Translation we shouldnt have to hide it any more. fin translation we shouldnt have to hide it any more. Hide it any more. On putting one of the hardest hide it any more. On putting one of the hardest stories hide it any more. On putting one of the hardest stories about hide it any more. On putting one of the hardest stories about my hide it any more. On putting one of the hardest stories about my life i the hardest stories about my life out there the hardest stories about my life out there and the hardest stories about my life out there. And its the hardest stories about my life out there. And its petrifying. That was literally just that was literallyjust minutes after i gave birth to him. He was just so young. I was only ia years when i met him. He was ten years olderfor me, and from when i met him. He was ten years older for me, and from that moment he began grooming me. At the time, i didnt see it for what it was. I thought thats how love were supposed to be. I was 15 when i got pregnant. I still remember him being in my arms, and ijust had that instant bond that a mother feels. I was so excited to be a mum. But as i got older, i started to understand what had happened to me. I remember when the thoughts first started running through my head. I was panicking about my son. I thought, what am i going to tell my son . I couldnt see a light at the end of the tunnel. My son was only 12 when i had to tell him that head dad had raped and abused me, and thats how he was born. He didnt want to be the person who he was. He didnt want to be in his own skin. I blamed myself. Ifelt so didnt want to be in his own skin. I blamed myself. I felt so stupid. Didnt want to be in his own skin. I blamed myself. Ifelt so stupid. My bruises healed. My mind didnt. We both felt so alone. And there was nowhere for us to turn. There must be others out there feeling the same way. I used to think horrible things, like what i used to think horrible things, like what if i go up to be like him . You feel like what if i go up to be like him . You feel grief, you feel anger, you feel shame. You feel grief, you feel anger, you feelshame. I you feel grief, you feel anger, you feel shame you feel grief, you feel anger, you feel shame. I know theres nothing that i could feel shame. I know theres nothing that i could have feel shame. I know theres nothing that i could have done. Feel shame. I know theres nothing that i could have done. But feel shame. I know theres nothing that i could have done. But it feel shame. I know theres nothing that i could have done. But it feelsj that i could have done. But it feels like its that i could have done. But it feels like its my that i could have done. But it feels like its my fault that i could have done. But it feels like its my fault that that i could have done. But it feels like its my fault that i that i could have done. But it feels like its my fault that i am that i could have done. But it feels like its my fault that i am alive. I like its my fault that i am alive. Youre like its my fault that i am alive. Youre putting like its my fault that i am alive. Youre putting yourself like its my fault that i am alive. Youre putting yourself in like its my fault that i am alive. Youre putting yourself in your l youre putting yourself in your birth mother shoes. Youre also thinking, am i going to remind her of the person who did this to her . And i think its incredible that she even and i think its incredible that she even decided and i think its incredible that she even decided to and i think its incredible that she even decided to keep and i think its incredible that she even decided to keep me. And i think its incredible that she even decided to keep me. I and i think its incredible that she even decided to keep me. I dontl even decided to keep me. I dont think even decided to keep me. I dont think i even decided to keep me. I dont think i could even decided to keep me. I dont think i could ever even decided to keep me. I dont think i could ever look even decided to keep me. I dont think i could ever look at even decided to keep me. I dont think i could ever look at that. Think i could ever look at that child think i could ever look at that child without think i could ever look at that child without thinking think i could ever look at that child without thinking about l think i could ever look at that. Child without thinking about all think i could ever look at that child without thinking about all the abuse child without thinking about all the abuse l child without thinking about all the abuse. ,. , child without thinking about all the abuse. ,. ,. ,. Child without thinking about all the abuse. ,. ,. ,. ~ abuse. I ust wanted acceptance. And to know abuse. Ijust wanted acceptance. And to know that abuse. Ijust wanted acceptance. And to know that im abuse. Ijust wanted acceptance. And to know that im normal. Abuse. Ijust wanted acceptance. And to know that im normal. Despite to know that im normal. Despite where i have come from. The worst feelin is where i have come from. The worst feeling is feeling where i have come from. The worst feeling is feeling like where i have come from. The worst feeling is feeling like you where i have come from. The worst feeling is feeling like you are feeling is feeling like you are alone feeling is feeling like you are alone. You are questioning everything about yourself. Do i look like a everything about yourself. Do i look like a rapist . Looking in a mirror, it is almost like a rapist . Looking in a mirror, it is almost like i could see the nran it is almost like i could see the man who it is almost like i could see the man who raped my mother looking back at me man who raped my mother looking back at me you man who raped my mother looking back at me. You grow up with all these ideas at me. You grow up with all these ideas of who you are. Your kind, youre ideas of who you are. Your kind, youre nice, and your loving. And then youre nice, and your loving. And then you youre nice, and your loving. And then you find out you were conceived in a violent, then you find out you were conceived in a violent, almost hateful way. It pulls in a violent, almost hateful way. It pulls the in a violent, almost hateful way. It pulls the heart out of your world. It pulls the heart out of your world. It was pulls the heart out of your world. It was then pulls the heart out of your world. It was then that he was born, after he was raped by a stranger in a