Its its great to know i have your support. While i am primarily a pundit and newsman my media empire extends all throughout the entertainment industry. Because in addition to this show i have my best selling childrens book. My alpha squad 7 graphic novel and my Family Friendly ku klux cartoons. Call me anything, jr. , okay, or youre the racist. But even media moguls like me got to stay connected to the fans. And theres no better place to do that than at this weekends San Diego Comic Con where every conceivable scifi, tv show or book moneymaker for at least 130,000 rabid attendees. It is an orgy of people who will probably not be invited to the orr gy. laughter but besides, besides being the super bowl of marketing. It is also the world series of cosplay. You can be batman, superman, dead pool, hawk cat, lady thor, mystique, princess leia, bobafet bobafet with boo bs. Walter white, walter quite with boo bs. I know who im going as next year. And while the avengers and mad max and batman an superman were all there this year, one superhero stole the show. How are you doing, comic con. cheers and applause stephen, stephen, steve if i could only go back in time and show this to my 13yearold self. Yes, i hosted the hobbit the battle of five armies, the panel. And everybody in the cast was there, it was a magical afternoon. My only disappointment was with comic con at all was that this weekend i was really hoping to see Daniel Radcliffe who i knew was at comic con pushing his new film horns who i am not going to mention on my show. No free rides, daniel. Got to say it sounds good, go see it. I wanted to just set him straight about something he said on a press line last week. What is your ideal post probably the face on i guess like ice cream. Ice cream. Yeah. What flavor . Stephen colberts flavor, right. Harry potter reaches for me after dumbde doing it. And im not surprised. Im not surprised. Ice cream is the official snack of just having had sex or giving up on it entirely. laughter now folks heres my beef with d rad. Daniel, youre not supposed to eat it after sex, are you supposed to eat it during sex. Thats what the waffle cone pieces are for. Theyre ridged for your pleasure. laughter so enjoy, please, enjoy. But by the way, just a warning, just a warning, do not try this with Jimmy Fallons flavor late night blast. laughter folks, these days these days it has going fashionable for politicians to attack the rich. Well, you know what they say sticks an stones may brack my bones but my Security Team will shoot you. Sorry socialists, are you not going to make me feel guilty. Being rich is fantastic it is wonderful t is garglegadong which is a word describing the pleasure of wealth which cannot be translated into foretalk. The problem is sometimes when im riching and town i will accidentally catch glimpse of a nonrich person. Then i get a funny feeling in my heart, apparently i have an allergy to nonwealthy people called empathy. laughter my doctor said there may never be a cure because its not a disease. Please, give generously. Fortunately the free market has found the way to make the 1 feel 99 better and it brings me to tonights word. cheers and applause see no equal. All too often we superwealthy find ourselves coming in contact with the money disabled. But soon, soon we could all be saved that unpleasantness thanks to the example set by a new apartment complex here in new york city. The controversial ruling in new york city. A developer plan to include a poor door in a luxury apartment complex. The building will have 219 units overlooking the waterfront and 55 affordable units that face the street. The idea, sparking backlash because it require as fordable living tenants to enter the building using a separate door through a back alley. Stephen yes. A poor door because if i dont see something, i dont want to know about, it doesnt exist. And that makes me happy. laughter folks, its just like its just like the old saying, out of sight, out of sight. laughter and i believe that separate doors are great. As another luxury home builder david von frequentelson recently von frequentelled, i think its unfair to expect very high income homeowners who paid a fortune to live in their building to have to be in the same boat as low income renters who are very fortunate to live in a new building in a great neighborhood. Yes. They get to live in a new building in a great neighborhood. What else do they want. Dignity . Now whos greedy . And folks, if you think about it, theres a sound moral principles behind separate wealth based entrances. Jesus himself said it is easier for a came told go through the eye of a needle then for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Thats why the rich use the separate entrance to heaven. That needle one smells all camelly. If anything, folks cheers and applause i believe just one poor door is not enough. Because if im paying over 25 million for a penthouse apartment, why should i have to be stuck in an elevator with whatever vagrant is dwelling in the 15 Million Dollar half el one floor beneath me. Under 20 Million Dollars, what is this bang da lesh bangladesh . No, poor doors poor doors are just the latest in a trend that helps