Thats ou show, here it is, our moment of zen. If it were not for tmz a gossip site obtaining these security video Baltimore Raven would still be paying ray rice 10 million a year. The second video is kin. Stephen tonight, the Casino Industry suffers a huge loss, but dont tell their wife. They can win it back. Then a new way to trace money in politics, and too late, they found a new way to hide it. laughter and my guest Henry Kissinger is a former u. S. Secretary of state. Hell be performing nikki minajs anaconda. Researchers say there may be a male Birth Control shot by 2017, by will sit in your wallet until 2020. This is the colbert report cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you very much. Good to have you with us. cheers and applause thank you so nachings, thank you so much, everybody. Folks, please sit down. Nation, yeah, as you know, by now if you were watching this if you were watching this, folks, if you were watching this on a television, and i hope you are, by now president obama has gone on the air tonight to outline his plan to degrade and destroy destroy isis. Reports are with only 15 minutes long it would make sense. You dont need a whole lot of time to say my fellow americans laughter then i assume he fills out the hour by doing weather and sports. Now i tape my show at 7 00, folks, so i have no idea what he said tonight. All i know is that i completely agree with what Andrea Tantaros said at 5 00, four hours before the president s speech. Im very deeply troubled by what he will say. Stephen i couldnt have agreed more. laughter because i also have not seen it, and i am furious about what i any it will be. laughter well have full coverage of the speech tomorrow, whether or not i ever watch it. laughter golf there is another failure of International Leadership out there. His holliness the dalai lama. Dont let the smile fool you, folks, this guy is no fun. He always chooses the four noble truths and never the noble dare. laughter and now shamma lama ding dong over here has made a huge announcement that will affect all of our lives including our future ones because he sees no need for a successor saying quote, we had a dalai lama for almost 5 centuries. The dalai lama now is very popular. Let us then finish with a popular dalai lama. Boom lama out. He then dropped the karma and walked off stage. applause so looks like hes doing buddha karate. I will not hit you. So it looks like tibetan buddhists may not be getting a 15th dalai lama which is a shame, they are only one lama away from getting a free meatball sub. Subway, life is suffering. Apparently, the old dl wants to go out on top. He claims if a weak dalai lama comes along, it will then just disgrace the dalai lama. Yeah, i understand that. You have to quit when youre ahead. We used to have a great president , then we had to get one more and ended up with this guy. Who is probably a secret buddhist what with all the meditation he does between words. America cannot wait forever, for them to act. laughter now of course once again the dlam is just playing politics here am because he fears that china will split tibetan buddhism w one new dalai lama named by exiled and one by china after his death. Thats right, double lama drama. laughter and im not exactly sure how theyre picked, but if it is anything like the pope and they release white smoke, im pretty sure china has been picking their lama for years. So with the tibetan cheers and applause so with the tibetan people and the Chinese Government at odds over the rightful heir to tibetan leadership, theres only one solution. I will be the 15th dalai lama. cheers and applause i mean its winwin. I mean hey, beijing, im willing to play ball here, okay. I believe tibet has always been part of china, ever since you guys proved it was with all those guns. And for all you tibetans out there watching, sure this dalai lama spent the last half century spreading the message of a Free Democratic tibet, spiritual enlightenment and bagging himself a nobel peace prize. But on the other hand, i have achieved nothing. Doesnt that really make me the better buddhist . cheers and applause of course, folks, we all know the world is too complicated to see in black and white. Thats why i see it in tip and wag. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. Boom cheers and applause first up, folks, i am a junkie for all things so i was on cloud nine when i heard about this. Nasa astronaut will get quite the sweet deal at the International Space station, Barry Wilmore is headed there for six months on september 25th. Astronaut Barry Wilmore asked nasa you can get me the new se cnet work in space. They did it hell get to watch College Football. Stephen thats right, astronaut barry woil more convinced nasa to get him College Football for the six months hes on the space station. And you know hes going get reception because hes only about 40 feet from the satellite. laughter and it makes sense that an as fro naught as fro thought would want to watch football on tv in orbit, otherwise there is nothing to do but gaze at the miracle of gods cree says creation s so tonight im giving a wag of my finger to nasa for outman caving every other sports fan on earth. Come on our pimped out our pimped out testosterrooms this is how we measure our worth as men. I thought i had a good set up with my 80 inch flat screen, hash mark carpet. These show the world i will spare no expense on my greatest passion, screaming obscenities at athletes who cannot hear me. But now nasa has gone where no man cave has gone before. Oh, some guy, thought he was a big shot when he dropped 2 million converting his basement into the bat cave. Youre adorable. Try 150 billion over 16 years and its still not done. Theyre waiting on the russkies to deliver the budweiser billiard lamb. Nasas orbital bropit has it all. Floor to ceiling electronics, zero g recliners and as fro naught barry can drij all the beer he wants without having to go to the bathroom because can just me