Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141129 : vimarsana.

This administration would like us to forget it, we are just in the opening chapters in our war on terror, and over the weekend, there may have been a major plot twist. Conflicting reports on the fate of the leader of i. S. I. S. , abu bakr albaghdadi. U. S. Warplanes attacked a convoy near mosul in iraq this weekend. Its unknown, though, if that top guy was among them. Albaghdadi may have been killed or wounded in a u. S. Air strike. The leader of i. S. I. S. , abu bakr albaghdadi, may be dead tonight. Stephen yeah, we maybe got you, sucker laughter rest in possibly laughter folks, i am theoretically pumped that this brutal murderer is hypothetically out of the picture. laughter i say, bring the champagne to Room Temperature so its ready to chill if that proves necessary laughter and while i, of course, would like to know for certain that the monster who promised to turn new york into an ashheap is deceased, at least this uncertainty gives our tabloids time to stock up on their zinger headlines, like when saddam was sentenced to hang, the New York Post went with good noose. laughter or when we killed bin laden and found porn in his compound, they hit us with this actual headline. Osama bin wankin. laughter and who can forget that when we got al quaida in iraq leader abu musab alzarqawi, the post cover screamed gotcha and featured a death photo with a Speech Bubble saying warm up the virgins. laughter you know those were his actual last words cuz, if it werent, legally, the post would have to use a thought bubble. laughter once we know albaghdadi is dead for sure, theres gonna be a gold rush for the perfect headline. Which is why im staking my claim now and hereby copyrighting the following phrases . Albaghdeady. laughter bodybaghdadi. laughter much abu about nothing. laughter abu goes dienamite. laughter lets caliph the whole thing off. laughter and bakr not to the future. laughter those are mine, New York Post. If you use any of those headlines, ill see you in court. Or to paraphrase alzarqawi, warm up the lawyers. laughter nation, i know ive often called president obama a national embarrassment, but i cant do that tonight because, tonight, hes an international embarrassment. laughter this time, in china, where hes attending an economic summit and, once again, he has embarrassed america. First off, he wore traditional chinese garb but forgot the starfleet communicator. laughter even worse, when he should be over there chewing china out, he was chewing something else. A faux pas by president obama. Some say he was rude emerging from his car yesterday chewing gum. It appeared he was chewing gum as he walked with the chinese counterpart. There have been reports in Chinese Media that the chinese here in beijing were offended by the president s gum chewing. Mr. Obama was seen chewing his nicorette gum. Stephen outrageous why are you chewing nicorette, mr. President . Youre in beijing the one place on earth where inhaling burnt tar is the healthy choice. laughter im just as offended as the chinese people. As we all learned in school, if you want to chew gum, you bring enough for everybody thats 1. 3 billion sticks. laughter i assume they like big red. laughter so its no wonder that obama was characterized by the chinese Internet Users as an impolite idler or careless rapper. laughter we all know how much the hiphop rapsmen love representin the gum. As snoop once rhymeflowed rollin down the street, chewing spearmint, thinkin bout juicy fruit, with my mind on my bubbles and my bubbles on my mind. laughter cheers and applause rest in peace, twopack. laughter you, too, wrigley smalls. laughter cheers and applause but not everyone at the summit was acting like a gumsmacking teen. Real president Vladimir Putin was trying to get him some dim sum. Vladimir putin giving his coat toshines first lady. The reason . She was cold. Vladimir putin created a stir by slipping a shawl over the first lady of china and the china media, which is statebacked, immediately removed the image. Stephen what a gentleman. You dont even have to ask vlad, and he will give you the shirt off his back. laughter but the thing that has me even more outraged than how much disrespect obama showed to china was how much respect he showed to china. Did the leader of the free world bow to the chinese president . Some say yes. You can see he tilts his head greeting president xi. You can see that he tilts his head greeting the president yesterday. Stephen some say he bowed first fox, now me two is some. laughter and just look at that head tilt. There it goes oh, yes yes, its barely noticeable, but my digital team was able to project where he wanted to go with that. Oh. That is shameful. I cant believe the president is allowing me to do this to him. And now his pants are falling down laughter wheres the dignity . Somebody, cover him up laughter thank you and im not the only one enraged by barack obowma. laughter trademark New York Post. laughter fox Business Analyst and unshaved speedbag bo dietl got his dietl all over this story. Hes over in china now let the other guy eat sum yung yo yew whatever hes eatin over there sum yung yoo eee who cares about china . They are invading all of our computers. Theyre breaching theyre hacking hes over there. Hello. Im sure he bowed 16 times to these guys. Stop it president , what you should be bowing to is your veterans thats who you should be bowing to instead of the head of saudi arabia. Uga, uga, uga stephen yeah obamas chowin down on yim yum yoo yoo while the chinese are breaching our computer bleepbloop boxes so stop giving bing bang bow wows to the king kong of ching chong the troops are the ones who deserve our oogaoogas bo dietl and i both know today is veterans day even though only one of us is sure what year it is. laughter were in 20 and what is this . 