Jon thats our show, everybody. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Former mets catcher mike piazza will be here. I dont know what well talk about but hell be here. Here it is your moment of zen. I just feel for you, allen. Ive been out there a lot. I didnt realize how bad one feels being in the studio talking to someone who is shivering out on the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Good to see you. Welcome to the show. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it ben] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. Thank you so much. Good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] folks, nation, everybody in this country knows america is at cyber war. If you dont know that then you obviously have never seen the movie johnny knew monic or given your am exnumber toll volume 35. Where the hell are the max girth herbal settlements. You promised must satisfy in the sex time they wants so bad in all happy spots lax laugh the hackers have struck again. A hacker broke into the personal email accounts of members of bush family. The hacker known about it name gooseifer gained access to names, addresses and photos. Stephen thats right. Goosifer. Police have already release aid sketch of criminal. [laughter] thats the guy. President bush is now say private citizen, please. Some hacker has no right to spread his personal information all over the internet. Thats facebooks job. I condemn goosifer and i further condemn all journalists exploiting this violation toll fill air time. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] jimmy . [cheers and applause] do we have anything on this . [laughter] the most interesting items taken from the account, a pair of paintings from george w. Bush. Stephen yes, paingts by george w. Bush. President clinton has his Global Initiative and jimmy carter has habitat for humanity but now we know that george w. Bush is hard at work painting self portraits in the shower. [ laughter ] that say bold artistic vision that says faces are hard. [ laughter ] its not like the president sits around day painting shower portraits. He also did one taking a bath because after a hard days painting in the shower, theres nothing like a relaxing paint in the tub. Of course, we may never know exactly what the artist intended with these works but looking at the muted palette, the fusion of the delicate background, i think its safe to say, how can i kill some time before swamp wars. [laughter] nation, this morning i did what i always do, i went on Huffington Post to get my rage levels up and to check out the most adorable panda nip slips but when i was there i saw something truly shocking. Actual news. According to the 72point font pope out. Naturally i was shocked. The pope came out of the closet . [laughter] i mean it makes [cheers and applause] i mean it makes sense. The guy hasnt had a girlfriend in like forever and hes a total catch but it turned tout be something much more shock. The breaking news this morning, Pope Benedict saying he will resign. He will resign at the end of february. Stephen resign . The pope is quitting . Popes dont quit. God has a way of telling popes when its time to retire. Its called death, okay . [laughter] [cheers and applause] very few audiences are willing to applaud for death. [ laughter ] think about it, you didnt see jp2 trading his papal staff for a nine iron and moving to boca. A pope has not voluntarily resigned in 717 years. I mean what is even the ritual for announcing it . I know when the cardinals are voting, no pope is black smoke. A new pope is white smoke. I assume slacker spoap bong smoke. Slacker pope is bong smoke. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] why is the holy see saying holy see you later . Its strength of mind and body is necessary. Strength has tee deteriorating in me to the extend that i could accurately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me. Stephen really . Im calling p. M. It on this one. [cheers and applause] first of all, you dent get to leave for that . You think im mentally and physically up to doing my job . Absolutely not. Im duct taped to this chair every night and the only reason my lips are still moving is because they rub the top of my mouth with peanut butter. [ laughter ] Pope Benedict is clearly being pushed out. I know this may shock you but its possible that the Catholic Church is involved if a coverup. [ laughter ] i just i just cannot get over this. What is benedict going to do with himself in retirement . Become a walmart greeter, or i dont know take up a new hobby . I have no interest in seeing his self portrait in the shower. [ laughter ] think about this, okay. His departure is going to leave a terrible void. He is out on february 28 but the college of cardinals may not elect a new pope until the end of march. Do you