make it up I don't want them to make your job I bolted for real real is asking too much these days but now is there anything else yes ever since they dropped this this. I've had the more fear. That I might turn into one big city. Takes it yes we've taken possession. To let me know how would you visualize yourself as this but sitting who gets Croxley a brick wall with brick wall paper but it appears that stick grading ball for the rich. And the communal cozy down the passage to be. Watertight you were lucky you would stick out for $500.00 pounds a week a push you might get $6500.00 pounds that buy these days to get to the point man I don't want to be a big city world you can't have a law to turning into that sort of we were open and be paralysed with the takings a reasonable view is put up a bit saying that 5 Look let's be practical Have you seen a good estate agent yes he was quite beautiful it but he refused to go with me. Until I become this blast a bit skeet didn't realize I do anything to stave off the prospect of becoming a big city hoping anything even even even. Well well lot for them I think we can do business all of the slaves. And all over the Skins very white to both my parents were white especially my father but you can get dressed again. I want you to start taking these and. He's a South American guy. I need to do that now pay attention this is most important you must take these 20 bit sit in room pills 6 a day one there we don't live where you have to be further out than I see there's somebody at the door if ease your door yes it's our turn to have the door and I have it on choose the evening from 7 to not. Your number 36 supposing somebody knocks on the door wanting number 39 then they'll have to come back on Thursday between 8 am and never mind that I wonder who we tease us so that now is it down a bit. It would spoil the surprise. Only one a charm here is shy of the Shard door is the other side of the door never mind what do you want traffic. Parky me. When I wrote you out a ticket why you talk here my look here dammit this is not a built up area and we're not prepping your rigid traffic mare you try on a marked Mar drop good for Cope you are older same. Age that your horse drawn bro was parked out there who wants to know may well listen to me there is a coconut shell sound effect while you still sharp park your car when I was there my. Gyal park where I'd like you tell me why we're doing that Russian Soviet communists I mean. There's a rumor that a Russian. Quick despite a Leica. I wish I could do that model from. We are already. Well known from our lunch break you're having luck. To break my. Arm off much video where the act. That agent who fish made history of the joke show you are obliged to allow that idea. That is all that often required of a grade 3 joke any at cherub to inflate h.q. Movie reported to be all foragers. Fluid go up in a war you. Around that it show Yanks have dropped the bomb oh leave you to judge. We're all there he grew us living proof that there. Are still for I have quite a lot that I wouldn't be able to look here don't worry too much about those big sitting room anxieties in these troubled times we can only imagine the worst. Doctor. I dropped to $3.00 and you must tell me I don't forget to take those pills don't forget to give them to me I. Got a guy a thank you. Can I say say how much will that be I don't think we'll enough to say that Dr. Is. Bringing home a small. And a small. Force. Of the drop to drop Well you know. Sit home yes they drop that 3 years ago it was in all the papers you know I did all the favorites was in the Stop Press who all the one people wanted was down it was done there. My good and son under the gun killed my cousin spoon consuls the couldn't get out of the shelter the dog was jumped sides but didn't want to get out 3 years I have been done and glad I was well stocked up with. Well knowing that I had to ask if we could light times mind you having all that was nearly my undoing I had to shoot 2 people trying to get into it the well who would pay my mother and my wife I'm sorry to hear of your loss so before this time nothing was in the Army. And what regiment would tell me the fishing Secrets Act what I could make of the Capt badge about the role of Household Cavalry whom you have to be a household the ticket in London to the household with just the the queen's household Buckingham Palace which alas was totally destroyed by the 1st to enable them I mean that's enough to make you Patsy. We don't sing that anymore we now sing God save Mrs Gladys croak of 137 Mafeking road of the few people left alive in England she is 60 in line to the fro and it's her turn to. Go and see. The. Little killed oh no no no Her Majesty and he signed a brace of pheasants are safe in Barclays Bank. Before so. They don't really know according to Twitter the Russians have. Dong the green or the wall but then the going to Facebook the Chinese are taking over the only