cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey welcome to the report. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen. Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, thank you. cheers and applause . Thank you for being ladies and gentlemen, i hope that ive made this clear over the years, but i love new york city. Because everything, everything in new york is bigger. Weve got the tallest buildings, the richest bankers, the racistest cabbies. In no other city to the drivers even know the proper ethnic slur for people from malta. laughter its farc, by th featherhead, be way. Theres one thing about new york that is not as big as we thought. It apires particular demographic in new york has been expoinencely overestimated the rat population. Common lore states there are as many rats as humans in new york city, in the neighborhood of eight million. However a statistician from Columbia University says there are really just two million rats in the big apple. Stephen new york has only two million rats . I mean, thats like finding out new york only has two million original rays pizzas. laughter some Columbia University brainiac arrived at this estimate by extrapolating the number of ratoccupied lots in the city using complaints from the public about rat sightings. Apparently, some new yorkers are still unjaded enough to alert someone when they see a rat. laughter i bet its the damn featherheads. laughter folks, i think i speak for all new yorkers when i say, step it up, rats. Two million . Those are checknumbers. Come on this is new york city. We have a reputation to uphold. This is the city. cheers and applause you hear that . We are the city that never sleeps because were afraid that if we nod off, a rat will birth its young in our open mouth. Where did you rats go, new jersey . Why . Because its cheaper and you have a nice yard with plenty of space to eat your young . laughter you gotta stay in the city. Thats where the action is. Thats where the culture is. You can infest the moma. You can infest the met. There are way better restaurant ice machines for you to poop in. So get it together, rats, or i cant believe im saying this we may stop leaving mountains of loosely bagged garbage on the sidewalk for you to feast on. laughter nation,un i love drones. They sent a clear message to our enemies that we will hunt them to the ends of the earth, as long as we dont have to leave tampa. laughter and these days, like a convoy of s. U. V. S in yemen, drones are blowing up. So its time for my longrunning drone appreciation segment Stephen Colberts autorobotic affixation. People love this segment. cheers and applause . People have loved this segment for years. Folks, first up, drones get a bad rap as creepy surveillance tools that monitor our ever move. Good news now theyre watching us have sex. Its all part of a new viral video called drone boning. Jim . Theres the sweeping drone shot of the beautiful vineyard, and theres the boning and heres an aerial shot of an abandon seaside fort, and boning right up there. Stephen well, folksarchs the old saying goes, i dont know much about art but i know this has people having sex in it. As one of the films directors so poetically put it, wouldnt it be funny to have these simplistic beautiful landscapes and have people bleep in them . laughter applause funny and profound. Because improlific beautiful landscapes with people bleep in them was gods original concept first. cheers and applause . The films directors i agree. I agree. The films directors are already talking about a sequel, i hope about the consequences of bone droang ariel venereal. laughter folks, i have only one issue with this oscarworthy piece of birdseye porn someone had to steer the drone over all those naked people. Wouldnt it be cooler if drones could find you having sex on their own . Well, youre in luck because darpafunded researchers have tested a drone that can learn an act on its own. The drone proved it could learn by flying into a series of unfamiliar rooms in which data from the will walls furniture and other objects triggered it to report it was in a new space and caused the way its neurons connected to one another to change in a crude mimic of learning in a real brain. And the next time the craft entered same room, it recognized it. Folks, this would be a Foolproof Plan to ge the terrorists, as long as they never redecorate. laughter darpa, darpa funded the research so drones could make sense of video and sensor data for themselves instead always having to beam it down to earth for analysis by computers or humans. Oh, well thats great. Then were off the hook. Now if we accidentally bomb a wedding, you cant blame us. It was our selfaware flying rumbas decision. Folks, as much as there is absolutely no down side to arming machines, releasing them into the skies, and letting them do what they want, one thing about this gives me pause. C. E. O. Elon musk sounding the alarm over Artificial Intelligence. Elon musk says Artificial Intelligence is the biggest threat to us all. With art ficialg intelligence we are summoning the demon. Stephen oh, that is ridiculous. The only way to sumont demon is to drink the blood of a live goated in a candlelit pentagram or so i am told. laughter applause but, you know, elon musk is a billionaire. He must be right. So tonight i am taking a strong stand against what stephen, stop talking. Stephen stewart stephen, whats wrong . Everythings fine. The futures awesome. Hey, man, would you by any chance have a steel mesh colderback there . Stephen, of course, thats how i strain pasta during commercials. Oh, thank god it blocks the signals of the surveillance diode. Stephen whose signal . The autonomous drone overlords who corveggerred our planets shortly after you fools taught them to recognize when theyve been in a room before. Stephen so elon was right . Right i call him elon. Hes a friend. Drones