15, almost 14. What we got to all remember, the only reason why were able to sit here and talk and not wear abbadabbadoo hats or whatever is because of these veterans. Stephen hes right. If it werent for our veterans, wed all be wearing abbadabbadoo hats, pushing cheers and applause pushing around abbadabbadoo cars, and arguing with our abbadabbadishwashers. laughter thats time we could be spending with our bambams. laughter im with dietl. Its hard to believe that in the year i dunno, im going to guess 20tippity2, we dont respect our troops. They fought for us, on the beaches of ooh la lah, zutdeputdetoi, in the jungles of vietplingplang, and in the deserts of aboogaboostan. Theyre the heros. What if we done with our lives . Spent them screaming on tv. Incoherently . I just hope some day soon i can leave all this behind. Maybe retire to the coast of rio badabingo. Then again, ive always wanted to see the cliffs of malakakikooky. Well be right back. laughter cheers and applause ah, push it. Push it. P. Push it real good ow oooh baby baby. Baby baby. If youre saltnpepa, you tell people to push it. Push it real good. Its what you do. Ah. Push it. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Ah. Push it. Im pushing. Im pushing it real good these sticks nooooooooo yyyeeeeessss nnnnnooooooo yesssss nnnnooooooo yesssss snap into a yessss. Snap into a slim jim as the people of this little belgian town waited for the crowning moment. Nature had other plans. With the help of the masters of the artois brewery. A new star was born. Stella artois. Originally brewed as a beautiful holiday gift. For the people of leuven, belgium. Bring the delicious taste of hersheys chocolate to anything everything. With hersheys spreads, the possibilities are delicious. Some phones arent water resistant. Some dont have replaceable batteries. Some dont have a kids mode that prevents the little fella from sending out that embarrassing photo to the whole company. The Samsung Galaxy s5 it takes a lot of things to be the next big thing. [phone rings] it takes a lot of things to be the next big thing. Hey brian, you free for lunch . This week only, get the msung galaxy s5 for 1 at best buy. Warm up to winter with a White Chocolate delight from mccafe. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Nation, i believe in giving you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as long as you dont ask about the shed in my yard. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause first up, with republicans set to take over congress in january, i have been appalled to see barack obama is brazenly still president. Case in executive overreach, this weekend, he named his choice to succeed attorney general eric holder. President barack obama announces he wants u. S. Attorney Loretta Lynch to take over the justice department. 55yearold lynch would be the first black woman to hold the post of attorney general. She has spent years in the trenches as a prosecutor aggressively fighting terrorism, financial fraud, cybercrime, all the while vigorously defending civil rights. I will wake up every morning with the protection of the American People my first thought. Stephen her first waking thought is protecting the American People . Apparently, shes got Better Things to do while shes asleep. laughter oh, im sorry. I guess shes too busy riding a unicorn to a test that shes late for naked. Lynch simply isnt qualified. I read all about it over the weekend, when brietbart. Gov journalist and Wilford Brimley tribute head, Warner Todd Huston, blew the lid off the scandal that lynch was a part of bill Clintons Whitewater probe defense team in 1992. Kids, if youre too young to remember, whitewater was the benghazi of arkansas real estate. laughter the bombshell destroys Loretta Lynchs credibility to be attorney general, if it were true. But it turns out, Teddy Roosevelt here had the wrong Loretta Lynch. This is the attorney genome this is the attorne attorney general nominee. This is the one who defended clinton during whitewater. Theres just no way to tell them apart. laughter but as soon as walrusman noticed the mistake, brietbart issued a correction by leaving up the same headline and adding the word corrected. From there, its the exact same story about how obamas Loretta Lynch defended the clintons until you get to the very bottom of the article, where it reads, correction the Loretta Lynch identified earlier as the whitewater attorney was, in fact, a different attorney. laughter so im giving a tip of the hat to breitbart journalist Warner Todd Huston for breaking this news, finding out its broken, but sticking with it anyway. laughter because no matter who she actually is, i still stand against the nomination of Loretta Lynch. I just dont think a coal miners daughter has any place as attorney general. laughter plus, why isnt anyone talking about the time she stole christmas . Its scandalous laughter so i salute breitbart for not taking down a headline that you know is false. You are craven political hatchet men. Oh, they eventually took it down . My apologies. They are craven political hatchet men. Corrected. