The smiling woman on the home page is gone. Jon gone [laughter] get out they got rid of that smiling lady although im not sure the new home page is an improvement. [laughter] we had a lot of fun today talking about how the leg swing should go. [laughter] were bored. Please tell me that its not the only change that theyre making to the site. The Obama Administrations promising it will be largely problemfree by the end of november. Weve got people working overtime 24 7. To boost capacity and address these problems every single day. And let me be perfectly clear. These people will not be given breaks. [laughter] many of these people are children. Jon you know, i do think i do think like that . I do think i may have spotted one of the problems affecting why the healthcare. Gov site is so slow. Apparently the servers are being overloaded by news casters from every Single Network trying to log on. No network has been loggier than our pals at cnn that want you to know they have a clock. Were almost 13 minutes in and shes been locked out time and time again. One making progress. The others going slow and now slower. One person is reaching out to get help online. Well find out halfway into the live obama care signup effort. So far were seeing progress, serious set backs. You may like the options. You dont know if youre in yet. You love the options. Happy with it . Absolutely. Its not very streamlined. Its kind of a lot its a lot to sort through. Jon plus, theres cameras and a clock and you [bleep] are breathing down my neck. [laughter] i love how the one lady goes, i love the options. You love them . Lets talk to gabe. I dont want to hear about what is really in the thing. Lets talk to gabe. The only thing more disturbing than signing up for healthcare. Gov is apparently watching people sign up for healthcare. Gov. Were watching these people trying to sign up for obama care here in the situation room. Jon wow that womans reaction, you think people were [bleep] in a cup or something. That was weird how she reacted to people trying to sign up for a website. Anyway, the Obama Administration has promised the site will be fixed be by the end of november. Just in case its not, no worries. There will be a hearing this morning about the governments new healthcare website. Jon congress . [laughter] congress is on the case. Who better to fix this than congress . [laughter] in fact, not just congress, the committee whos secondranging democrat entered congress four years before the 1959 invention of micro chips. I resign my colleagues the last perfect lay came outside, it was moses written on a stone tablet by the hand of god. And i was there. [laughter] jon nice guy, moses. Never made good on the milk and honey thing. Good people. Thats not fair. This committee im sure includes people with the proper expertise. A science major from Rice University and a former naval aviator. Jon thats what im talking about. Could not afford to have my computer drop off line as im getting ready to drop a torpedo to stop a Russian Submarine to drop a nuke missile at our country. [laughter] jon i think that guy just used the plot for the hunt for red october to flag healthcare. Gov. Anyway, lets move on to someone else. Representative joe barton from texas. He wants to apologize to bp for getting oil on our beaches, i guess. Barton had concerns beyond the healthcares efficacy. How in the world can this be hippa compliant when hippa is designed to protect the patients privacy and this explicitly says in order to continue, you have to accept this condition that you dont have privacy. Jon that is my point. My guess is that its hippa compliant because the website doesnt ask you for Actual Health information. So you know what . I wonder if theres another congress person. Perhaps a democrat, that is so sick of this [bleep] and this guy that he answers the question, but cannot hide his utter contempt for joe bartons willful ignorance. Hippa only applies when theres Health Information being provided thats not in play here today. No Health Information is required in the application process and why is that . Because preexisting conditions dont matter. So once again, here we have my republican colleagues trying to scare everybody will you no, i will not kneel to this monkey portal. This is not a monkey portal. Jon is there anything other than the rhythmic tribelt . The rhythmic tribelt just had enough of these [bleep]s head rolling. Whatever. If you cant handle the refreshments, darlene, you cant be on the refreshments committee. [laughter] its i dont know if you heard it because you were laughing too hard. The off camera congressmans denial back at this guy that this is not a monkey court. Its just not [laughter] monkey court, of course, was my 1990s mtv courtroom