Turn it into a bong. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcom welcome welcome welcome to the report. Good to you have with us. Thank you. Stephen, stephen, steph en stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Heroes in here, out there, all around the world. Thank you. Sit down. Nation, thank you so much for being here, folks it. Great to be back. In the home stretch. Nation, i hope you all had a wonderful, a wonderful i hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving, or as it is known to native americans sarcastic you are welcome giving. Dinner at my house was great as always. This year i got the wish bone and my wish came true. The doctors were able to remove it from my throat. laughter of course i was off all last week. So there is a lot of news to dach up on. Starting with a major conflict once again in a troubled desert region. laughter dont get cocky, kid. Whooo. The new star wars trail ter dropped over thanksgiving weekend. And it was all anyone in my family could talk about. Which, unfortunately, lead to my aunt rita saying some horribly racist things it about the gungan. Folks, i, i am the original fan of star wars. In 1977, this is a true story, when i was in 8th grade, i won two tickets from a local Radio Station to see this new Movie Star Wars two weeks before it came out nationally. No idea what it was going to be, haskel feudenbergs mom drove does. An i loved it it on the way home theres with a full moon. I pretended it was the deathstar it but at school on monday, i couldnt explain how everything was different now because nobody had seen it it they thought my darth vader impression was just asthma. Though, though i will say, i did get out of gym for a month. Then the movie comes out. Everybody is saying it is the greatest thing ever but i thought first i have been a star wars fan two weeks longer than any of you. Now let me tell you cheers and applause stephen and let me tell you, folks, this trailer has got everything you want in a star wars movie. Wake surfing ewick, r2d2s head playing soccer, even a black stormtrooper. So for the record, jawas, if he stops you and frisks you, its not racist. Also, you are kind of asking for it it those hoodies. And folks, thats not no, no, it is not the jawas fault. That is not even the best part, folks. Check out this tau some lightsaber. Its a lightsaber with two many lightsabers on it its a men ageasabre. Sadly, sadly i think i have a wookiee in the audience. Sadly, there are some stuck up half witted scrofy looking nerving out there who arent thrilled with the new jedi weapon. They say if these things are supposed to fro tect your hands like swords it wouldnt work because the first time you cross lightsabers and it slid down to the bottom of the wlad the lightsaber would go to the side sabres and take off your hand. Or as it was stated on twitter, lightsaber stupid and impractical childhood ruined, everything ruined. Yeah. applause ruined. Well, i think the perfect design, here is how it works. I have done my analysis, okay. People think, people thinks its actually three different plasma streams but its all one. The long beam, the long beam right here, okay, it comes out and the two smaller beams at the bottom, okay, theyre still attached to it it they dont start where the little metal hilt ends, okay. Theyre attached to the other beam inside. The metal hilts are just casings around the little beam to protect your hand. Even if someone slices through the metal theyre going to hit the beam right there. Any padawan knows that. Now i know that is science. applause stephen now at this know what youre thinking. Youre saying but stephen, in the trailer the first light beam comes out before the other two. How could it all be one beam. Well, greg, its simple. You just need three focusing crystal activators to split the plasma into perpendicular blade energy channels. Confused . Well, youll understand in two weeks when you catch up with where im at. cheers and applause i have at it. Amateur hour is over. The pros are taking it over on this one. Of course, folks, the big story over thanksgiving was the ongoing racial tensions in america. We just gave you the Jackie Robinson stormtrooper. What more do you want . And it was all over one tinny decision. A grand jury decided not to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of michael brown. Hundreds warmed the federal courthouse before fanning out through the city streets. The courthouse is barricade. The sidewalk blocked. Protests overnight moved from ferguson to st. Louis. Yes, ferguson has erupted because officer Darren Wilson will not face trial. For some reason, these protestors wont take its unarmed black man for an answer. Folks, these demonstrations it have been a sobering reminder that st. Louis is this. I thought they were supposed to leave ages ago through that star gate they built. Now now, now would be a good time, guys. And its not enough that they destroyed it ferguson. These protests it have spread to an american hold most sacred, football. The event in ferguson have crossed over into the world of sports. Five players of the st. Louis rams put their hands over their heads in a dont shoot pose right before their game against the oakland raiders. Well h that is just wrong. Why would anyone surrender to the raiders . Thankfully, when the st. Louis police, see young black men with their hands in the air, they come out firing. The st. Louis Police Officer association is condemning the players actions calling the mott tasteless, offensive and inflammatory. It is tasteless and offensive to see this at that time an nfl game. Which reminded me, welcome back, ray rice, weve missed you. And the you have to stop that offensive gesture before it spreads. During the game i saw referees do it a bunch of times. They have giant field monuments to it at the each end of the field. Later the crowd even passed it tarnd the stadium in some kind of celebration. The point is, these players should be punished. I say we make them play football using only their feet