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause this is a pip. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. You can make wifi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. Hey, brandon, whats up . So you can from talk down here, smile for grandmom. Or text pictures from up here. Okay, there we go. Should we send a photo . You can even make calls way over here. Talk and text with anyone anywhere theres a wifi connection. Wifi calling on iphone 6 only from tmobile. Miller invented lite beer, and that changed everything. Great taste deserved great packaging, which led to new packaging, improved packaging, and ultimately, too many improvements. Which led us back to our original look. Miller lite we invented lite beer, youre welcome. You dont need to think that makes our lives possible. Because we do. Were exxonmobil. And powering the world responsibly is our job. Because boiling an egg. Isnt as simple as just boiling an egg. Life takes energy. Energy lives here. Im almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight has a new reality show called house of d. V. F. To saver the interview, you will want to record it on your box of d. V. R. Please welcome diane von furstenberg cheers and applause diane von furstenberg, thank you so much for being here lovely to see you again. Thank you for being here, being so elegant as always. I thought i was known as the rap dress. Stephen you are known as the iconic rap dress. I would love to wear it but my hips are so unforgiving. Its all about the waist. You just wrap it around and a feel sexy. Stephen why arent you wearing one . Well, because i have no waist anymore. Stephen how does it do with a gut . Thats me, not you, madam. laughter okay, Everybody Knows who you are, fashion designer, entrepreneur, the iconic wrap dress. You have a new show called house of d. V. F. Which well get to in a moment, but first you have a book called the woman i wanted to be. You have been a princess, you have been a fashion designer, which are the two most popular barbies. Is there any kind of woman you wanted to be but never were . No, because i think the woman you want to be is many different women at different times, and stephen sounds vaguely schizophrenic. No, no, its just a matter of living your fantasy, doing it nice, seriously, but dreaming about who you want to be and becoming who you want to be. I was lucky. I came to america and lived this big american dream, becoming the woman i wanted to be. Stephen when did you become her . Well, early. Stephen early . I was maybe 27, 28. But the good thing is that i became that woman while i was i had come up with something that would make other women be the woman you want to be. So, you see, i became confident while i was making other women confident. Stephen were you making other women into the woman you wanted to be or they wanted to be . No stephen doesnt it say, in fact, this is what you will be wearing this year, darling . No, no. Stephen green is out no, no, no. All i do is i give women the little tricks, the Little Things that are going to make them look sexy and feel empowered. Stephen why dont you do that for men . Dont we deserve to feel sexy and empowered as well . Youre a feminist icon applause arent you being sexist against men . What makes a man sexy . Viagra . laughter cheers and applause anyway, thats the worst thing that happened to women in the last ten years, you know. Stephen viagra . Why . Because theres no point in a mans life when he will give it a rest . Yes, because we lost our kind of edge. But were not here to talk about that. Stephen no, were here to talk about diane von furstenberg. Yes. Stephen what drew you to fashion at an early age . The thing is that i did not know what i wanted to do but i knew that i wanted to be who i wanted to be. I wanted to be independent. Stephen you came from wealth, right . And you married enormous wealth. laughter independence was a part of that, wasnt it . You see, i became independent on my own with one little dress, and my thing in life is once i empowered myself is to empower others. My tv show, house of d. V. F. , we premiered two weeks ago, sunday, every sunday, they told me to tell you that, every sunday on e at 10 00 stephen repeating and its the story of eight, hot, sexy girls stephen thats a bold choice in fashion. Go ahead. And they come into my world and they