who lost Oh we've lost it was the only decent thing to do my father was awfully upset about the whole affair he got radiation sickness you know privately of course and boob Mommy came in to me one morning said Punch that he's got radiation sickness you have to be put down. To do it 1st because permission from the Ministry of you. Became a wonderful sendoff. And we all went to the Ivy for lunch then we went to see the mousetrap on the news it oh yes finally we took daddy to the young conservatives come to supper and choose my moment I said Father your shoelaces undone my mother drew his sword and I don't have to go on doing. What happened. Over I hate so spoke the occasion when he saw what he'd done the police had in the gas oven that night hauled up and charitable he was sure to seen the gas bill they sent us. As long as they still got itself and exactly Well it's getting dark. Still doesn't it yes old traditions die hard sparrows still have telephone node only the balance of my watch orders the Bici 5 with the special introductory offer of the phone not in Yarmouk with the Duke of Edinburgh he was in a bank vault in Australia. Today like anybody else so giving my phone plugging along so no no no no. Demonstration model. What you're going to get when you going to get it give me that phone the bells are driving me. Give me that phone don't you now now oh few days already put me down or back you keep cool this could be important. Captain punches cack here Watson who is for you no no no no don't give it to me I don't want to become an addict Indianness of the wrong people Charlie farms are lethal weapon. Heard out there the American president speaking before breakfast and go and bomb a few countries to. No palm Yes of course. What do you mean it's difficult and I friendly from a style that cheesy once you've now you palm them there oh I. Say telephones me more of the only way to stop has to have them thanks very profound up and I get off to the lot of you then burn a few more books this year only way to keep. The bomb dropped right underneath it according to the Us $23.00 but it's wrong according to the lining of my pocket it's 10 pounds full. Time Damn you I said my pocket is Smalling by the trousers a big bad one not going to be dictated to by Wissmann stuff but in the circumstances I must go and make some alterations of my kilts. Good afternoon to you. Just a minute I'll just move much rouses Hello darling what are you doing movies to see . Oh you can't do that alone darling you haven't got enough jam jars. When we going to get married not yet dolling with doing so well testing these contraceptives for which. Yes but the money so good. The radiation not be all why. They have it blessed by a priest good well keep taking the hormone tablets it's bound to clear up. Of course I do you love you do. Bye bye Geoffrey. Must get these legs like for the winter. This is my birth certificate I had a packet of them somewhere. Good it's still going. That is good night time for my humiliation rub a punishment kept the feet of England metal piece of chalk to draw a white line read my body as I lay upon the floor. Right ready oh your Majesty Your Majesty I'm sorry we lost the war I'm sorry I found out you tried to catch the naughty bum before it hit the palace but if you remember one of you'll call these big mate and they didn't. Take Oh it's you oh Lord Fordham I was just in training to phone you what it's happened didn't you take the pills give me the address 29 culdesac price I'll be right over. And now listeners it's time to return to the ruins of home but this. Binding member of the b.b.c. Philip monocoque Istra but plume will be playing Beethoven's 5th Symphony rearranged the trumpet and skeleton. Yes it's March on for the door my your lucky I was is number 29 cul de sac place no Mary dash next door. Yeah Sujit modifiable which will do all I just need to be led down the street to visit someone with our trash it up bring it back and leave a deposit Norham our doorstep you doubt well you can have it but don't break it up for firewood Good heavens no thank you very much. This looks like it could be number 29 but what you. Allowed that he wanted to hug him good where you know where who is it it's be the captain punches cut b.c. And books for what's the books for the keep the v.c. In that age a compulsory grade true ministry of Hubert joke compulsory laughed off all our lives of the. Stump jokes over all Korea are we off there and what are you doing out there comedian keptin punches can you see in Vauxhall. Slip door it used to be my stomach sorry what took you so long talk to that's what you could never get here it's terrible news isn't it my address mentions 29 cul de sac terrorists I mean the bomb it could be ruthless adhered to not cut food show a little gratitude Lord for them it is quite central near the station who knows the trains might be running again one day yes all right it's no good complaining I've got to make