Virgins. [laughter] first well check in with the situation in eastern europe. Last time we looked Vladmir Putin was insisting russia had no soldiers in crimea, russia had no designs on crimea and russia wasnt that stumped in a crossword clue for six letters former soviet ma peninsula starting with c. Most are under russian control. Armored vehicles slashed through wall walls and troops took over the last remaining Ukrainian Air base. Jon there has to be an entrance. What are you doing . What are you kool aid man, come on be a person. Obviously the kool aid man could be forgiven. Theres no way old san degreea hip sangria hips is getting through there even if there was a door. [ laughter ] this is empire takes back. President boobs akimbo here. [laughter] has finally gotten what he wanted not only annexed crimea but crushed the spirit of the Ukrainian Army. Look at this incredibly sad retreat. Its an army not so much defeated as laid off. It looks like theyve been laid off. Sure take your toaster oven. Look at this guy. For god sakes that could be the poster for the lamest war movie ever, saving potted ficus. Thats really [laughter] it turned the entire Ukrainian Army into a giant ziggy cartoon, you just feel bad. [laughter] i tell you what this shall not stand because guess what mother bleep you just woke up a sleeping giant. The white house imposed rounds one and two of sanctions freezing assets, barring entry to tea russian officials. Jon . America bleep yeah boom, boom [laughter] tell us how our assets taste putin. [ laughter ] oh, thats right because your key officials in charge after this cant enter our country because of our two sanctions. Booya. Russian responded with its own sanctions sanctions on prest obamas advisors, top lawmakers. Jon touche, well played. Didnt realize you had high level sanction technology. [ laughter ] well, if thats how its going to bet vladmir, you have no idea what youve done. After an emergency meeting the u. S. , europe, canada and japan announced moscow will lose its place in the g8 until it changes course. Jon suck on that bleep . G18 now the g7 and you are not going to be there and i heard this year there was going to be face painting. [ laughter ] what kind of leader would risk ruining russia as economy as well as International Standing and for what . Crimean pa nins la. I didnt even make the top 12 peninsulas list in peninsula magazine that is the cover story every month baja, california, wait its in mexico why do they call it california . Putin doing anybody he wants with impunity, how concerned should we be . Russia is it a Regional Power that is threatening some its immediate neighbors not out of strength but out of weakness. Jon its good to get that perspective so we can take a breath and calm down. I continue to be much more concerned when it comes to our security with the prospect of a Nuclear Weapon going off in manhattan. [laughter] [laughter] jon i think i just made a poopoo. For more were joined by our senior russian correspondent jessica williams. Hi. Jon thank you for joining us. Jessica, youve obviously studied russian history for many, many years. Putin has isolated his country. Absolutely. Jon theres if question. He has risked russias fragile economy for what is an unattractively bulbous peninsula. The official word from moscow is that putin, and that is what they said doesnt give a bleep . Jon thats oat official word . Diplomatic communication straight from the kremlin. Jon russia has been prospering this could cut it off doesnt give a bleep . Jon this could no tango give el bleep . Jon i dont know what language that was . Spanish and a little bit of my own language. [laughter] jon the right is saying putin did this because he sensd obamas weakness, the wests weakness. Harry reid said it was because republicanned blocked sanctions and were not unified behind the president thank could he about the reason if putin gave a bleep but he doesnt. Not for congress, not about the president not about the west. You want to know who caused this . This guy and this guy. Jon stalin and peter the great . Exactly. Figures of once great russian empire. Remember in the 80s when the berlin wall fell and the soviet union crumbled and everybody was dancing on streets. Did you ever think to look on the other side after this wall . Jon are you serious . [laughter] soaz sad, hes so sad. The tears falling on his bare chest. We still have laws. You cant just take territory because you want it . Really . Jon yes. Why dont i be putin and you tell me that. Jon role play. All right. President , putin with all due respect annexing crimea falls outside the limits. Too late, is mine now [laughter] jon but you cant theres international norms. This is nice desk. Jon thank. Wow. Jon thank you thats putin want desk, jon. Jon thats nice. Putin want desk. 97 of people say take desk so i take desk. Thank you. Jon you cant do that though. Yes, i can. Im putin. Desk is [cheers and applause] desk is putins desk now. Jon actually if im first of all i didnt realize you were as tall as me sitting down. I am large woman. Jon that is somewhat upsetting even more than the taking of my land. Well. Jon this is my land, my desk. Historically its putins desk. Jon you are a jerk well, putin doesnt give a bleep . Its a nice desk. Comfy desk. [ intercom ] drivers, to your marks. Go [ male announcer ] its chaos out there. But the mclass sees in your blind spot. Pulls you back into your lane. Even brakes all by itself. Its almost like it couldnt crash. Even if it tried. The 2014 mclass. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. Andrew could you send me the revised deck please. andrew the revised deck. tim i can do that. Your samsung can do that . Mine cant do two things at once. Huh. Huh. christine andrew, are you okay . Yeah. Hes just brainstorming. Very stormy in here. Ah, lets go to slide 6. Andrew, what happened to your tablet . Do two things at once on the galaxy note pro with multi window. Available at verizon. Are you up for whatever happens next . I think i can do that. Ian, ian how you doing tonight. Dah dah. This is a bizarre night. See ians full night at upforwhatever. Com [cheers and applause] jerry wol coll jon welcome back. Before we went on a break senator Mitch Mcconnell of kentucky was known for two things. Being the Senate Minority lead leader and of course his infamous sex tape with rayj. Hey, ahu is there someone behind me . [laughter] sure feels like it. [ laughter ] ahyep. [ laughter ] theres a third thing he is known for. The senator released an unusual two and a half Minute Campaign ad of just himself looking weird that we thought could be improved upon using right music. I like big butts and i cannot lie you other brothers cant deny when a girl walks in with an ittybitty waist jon we called it mccoming and we asked you to play along and man, did you play along. Tens of thousands of videos some of your choices connected directly with mcconnells inner pain. I hurt myself today to see if i still feel [laughter] jon others of you focused on mcconnells playful side. Oh, yeah oh, yeah [laughter] jon one of our favorites wasnt even a song. You make a great team. Its been that way since the day you met but your erectile dysfunction could be a question of blood flow. Cialas helps you be ready any time the moment is right. Jon i enjoyed that one quite a bit. The main thing to remember is its a tremendously good time. But the mcconnelling thing has to come to an end. It has to. Mainly to make room for something were calling meconnelling. Its a game where you put yourself inside the ads. All you need is say chair, a desk and a whole lot of creepy smiles. It is a fantastic opportunity if you are the weird guy at the office. [laughter] we realize that meconnelling wont last forever and so we have mitch takes where you show us exactly what smiling mcmcconnell is smiling at. Goddamn you jon we should probably stop there but why when we have mcconnellhey thats where you take Mitch Mcconnell and Matthew Mcconaughey and do whatever you want. Thats who the law says you cannot touch. But i think i see a lot of law breakers. You just gotta keep living man. All right, all right, all right. Jon all right. Just remember dont do any of this while you are at work. Do it while you are at work. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] so our business can be on at ts network for 175 a month . Yup. All 5 of you for 175. Our clients need a lot of attention. Theres unlimited talk and text. Were working deals all day. You get 10 gigabytes of data to share. What about expansion potential . Add a line, anytime, for 15 a month. Low dues, great terms. Lets close new at t mobile share value plans our best value plans ever for business. Oh the name your price tool you tell them how much you want to pay, and they help you find a policy that fits your budget. I told you to wear something comfortable this is a polyester blend whoa uh. Little help . I got you unh its so beautiful man should we Call Security . No, this is just getting good. The name your price tool, still only from progressive. Was it worshipped by an ancient civilization . Its real paco. [ man laughs, monkey screeches ] actually, we just ran out of buns. So. [ male announcer ] applebees legendary quesadilla burger. An epic reason to see you tomorrow. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight, she is the coauthor of new book no slam dancing, no stage diving, no spikes an oral history of legendary city gardens. He is a front man of butthole surfers. Here is a upcoming documentary about the city gardens called riot on the dance floor. It was a really filthy club. We were robbed while we were on stage. I walked into the bathroom and there was this dude crumpled up on the floor with blood running down his head. It is the most dangerous place to ever go. I was told over and over again dont go there. Youll get your head kicked. In skinheads its just a rough, rough place. Jon we called it home. Please welcome Amy Yates Wuelfing and gibby haynes. Come on out. [cheers and applause] the love, the love. Vuk it. Group hug. Jon sit, sit, sit. Nice to see you. By the way, circumstance a fitting tribute on the arm. Gwar dave brockie. A sad situation. Also used to come to the club. Ill ask gibby first and then well talk about the book. This was in trenton, new jersey. Yes. Jon it was by all accounts a bleep hole. Absolutely. Jon why do you think such good bands one of first consertz i ever saw was butthole surfers openinging for dead kennedys. Why do you think it was a must stop on the tour . It was a place you could play between new york and philadelphia. [ laughter ] jon so it was purely a convenience situation. Absolutely. Jon oh, man, i thought there was an essence to it. Maybe people just got lost on the turnpike. [ laughter ] jon what made you decide to get an oral history of this club . I bar tended there for a couple of years and went there for many more. But i dont think we thought it was a Legendary Club at the time. We didnt. We took it for granted. The book is really a time capsule about indy music in the indie music in the 80s and 90s before technology dmaim and changed everything. Historically it wasnt that long ago, maybe 30 years but technologywise it was light years ago. There was no internet, no cell phones. If you wanted to meet other miss fits and misfits and, you know, people who didnt fit in you had to go out of your house and