learn everything about design and merchandising and p. R. And one will become a grand ambassador. Stephen i dont want any spoilers, but what are the odds at the end of the season you win . applause because youre already an excellent grand ambassador for d. V. F. Yes, but im getting old i couldnt be the one. Stephen lets talk about d. V. F. How does one get into the threeinitial club, j. F. K. , l. B. J. What about d. V. F. . Its a long journey. Even my children called me d. V. F. Stephen really . Not my son. M my son, mydaughter. Stephen your son calls you d. V. F. . A little cold. No, no, nothing cold about my son. Stephen nothing cold about you either. Women say, oh, you men have it easy, you wear suits, stuff like that. If women dont have the dress uniform for work the way men are told the way they do for a suit, if you could design the thing women wore as a work uniform as a suit, what would bit . Confidence. cheers and applause stephen there it is, diane von furstenberg, ladies. She says confidence and nothing else. laughter diane, thank you so much for joining us. cheers and applause the woman i wanted to be, diane von furstenberg. Well be right back miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. This led to advertising about great taste, which led to farmers letting fresh hops cascade through their fingers. Which led to brew masters admiring their craft, which led to hand models reaching for a cold one. Which led to slow motion pours of golden goodness. Which led to super slow motion pours, with subliminal messages added in for good measure. Miller lite we invented lite beer, and subliminal advertising, youre welcome. [remote chime] [dragon sounds] whoa. Oh, of course vo meet maggie. Smile woah, this takes really good pictures vo maggie wants some handson experience. Handson experience. With samsung. But shes been going about it all the wrong way. I have . Yeah, you have. Vo luckily for maggie, there is a place for her to touch, try and play with all of the devices shes been dying to get her hands on. The Samsung Experience shop, only at best buy. This week only, get the Samsung Galaxy s5 for 1 at best buy. Warm up to winter with a White Chocolate delight from mccafe. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Room Temperature<\/a> so its ready to chill if that proves necessary laughter and while i, of course, would like to know for certain that the monster who promised to turn new york into an ashheap is deceased, at least this uncertainty gives our tabloids time to stock up on their zinger headlines, like when saddam was sentenced to hang, the New York Post<\/a> went with good noose. laughter or when we killed bin laden and found porn in his compound, they hit us with this actual headline. Osama bin wankin. laughter and who can forget that when we got al quaida in iraq leader abu musab alzarqawi, the post cover screamed gotcha and featured a death photo with a Speech Bubble<\/a> saying warm up the virgins. laughter you know those were his actual last words cuz, if it werent, legally, the post would have to use a thought bubble. laughter once we know albaghdadi is dead for sure, theres gonna be a gold rush for the perfect headline. Which is why im staking my claim now and hereby copyrighting the following phrases . Albaghdeady. laughter bodybaghdadi. laughter much abu about nothing. laughter abu goes dienamite. laughter lets caliph the whole thing off. laughter and bakr not to the future. laughter those are mine, New York Post<\/a>. If you use any of those headlines, ill see you in court. Or to paraphrase alzarqawi, warm up the lawyers. laughter nation, i know ive often called president obama a national embarrassment, but i cant do that tonight because, tonight, hes an international embarrassment. laughter this time, in china, where hes attending an economic summit and, once again, he has embarrassed america. First off, he wore traditional chinese garb but forgot the starfleet communicator. laughter even worse, when he should be over there chewing china out, he was chewing something else. A faux pas by president obama. Some say he was rude emerging from his car yesterday chewing gum. It appeared he was chewing gum as he walked with the chinese counterpart. There have been reports in Chinese Media<\/a> that the chinese here in beijing were offended by the president s gum chewing. Mr. Obama was seen chewing his nicorette gum. Stephen outrageous why are you chewing nicorette, mr. President . Youre in beijing the one place on earth where inhaling burnt tar is the healthy choice. laughter im just as offended as the chinese people. As we all learned in school, if you want to chew gum, you bring enough for everybody thats 1. 