reality show. [laughter] by the way, i still dont know why i was the one that had to wear the diapers. Anyway, monkey court not withstanding, there was one issue that congressman mckinley wanted to get to the bottom of. I havent heard one of you apologize to the american public. Are apologies not in order . Ive not heard the word im sorry. I dont understand why theres not an apology to the american public. [laughter] [cheers applause] jon how did you [applause] how did you do that . What sorts of wizardry is this . [laughter] theyre multiplying theres difficulty website rhymes. Let the goal be to fix it, not nix it. We want to fix it, not nix it. Fix it, dont nix it. Jon fix it. Dont not nix it. Correct it, do not reject it. Debug it, please do not unplug it. Improve it, dont remove it. [laughter] repair it, not four square it. Weve got to squeeze her, dont tease her, never leave her try a little tenderness oh, yeah all youve got to do no, no, no weve got to try ahhhh a little tenderness [cheers applause] jon that was weird. [laughter] of course, republicans bit off one solution. Republicans believe they may have found the answer to all of our technical problems. Mr. John mcafee. You may know mr. Mcafee as the founder of the company that bears his name and sells antiviral software. John mcafee was wanted in connection to the murder of an american, greg faulk, in balize. Jon okay. We can try that or try a little tenderness, baby oh, yeah weve got to please her, tease her ahh well be right back eeeeee [cheers applause] jon took about three weeks since all of us found out that healthcare healthcare. Gov wasnt doing well. Kathleen sebelius said that the president didnt know about the website problems until after the launch. When did you know there was a problem . It became clear fairly early on. The first couple days that but not before that though . Not before october 1 . Jon you didnt know there would be problems until the day this is your signature program. Your name is on it. You look like the charmin bear just found out what people do with his toilet paper. You put this where . Ive been rubbing this on my face for years may be a bit concerning that the president wasnt kept in the loop about the Program Named after him. But appeared to be very few loops. For the first time, the government revealed that it man monitored some 35 world leaders, including angela merkel. And the president was kept in the dark about it for five years. Jon what . So for five years. I assume the president is being presented with the findings from this world leader monitoring. Never occurred to him in five years, how are we getting this . Does the president believe in surveillance fairies . This is crazy. More importantly, if the president wasnt aware that we were spying on our allies, who gave the go ahead to spy on our alleys . An nsa spokes woman said that take orders from the National Intelligent priorities frame work and not the president. Jon what the [bleep] is this . [laughter] did we find out about it because of some kind of nipf slip . For more on the president , we go to jessica william. Jessica [cheers applause] how can the president be unaware of whats going on around him . Because nobody tells him, jon. You have to understand the president is a very sensitive man. He doesnt handle bad news well. Hes a cryer. [laughter] jon like a John Boehner Cryer . Please, jon, the president is so emotional. The guy cries when people that litter told him to suck it up. Jon what else has the president not been told . Well, basically all the bad stuff. He thinks gun control passed and that we shut down guantanamo three years ago. He thinks republicans will actually work with him. I know. Im telling you, the president is in a bubble. Jon hes a bubble boy. Yes. Exactly. Jon why is it so important that president obama be kept in the dark about it . Because they dont want to bum him out, jon. Hes supposed to be americas inspiration. The face of hope and change. How is he supposed to give the moving speeches if he knows all the terrible stuff that is really going on . I dont know how you can sit here and tell jokes every night. Jon i pretend im a character in a movie about the country falling about. Thanks, jon. A good tip. Jon if the president doesnt know what is actually happening, how does he run the country . Oh, jon, no president has run the country since kennedy. You heard what they said. Our spying operation is totally under the control of the National Intelligence priorities frame work. Jon i cant believe that. You couldnt come up with a more sinister sounding organization. Exactly. Jon to secretly run the country. How many of them operating through the bowels of our government without our knowledge . Jon you said bowels. Yes. And dont