with some kind of penalty for touching it with their hands. You know what . Things it would be a lot calmer if black people just agreed never to put their hands up. Only in or in their pockets as seen in this encounter with the Police Officer being filmed by a black man who asked why he was being stopped. Are you making people nervous. By walking by if. Yeah, they said you had your hands in your pockets. Wow, walking by having your hands in the pocket make people nervous to call the police when its snowing outside . What are you up to . Walking, with my hands in my pockets. You cant you cant trust someone with their hands in their pockets. Pockets are the holster of the fist. The point is, theyre just how many sand gesture that black people should not attempt right now. Okay. Hands up, too tin flamm tore it hands in pockets, too threatening. This trick, looks like youre stealing the thumb t okay. Also, avoid thans. Okay. Because jazz hands lead to heroin hands, okay. All right. And no, im a little teapot, okay. Youre just asking for a cop to yell hes got a spout, start firing. And the most threatening thing a black person can do is heres the church, heres the steeple, because when you open the doors look at all the black people, that could be a ryeout the. Youre going to get tear gassed it. Well be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. Nation, you and i both know that folks, for years now, a dangerous horde of fundamentalists have threatened to destroy everything we love. But now the democrats have been defeated and we can get back to worrying about the Islamic State. And well we should because werners are joining their ranks. The fresh wave of hundreds of foreigners including americans rushing to fight alongside isis terrorist. The fbi is investigating three american teenagers, Highschool Students from denver who had left this country, lured away through the internet, they say. The teens were on the way to join terror groups in syria. In the last six weeks 1now new foreign fighters streamed into syria and iraq. There are now 16,000 there, nearly 3,000 are werners. Stephen yes, thousands of werners are joining isis. Some people will do anything to avoid the holidays with their family. And with government stopping it these terrorists at borders and airports, isis is exploiting security loopholes and security portholes. Wouldbe terrorists are packing their bags for the jihadi cruise, with airports stepping up security around the world, keeping want a about jihadists from joining ice nis iria, ferries are cruise ships are ferries them into battle. They are taking cruise lines that stop at a turkish coastal town. From there it is easy to cross into syria. Stephen thats right, terrorists are heading to the Islamic State via cruise ship. And folks, if they hated western culture when they got on, just imagine how they will feel after six nights on dinner theatre. These jihadies of the geehi seas must be stopped. Which is why im excited to relaunch the colbert cruise. My wildly Popular Series of nautical vacations that i have not mentioned in eight years. My latest colbert cruise is guaranteed it to trap any woodbe ter trust. Jim . Ready to get away . And join isis . And come aboard the colbert cruise. Ya, man. Its time to trade in that suicide vest for suicide cargo shorts. Our cabins are so luxurious. You will think you have blown up and gone to heaven. Declare a fatwah, a hunger with our deck a dent hummus fountain it partake in our exciting Shore Excursions like scuba diving, who knows it, maybe you will run into a celebrity. Relax, with roundtheclock spa treatments including complimentary hydro therapy. A seven day funfilled trip to the shores of turkey by way of cuba. So ahoy, its time to leave your worries and the Geneva Convention behind. Join us on the colbert cruise where you will make memories that will last the rest of your life. I guarantee it. Stephen folks, those tickets people love to drus. Those vicious pill militants will be in deep doodoo, their own because the cruise is run by well be right back. What would you give someone who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . The greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. Did you know you can use an ipalmost any apple device . Om really . Yeah. Give me a call on that macbook. Alright, call you now. [ringing] [french accent] hello, pierres bistro. Uhh, id like to make a reservation. [french accent] theres Nothing Available goodbye. Cmon dude. Dont hang up on me. Try again. Call me from the ipad. [ringing] [french accent] huhh huhh huhh. You call me back on ipad you think i give you a reservation you will never get a reservation table for four. [french accent] never pizza hut just made their biggest menu change ever, so were in italy to get the opinions of the experts. So argentina, are you ready to change pizza . No theyve redefined pizza with six bold sauces and ten new crust flavors. This not pizza its pretty cool that there are over twenty new ingredients, right franco . Too many. Oh do you like the salted pretzel crust . Its good i know oh get a pair of pizzas, a new one or an old favorite, for six ninetynine each. The flavor of now menu. Get it at pizza hut dot com. Who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . D you give someone the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. Stephen welcome back, everybody, pie guest tonight need those introduction. So i wont. Senator, thank you so much. Senator john mccain, what a pleasure to have you on, thanks for coming here for one of my last 12 show, its an honor. Were scraping the bottom of the barrel. Stephen no, we have saved the best for last, to paraphrase the gospel. Now you are a five time u. S. Senator. What chapter in the book was that . Stephen save the best for last. Yeah. Stephen as the marriage at cana when he turns the water into wine, the wine that he makes out of the water is passed around to the guests and they say thousand hasth saved the best for last. How are you going to appeal to christian conservatives if you