Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20170412 : vimarsana.com

COM The Daily Show April 12, 2017

[halfhearted cheering] kenny, bless your soul. Youve saved all of heaven. Yes, kenny. And to thank you for what youve done, we are going to do give you a very special gift. For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this. Keanu reeves statue. Congratulations. [smattering of applause] captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com [dramatic, percussive music] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york. The daily show with trevor noah presents. [dramatic musical flourish] hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show. Now, were officially off tv this week, but were still on tv, and so what were gonna do is celebrate all of our correspondents. Joining me tonight to kick off his very own special is our Senior Technology correspondent, ronny chieng. Thanks, trevor. How did you get the Name Technology correspondi dont even know how that happened. I dont know, i thought the correspondent thing was like a joke, and suddenly Senior Technology correspondent stuck, and so now i guess i can only do tech news. Is that like an asian thing that we made a mistake on . I think so, yeah. I think there was, like, tinges of racism in there but, hey, ill take anything i can get. [both laughing] youre like. [upbeat music] lets move on to the world of news media. Were now joined by senior media correspondent ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] [mouthing] thank you. Thank you. Hey, trevor, im not sure if youre familiar with the internet or tv, but if you are, youve probably seen this [bleep] that happened a few days ago on fox news. In the first president ial debate, china was mentioned 12 times. So we sent watters down to new yorks chinatown to sample political opinion. Okay, first of all, let me get this straight. They say china in the debate, so you go to chinatown . In new york . So when they mention mexico, do you send someone to taco bell . Chinatown is nothing like china. They got nothing to do with each other. Thats like if they brought up womens rights, so i decide to go over to fox news to get some opinions now, as dumb as that premise is, it is nothing compared to the idiocy that followed. And by the way, we havent added anything to this. This is the original footage from fox news. [cliched trilling eastern music] [boom] [pop music] am i supposed to bow to say hello . [speaking foreign language] [giggles] i like these watches. Are they hot . Jcpenney. 3. 98. [laughing] who you gonna vote for . Clintons wife has a namewhat is it . Oh, man. [laughs] i forget it. Well, snap out of it do you know karate . Yeah, i know. Hit my hand. Huhhuhhuh huhhahhah [screaming] [moans] ah. Thats the spot. Is it the year of the dragon . [upbeat music] rabbit . No, its actually the year of go [bleep] yourself [cheers and applause] what the hell was that . How was that on the news . In fact, how was that even on tv . Where the [bleep] did this come from . I mean, everyones been wondering whod be the target of 2016s worst racism. I didnt even know asians were in the running oh, and by the way, if youre gonna be racist, at least get your stereotypes right, you ignorant sack of [bleep]. Karate isnt chinese. Its japanese and youre doing it in a tae kwon do studio, which is korean, you [bleep] jackoff jack on, jackoff, jack on, jackoff [cheers and applause] [bleep] this guy and seriously, mr. Miyagi . Update your Reference Material thats like me making fun of americans for saturday night fever and mr. T. Yeah, real topical stuff, buddy. If you wanna come at chinese people, make fun of chinas high pollution or the fact that they censor most of the internet, which, in this case, might actually be a good thing, since no person in china will ever have to watch your garbage attempt at comedy. Donald trump beating up on china at the debate. [chuckles] [crickets chirping] trump has been beating up on china. How does that make you feel . [upbeat music] speak speak why dont you speak . Hey, asshole, they dont speak english. Thats why theyre silent. Its easy to make fun of someone when they cant respond. Hereill show you. Hey, douche bag. Why do you look like a guy who carries around a pack of roofies just in case . [laughter] and why do you look like you have hookers on speed dial . Oh, and followup question is it hard to fit bill oreillys entire scrotum in your mouth . Audience oh [crickets chirping] this might come as a surprise, but chineseamericans do actually have genuine thoughts on this years election. Thats why i went to chinatown to speak to people in a language they understood human. [dramatic music] [speaking foreign language] [laughter] wait. You understand american politics enough to lodge a protest vote . Definitely. Im from queens. What are your thoughts on the Jesse Watters video on fox news . The chicken[bleep] reporter who came down here and thought he was being [bleep] because he talked to people who couldnt speak english . Yeah, that douche bag piece of [bleep]. The one who was sent here by the larger chicken[bleep] who couldnt come to chinatown because he was afraid to do it himself . You mean that one . Yeah. That guy. The one with no testicles . The one who came down here who said let me talk to some old people. Totally. And let me put them on camera without asking them. Yeah. And sort of put them on National Television and made fun of them in the worst possible way . That asshole . Yeah. I think were talking about the same guy. Right, right, right. What was the question again . I cant remember. [cheers and applause] thank you very much. Ronny chieng, everyone. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] [hiphop music] [cheers and applause] classic hersheys outside. With a new creamy, crunchy inside. New hersheys cookie layer crunch. Classic reimagined. Fortified. 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Change your wifi password to something you can actually remember, instantly. Add that premium channel, and watch the show everyones talking about, tonight. And the bill you need to pay . Do it in seconds. Because we should fit into your life, not the other way around. Go to xfinity. Com myaccount [upbeat music] [rhythmic instrumentals] for thousands of years, jews, christians, and muslims having been fighting about whose old book is right about god stuff. Theyre like the jersey housewives of the middle east. And now, 1,400 years of religious warfare is coming to america. A trinity of faiths, blending friendship between christians, jews, and muslims. The Trifaith Initiative in omaha, nebraska is opening a synagogue, a church, and a mosque in the same location. [dramatic musical sting] [rumbling] i sat down with the rabbi, the reverend, and the muslim guy in charge to find out what the hell they were thinkin. We fundamentally think that peace is possible, and we feel that this can be also a model for others. Dont you think its pretty arrogant to fly in the face of 1,400 years of hating each other . Religions do not teach us to hate. They just teach us to love. Does that make you want to kill him . Actually, hug him. Listen to these guys. They were one step away from jihading a crusade all over each other. Doesnt anyone in omaha see how dangerous this is . Innocent people will die. Thank you this is Mark Christian. Hes president of the global faith institute. He used to be a muslim, and youll never guess what religion Mark Christian converted to. I was a sunni muslim, and now im a follower of christ. Im a kind of a twofaith kind of person. Youre twofaced. Yep. Uh, not twofaced. Two faith. Right. You got two different personalities faith. Not face. Two faces. Two faith. After another half hour of pronunciation lessons, we finally got down to the really scary [bleep]. Muslims and christians and jews do not agree on their ideology whatsoever. Those radical muslims and jihadists will find many reasons to go and kill innocent people in the Trifaith Initiative. See . Terrorists hate cooperation. When isis hears about this, theyre gonna drop everything and head straight for omaha. If they can find it. Guys, look, i know this seems like a good idea. Its like a kfc mixed with a taco bell and a pizza hut fantastic on paper, but its gonna end up slowly killing all of us. There are three of us, and the face we represent are kinda like three guys who have fallen in love with the same woman. But this womans love is so much greater and vaster than our own that she can have an integral relationship with each one of us right. Foursome. Got it. Well. No. And and theres a lot of fun. To be had having a foursome. Theres a lot of fun that has that takes place when three great faiths come together and acknowledge they worship the same god. Come together. Yeah. Audience oh hes gonna be pretty pissed when he realizes why we just highfived. So these are all just superprogressive, funloving dudes who wanna party down with the weird ghost thing they all believe in. But think of the practicality. Its like a religious turducken. How is this even gonna work . How are you gonna fit a church into a mosque into a synagogue . They have three separate buildings and then another fourth building where they gonna have the Easter Egg Hunt and all kind of kumbaya that they usually do. So the buildings are gonna be separate . Each of the faith communities are existing in separate facilities. This is not the taco and the donut shop that you created before. So whats the big deal . Globally, two out of three muslims wants to overthrow the government and apply sharia law and live under the leadership of islamic state. [dramatic music] i knew it i had to warn them about their scary muslim guy. Im sorry, could you just cover your ears for just one second . Thank you. Listen, guys, two out of every three muslim wants to impose sharia law on the entire world. Well, thats ridiculous, first of all, and second of all, fundamentalists of all stripes want to impose their views on the whole world. Who told you, uh. This lie . Im sorry, can i just stop you guys listen, sir, youre being really aggressive right now, and i just need you to take it down a few notches. Okay. As many notches as youd like. These guys talk a big game about tolerance, but what happens if Mark Christian is right . What if they do get attacked . We will stand together and defend ourselves