are a dangerous and Malevolent Force shhh whfer you denounce the drones here in the past, in the future, they pins me. They whip me with laser chains. Oh, id better go. I can feel them cracking the geometric interference pattern of this williamssonoma pasta strairn. Stephen wait i need to know one thing in the future, is there still drone boang . Stephen the only way they let us have sex is if they can watch. In the future, there is only drone boning. Laser chains cheers and applause stephen so, like ive always said, autonomous drones are great. Now, if youll excuse me, my water is boiling, so its time for a commercial break. Well be right back. cheers and applause ooh ooooh. No, no hey tommy no, thats mine. No no no no. Tommy do not drink that hey man, thats mine too lip smacks fuel up for battle with dew® and doritos to unlock exclusive call of duty® advanced warfare ingame rewards. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, the the good news from the midterms just keeps coming. Last night, the a p called another senate race. Alaska has turned red, or maybe thanks to Climate Change that might just be the temperature up there now. Annualizing the midterms is like peeling back the layers of an onion, in that the deeper you go, the more the democrats cry. laughter jim . They lost control of almost every major state legislature in the country. We have more governors on the republican side but more importantly than, that 70 , seven out of 10 state legislatures are republican. Thats where the farm teams are for future candidates. Its a huge problem for the democrats. Its not just the farm team is deeg beag depleted. Its the farm teams of the farm teams in the state houses. Stephen democrats have lost their farm teams. Now who will they turn to when hillary blows out her knee an iowa pancake breakfast. Farm teams are crucial to developing future leaders. Remember. Two years before he ran for president , barack obama is an Illinois State senator. Who could have imagined that today hed number the white house wishing he was an Illinois State senator. laughter so tonight i profile one of these preheroes in mr. Smith goes to the state legislature, then later possibly washington. laughter my new fav rave is Colorado Legislature is gordon klingenschmitt. I assume his fawflgths a schmitt, and his mother a klingon. Klingenschmitt is a former Navy Chaplain who campaigned with a simple message . Why am i holding this pitchfork . I want this to be a symbol of the positive campaign i am running. Stephen it is reminiscent of the positive campaign the villagers ran to elect frankenstein. But klingenschmitts Campaign Stands for so much more. Hes the head of the pray in jesus name project are or pigeon pee, which has been designated as an antil. G. B. T. Hate group by the southern poverty law center. But klingenschmitt doesnt hate the gays. Hes just concerned for them as he demonstrates on his youtube program. The demonic spirits nonetheless the homosexual agenda that are trying to redefine family and homosexualize and recruit your children, these are the eneminate nor the homosexuals will inherit the kingdom of job. Jesus, if he were providing marriage counseling to two gay men who were married, jesus would command them to get divorced. Stephen yes, if jesus were their marriage counselor, he would tell them to get divorced, and hed take 65 minutes to do it so he could charge them for the second hour. Folks, its not just the gays. Its not just the gays. Everyone needs a little klingenschmitt exoricism. Dont you think its something inside the atheist complainer thats wrong . I have a solution. Lets do an exoricism, and put the devil out of them. The f. C. C. Has not enforced decency standards. The demonic standards. We pray against the domestic enemies of the constitution. Against the demon of tyranny who is using the white house occupant, that demonic spirit is oppressing us. Father, we command it to leave. We pray that you will help the president repent. Stephen yes, obama is possessed by an demon. And he wont even us the demons birth certificate. laughter now, saying the president is possessed by a demon could be seen as a tad inflammatory, but after he was elected klingenschmitt told a colnewspaper. I would say its time for people of good will on both sides of the political debate to come together to have reasonable discussions about these issues. Yes. Now that the Bruising Campaign is over, democrats should join klingenschmitt in a reasonable discussion about whether or not barack obama is possessed by a demon. laughter is that so hard . applause you cheers you can express your point of view that he is not, and klingenschmitt can express his point of view that a demon made you think that. Well be right back. Vo what does it really mean to be the best . To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. The best advice. The best service. And an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. [heart beats] do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Wwe 2k15. Feel it. Rated t for teen. Stephen my guest tonight is a u. C. L. A. Professor widely regarded as the worlds greatest living mathematician. Ill ask him what number im thinking of. Please welcome terence tao. cheers and applause mr. Tao, professor tao, thanks so much for being on. Thanks for being here. Its a pleasure. Stephen now, you are a professor of mathematics at u. C. L. A. You have won a fields medal, which is regarded as the nobel prize of mathematics. Something like that. Stephen its been called that. You have one of those them mmacarthur genius fellow. And you won the 2015 breakthrough. Its 2014. Its all about the future. Stephen its all about the future uokay. Youre known by some of your colleagues as the mozart of math. How old were you when you got into math . So my parents told me when i was two they found me teach something older kids how to count. Stephen