find these people. I think the fact that we all went there spoke to our creativity. We were suburban kids, stuck sort of in the middle of philadelphia and new york. There was a club a little oasis for us, a judgmentfree zone. Could you go and be yourself. You didnt have to worry about people looking down on you. I think for a lot of us who went there, it was just a way to really express ourselves and really find out who we were. Jon these bands, back at this time the touring groups you saw cro mags. Gwar used to play there, the ramons, bad brains all these incredible musicians would come through there. Without the internet was there sort of an underground circuit that you all knew about. These were the clubs as you went along the east coast or west coast these were the clubs where this type of music flourishes. What they had is fanzines those were circulated around the united states. Thats basically how you found out. There were indie booking agents that would get new. Jon the guy that booked this club. This was one of the more Amazing Things was a u. S. Postman randy now. Yes, he was a postman. Just his love of music. Jon right. Was what really pushed him to create this club and this environment. Its part of it, too, it came from a place of love. Jon right. It wasnt all about commerce or money. Jon im glad it came from a place of love because inside of mostly punching. I remember there was a good deal of punching. From the stage was that typical . Do you you know, was this unusual to this club, the violence that took place in there . Was that what that scene was at that time . The bands were usually immune from the violence. Occasionally i got stabbed on stage one time. Jon sure. Generally you didnt really experience that on stage. There was a certain amount of respect paid to the band. Jon thats why i liked being behind the bar. There were two oasises on that the bar area and stage area but in between a lot of. You had a buffer at city gardens and you have it here now. Jon generally after the interviews i am tipped still the same way as it worked out. [laughter] you were there for a legendary show. It was a show it might have been 1986, 1987. This was butthole surfers on stage. Thats fire. [ laughter ] and i dont know if you can see this gibby theres a naked woman on you. Shes got a tea bag on. Jon she shz z have some underwear. We used to do all ages shows. These were the hard core shows. You had kids 12 to whatever. You had a performer who enjoyed not having fabric. Nudity. Yes. Jon something happened where they pulled the sound. Do you remember any of this . Yeah, well, the main thing that was really the way every night went for us. [laughter] but the main thing i remember from that show was that after the show was over i was backstage totally getting bitched at by this hormone craidz soccer crazed soccer mom telling me how irresponsible i was for performing that way in front of her 14yearold son she had taken there. I was like what are you doing after the show . Just made her angary. Jon i think i can see why that would make her angrier. It was that kind of anarchy that in a weird way spurred a lot of creativity. I remember feeling relief at being able to come to this place and seeing truly anarchy happen. It was an anything goes atmosphere. Apparently not. Jon fire was the once place you couldnt go. The best part about that story is after the kay can yos, fire, the bands refused to leave, they had to call the police to get you out of there. Theres only one reason for a band to not leave a bleep . Jon i think i know what that may be. He didnt come up with a bag of money. Im thinking maybe. They had a clause in the contract saying if you dont if you try to burn it down. I was waiting for the soccer mom. Jon im delighted you put it down. It was one of my favorite times in my life. You have a show carnegie hall. Carnegie hall paul simon song someone didnt get the memo. Jon give me a hint. Monday the 31 hft concert benefiting Music Education programs. I dont imagine they light people on fire there but i havent been there in a while so im happening. Could happen. Jon no slam dancing, no stage diving, no spikes. Its on the bookshelves now. Gibby haynes and amy yat [ male announcer ] the Wright Brothers started in a garage. Mattel started in a garage. Disney started in a garage. Amazon started in a garage. The ramones started in a garage. My point . Some of the most innovative things in the world come out of american garages. Introducing the lighter, faster cadillac cts. 2014 motor trend car of the year. Aint garages great . Brewed for more this ispirited nights. Tune. Its undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. You might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. Miller fortune. Your fortune awaits. My tell em babe. How shemes doesnt solve the crimes. Dont call babe . Were not together. What . I have your lipstick all over my rim. Look, this morning was great. It was, it was amazing, but its over. Over like, over. Joyed . Look im from New Hampshire youre a beverage. Sarah, im having a weird day. Alright were done. Break up with lingering food. Ding this is such an us fight. Its such an us kind of fight. For that just brushed clean feeling. Eat, drink, chew orbit to help pay for her kids ice time, before earning 1 cash back. Guys everywhere, every time. Close the front door and 2 back at the grocery store, even before she got 3 back on gas with no hoops to jump through, katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. Thats the comfort of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. Jon thats our show. Here it is your moment of zen. I cant. Its too big. Look at captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us