us haves no the have to see the have nots. We have skyboxes, set of bleachers, personal shoppers instead of going to a store and an airport, first class has its own tsa lane. I mean even the happiest place on earth is happier for us because we can pay up to an extra 500 an hour to skip to the front of lines at disney world. Even better, we get to meet snow whites top secret 8th dwarf. laughter but as exclusive as all these perks are, i think occasionally i still run into average people like my chauffeur or my chef. And i just got to say, what is the point of being rich if you cant be left alone with your money . Thats all we ask. laughter there must be a simple way to get away from average people. I dont need a penthouse. I would settle for something small and luxurious. Maybe a tiny silk lined apartment with a pillow to lay my head on. Just room for one. Carved on a single piece of mahogony with brass handles for sticks for my servants to carry me to my country place. Its not a big piece of land but at least its in a gated community. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause take the tmobile test drive. Try the Network Designed Data strong on the oneandonly iphone 5s free for 7 days. Sign up at tmobile. Com testdrive welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, cheers and applause folks, time was to be famous you had to ride the bus whether it was acting or jumping or owning a large pair of pants. But these days fame is finally democratized. Just look at Kim Kardashian. I am a huge fan of whatever it is she does. laughter she has proven that becoming a celebrity can be a skill all of its own. And now the tragically famed deficient can get a taste of her superstardom at americas most exclusive boutique, the app store. Reality star Kim Kardashian launched a new video game called Kim Kardashian in the game she instructs users how to become alist celebrities. They start out on the e list, not a far stretch from her own life. Stephen thats right. The Kim Kardashian hollywood app simulates her rise to the a list. To win you must carefully navigate some 20 levels or upload one sex tape. You begin as a lowly e list store clerk until you are approached by kim who is having a fashion emergency. You help her pick from one of two dresses. Then have a choice between giving it to her for no charge or playing the different game because that is the only option. But once kim takes you under her wing, you tap your way through the hottest photo shoots, the trendiest runway shows and the most vacuous celebrity parties avoiding anything that could set back your career. Post hip do not date randy cade. The goal is to bring your avatar from the e list to the a list which takes hours of tapping on your screen. But all the hard work youre putting in is just as real as the fame youre achieving. laughter best of all kim is offering this virtual friendship for free. All she gets in return is bringing joy to her fans and 85 million. She might be able to take some time off from, again, i do not know what she does. cheers and applause her cash comes from inapp purchases. Users can spend as much as 99. 99 for 175,000 virtual dollars which they can then use to buy the lightning bolts of energy needed to complete paths. Of course a real celebrity without never buy energy. Your assistant picks up grams of energy for you from some guy with a face tattoo behind the in n out burger. Folks, seeing average america throw away millions on a celebrity iphone game is disturbing because im not that celebrity. Well that ends tonight. Im proud to introduce my app Steven Stephen colbert, id tap that. The game begins cheers and applause the game begins when your avatar meets world famous celebrity Stephen Colbert and i greet with you my famous catchphrase, give me 5. And unlike kims game you have options am you can give me 5 or you can give me 10. Thats if you write to c list friend level where you have the chance to give me 20. So folks, download now and start tapping your money my way. I need it. Im just a few dollars short of the silver shutter shades. I need to get to be invited to kims miami beach house. Please notice me. Please well be right back. Please notice me cheers and applause people often ask, is whatever, usa a one trick pony . No. Its a two trick pony. Three if you count the towns boat load of bud light. Bud light is creating a town this summer and you can go. Find out more at upforwhatever. Com. Blue shirt well you can with these 2in1s. They have a powerful intel processor inside which allows them to be both a laptop and a tablet. Student and lightning. Fencing coach see right here, youve got to make the attack. Vo save 100 on select hp 2in1s. Best buy americas back to school techfitter. Were trying our best to be role models. Dels. We dont jump at the sound of the opening bell, because were trying to make the school bell. Corner booth beats Corner Office any day. We make the most of our time. And our money. The 2014 malibu. Highest ranked midsize car in initial quality the car for the richest guys on earth. Aland feel proud of that, get out of the way. Because Peanut Butter is about to give it 125 . Snickers Peanut Butter squared. Now with 25 more Peanut