With a taco cheesy gordita crunch. Burrito supreme®. Nachos. Taco. And a baja blast®. All the cravings one person can handle, just five dollars. Only at taco bell. Which one of theseing awards appeals most to you . The top safety pick midsize car and suv. Most dependable. Means a lot to me. The green car because i like fuel efficiency. What if there was a car company that received all of these awards. One company won an award in all these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy. Chevrolet is the most awarded car company of the last two years. I love it its fierce. How would you sum this car up in one word . Incredible. Amazing. I cant use one word. Jack knocked over a candlestick, onto the shag carpeting. And his pants ignited into flames, causing him to stop, drop and roll. Luckily jack recently had geico help him with renters insurance. Because all his belongings went up in flames. Jack got full replacement and now has new pants he ordered from banana republic. Visit geico. Com and see how affordable renters insurance can be. I need a better yoga class. [sobbing] oh gail, i miss you so much. Well. Im not super into yoga, but yeah, we know just the place. [sobbing] just weep it out. No matter what you need or when you need it, check yelp first. Welcome back to the only tv show that believes halloween should always be on the last saturday of october, not the 31st. [cheers and applause] next week, the inmates have taken over the asylum. Im the bong lord. Maybe this show does more harm than good. Follow my ghost writers i mean meon twitter. When youre done watching this full episode, go to our website, tosh. Cc. Com, to watch full episodes. Tuesday, november 8th is a huge day for our country the tosh. 0lection episode. Also, you can vote. Tickets are still on sale for the 6th annual tosh saves the World Charity show in sarasota, florida, and my Christmas Spectacular in reno. Breaking news about the tosh point show on campus. The university of nebraska, you are in. Go ahead and release your environmentkilling balloons. Oklahoma, you are out. Like kevin durant, ive got better places to be. Go big red. Boohoo sooners. Finally, youve probably heard that creepy clowns have been terrorizing people all over this once great nation, and of course everybody is overreacting. Target has stopped selling clown halloween costumes. Mcdonalds is canceling all of ronnies appearances. Not all clowns are evil. First, we tried to ban all muslims, now clowns . Whats next, female veterinarians . Why not just have mimes build an imaginary wall to keep them out and make the clowns pay for it . Or better yet, force all the clowns into one small car and drive them to a clowncentration camp . Or we just let black people handle it. Yep, never try to bluff a black guy with a gun. Tj, im about to run, tj. [bleep] him up, tj tj, seriously, tj, come on. We need to go. Get off of him this clown, get your ass out of there, mother[bleep] go. Go get the [bleep] on. [bleep], man, what the [bleep] wrong with you, [bleep] . [shouts indistinctly] [person screams] whip their ass that last one might be staged. All right, happy halloween, you bozos. Good night. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor thank you so much, everybody welcome to the daily show my guest tonight, im really excited, chief Political Correspondent for cnn dana bash is joining us, everybody cheers and applause here to talk about the world of cnn and media. First, i was really, really sick last week, thursday, and i couldnt do the eshow. Can we just acknowledge for a second ive moved to america and, since i have been here, i have been to the hospital more times than i ever did in south africa. Yeah. Its not because we dont have hospitals, and if you thought that, youre racist. Yeah, there is something going on with the food. Anyway, i was unable to do the show and the host was Jordan Klepper who did an amazing job. Thank you so much, Jordan Klepper. applause part of me thinks one person was watching who was, like, wow, trevor really turned up his white half tonight i like it thats not how being mixed race works. I cant turn it up and down like the brightness on a tv. Although sometimes i wish i could turn up the blackness or whiteness. I turn up the blackness to be cool and turn up the white necessary to get loans whiteness to get loans. laughter early voting is underway. You know how donald trump said to be on the lookout for shenanigans at polling places . I think i believe him. Just just may be in trouble because he snapped a selfie while voting in memphis. Tennessee law prohibits photos in booths and the matter is under review. Trevor thats right. Apparently its illegal to take a selfie in the voting booth while smelling your own farts. laughter to be fair to justin, though, thats the face most americans will make when they vote this year laughter i dont see why taking pictures should be legal. We live illegal. We live in an age of sharing. Thats how millennials roll. I admit its sometimes possible to go too far. D. J. Shared the birth of his son on social media documenting his fiancees entire delivery on snapchat. Trevor really . Thats just disgusting everyone knows the decent thing to do is put it on instagram because you can make the baby look younger using the valencia filter. Come on, people work with me here although, snapchating the baby coming out is weird and a little gross, but it looks super funny with the puppy filter. It works on so many levels, guys really does. You realize we truly are in the age of millennials now where doctors will be delivering babies, like, congratulations, its trending. But lets move now to the middle east. Its a phrase known as ever said. There is so much violence that sent millions of refugees fleeing into europe and in many places reaching breaking points. Prime example in france. When most people hear france, they think of cheese, the eiffel tower or rapey skunks, but if you happen to be a refugee, theres a side of france only you get to see. French authorities are clearing out the pry mygrant camp in the city of calais known as the jungle a place where thousands have come in hope of crossing the sea. Officials hope to empty the camp within a week and tear down the entire site by the end