Czechoslovakia in 1938, says the world is a mess. laughter and for her, nazi exile is a fond childhood memory. laughter folks, i dont enjoy covering this kind of heart wrenching news, and neither does my network. Mounting death tolls do not move a lot of jack links jerky. laughter theyre just good people trying to sell some call the sasquatch meat. laughter but its my duty as a newsman to grit my teeth and bring you the major stories, no matter how hard it may be to say it. Very hard to say it. laughter applause and with that in mind, i bring you my new segment i need a drink. laughter okay. applause jimmy, im ready for the big story. Intensive attacks in the past 24 hours. More explosions in gaza. Two deadly blasts monday. The first killing ten children playing on this busy street. Death spread all around. Stephen okay. This beer just got outgunned. applause laughter stephen all right. Lets do this. Israelis and palestinians. What youve got here is the violent consequence of decades of victimization and unprovoked aggression. I think you know which side im talking about. Its the muffled speech into the glass okay. Im one for one. What else you got in the old news hopper . A troubling escalation in fighting in ukraine. Russia is directly, directly attacking ukraine with deadly force. Fierce fighting near the wreckage of Malaysia Airlines flight 17. Stephen ahhaaaa, theyre fighting near the site of last weeks plane crash which i had almost managed to forget okay laughter cheers and applause tell you what, next week, syria maybe you could stop by with your nerve gas and turn this horror doubleheader into an atrocityducken come on, news that all you got . taliban gunmen stopped three mini buses friday and simply shot 14 passengers to death. Stephen okay. cheers and applause lets move on from the international stories. How about some science stories . They cure any big diseases . This is the largest Ebola Outbreak weve ever seen in history. laughter cheers and applause emptying drink with straw stephen ebola. Good thing i stocked up on the brown purell. laughter so to recap, everything is the worst, and were all going to be sad forever. At least we have hollywood to distract us. You know what would cheer me up . The comedic stylings of a brassy and loveable dame who has seen the worst and come out on the other side with a song in her heart and smile on her face. Famed hollywood and broadway star Elaine Stritch has died. Stephen bleep that. Okay. You know what . Lets go to the hard stuff. There you go. laughter cheers and applause stephen this alcohol is isopropriate. laughter well, that concludes Stephen Colberts i need a drink, which didnt work. Either the booze is broken, or the news is too sobering. Okay. Shake it off, colbert. Youre a pro. Move on. Move on. Thats enough death and destruction. Lets turn to something that evidently will never die and cannot be destroyed. Sarah palin. laughter cheers and applause ive always been a huge fan of sarah palin. Shes a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. In the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment. laughter and this week, in her continuing quest to remind america of her existence, palin announced a new project. Hello and welcome to a new project. This is a news channel that really is a lot more than news. Are you tired of the media filters . Well, i am. I always have been, so were gonna do something about it. Were gonna make this easy too. You can watch our channel right here on your computer, tablet or even on your smartphone. Well talk about the issues that the Mainstream Media wont talk about and well look at the ideas that mmm i think washington doesnt want you to hear. Stephen yes, the all sarah palin channel its exactly what shes always done, only mmm nothing else. laughter cuz, folks, its 247 palintainment streamed right to your phone, with the help of tapp, which it turns out is a Media Company and not, as i first assumed, the name of one of her children. laughter and like the woman herself, the sarah palin channel is all about sarah palin. Well also share some of the fun that goes on in the palin household and a lot of our adventures in the Great Outdoors trying to just get us from point a to point b and, believe me, it is fun because its real life. Stephen yeah, its fun because its real life. Thats why i always tiv0 that exciting staring contest on the mirror channel. laughter that show is amazing how is it always a tie . hes good. laughter this is all part of sarahs continuing mission to protect our freedoms at any cost. Specifically, 9. 95 a month. laughter sure, thats more than netflix. But its just as good as house of cards with even more threatening monologues into camera. laughter this channel offers you something more, by offering you less. As the site notes, we feel that the community would feel more secure knowing everyone watching, uploading videos and participating in the discussions and video chats was a contributing member. Thats right, its a safe space where likeminded folks can hear things they already agree with from someone whose opinion they already know. A place where we palinheads can gather and ask the important questions. Among the most popular, apparently, is what is your Cancellation Policy . laughter because we palin fans want to be just like her and quit halfway through our commitment. laughter but if 9. 