realize what this means . We could have an entire month with no infallible person on earth. Theres no rules. Its like a Catholic Free for all, passion out pez disspencers full of birth control, using the lords name in vein, its like being a presbyterian. [ laughter ] who is on deck . Who is the next pope . Who is the next pope . Who comes next, we dont know. I love doing this, by the way, its more fun than anything ive done lately. Its a horse race. Stephen yes, its a horse race, thank you, chris. The rock on whom jesus built his church, yeah, basically the same as the iowa straw polls. [ laughter ] i could go for some mashed potatoes. [laughter] who is it going to be . Who is going tow about the next pope . For more lets head open to the papal speculatron 7500. [cheers and applause] welcome. Welcome to the papal speculatro where we take you down to paradise city, where the smoke is white and girls are not permitted. Lets look where you find catholics in the world. This area. [laughter] now, the early favorite is the archbishop of milan angelo scola until john paul ii italians held the papacy for 50 0 years. It was the ultimate dynasty like the yankees only with less money. Cardinal Mark Ouelette is a major front runner with one problem hes a canadian. P. M. Saying, i dont think god wants you to use a condom, aye, wont work. Who wants a pope with a staff like this. [ laughter ] some are brgt on a third world pope like ghanas Peter Turkson who would be the first block pope of 1500 years sending a message of inclusion and virtually guaranteeing tyler perrys madea goes to rome. [cheers and applause] hello. Hello. [laughter] folks, i say its high time we had an american pope. [cheers and applause] after all [cheers and applause] after all, god is an american. Thats why the intiebl in english. [ laughter ] and theres a great candidate. Timothy dolan is the most powerful catholic in the country, the president of president catholic bisons. Stephen even more important dole january my personal bff bishop friend forever. [cheers and applause] and tonight, tonight, ladies and gentlemen im giving Timothy Cardinal dolan the colbert bump. [cheers and applause] all you catholics out there, i want to you vote for him. What is that . We dont get to vote . That is taraspaciez. [ laughter ] when we return ill handicap when we return ill handicap this race with the chaplain of so free Credit Scores redesigned site has this new score planner tool with these cool sliders. This one lets us know what happens if we miss a payment. Oh. This one lets us know what happens if we use less credit. Yeah. Whats this one do . I dunno. Speaking mongolian. Score planner is free to everyone. Free score applies with enrollment in freecreditscore. Com mongolian slider still in beta. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, thank you for joining the broadcast already in progress. As you know, Pope Benedict has resigned. The question is who is going to get the nod for the top job . Joining me now chaplain of the colbert nation father jim martin. Thank you so much for joining me. [cheers and applause] father jim, were you shocked this morning when you learned the pope would be resigning . I was. Its not unexpected because he talked about it sort of obliquely but i dont think anybody was expecting it. Stephen its completely unexpected. I talk about running the new york city mamplet im never going to do it. No pope has resigned voluntarily since the pope in 1294. Theres barely any trees on the planet who remember this. What happens now . There is no tradition for this. What happens . No theres not. Theres a conclave, an election when the cardinals gather. Stephen theres still going to be a pope when they elect a new one. Hes going to resign on february 28. Theres no pope, a vacant seat and someone will take over in his place temporarily. Stephen who takes over . Who is mini pope for a while . [laughter] the person known as the chamberlain will take over for a bit but the pope will apparently retire and write books. I heard he is moving to a convent, believe it or not. Stephen wow. Is that cricket hes the pope he can do whatever he wants. Stephen you heard me give the colbert bump to cardinal dolan. Could there be an american pope . I think its very unlikely but if there is one it would be him buts unlikely. Stephen why, america, we have the best catholics. [ laughter ] we do. American catholics. Shocking other people dont see that. Stephen really . Cardinals that come from other countries and other parts of world bring the same kind of biases that their fellow countrymen and women would have and america is not most popular nation worldwide. Stephen theres almost never a first ballot pope, right . Its unusual but theres been some. Stephen can i tell you the theory . I think on the first ballot everybody just votes for