of the year. Theyre telling the occupants the options they have are to apply for official asylum in france or return to their home country. Trevor yes, those are the refugees only two options, apply for official asylum or return home to their countries, and seems like an easy choice, but you know there is one refugee going, mmm, syria, paper work syria, paperwork. Whats that . I have to fax the forms . See you in aleppo laughter this refugee camp being shut down is calais a city in frarntion not a pretentious way of pronouncings california. Though sometimes it sounds like that, i live in cali, havent had Running Water in six weeks so now i live outside talking like valley girl crime has gotten so bad they nicknamed calais the jungle. As a person from an actual jungle, i find that offensive. Im sure im not alone, but there is probably an outraged lemur back home goings why do they have to go call it the jungle . Huh . Thats insulting to what we have here we have a functioning ecosystem, which has a king, which, by the way, is a tiger i dont know why people think the lion is the king of the jungle. There is no goddam lions in the jungle, people are so egg norton thats what the lemur thinks, not me. I know some of you are thinking choosing between france and syria should be easy because everyone loves france. Right . Wrong. You dont want to go to france . No, i dont like france. France, no good. Life in britain is better than france . Yeah. We dont want to stay here. Why not go somewhere in france. You can see what the country of france is. France is not good enough to take care of us. Trevor damn not good enough . Wow. I havent seen that many people hating on france since they invented the mime. If you mimes have a problem with that, say something. I dare you. Say something. I didnt think so. applause but refugees, i see what you guys are trying to do here. Its a game of reverse psychology. Youre going to say france is horrible, and the french are going to invite you to stay but youre going about it the wrong way. You cant insult the french, it only makes them more proud. Their culture is designed to inspire resentment from others, thats why they make cheese that smells like my uncles feet. You say the camps corks they say, yeah, because the french refugee camp is an acquired taste french accent for more, were joined by roy wood, jr. For more, joining us live from france. Roy, what the bleep are you wearing . Youre supposed to be talking about the refugees. Why are you dressed like you just jumped on the cubs bandwagon . Aint no bandwagon, african what you think, i just grabbed this . This is my legit clothing. I had this robe more than your damn green card. I had to put my name on the back. This is mine, in case somebody wanted to play baseball when i got out of the shower. Trevor i stand corrected. You you dont believe me . Im a legit club fan. Thats my high school portrait. I was a handsome virgin applause trevor oh, youre so cute with your cheeks and lips. Thats you in your hospital . When is that picture from . 1996. Trevor i thought you were, like, 50 laughter sorry. I sent you to report on refugees, roy. Yeah, and you sent the right guy, trevor. If there is anyone who knows about suffering, its a cubs fan, and i want the calais refugees know cubs fans stand whined behind you. Youve got what it takes to go all the way. Youve got ambition. Cant coach that. Secondly, youve proven youre good on the road. Now you have to get in the final stretch, dig deep and believe in yourselves. Grind it out. Ill grind it out with you. This c stands for compassion, caring, refugees of calais and for anyone who refuses to accept second best especially the chicago bleep cubs. applause trevor so if youre so into the refugees, i assuming you will be donating some money to them. Tickets are 5,000 for the world series, man. Hell, no. Every man for himself. Trevor roy wood, jr. , everyone thank you so much, roy well be right back cheers and applause you never believed in fairytales. Knights in shining armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Time to shine. Orbit. groaning continues you got one more. Eed here we go. G push. Congrats i hear youre having a baby. Here we go. Just breathe. Here we go. You better start saving for college tuition. And youll probably need a bigger house at some point. But new york life can help you manage your familys financial future. So you can relax, and enjoy lifes special moments. Like this moment. guttural yelling thats what being good at life is all about, right . vo be good at life. New york life. And yet, its everything. Introducing pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. Zero calories. But max pepsi taste. Nothing has never tasted so good. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. President ial candidates make a lot of promises but one thing they emphasize is what theyll do in their first 100 days in office which is weird because in any other job those would be the least productive days, youre just getting your bearings, waiting for an email address. How do dial an outside line, how does this work . But when youre president the stakes are higher so people want to hear your plan. What would be your first 100 days plan in Foreign Policy . Pursuing our continued efforts to reduce Nuclear Weapons with russia. In my first 100 days in office, i will order the formulation of a National Cybersecurity strategy. The first 100 days of my administration, i will close guantanamo, reject the military commissions act and adhere to the geneva conventions. Trevor those videos make me so happy, see bill clinton, mitt romney when he thought he was going to be be president , and obama, look at this guy so young and cute talking about closing guantanamo, like one of the new years resolutions hes not going to keep. Im going to close gitmo and go to friday night lights, i promise you. laughter its their vision for america, not just a to do list. This weekend donald trump traveled to gettysburg a city known for its president ial addresses e. Seems he has other plans for his early days in office. Every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my campaign. Total fabrication applause the events never happened. Never. All of these liars will be sued