dont know your gospel, sir . Now at this now at this remember, thank you for refreshing my memory. Stephen thank you. Thank you, father mccain. Now how was your thanksgiving. I know you are a big griller, did you grill your own turkey. Not one, not two, but four fried turkeys an accident set the deck on fire once. Stephen congratulations. Deepfry your turkeys, my friends, you will never go back to anything else it is kind of addictive, a little bit like some substances that you used to tuesday. Stephen we agreed backstage we wouldnt talk about my crack habit. There we go. Stephen now sir, you have a new book called 13 soldiers, a personal history of americans at war. Yup. Stephen why 13, that seems like an unlucky number. One for every major conflict we have been involved in since the revolutionary war, and the different individuals, men and women. We took one individual for each conflict and tried to put them in the context of it the conflict. But also described to the reader exactly what they twenty through, and the difficulties and challenges of defending your country. This one, our friend joined at age 15, the revolutionary war, charles martin. Almost starved to death. Fought in several battles and finally we won, obviously. And it took 30 years. Stephen 15. Joined at 15. And fought all the way through. Stephen at 15 i was still watching star wars. At 50 im still watching star wars. Now i never served because my doctor says i have an incurable condition called i didnt want to. But i have heard from what i have read and what i have heard from people like yourself who did serve in our wars, that war is horrible. Should books about war, if theyre good, also be in some ways horrible . Or horrifying. As long as we understand that war is terrible, its the worst of all things. It destroys lives. Stephen do you cover any of our present wars in this . For instance bill oreilly and the war on christmas . There is only one hero to write about that, and that is bill oreilly. The young woman in there that fought in afghanistan, she is a medic. She monica thomas. She was in a convoy, hit by an ied. She rushed in to save the lives and she did of several other of her comrades. And by the way, herroism and that of women like her should put to rest any discussion or argument whether women should serve in combat or not. Well, lets talk about lets talk about lets talk about what is going on in the middle east an afghanistan. Yep. Stephen you have said we will have boots on the ground in syria by the end of this year or next year . I think it depends on how the president feels his force to do that it he continues to tell us what we want and end up doing it for now, 1500 more as you know recently. And now these people arent going away. Stephen should we have troops. We should have boots on the ground. We should have more air controllers, we should have special forces and we should have intelligence people because they can only be effective with that. I done mean sending in the 82nd airborne and thousands and thousands. Stephen but why not send in the 82 around born and thousands of thousands if it is a big problem f we have to deal with these guys, why pussy foot around, why not troop boot it around . First of all, the American People would not accept such a thing. Stephen isnt leadership about saying no, we have to do this thing. We can get the job done. Stephen people didnt want the surge when the surge happened. But as you would say, the surge worked. Isnt this a surge in to syria . It is. But its got to it be done in a way that would be more effective than sending in a whole bunch of troops. Not sending in the large numbers that we did in iraq and afghanistan. Didnt we underestimate ba we needed to do in tie rack and thats why the war took so long . We had a flawed policy. By the way, i was against it, senator rumsfeld ought to be fired. Guys like you, you call me the brave maverick. Now when i said that obama is mishandling it, now he is the angry old man. Im not sure which one i am now. Stephen lets talk about you and the age ree old man of chuck hagel who just got talked out the door by obama. You voted against hagels confirmation as did i, at home, yelling at the screen. Are you glad hes out . I think that chuck and by the way he is a friend and hes a distinguished american. He fought as an enlisted man during the vietnam war and i honor that. But he wasnt the right guy for the job. And its pretty obvious that all the decisions are being made within a small group in the white house. So we need somebody who has got experience. Youre here for the colbert bump. Is this a trial balloon to be secretary of defense . Actually i was thinking, actually i was thinking about running for president again, what do you think . You would have the full resources of the colbert report at your back in 2016. If it were still on the air. Senator, thank you so much for joining me. cheers and applause senator john mccain, 13 soldiers. Go get it. Well be right back. You dont need to think about the energy that makes our lives possible. Because we do. Were exxonmobil and powering the world responsibly is our job. Because boiling an egg. Isnt as simple as just boiling an egg. Life takes energy. Energy lives here. Twhat do i do . You need to catch the 4 10 huh . The Equipment Tracking system will get you to the loading dock. There should be a truck leaving now. I got it. Now jump off the bridge. What . In 3. 2. 1. Are you kidding me . Go. Right on time. Right now, over 20,000 trains are running reliably. We call that predictable. Thrillingly predictable. Theyre jamming in the street all night long all night bud light lime cranbrrrrita fiesta forever you can control with gestures. Like now, shes flying a spaceship to mars were flying a plane to detroit. Intel. This is where it all changes. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody, good night it captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on youtube. While we were on break jj abrams showed kim car dashians big greasy butt what its really meant to break the i