3 billion sticks. laughter i assume they like big red. laughter so its no wonder that obama was characterized by the chinese Internet Users<\/a> as an impolite idler or careless rapper. laughter we all know how much the hiphop rapsmen love representin the gum. As snoop once rhymeflowed rollin down the street, chewing spearmint, thinkin bout juicy fruit, with my mind on my bubbles and my bubbles on my mind. laughter cheers and applause rest in peace, twopack. laughter you, too, wrigley smalls. laughter cheers and applause but not everyone at the summit was acting like a gumsmacking teen. Real president Vladimir Putin<\/a> was trying to get him some dim sum. Vladimir putin giving his coat toshines first lady. The reason . She was cold. Vladimir putin created a stir by slipping a shawl over the first lady of china and the china media, which is statebacked, immediately removed the image. Stephen what a gentleman. You dont even have to ask vlad, and he will give you the shirt off his back. laughter but the thing that has me even more outraged than how much disrespect obama showed to china was how much respect he showed to china. Did the leader of the free world bow to the chinese president . Some say yes. You can see he tilts his head greeting president xi. You can see that he tilts his head greeting the president yesterday. Stephen some say he bowed first fox, now me two is some. laughter and just look at that head tilt. There it goes oh, yes yes, its barely noticeable, but my digital team was able to project where he wanted to go with that. Oh. That is shameful. I cant believe the president is allowing me to do this to him. And now his pants are falling down laughter wheres the dignity . Somebody, cover him up laughter thank you and im not the only one enraged by barack obowma. laughter trademark New York Post<\/a>. laughter fox Business Analyst<\/a> and unshaved speedbag bo dietl got his dietl all over this story. Hes over in china now let the other guy eat sum yung yo yew whatever hes eatin over there sum yung yoo eee who cares about china . They are invading all of our computers. Theyre breaching theyre hacking hes over there. Hello. Im sure he bowed 16 times to these guys. Stop it president , what you should be bowing to is your veterans thats who you should be bowing to instead of the head of saudi arabia. Uga, uga, uga stephen yeah obamas chowin down on yim yum yoo yoo while the chinese are breaching our computer bleepbloop boxes so stop giving bing bang bow wows to the king kong of ching chong the troops are the ones who deserve our oogaoogas bo dietl and i both know today is veterans day even though only one of us is sure what year it is. laughter were in 20 and what is this . 15, almost 14. What we got to all remember, the only reason why were able to sit here and talk and not wear abbadabbadoo hats or whatever is because of these veterans. Stephen hes right. If it werent for our veterans, wed all be wearing abbadabbadoo hats, pushing cheers and applause pushing around abbadabbadoo cars, and arguing with our abbadabbadishwashers. laughter thats time we could be spending with our bambams. laughter im with dietl. Its hard to believe that in the year i dunno, im going to guess 20tippity2, we dont respect our troops. They fought for us, on the beaches of ooh la lah, zutdeputdetoi, in the jungles of vietplingplang, and in the deserts of aboogaboostan. Theyre the heros. What if we done with our lives . Spent them screaming on tv. Incoherently . I just hope some day soon i can leave all this behind. Maybe retire to the coast of rio badabingo. Then again, ive always wanted to see the cliffs of malakakikooky. Well be right back. laughter cheers and applause ah, push it. Push it. P. Push it real good ow oooh baby baby. Baby baby. If youre saltnpepa, you tell people to push it. Push it real good. Its what you do. Ah. Push it. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Ah. Push it. Im pushing. Im pushing it real good these sticks nooooooooo yyyeeeeessss nnnnnooooooo yesssss nnnnooooooo yesssss snap into a yessss. Snap into a slim jim as the people of this little belgian town waited for the crowning moment. Nature had other plans. With the help of the masters of the artois brewery. A new star was born. Stella artois. Originally brewed as a beautiful holiday gift. For the people of leuven, belgium. Bring the delicious taste of hersheys chocolate to anything everything. With hersheys spreads, the possibilities are delicious. Some phones arent water resistant. Some dont have replaceable batteries. Some dont have a kids mode that prevents the little fella from sending out that embarrassing photo to the whole company. The Samsung Galaxy<\/a> s5 it takes a lot of things to be the next big thing. [phone rings] it takes a lot of things to be the next big thing. Hey brian, you free for lunch . This week only, get the msung galaxy s5 for 1 at best buy. Warm up to winter with a White Chocolate<\/a> delight from mccafe. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Nation, i believe in giving you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as long as you dont ask about the shed in my yard. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause first up, with republicans set to take over congress in january, i have been appalled to see barack obama is brazenly still president. Case in executive overreach, this weekend, he named his choice to succeed attorney general eric holder. President barack obama announces he wants u. S. Attorney Loretta Lynch<\/a> to take over the justice department. 