park. He was raped by a stranger in a ark. ~ ,. ,. He was raped by a stranger in a ark. ~ i. ,. , he was raped by a stranger in a ark. ~ ,. , park. When you hear those words, it is like somebody, park. When you hear those words, it is like somebody, almost park. When you hear those words, it is like somebody, almost its park. When you hear those words, it is like somebody, almost its like. Park. When you hear those words, it is like somebody, almost its like a i is like somebody, almost its like a video is like somebody, almost its like a video game is like somebody, almost its like a video game punched into your chest and ripped video game punched into your chest and ripped your insides out. Ijust broke and ripped your insides out. Ijust broke down. Completely and utterly lost it broke down. Completely and utterly lost it so. Broke down. Completely and utterly lost it so. I broke down. Completely and utterly lost it. So, i did meet with my birth lost it. So, i did meet with my birth mother. And one of the first things birth mother. And one of the first things are said to her, was if i look things are said to her, was if i look like things are said to her, was if i look like the man who did this to you. Walk look like the man who did this to you, walk away. I dont want to bring you, walk away. I dont want to bring that back. You, walk away. I dont want to bring that back. You didnt want to u set her. Bring that back. You didnt want to upset her. What bring that back. You didnt want to upset her. What you bring that back. You didnt want to upset her. What you say . Bring that back. You didnt want to upset her. What you say . She bring that back. You didnt want to j upset her. What you say . She said its fine. Upset her. What you say . She said its fine you upset her. What you say . She said its fine. You dont upset her. What you say . She said its fine. You dont look upset her. What you say . She said its fine. You dont look like upset her. What you say . She said its fine. You dont look like him. L its fine. You dont look like him. That its fine. You dont look like him. That really its fine. You dont look like him. That really change things for me, it really that really change things for me, it really did that really change things for me, it reall did. ,. ,. That really change things for me, it reall did. ,. ,. ,. , really did. Have you ever wanted to meet him, really did. Have you ever wanted to meet him. Just really did. Have you ever wanted to meet him, just to really did. Have you ever wanted to meet him, just to confront really did. Have you ever wanted to meet him, just to confront him really did. Have you ever wanted to meet him, just to confront him andj meet him, just to confront him and say why did you do this . The meet him, just to confront him and say why did you do this . Meet him, just to confront him and say why did you do this . The man who did that to my say why did you do this . The man who did that to my birth say why did you do this . The man who did that to my birth mother, say why did you do this . The man who did that to my birth mother, he say why did you do this . The man who did that to my birth mother, he is did that to my birth mother, he is just nothing to me. I cant be clear enough just nothing to me. I cant be clear enough about this. That how angry i wasnt him enough about this. That how angry i wasnt him. But no, i wouldnt want anything wasnt him. But no, i wouldnt want anything to wasnt him. But no, i wouldnt want anything to do with him. To all intents anything to do with him. To all intents and purposes i dont think of myself intents and purposes i dont think of myself as having a birth father. I of myself as having a birth father. I have of myself as having a birth father. I have my of myself as having a birth father. I have my birth mother, and thats it. I have my birth mother, and thats it and i have my birth mother, and thats it. And thats enough. For i have my birth mother, and thats it. And thats enough. I have my birth mother, and thats it. And thats enough. For me, what is hard to sit it. And thats enough. For me, what is hard to sit here it. And thats enough. For me, what is hard to sit here and it. And thats enough. For me, what is hard to sit here and listen it. And thats enough. For me, what is hard to sit here and listen to is hard to sit here and listen to is that you had all this to deal with. And it has affected you so much. And you are an adult dealing with theirs. You are in your 20s. My son was 12 years old. With no one to talk to. So im kind ofjust sat here thinking, ifeel talk to. So im kind ofjust sat here thinking, i feel in a way like ifailed him. I here thinking, i feel in a way like i failed him here thinking, i feel in a way like i failed him. I dont think you have it all. Ithink i failed him. I dont think you have it all. | think that i failed him. I dont think you have it all. | think that by i failed him. I dont think you have it all. I think that by being i failed him. I dont think you have it all. I think that by being open i it all. I think that by being open and honest you have done the best by him. And honest you have done the best by him as long and honest you have done the best by him. As long as there is love their and you him. As long as there is love their and you can him. As long as there is love their and you can show that love, and explained and you can show that love, and explained that how he was conceived as the explained that how he was conceived as the most unimportant thing in the world as the most unimportant thing in the world its, as the most unimportant thing in the world. Its, you are my son. I love you beyond world. Its, you are my son. I love you beyond anything. You are part of me. And you beyond anything. You are part of me, and thats the important thing. And we me, and thats the important thing. And we might have to work at it more every and we might have to work at it more every day, and we might have to work at it more every day, than most families, because every day, than most families, because we are both hurting. But we are together, and thats the important thing. And youre my son. I important thing. And youre my son. I have important thing. And youre my son. I have tried important thing. And youre my son. I have tried so hard to be the best mum i can to my son. But no matter how much i love him, he still has a Shadow Hanging over him. And i know he has questions about his dad, but