95 sounds too rich rich for your blood, sign up for my new premium web channel Stephen Colberts angry echo chamber. For just 9. 94, its a community of people just like you, if you have a valid credit card. Well discuss the washington issues of the day and the issues of the night, like where did the sun go . laughter plus, Stephen Colberts angry echo Chamber Gives you 247 access to everything i do. Like footage of me making and eating a b. L. T. laughter is that what i spent your ten bucks on . The answer might surprise you. laughter and you might even see your name on my channel when i deposit your checks in an a. T. M. laughter and sarah palins channel only takes you from point a to point b but you can follow me all the way to point c, point d, then back to point b when i realize i left my sunglasses there. laughter thats reallife fun and remember, sarah palins channel is sarapalinchannel. Com, not thesarahpalinchannel. Com. We bought that one today. cheering and its free cheers and applause well be right back Peanut Butter creme, thin mints, caramel and coconut. That looks pretty good. You should probably stand back. Excuse me . You should get back [ indistinct shouting ] [ Cash Register beeping ] thank you. Youre welcome. [ male announcer ] nestle crunch girl scout candy bars are here but not for much longer. Dont miss out on the irresistible combination of nestle crunch and your favorite girl scout cookie flavors. Hurry. Before theyre all gone. Nestle. Good food, good life. Its Olive Gardens first ever alfredo three course. It starts with our famous alfredo made from scratch. Gone. And features four new recipes. Like shrimp caprese and chicken with broccoli. The three course italian dinner served with unlimited salad and breadsticks plus dessert. Starting at 11. 99. At olive garden. It still doesnt feel real. Our time together was. So short. Well, since you had progressives total loss coverage, we were able to replace your totaled bike with a brandnew one. The tank. The exhaust. Well, she looks just like roxie you know, ill bet shes in a better place now. Flo i know she is. I feel it in my heart. [ heavenly choir sings ] actually, the old roxies over at the junkyard. Flo kkhkkh getting you back on a brandnew bike. Now, thats progressive. water dripping and dont juspipes clanging ncisco. Visit tripadvisor san francisco. soothing sound of a shower with millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better. So i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is a new orleans jazz musician. Ill ask him how life in the superdome is these days. Please welcome jon batiste cheers and applause thank you, mr. Batiste for being here uhhuh stephen are you here . Im here. Stephen are you alive on the planet now . Im hanging in. Stephen your work crossed with a lot of boundaries, you featured in spikilys red hook summer and the h. B. O. Series tramay was based in part on your family. Yeah. Stephen are you the one with the dragons . Is that your family . No, we just got a field of cows, you know. Stephen a field of cows, okay. This is the new orleans one. Theres a fair amount of nudity in the tramay. Is there a fair amount of nudity in your family . Well theres a fair amount of nudity in my life, you know. cheering stephen congratulations, my friend lets talk jazz a second here. Oh, yeah. Stephen youre going to jazz at us in a little while. Yeah. Stephen do i need a College Professor to explain jazz with a cigarette and diagram . Do i need someone to explain to me why i do enjoy a modal scale . You can go that right, do anything you like, its america laughter but i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man. Improvisation is forever. Everybodys always improvising. You might like reading scripts, but audience reacts laughter aye stephen how are ya . How are ya . Doing good. Stephen great to have you here, man. Great to have you. Explain how your music works. You call it social music. Yeah, its social because its meant to be shared. Its meant to be danced to, you can cry to it, laugh to it. The thing about social music is the world is global now, everythings more connected with internet and all this stuff, social media. So if you take music, im a jazz musician and thats what i wrote the music in but i draw from all styles. Stephen jazz is an american art form. Yeah. Stephen you say its global. Dont give away our art form to the rest of the world. Its our art form, brother it is, but i guess its okay to be closedminded. Stephen its americanminded, not closedminded. audience reacts its not closed minded we cannot be openminded any more than we can be openbordered. laughter we have all this jazz and if we let the aliens in its luke the music has been invaded by little goguatemalans its about shared. Stephen its about socialism. No, its about sharing