55yearold lynch would be the first black woman to hold the post of attorney general. She has spent years in the trenches as a prosecutor aggressively fighting terrorism, financial fraud, cybercrime, all the while vigorously defending civil rights. I will wake up every morning with the protection of the American People<\/a> my first thought. Stephen her first waking thought is protecting the American People<\/a> . Apparently, shes got Better Things<\/a> to do while shes asleep. laughter oh, im sorry. I guess shes too busy riding a unicorn to a test that shes late for naked. Lynch simply isnt qualified. I read all about it over the weekend, when brietbart. Gov journalist and Wilford Brimley<\/a> tribute head, Warner Todd Huston<\/a>, blew the lid off the scandal that lynch was a part of bill Clintons Whitewater<\/a> probe defense team in 1992. Kids, if youre too young to remember, whitewater was the benghazi of arkansas real estate. laughter the bombshell destroys Loretta Lynch<\/a>s credibility to be attorney general, if it were true. But it turns out, Teddy Roosevelt<\/a> here had the wrong Loretta Lynch<\/a>. This is the attorney genome this is the attorne attorney general nominee. This is the one who defended clinton during whitewater. Theres just no way to tell them apart. laughter but as soon as walrusman noticed the mistake, brietbart issued a correction by leaving up the same headline and adding the word corrected. From there, its the exact same story about how obamas Loretta Lynch<\/a> defended the clintons until you get to the very bottom of the article, where it reads, correction the Loretta Lynch<\/a> identified earlier as the whitewater attorney was, in fact, a different attorney. laughter so im giving a tip of the hat to breitbart journalist Warner Todd Huston<\/a> for breaking this news, finding out its broken, but sticking with it anyway. laughter because no matter who she actually is, i still stand against the nomination of Loretta Lynch<\/a>. I just dont think a coal miners daughter has any place as attorney general. laughter plus, why isnt anyone talking about the time she stole christmas . Its scandalous laughter so i salute breitbart for not taking down a headline that you know is false. You are craven political hatchet men. Oh, they eventually took it down . My apologies. They are craven political hatchet men. Corrected. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause this is a pip. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. You can make wifi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. Hey, brandon, whats up . So you can from talk down here, smile for grandmom. Or text pictures from up here. Okay, there we go. Should we send a photo . You can even make calls way over here. Talk and text with anyone anywhere theres a wifi connection. Wifi calling on iphone 6 only from tmobile. Miller invented lite beer, and that changed everything. Great taste deserved great packaging, which led to new packaging, improved packaging, and ultimately, too many improvements. Which led us back to our original look. Miller lite we invented lite beer, youre welcome. You dont need to think that makes our lives possible. Because we do. Were exxonmobil. And powering the world responsibly is our job. Because boiling an egg. Isnt as simple as just boiling an egg. Life takes energy. Energy lives here. Im almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight has a new reality show called house of d. V. F. To saver the interview, you will want to record it on your box of d. V. R. Please welcome diane von furstenberg cheers and applause diane von furstenberg, thank you so much for being here lovely to see you again. Thank you for being here, being so elegant as always. I thought i was known as the rap dress. Stephen you are known as the iconic rap dress. I would love to wear it but my hips are so unforgiving. Its all about the waist. You just wrap it around and a feel sexy. Stephen why arent you wearing one . Well, because i have no waist anymore. Stephen how does it do with a gut . Thats me, not you, madam. laughter okay, Everybody Knows<\/a> who you are, fashion designer, entrepreneur, the iconic wrap dress. You have a new show called house of d. V. F. Which well get to in a moment, but first you have a book called the woman i wanted to be. You have been a princess, you have been a fashion designer, which are the two most popular barbies. Is there any kind of woman you wanted to be but never were . No, because i think the woman you want to be is many different women at different times, and stephen sounds vaguely schizophrenic. No, no, its just a matter of living your fantasy, doing it nice, seriously, but dreaming about who you want to be and becoming who you want to be. I was lucky. I came to america and lived this big american dream, becoming the woman i wanted to be. Stephen when did you become her . Well, early. Stephen early . I was maybe 27, 28. But the good thing is that i became that woman while i was i had come up with something that would make other women be the woman you want to be. So, you see, i became confident while i was making other women