after the election is over. cheers and applause trevor yeah whoo you gonna sue the women who accused you of Sexual Assault . What are you going to sue them for . Making you seem slightly more of a scumbag than we already thought you were . applause these liars who painted me as a man who assaults women, which i am not, unless billy bush wants me to be, yeah, talk about not being able to say no, am i right, folks . Am i right . Is it any surprise that pearnl lawsuit is a part of a personal lawsuit is part of trumps plan because a lot of people said he has no experience in the executive branch and theyre right, but i will give him, this he has a ton of experience with the judicial bran. A group ofo lawyers at the American Bar Association ordered study on his lawsuits. The report wont be published because the Association Fears it would be sued by trump. Trevor thats right. Take a second to absorb this. A group of lawyers wont publish a report on how trump often sues because they are afraid he might sue them. You do realize i cannot make a joke about that because that would the joke i would make. I would end the joke by saying thats like lawyers being afraid of somebody suing them thats why i cant wait for this election to end. Donald trump lives the jokes were trying to create laughter clearly, the lawyers think donald trump is a libel bully, and i honestly dont know what could have given them that impression. Ill probably sue rosy. Lets start with bill maher. Ill sue him. Hes threatening to sue the golf club growth. He heard him talk about suing the new york times. Univision, im going to have to sue univision. Trevor i dont have a choice i could walk away, but i dont have another choice. Trump sues so many people he probably has platinum medallion status at the courthouse. A special lounge he waits in, he gets group a walk into the court first. Hot towels, but he never uses them because theyll wipe off his tan. How did donald trump get this way . I bet when he was a child he would fall down and go, ow i have a booboo booboo due to the negligence of this sidewalk. And his mom would be, its okay, donnie, were going to sue them and hes, like, yeah the upside, if he becomes president , there is a possibility he wont be waging wars all over the world. Hell be waging lawsuits. I bet hell be drowning people with subpoenas all over the globe. In syria, an entire hospital was sued including several babies. Get down its a cease and desist laughter with all the american tv ads that encourage lawsuits, its no surprise donald trump is litigious, especially considering some of the ads you see on tv are made just for him. Are you a president ial candidate for the Republican Party is this is your name donald j. Trump . Are people saying unkind things about you . Then the law firm of klepper sons is ready to fight for you. We represent all types of clients from donald trump to, thats it. We get results defending against baseless charges such as facts, logic, very not nice reporting, ma lyricsly true information, dates of things you said, vicious lies you will expose but not right now and women attacking your hands with their vaginas. So call us today at 1800justfortrump. No habla espanol, not that it doesnt matter because i dont have any sons. Trevor Jordan Klepper, well be right back you work at ge . Yeah, i do. You guys are working on some pretty big stuff over there, right . Like a new language for crazybig, worldchanging machines. Well, not me specifically. I work on the industrial side. So i build the worldchanging machines. I get it. You cant talk because its super highlevel. No, i actually do build the machines. Blink if what youre doing involves encrypted data transfer. Wait, what . Wowwww. Wow . What wow . There is no wow. Hey nicki, what are you doing here . You tell me, steven. What, im snappin youve been streaming my videos all morning now youre with this thing . No, its not you, its verizon, they limit my data. I had to choose cmon girl, lets get us a man with unlimited data. Why pay more for data limits . Introducing tmobile one. Unlimited data for everyone. Get 4 lines just 35 bucks a month. I would like three two is standard. Im not standard. Three weeks. Ok. Can i get anyone a beer . Make it a redds apple ale redds apple ale. Also for a limited time in ginger apple. Hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . Yeah, we go left right here. woman vo Great Adventures are still out there. Well find them in our subaru outback. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is cnns chief Political Correspondent and the networks lead reporter covering republican president ial nominee donald trump. Please welcome dana bash cheers and applause trevor welcome to the show. Its so good to be here. Trevor thank you very much for being here. Its an honor to meet you. We watch you all the time, and the fact that you can keep a straight face right now . Trevor when you are reporting some of these stories. No, now you can say whatever you wanted the say now. I still need to work tomorrow, so im going to be real careful. laughter trevor lets talk about that. You have been with cnn for 23 years. I have applause trevor you have been doing an amazing job, working, covering everything from congress this is your sixth president ial race youre covering. Is this the craziest thing youve ever seen . Yes. laughter i mean, there is this and this is Everything Else on the planet ever. Trevor yes. No question. Trevor there must be a point when youre covering this and looking at this as a journalist, and at some point do you not go, there is too much . There is no story that builds or unfolds. It just comes, its done and you have to move on. Really, every single day you think, okay, this is going to be the craziest thing im talking about. Im going to find another word for stunning, unbelievable and unprecedented. I try to find them but it doesnt happen. One example, during the primaries, donald trump was on the stage going at it with marco rubio, and it was at the time when they were talking about the size of his hands. Trevor oh, yeah, hands, but you know what yes, hands. Trevor okay, hands. So he comes out to the spin room, and im doing a live interview with him with melania standing next to him. I s