Butter. What if he doesnt pick up . Hes my dad, ok. He always picks up. Chuuucky. Hows my boy doing . Uhh, were actually stuck in the middle of i27 right now. Hearing you loud and clear im on my way. Great. Thank you, dad oh honey bowl my next frame. Ill be back in 10. But were winning. The boys need me see, i told you hed pick up. We have a great dad. I have a great dad. When people count on you, count on americas newest network. Now with better call quality and High Definition voice. Happy connecting. Stephen welcome back, everybody meyer guest is a multiplatinum grammy winning singer songwriter or you may know him, a loser. Please welcome beck cheers and applause hey, beck. Thanks for being here, man. Rabbi, thank you for joining us. Unless this is an amish look you are going for. Its kind of a mixture. Stephen either yentl or witness, well find out. I havent seen you since you crashed on my couch in l. A. Thank you for the kindness. Stephen no problem. Everybody knows who you are. I dont need to go through your cd. Lets get straight to the heat of the meat. Youve got a new album called morning phase. Uhhuh, pretty meaty. Stephen its pretty meaty. The morning face, this is a kind letter gentler more contemplative beck here, a little folky in here. A little quiet, a little bit slow, good for massages, aroma therapy. Stephen do you have any like trying to break into that. Stephen any flute. A little. Stephen great, you should actually sell it as at starbucks with a little massage oil. Right. Stephen you know, essential oils. Why dow jump around in sometimes so many times. It must be hell on record store clerks to figure out where to put your next album. You know, ill put it under neo lowfi rave funk. Why do you zip around some of. Why not just settle down in one style and be happy. I dont know. I just my to settle down. Stephen if somebody met you for the first time, didnt know your music and said so you are a musician, what is your music like. Kind of how you described it, i think. Stephen theyo lowfi rave funk. Yeah. Jungle dub coolout lounge banjo as well. Stephen cool out lounge banjo. Is there any of this. A lot of. Stephen your last project song reader was just sheet music. You didnt record it. Thats right. Stephen okay. Why did why did you do that . Were a lot of fans coming up to you saying i love your music, i just hate you playing it. laughter i got tired of. Stephen dow ever feel any pressure when youve written something you think is good that you might screw it up when you record it. I think that all the time. I think there are songs that are good and then i record them and theyre not as good. Stephen like theyre perfect up here, theyre perfect up here. Or i can hear somebody else singing it better. Stephen that has been turned into an album as well. Song leader, you produced that. A compilation. Stephen other people having recorded your music. And there a jack white song there an jeff tweedy from willco. Stephen are they better at your music than you are. I think they are, yeah. Stephen okay. Yeah. I think im on to something. Stephen no, no. This latest album, i heard two of the songs you will be doing tonight. It is its a softer, more contemplative, why beck is beck i shall why is beck sad. I just need a hug. cheers and applause stephen well be right back with beck, morning phase. Water has a persistence. A persistence to cut through mountains and carve out valleys. It takes the same kind of determination to build your dreams. In 1873, adolph coors came here to build his. A dream of brewing a beer with pure Rocky Mountain water and to this day, its made the same way. Persistence. It has its benefits. Coors. The banquet beer. Honey, look i got one to land. Uhhuh. vo theres good more. Honey, look at all these smart rewards points verizon just gave me. Ooh, you got a buddy. Im like a statue. I just signed up and, boom, all these points. And theres notsogood more. Youre a big guy. Oh no. Get the good more with Verizon Smart rewards and rack up points to use towards the things you really want. Get the lg g3 for 199. 99. Have the protein and fuel to fire you up. Hot pockets got protein to pleeease cuz every bite has got my hot ham and cheeeeese hey pinata i got energyyy from my, my hot pockets my hot pockets with the protein of premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. Its food that fires you up hot pockets my hot pockets nestle. Good food, good life. Stephen here with a new song from his album morning face, ladies and gentlemen, beck. Look around your only what you will when youre standing still where it goes. Follow the drum i have a light up there why does it hurt this way always a drum for everyone everyone you find someone to show me how to play the drum just let it go heart is a drum down down down bringing me down day after day turning me round cheers and applause stephen beck, morning phase, good night, everybody it is 11 59 and 59 seconds, this happened on instagram. That was from the gathering of the juggalos. Captured by dj paul three six mafia, asked the age old question is it technically a lap dance if you dont have a lap . Comeem comoo comedians if you happened to come across this picture on instagram, what would y