confident. Stephen were you making other women into the woman you wanted to be or they wanted to be . No stephen doesnt it say, in fact, this is what you will be wearing this year, darling . No, no. Stephen green is out no, no, no. All i do is i give women the little tricks, the Little Things<\/a> that are going to make them look sexy and feel empowered. Stephen why dont you do that for men . Dont we deserve to feel sexy and empowered as well . Youre a feminist icon applause arent you being sexist against men . What makes a man sexy . Viagra . laughter cheers and applause anyway, thats the worst thing that happened to women in the last ten years, you know. Stephen viagra . Why . Because theres no point in a mans life when he will give it a rest . Yes, because we lost our kind of edge. But were not here to talk about that. Stephen no, were here to talk about diane von furstenberg. Yes. Stephen what drew you to fashion at an early age . The thing is that i did not know what i wanted to do but i knew that i wanted to be who i wanted to be. I wanted to be independent. Stephen you came from wealth, right . And you married enormous wealth. laughter independence was a part of that, wasnt it . You see, i became independent on my own with one little dress, and my thing in life is once i empowered myself is to empower others. My tv show, house of d. V. F. , we premiered two weeks ago, sunday, every sunday, they told me to tell you that, every sunday on e at 10 00 stephen repeating and its the story of eight, hot, sexy girls stephen thats a bold choice in fashion. Go ahead. And they come into my world and they learn everything about design and merchandising and p. R. And one will become a grand ambassador. Stephen i dont want any spoilers, but what are the odds at the end of the season you win . applause because youre already an excellent grand ambassador for d. V. F. Yes, but im getting old i couldnt be the one. Stephen lets talk about d. V. F. How does one get into the threeinitial club, j. F. K. , l. B. J. What about d. V. F. . Its a long journey. Even my children called me d. V. F. Stephen really . Not my son. M my son, mydaughter. Stephen your son calls you d. V. F. . A little cold. No, no, nothing cold about my son. Stephen nothing cold about you either. Women say, oh, you men have it easy, you wear suits, stuff like that. If women dont have the dress uniform for work the way men are told the way they do for a suit, if you could design the thing women wore as a work uniform as a suit, what would bit . Confidence. cheers and applause stephen there it is, diane von furstenberg, ladies. She says confidence and nothing else. laughter diane, thank you so much for joining us. cheers and applause the woman i wanted to be, diane von furstenberg. Well be right back miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. This led to advertising about great taste, which led to farmers letting fresh hops cascade through their fingers. Which led to brew masters admiring their craft, which led to hand models reaching for a cold one. Which led to slow motion pours of golden goodness. Which led to super slow motion pours, with subliminal messages added in for good measure. Miller lite we invented lite beer, and subliminal advertising, youre welcome. [remote chime] [dragon sounds] whoa. Oh, of course vo meet maggie. Smile woah, this takes really good pictures vo maggie wants some handson experience. Handson experience. With samsung. But shes been going about it all the wrong way. I have . Yeah, you have. Vo luckily for maggie, there is a place for her to touch, try and play with all of the devices shes been dying to get her hands on. The Samsung Experience<\/a> shop, only at best buy. This week only, get the Samsung Galaxy<\/a> s5 for 1 at best buy. Warm up to winter with a White Chocolate<\/a> delight from mccafe. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central<\/a> captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Central<\/a> world news headquarters in new york. This is the daily show with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central<\/a> jon welcome to the daily show im jon stewart. Tonight, this is exciting. Young man named Benedict Cumberbatch<\/a> is going to join us. [cheers and applause] jon great film. Hes great in it. First its been a rough year for the president of these united states. A midterm shellacking. The failure to get one chair to turn around the voice come on gwen, turn around as the president said in his voice audition song the sun will come out a hundred thousand people signed up for obama care on saturday. The latest day of the recent open enrollment. The consumer has a better interaction. Things are simpler, faster and more intuitive. Jon obama care website is better. For example, when you log into the new healthcare gov it has Insurance Options<\/a> rather than brunch options at dennys. Also the new website loads quickly. The old site would cut the brakes in your car. Its terrifying. Again its a big improvement. Anyone in washington dc will talk about these amazing success of obama care. 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