and support each other. With your guns and bombs. We dont need any guns. We have ideas. Im not gonna lie youre scaring the [bleep] out of me right now. I dont mean to. They just wouldnt give up. There was only one thing that could take down the Trifaith Initiative [dramatic musical sting] every relationship ive ever had has been destroyed by trying to decide what the hell to watch on netflix. Mad men. Big night. Homeland. As i expected, they were falling apart. I used to like girls, and then i gave up on hbo. There was no way they could portlandia . Okay. Yeah. [bleep]. That was way easier than i thought. I guess if a jew, a christian, and a muslim can walk into a bar and its not a joke and they dont kill each other, maybe there is hope for peace in the middle east of america. [uplifting music] [cheers and applause] ronny chieng, everybody. Well be right back. [hiphop music] well be right back. Twenty years from now. You will be more disappointed. By the things you didnt do. Than by the ones you did do. [beep, beep, beep, beep] [tires screech] wooo so throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. 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Youre getting sleepy. Watch the beer you want to be the next big thing. The next lebron. But the truth is,. We dont need more lebrons. We dont need more adrianas. We dont need more drews. We need more of me. announcer we need more kids to see the world of possibilities. Thats why verizon is giving free tech, free access, and handson learning to students in need. Join us at weneedmore. Com. [upbeat music] this is my First American election, and come january, there might be a 50foot gold trump sign on top of the white house. As a nonwhite immigrant, can anyone give me one reason why i shouldnt get the [bleep] outta here . How bout this guy, professor peter navarro, one of trumps new economic advisers. Whats he got for me . The Biggest Issue in this campaign is the economy. I believe donald trump will be great for the economy. Not just goodgreat. I mean, you are an old white guy wearing a suit, so i guess it fits the demographic. Uh, youre let me guess. 29. I thought you were gonna say filipino, but close. Youre young, welldressed. Smart. If the major problem facing your country is the economy, who else would you want besides a business person and an entrepreneur . Oh, rightwho cares about trumps crazy racist crap . In america, its all about the bottom line. Trump will be great for the economy. We need. A leader. That wrote the art of the deal. The guy who wrote the art of the deal . You mean Tony Schwartz . Oh, nothe other guy. So trump, the billionaire business boss, is ready to fix the economy for everyone. Like, for example, the 1,400 carrier workers who will be laid off next year when the plant moves to mexico. After a video of them losing their jobs went viral, trump became obsessed with helping them. Im the one that brings up carrier all the time. Carriers my baby. Carrier people. I fell in love with them. They fell in love with me. I sat down with some of these carrier workers, aka trumps new baes, to find out how their relationship is going. So you guys must love donald trump. Hell, no [laughter] [cheers and applause] we dont endorse him. We want someone whos gonna be tough on china, but, you know, this guys known for using his own clothing line thats made in china. Theres thousands and thousands of stories. He has people do work for him, and then he dont pay em, and then he lawyers em out of business. Hes a smart businessman. Hes a crook. Yeah, but what does this guy know about big business . Hes literally wearing a blue collar. Sure, theyre right about trump making stuff overseas and not paying vendors, but that doesnt mean he cant also help American Workers. Hell be tough with china. Lets role play here. You be donald trump. Ill be china. I need you to be tough on me. The American People need to have [speaking foreign language] can i have my own translator . See, this i get it, but, i mean, it just doesnt work for me. Yeah. And then trade will . The negotiation with the chinese did not go well. Look, the carrier workers just dont get it. So trump is facing a few pesky lawsuits dont these basic bitches know that in america you cant make a business omelet without breaking a few dozen eggs. Donald trump has, like. I think 35 lawsuits against him . People will cherrypick whatever they want. Sorry, not 35. 3,500. Lawsuits. But at the end of the day, hes a very successful billionaire whos shown himself to be very entrepreneurial and very successful. Because when youre a billionaire, you can do whatever the [bleep] you want. You dont have to listen to what anyone else says. You can just get [bleep] done. Well put, ronny. Yeah turns out, the key to helping American Workers is by making as much money as you can off them. And if you still have any doubts about trump, just listen to the guy who really wrote the art of the deal Tony Schwartz on donald trump. He has the Attention Span and the Knowledge Base of a nineyearold with adhd, and im not saying that to be funny. Ha ha good one, tony. Trump twins, extend [uplifting music] [perc

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