into a vacuum tube. Although, although, full disclosure, i have done that on earth. Next up, next up, nation, as a celebrity who has earned your trust by being famous, i work hard to protect my personal brand. I simply cant get my name be associated with low quality products. I mean say what you will about Stephen Colberts razor slinky. But it was made from the highest quality ribbon blade. And when it comes to discriminating branding, my hero is donald trump or the trumpel. He lends his name only to a select few luxurious products. Suits, shirts, neck ware, eyewear, leather goods, lighting, mattresses, books, chocolate, water, cologne, mirrors. Though it is shocking that trump would let a mirror out of his sight. So personally i love his latee power move. Donald trump is suing the trump taj mahal in trump plaza in Atlantic City to stop using his name. He says their Poor Condition is hurting his personal brand. In a lawsuit filed tuesday the billionaire accused Trump Entertainment Resorts of violating its Licensing Agreement by allowing the trump taj ma jal ma hall and trump plaza to fall into an utter state of disrepair. The suit also ponts to negative Online Reviews from customers calling both properties a trump dump. Stephen thats right. A trump dump. Thats an insult and a trademark infringement. Trump dump is already licenced to donalds line of luxury stool softeners. Guaranteed to provide you with the classiest, most magnificent platinum grade velvety top shelf doodoo possible. So im giving a wag of the finger to these casinos for taking the trump name in vain. They cant blame these subtrump conditions on donald. He hasnt had any real role in these casinos since resigning as chairman of the board in 2009 when his Gambling Company filed for bankruptcy for the third time. Not his fault. It is notoriously difficult to make money in the gambling business. You see, donald trump, hold on, this just in over the trump newswire applause oh, here we go. Here we go. Oh no oh no, yesterday trump enter tainment resorts filed for bankruptcy again. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Just so, so tragic. laughter folks, im just glad donald trump is no longer connected with these terrible brands. He cant have people associate the name trump with shabby, os ten day does huts that have crumbled into parodies of themselves. Sure back in the 80 ease they had a moment of respectability but now theyre way past their prime. Getting by on their name and appealing only to the confused and the elderly. But there is just so much you can do with a colourful paint job and a weird golden roof. Well be right back. cheers and applause avo when cold refreshment calls. Coors light answers. Frost brewed coors light. The worlds most refreshing beer. Of your daily routine. So why treat your mouth any differently. Brushing alone does less than half the job leaving behind millions of germs. Complete the job with listerine®. Kill up to 99 percent of germs. And prevent plaque, early gum disease and bad breath. Complete the job with listerine®. Power to your mouth™. Also try listerine® floss. Its advanced Technology Removes more plaque. The summer of this. Mmer. The summer that summers from here on will be compared to. Where memories will be forged into the sand. And then hung on a wall for years to come. Get out there, with over 50,000 hotels at 150 dollars or less. Expedia. Find yours. cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back. Folks, you know, if you ares paying atension, i know the colbert nation always does, it is absolutely no big secret that our country is being torn apart by childish partisan bickering and obama started it. Were a culture war, folks, its us versus them. And if you dont know who them are, you could be they. And its not just politics, we also must pick sides in the products we buy. Thats why i patronize only conservative businesses, sams club insed of cost co, chip fill a instead of chip otle. Hobby lobby instead of what the pro contraceptive crap superstore is, im guessing fluff and stuff. Unfortunately thats good. Unfortunately, not every company just advertises which side theyre on. Well, good news. As the kids say, theres an iphone Application Program to do that. Bipartisan, thats buy, an app that allows you to scan the bar code of your Favorite Grocery item and find out just how much money the company and its c. E. O. Give to either party. Cherrios gave 63. 5 of its political donations to republicans. And 24 to democrats. Stephen of course cheer joes leans republican. Theyre strong on National Defense and cheerios are made by a general. Thank you for your service, and your fiber, sir. applause so lets try, lets try out the app called buypart i san with this nutrigrain bar, okay. And there you go. And go. Okay. It says here that its made by kellogg whose political donations average 37. 25 republican, 33. 5 democrat and 29. 25 other. Which i assume is high fructose corn sirrup. Now lets try the same thing with, lets try that with starbucks coffee. Okay. It says leer 80. 75 democrat. And im sure, im sure im sure it would have been 100 but they left room for milk. And i know buypart i san, this little app here is trustworthy because it was developed by former capitol hill staffer Matthew Colbert. Like stairing in a mirror, folks. laughter you know, i just want to take a moment here. We dont get to talk that often but i just want to say great job on this app, cousin matt. I mean its nice to have someone in the family who shares wait, do you, hold on. Lets try it with you. What . It is as here that Matthew Colbert has only one political donation on record. He gave 250 to a democrat. Well, well then i cant recommend your product, matt. Too bad. I really liked it. Well be right back. Music plays music plays fornot a finish line. Starting gate, for you, the ats isnt just a trophy. Its a sleek, chiseled instrument of your ambition. And for you, the Winners Circle is just another pit stop, because youll always be. Coding