the best of it I decided to rent myself out become a prostitute knew I'd fall too old for that Yuki you put a new juice in the window good a trick keep it sitting room with good sense of humor seeks like mighty good with a view of the gas works extra do eat and I've got a better oh I did last full measure. Personal Physician I feel obliged to keep a close eye on you look to avoid any complications but I'm going to do all moving with my well known feel. Then I'll be on the premises the look I'll. Read you b.p. Will take it off my medical fees it will save you paying for house visits do you do you see there on a new left I would do very well I feel. I could come lighter now nor for less of a look at you I'm just going to put on my stethoscope and listening to your you know Will. Relax and breathe in. And out. Now I'm going to open your trap door must you yes I must I want to see what's going on down there. What's the new stuff well it's brought in for they can feel another flow coming on that's not. Bad How could spread to become part. Calm down Lord. Look for them oh you might meet new well I wouldn't bother if I were you a fix I know but on light. The World War 3 reunion dinner cool sandwiches from the ranks champagne don't sing and sexual G.'s for the offices until the women are I've done white up Lord for the money back at dawn likely Radio one man 42 give me a great deal. Not much left of good nights. To see if they do and the time as coming up to 6 o'clock. Bong Bong Bong Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Good evening here is the news the heavy radiation of England is still causing a rise in property prices in the Greater London area simples cathedral has been successfully so to Mr Roman Abramovich who intends to pull it down and build a block of luxury self-contained same poles cathedral lets a remarkable trend in the landlord business is the skyrocketing of rents in Paddington since the discovery of a bed sitting room it's rumored to be fetching $5000.00 pounds a week for you. Care to make me a potential. It's been announced that next Boxing Day Arnold Schwarzenegger will wrestle his holiness the pope for the Sportsman of the Year title more news coming in on the radio active fallout suggests that strange mutations are taking place it's reported that a Japanese dry cleaner and Sunderland has turned into agenda Tomcat code Ned His wife has described his condition as satisfactory several unconfirmed reports of people turning into birds should be taken with a certain degree of. 7. That piece again should be taken with a certain degree of. Prices affecting matter to me. This could be another funky job become a man of property Oh I could be valuable. Like what if I caught him at now did you know at it how do you know I've been up this they're right nothing not then how could you go out there that isn't dead it was a good we didn't need all you do know who I rephrase that how would you like to been to room for 500 pounds of we what no Sankey you all I'm in enough trouble of these you know what happened to me last night thank God for that you can tell me bad my grandmother was proof for Saif well. Writing I should of up to one day. Was I am really weird that you know what this me you know what I know no good up for it I can put my top but like you. Will see happen when me Mrs grown quit doing the steps went boom the fit some bum dropped. From to it when I see Charing Cross station full on up in the air I decided you see the trains will be late tonight Justin I really like Carrie just or only. Oh she said it off come over oh Kitty I don't remember any move Oh. Oh why use decision man when it come to all remembered all rich I didn't want to. Be sitting down I didn't show up. Half. That's my own groove when this is stunning semen come in a blue maybe. He took to his flat. Lucy creek you see with me. Scott I'm glad you scrubs. On cue the new queen of England this time used to me to miss you screw your Majesty . Oh I wish I could get. It will be white for restocked Oh no you must remain here Your Majesty you may be off his wife but you on my inventory to wit. To know who your pot to buy for if you go all my position is 9 tenths of the war and 3 parts Negro crap. Don't fall. Short for mine by. Law I have a pleasant surprise for you I have my fiancé white and outside Miss Penelope Brown and she used to make pornographic films for near-sighted people so what I'm trying to say is she has nowhere to stay I'm cost of upon your mercy of course for $5.00 grand a week she can have the room and the Mercy you threw me in free fall as your psychiatrist I must strongly advise you against the taking of rent it could I give it your condition I tell you bluntly and I have to be shop with you now that rent once taken can have a telephone I'd hold in the victim you could even develop into a condition known among the working classes bleedin lend Lord who cared for him for peace you must control your rent yes here con