experiences. You share the experience as a genuine human exchange. Stephen now were having a human moment now. Yeah, and we share it. Stephen i understand, but but its still mine. Stephen but is it mine, too . It can be if you want it to be audience reacts stephen well, whats mine is mine. And whats yours is yours. And together were doin the show. cheering will you stick around and do that again . applause yeah, we can do it as many times as you would like,. Like, more than i would like to know. Stephen thank you, jon jon. Batiste, stick around and share your music with us. All right. Stephen the album. Hey pal . You ready . Can you pick me up at 6 30 . Ah. boy im here im here cop too late. I was gone for five minutes ugh move it. Youre killing me. You know what, dad . Im good. dad it may be quite a while before hes ready, but our Subaru Legacy will be waiting for him. vo the longestlasting midsize sedan in its class. Introducing the allnew Subaru Legacy. Its not just a sedan. Its a subaru. Have the protein and fuel to fire you up. Hot pockets got protein to pleeease cuz every bite has got my hot ham and cheeeeese hey pinata i got energyyy from my, my hot pockets my hot pockets with the protein of premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. Its food that fires you up hot pockets my hot pockets nestle. Good food, good life. Hot pockets my hot pockets break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Steves bbq. G to my barbecue . Ya ya is this right . Oh hey guys subway is bringing big barbecue flavor with the applewood pulled pork. Slowcooked to tender perfection. Subway. Eat fresh. You fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance. Uld save Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know words really can hurt you . What. . Jesse dont go jesse. No im sorry daisy, but im a loner. And a loner gotta be alone. Heee yawww geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Jesse . Stephen get ready to dance because here with the song off new social music, ladies and gentlemen, john batiste and stay human. Stephen well be right back you got a Little Something on the back of your shoe there. A price tag danger price tag alert oh. Hey, guys. Price tag alert is this normal . Well, progressive is a price tag free zone. We let you tell us what you want to pay, and we help you find options to fit your budget. Where are they taking him . I dont know. This seems excessive decontamination in progress. I dont want to tell you guys your job, but. Policies without the price tags. Now, thats progressive. So i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. [ jackhammer pounding, horns honking ] [ siren wailing ] visit tripadvisor miami. [ bird chirping ] with millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better. Hot pockets got protein to pleeease hey pinata i got energyyy from premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. My hot pockets from premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. Aland feel proud of that, get out of the way. Because Peanut Butter is about to give it 125 . Snickers Peanut Butter squared. Now with 25 more Peanut Butter. Stephen well, jon, thats it for the report. Keep it human good night cheers and applause stephen sorry. And andres going as han solo. Oh the boys are stormtroopers and little baby ben is an ewok. Oh oh aw, you dont have enough children. Happy halloween parties, everyone. You all look great. Ham. Pig. Let me guess. Youre a flimsy excuse to be shirtless, wearing silk underwear. And you are as wrong as you are welcome. Now, this year, i planned a twoperson costume with annie. Shes going as my ring girl. [all scream] [dramatic music] pretty freakydeaky, huh . Annie, no. I meant the boxing match ring girl. Theyre the sexy ones that hold the round numbers. Yeah, see . This is why we cant just text about it, jeff. I dont watch sports. But theres no boxer in the ring. Yeah, well, i dont watch scary movies. And thats why we leave the couples costumes to the couples, she said wisely. You should probably warn your boyfriends boyfriend. Just because were dating doesnt mean that we have to do everything together. Well, you need to do some things together. We do some things. We do a lot of things. [gasps] not all the things. Things. Okay, so, were all here, minus pierce, who wasnt invited to vickis party for reasons beyond our control or concern. No mystery there. She put a pencil through his face. [laughter] does vicki have a tv . Abed, its a party. Youre not watching tv. No, ill be watching annie. She started watching cougar town reruns, which makes annie my third favorite show, and tonight is their hallowine special. Ooh, thats right. Better not miss the merlot. Clink what . You fall into it. That was pierce. He accidentally locked himself in his panic room and he needs our help. Oh oh no, oh oh means we are going against our will, and we are not going. Hes lying. He seemed pretty upset, and hes been all alone up there in that mansion ever since i moved out, and his dad, you know, got killed by jeff. Hmm, calling for help. A classic call for help