it. Torching it. Chopping it. Making it. The new 2015 cadillac ats. Dont just dream of being the hero. Make it happen. I cant believe were missing the game for this. Were not ive got xlte. It doubles our 4g lte bandwidth in cities nationwide, so be that guy with verizon xlte. Now get 1gb of bonus data, and our best pricing ever on the more everything plan. Stephen welcome back, my guest is former secretary of state. Looks like hillarys got some competition. Please welcome dr. Henry kissinger. cheers and applause henry. Got to tell you, thanks for coming back. I have seen you since last summer when we were busting a move to get lucky. Thank you so much for doing that last year. Well, the last time did you this, my office i had a telephone on my desk and i could call for security. Stephen exactly. I got my security here tonight. Youre not going anywhere. Okay, former u. S. Secretary of state, winner of the nobel peace prizing helped bring an end to the vietnam war, forged the with china. You lead the with the soviet union this is your 15th book. Its called world order, okay. I assume by that title this is fiction, because there is no order in the world right now, henry. How what obama hasnt given his, you know, speech yet, were recording this earlier. So you havent seen obamas speech yet. But you agree with me that its terrible, right, terrible speech, complete failure. laughter what do you think hes going it to say . I think hes going to say that he will attack these terrorist groups in both iraq and syria. Stephen okay. And i agree with that. Stephen you do. Yes. Stephen anyplace else we should be bombing . You can bomb order back into the world . Can we just bomb everybody back to the stone age and then invite them back into the 16th century . No you cant bomb them back into the world. But you can try to make it impossible for those who disturb order to continue disturbing it. Stephen why is the world the way it is now, okay . Is this crazier than it used to be . Or are we just noticing how crazy it is . Well, for one thing, every part of the world can now impact every other part of the world. Stephen because youve got twitter and stuff like that, right . laughter i hate to tell you this. Stephen yeah. And i will disgrace myself, but i dont use twitter. laughter stephen really . Well, cheers and applause ill tweet for you. Ill tweet for you tonight, well come up with a good one, all right. That would be good. Stephen all right. All right. So but why, the world craziest now than it used to be really or are we just noticing it. If you take, folks, the middle east. Stephen no thank you, but go ahead. laughter what you have there is a whole series of revolutions, of a different kind, occurring sidebyside. There are pressures on the state, the disappearances of frontiers, the battle between various religious groups. And this is all coming to the surface simultaneously. Stephen its obama faults how, how is this obamas fault . Its not obamas fault. Stephen henry, im going to edit that out. laughter its fair warning, im taking that out. Im taking that out. Im just going to leave in the words obamas fault laughter whats going on in the ukraine here. Is there a reestablishment of an old world order going on. Because putin is reasserting the kind of authority that the soviet union had over that part, over the world. Are we in trouble there . Well, you cant say we are in trouble. Stephen are the europeans in trouble . What is happening it in the ukraine is that there are different ideas of international order. The believe in sovereignty of the west believes sovereignty of state wz we in the west believe there is sovereignty, these are our border, dont come over there. Indeed. And you shouldnt interfere in their affairs. For the russians, ukraine is what they consider part of their territory. But of course, you cannot have a Peaceful World if the principles is established that any country can cross borders because it thinks it has a historic patrimony. But it is not a purely american problem. Stephen is there going to be a world problem . Could this thing spiral into world war iii . Well, what i believe is. Stephen henry, a comforting answer would be no laughter it would be very nice hear you say no, dont worry about world war iii, but no go on to your actual answer, i want you to know as a grandpa figure you might want to just say no, sleep tight. Go ahead, please. No, no, that is what i would say, no. But i would say but to attempt to transform ukraine into a bridge between russia and the west rather than as an outpost of either, against the other. Stephen who is this book for . Is it for World Leaders as a manual to reestablish order . No, its written for, i hope, ode americans if they try to understand what is going on in the world. Stephen so if you at home are saying to yourself what the hell is going on, this is your book . Henry kissinger, thank you so much. The book is world order. Well be right back. cheers and applause wanted men and women for true scotch. To dirty their hands with endeavour, not speculation. Comradeship, essential. Courageous men and women to uphold over 160 years of tradition. To celebrate the most awarded blended scotch in history. This is true scotch. Join us. Big news the hottest deal in wireless. Whether youre a family of 2, 4, or 10, switch your whole family to sprint. Youll only pay 100 a month for unlimited talk and text and 20gb of highspeed data to share for only 100 a month for the whole account. Thats double the high speed data of at t, verizon and tmobile. And to make it easier, well even buy out your whole familys contract. The sprint family share pack up to 10 lines for 100 a month simply put its the hottest deal in wireless. Come in to a sprint store today. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. cheers and applause chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on vine today. Fashion rocks thats what weve been led to believe by the fashionandmusic fundraiser that happened last night at