themselves. You know, on the off chance they go like, you know what maybe im so humble i dont know theres a groundswell behind me. Well see what is going on. Why not me. Why not . Peeking of which, why not me . I could be pope . [cheers and applause] is it possible . [crowd chanting see stephen] what would you choose as your name be if you were pope . Stephen im a big fan of urban, i would be urban the iii. Not suburban. Stephen father chuckles, absolutely. It seems to me its a problem to have an expope while youve got a present pope because you have a very opinionated expope. What if the new pope gets on the balcony there and says stuff that the new pope doesnt like. Suddenly the old pope shows up and goes, youre crazy. Then you have an avignon situation again. You see someone in benedict able to relinquish the raines of power. Here is someone free with that i think its probableity last thing he would do. Stephen we dont know. It hasnt happened in 700 years. Youre right we dont know. Stephen father jim thank you. His new ebook is[cheers and ap] stephen welcome bark everybody. My guest tonight say Pulitzer Prize winning author whose new book is called why preach. Answer cause god. Please welcome garry wills. Boom. Boom. Mrs. Wills mr. Wills, thank you for joining america its all catholic all the time tonight. Yes. Stephen you are a pulitzerprize winning author of many books including why i am a catholic paipel sins and lincoln at gettysburg. Your new book is called why preach a failed tradition. What do you mean failed snl its been over thousands of years. What is failed about that . Well, they continue to pretend to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of jesus which doesnt happen. Stephen you hold it right there, buddy . Are you a catholic . Yes. Stephen you dont believe in it . Was augustine a catholic. Stephen early catholic hadnt developed yet. Third century. He said its ridiculous that we eat god, digest god and excreate god. Said the body of christ is us, the followers of jesus. Stephen of course, you are what you eat. If we take the eucharist we become the body of christ. We dont consume him, he consumes us. Stephen he said this is my body this, is my blood. There he was in his body. He said eat this bred, its my body. He didnt say take a chunk out of my arm or tap my blood. [laughter] stephen if jesus is in heaven and on earth how can they be in two place as the once. Its the trin jit a mystery. Stephen the eucharist is also a mystery. No, its a fake. [ laughter ] stephen lets get back to priests. Yes. Stephen surely you had some good experience with priests. Many. Stephen are you calling them fool . They are brothers in christ as long as they dont pretend to do the impossible they do wonderful things. Stephen christ rose from the dead. Yes. Stephen how can you accept that and not accept that god can work through the priest top transsub stan shiite. Nothing in the bible stephen upon this rock i build my church and the gates of hell should not prevail against it. That didnt say he was a priest. [ laughter ] stephen no but st. Paul says thou are a priest forever that was not st. Paul. Stephen thats not paul . Nobody knows who wrote it. Its a mysterious anonymous document. Stephen isnt it in the bible . Yes. Stephen then god wrote it. [ laughter ] okay. [ laughter ] you are right its from that epivotel of epistle of hebrews. Since jesus couldnt become a priest in jewish law they said, well, there was a priest of high god and abraham offered him a tithe and so jesus will be in the line of him and he wasnt even a jew. Its a crazy letter. Stephen are you a jew . No steerntle neither am i so that works for me. [ laughter ] when you die, not soon i hope, when you die are you going to want a priest there to give you last rites . No. Stephen why . Because its an invented sacrament that had no foundation in the early church. The prayer of the body of christ is a prayer of all my fellow christians. Id like a private or any other christian to be there praying with me. Hes a brother in christ but hes not the only conduit of gods grace. Stephen priest have dedicated their lives to this . Well, they say so. Stephen would you rather no priests at all. Yes. Stephen what about pope . Arent they a priest . Stephen a superpriest. Would you like it to go benedict the 16th to nobody the first. Very good idea. Stephen is there any value to the proofthood you think we would be losing if we got rid of all priests . Leadership in the community, protestant and catholic is always good. The priests can do that. Thats fine. Teach the bible. You teach the bible. Stephen yeah, on this show. [laughter] where do you go after this . The barnes and noble in hell . [laughter] [cheers and applause] i pray not. Stephen you pray not, so do i. Garry wills, everybody. [cheers and applause] the book is whyriest priest