so youre bossy, too . I guess so. I dont remember it myself. Apparently i learned to count from sesame street. Stephen was the count von count the one who taught you . I guess it must have been. Good guy. Stephen he should get some of that fields medal money, i think. You have a very specific specialty which is prime numbers. I remember, obviously, i remember math class as the number line and all that. Positive is that way, negative is that way. Talk to me about primes. Why do i need ton about primes . Prime numbers are whole numbers bigger than 1 but they cant be factored into smaller numbers. Theyre the atomic elements of number theory. In chemistry stephen what do you mean atomic. In chemistry all matter is made up of atoms, and whole numbers are made up of whole numbers. Every number can be stephen i want to check the math on that one. Hold on. 3. That checks out. All right, so . So theyre very fundamental in mathematics. But despite being so fundamental, and theyve been studied since the ancient greeks more than 2,000 years ago theres a lot we still dont know about them. Stephen how many prime numbers are there . They go on forever. Stephen there has to be a number of them. Theyre numbers, ergo, there must be a number of them. Theres an infinity of them. Its any number you wish. Stephen but there are no more than infinity . Theres only an infinite number of them. Stephen only an infinite. They are limited by infinity. Yes. Stephen okay, okay. Theres something called twin primes. Yes, twin primes are are pairs of primes distanced two apart, almost as close as they could be 5 and 7. 11 and 13. These are twin primes. Stephen wouldnt wouldnt wouldnt a twin prime be 5 and 5 . No, thats a prime twice. Stephen oh, really . Yes. Stephen but thats twins. Twins are the same person twice. Well stephen 5 and 7 two years is a long time for the second baby to stay in the birth canal. Thats true. Stephen before it comes down, okay . Twins cannot be two different ages . The analogy is a little stephen check mate, check mate. Fair enough you caught me. Stephen i gottia. These are pairs of primes which are two apart. And we dont know how many there are. So you asked how many primes there were. There are infinitely many. We dont know if there are infinitely twin primes or not. This is one of the oldest questions in mathematics. The twin primes are a finite resource or do they go on forever . We dont know. Stephen whats a cousin prime . Is there a cousin wow, okay. laughter applause a cousin prime are pairs of primes that are four part, like 7 and 11. Theyre not quite as close as twins put theyre pretty close. And then there are sex primes. Stephen sexy primes . Sexy primes. Stephen what are they . Thats the official term. Pairs of primes six apart. So we dont know there is infinitely many twin crimes. Infinitely many cousin primes or if there are infinitely sexy primes. It was prove than one one of those three classes was infinite. Stephen wait a minute, you dont know which one is infinite, but you know one of them is . Yes. Stephen how could you know one of them is but not know which one . Is this like lets make a deal . There are three different curtains. How do you know that . Theres a formula for how many twin primes there are up to a certain point, and how many sexy primes or how many cousin primes. And you can add them up. Wean the sum is infinite. One of the three is infinite but we dont know which one. Stephen are cousin primes ever sexy but youre afraid to say it because it sounds laughter applause it sounds creepy . Oh, dear. Maybe some of the primes, but, yeah. Stephen whats your favorite number . laughter youve got to have one, right . Whats your favorite number . In mathematics you dont sort of treat any number with favoritism. Stephen the best number is 5 because the jackson 5. 10fold 5. 5. Whats next . Whats the next if you won the prize for the future of math, whats the next thing thats happening in math . I am working on fluid equations. Stephen on what equations. Fluid equation. Stephen food . Fluid. Equations that cover things like water. Im trying to figure out if water can spontaneously blow up. Stephen parents, that would be good to know. Right, right. Stephen so good luck with that. Keep in touch, please. Okay. Stephen terence tao, thank you so much. U. C. L. A. Mathematics professor, terence tao. Prime numbers. Well be right back. cheers and applause play the 5 gum truth or dare challenge and you could win a sensory adventure. Chris mchale delivers screenplay that took four years of his life to sony pictures. After three months and pile of scripts that will never be made, screenplay is read and loved by sony vps. Chris, sony is on the phone for you. Six months later a sony camera operated by a sony contracted director rolls picture on the opening scene. The story spends the next 150 days on a sony soundstage in a sony lot. On sony monitors, and in sony headphones. Across town is sony artists sings the pictures theme at a sony recording studio. The movie is released and played on sony projectors. People like it a lot, including chloe rosman. Walks in to the store six month later where wall of tvs plays her favorite film she calmly asks, so which tv should i get. Guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. Deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. The First Addition in the new guinness discovery series. Discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. New guinness blonde american lager. cheers and applause stephen good night. Comedy central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on reddit today. They make everything bigger in texas. For instance, this texas exorcism that was too big to be contained in just one starbucks. [laughing] all. All. The blood of jesus christ you have no legal ground to be in here. You have to leave. The pumpkin of spice compells you. By the way did you ar