i dont know whether the reality would really help him. It i dont know whether the reality would really help him. I dont know whether the reality would really help him. Id love to know where would really help him. Id love to know where he would really help him. Id love to know where he was would really help him. Id love to know where he was buried, would really help him. Id love to know where he was buried, so i i would really help him. Id love to know where he was buried, so i could go and dance on his grave. This monstrous man that felt that he could do that and that it was ok to do that, and that it was ok to rape people. I think there is a special place in hell for people like that. Is a reality that eva confronted. She grew up adopted, imagining a perfect family she would one day find. But when she met her birth mother, the truth was much darker. She had been abused from a young age by her father. She had been abused from a young age by herfather. And she had been abused from a young age by her father. And she she had been abused from a young age by herfather. And she had got pregnant at the age of ia. I was the result of that liaison. It made me feel unwanted. A freak. But i still wanted to know more. So i rang him. And i asked him, if he had done the things that he had been accused of. And he said yes, he had. And i said to him, do you feel remorse for what you did . And he said no, i dont. And i said, would you do it again . He said yes, i would. I wanted him to pay for what he had done. And the only way that i could see for that to happen was to go to the police. They said they needed evidence. And i said well, youve got the evidence standing right in front of you. I am living, Breathing Proof of the evidence. That this man raped someone. But they didnt seem to care. They didnt seem interested. Im glad ifound out where i came from. I needed to know. Im glad i found out where i came from. I needed to know. Im glad i found out where i came from. I needed to know. What was that driving from. I needed to know. What was that Driving Force from. I needed to know. What was that Driving Force to from. I needed to know. What was that Driving Force to find from. I needed to know. What was that Driving Force to find those that Driving Force to find those missing pieces . I that Driving Force to find those missing pieces . That Driving Force to find those missing pieces . I think it doesnt matter how missing pieces . I think it doesnt matter how horrible missing pieces . I think it doesnt matter how horrible the missing pieces . I think it doesnt matter how horrible the past missing pieces . I think it doesnt matter how horrible the past is. L matter how horrible the past is. Its like an itch that you cant scratch. , its like an itch that you cant scratch. And its like an itch that you cant scratch. And youve i its like an itch that you cant. Scratch. And youve just its like an itch that you cant scratch. And youve just got scratch. Yeah. And youve ust got to know. Youve scratch. Yeah. And youve ust got to know. Youve got h scratch. Yeah. And youve ust got to know. Youve got to h scratch. Yeah. And youve just got to know. Youve got to know. Scratch. Yeah. And youve just got to know. Youve got to know. Ed l to know. Youve got to know. Ed hels, to know. Youve got to know. Ed helps, but meeting and enabler has made me realise we are not going through this alone. And i know a bit about my own feelings, because they are just too painful to deal with. There must be other mums out there feeling the same way. X there must be other mums out there feeling the same way. Feeling the same way. X like if you inect feeling the same way. X like if you inject poison into feeling the same way. X like if you inject poison into somebody. Feeling the same way. X like if you inject poison into somebody. That| feeling the same way. X like if you i inject poison into somebody. That is exactly inject poison into somebody. That is exactly what happened to me. My father exactly what happened to me. My father injected our own genes into me. Father injected our own genes into me he father injected our own genes into me. He told me that all daddies miss the little me. He told me that all daddies miss the little girls. And that i fell pregnant. It the little girls. And that i fell pregnant the little girls. And that i fell reunant. � , pregnant. It wasnt ust about the ra e and pregnant. It wasnt ust about the rape and the h pregnant. It wasnt just about the rape and the physical pregnant. It wasnt just about the rape and the physical abuse. Pregnant. It wasnt just about the rape and the physical abuse. It i pregnant. It wasntjust about the i rape and the physical abuse. It was the emotional abuse. I rape and the physical abuse. It was the emotional abuse. Rape and the physical abuse. It was the emotional abuse. I really wanted to tell what was the emotional abuse. I really wanted to tell what was happening. The emotional abuse. I really wanted to tell what was happening. And the emotional abuse. I really wanted to tell what was happening. And i i to tell what was happening. And i couldnt tell a soul. I couldnt tell anybody what happened. Just what i tell anybody what happened. Just what i had been through. This child is going what i had been through. This child is going to what i had been through. This child is going to call me that as well. But i is going to call me that as well. But ijust is going to call me that as well. But ijust felt sick, just, no. One of my but ijust felt sick, just, no. One of my going but ijust felt sick, just, no. One of my going to do . | but ijust felt sick, ust, no. One of my going to do . But ijust felt sick, ust, no. One of my going to do . I felt like i was ust of my going to do . I felt like i was just so different of my going to do . I felt like i was just so different to of my going to do . I felt like i was just so different to everybody just so different to everybody else. And i just so different to everybody else. And i felt just so different to everybody else. And i felt so just so different to everybody else. And i felt so alone. Just so different to everybody else. And i felt so alone. And just so different to everybody else. And i felt so alone. And i just so different to everybody else. And i felt so alone. And i was and i felt so alone. And i was ashamed and i felt so alone. And i was ashamed of and i felt so alone. And i was ashamed of myself and i felt so alone. An