worry, theres two. Nipf and theyre overseen by the regional world order director. Jon wait. Theyre overseen by the regional new world order director . You cant say that. Jon why not . Because you cant throw around the n word. Are you crazy . Jon you just said the n word. Hey, jon, i can say that. I have the security clearance. Jon thank you, sica. Essica. [cheers applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight is a star of park and recreation. His book is called paddle your own canoe. Welcome to the program, Nick Offerman. [cheers applause] well done, sir. Thank you. Jon thanks for being here. Thank you for the scotch. [laughter] jon we always like to be helpful. This is the book here. Paddle your own canoe. Once again, im offended by someone pedalling hollywood values such as hard work and loving your wife. Well jon well, people read this book and live by the code of offerman. Happy, happy life. Its smut filled with flannel shirts. Jon youre a renaissance man. Im a midwesterner we call it. [laughter] sadly these days if you know the difference between a phillips screwdriver and a standard head, youre a renaissance man. Jon thats what im saying. This canoe, is this the actual canoe that you built . Thats my first canoe. I built that in a shop in redhook brooklyn, actually. We were living in town. My wife was doing a broadway show and i was board. [laughter] so i built my first canoe. Jon now we all have them since hurricane sandy. Thats right. [laughter] jon we all have to learn how to build canoes. When did you first start because woodworking would you say you know how to do many things . Woodworking is maybe the passion. Sure, yeah, if i had to pick one thing besides working as a clown, it would be making things out of wood. Jon yes. What is it because i also i happen to dabble. When did you get involved in woodworking . How did it become a passion . You make your own furniture. Well, i grew up using tools. My family are these great farmers and my dad is an amateur furniture maker through my youth. And then i started building scenery professionally for many years because i couldnt get good parts in the play. Jon you can now. Can i build the castle . Jon and then in los angeles, turns out there wasnt a great Theater Community in chicago so i started building whatever i could. I had sort of an epiphany that i loved making old school heirloom furniture pieces. Jon beautiful stuff. Do you have your thing . My device . Jon you got to see this thing. It is for someone that is woodworking i made my sons changing table when he was burn and i looked at this thing and i felt incredibly bad about myself. You got to see this. Can we get this . Which is the good camera . One . Look at this bad boy. He made this. Tell us what this is. Thats a redwood bench. I run a shop i was jon so beautiful. I designed it and worked on it. For me to say i made these is about ridiculous. There was about 16 of us. A great outpouring of love. It was a donation to my alma mater, the university of illinois. It was embarrassing when you said i made this. Jon but you made the tree. He made the tree. I did. I grew the trick. Jon Nick Offerman made the tree that that table came from. Really you just plant a small cone. Yeah. Conifers are easy. Jon and you wait 300 years until it gets old and sickly. And the one thing i truly identify with, you tell a story of when you realized the difficulty of life in acting when you went on a budweiser audition. It was a horrible day. Jon a horrible day. But not horrible because of the caliber of individuals who were there with you. Yeah, it was something that everyone does. You know, youre trying to get a break. One thing you can do is go audition for any commercial. You realize that, you know, i come from a im a classically trained theater actor and youre sitting in a room with a bun of of yahoos. Anybody can get this job. Thats when i noticed the guy who played ogre on revenge of the nerds. Nerds yeah. A hero of mine. Jon a hero. God, even that guy has done a lot of great movies. Across the room, i saw carmine, from laverne and shirley. Jon the big ragoo. I felt like a green horn. I thought even carmine needs to make his rent. Jon yes. Just having been on some of those auditions. I can remember in the early days of peewee herman. He was the big thing. Everybody would show up and had on the red bow tie. You thought, im such a [bleep]. It goes crazy. But you stayed with us and now look at you. Well, its fine life lessons from the renaissance mass. Paddle your own canoe. Nick offerman, everybody. [ [ jon thats our show, ladies and gentlemen. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. You may not have noticed this you probably did. New york is a little less wonderful tonight. Here it is. O