But first, we turn to the middle east, where a group of Sunni Islamist militants have formed nation startup looking to gain market share in iraq. The group is called isis, not to be confused with their early 90s incarnation, vanilla isis. [laughter] anyway, the Iraqi Government has now had a couple tweaks respond to the rebels incursion. We should be getting news of the Iraqi Governments triumph right about now. Isis militants control the borderrary with syria, the border area with jordan and pretty much everything in between. Jon right about now. [laughter] wait did you just blow past everything in between. Did you just yadda, yadda the invasion . Yeah, isis came in from syria, started sweeping east, yadda, yadda, yadda, the u. N. Now recognizes the Islamic Republic of isis. Isis running an entire country, it seems like fun, guys, but i think youre going to learn, running a country is not as easy as it sounds. Isis militants trying take over a hydroelectric dam. Providing social services and investing in electricity. On the streets of mosul, isis militants now direct traffic. [laughter] jon all right. First of all, my guess is that dude is not the top jihadi. Im sure the leaders like, you, grab your group, move toward baghdad. You, seize the refineries. Jimmy, make sure no one blocks the box. As you know, for quite a few years the flow of iraqi traffic was our job. And if you think were just going to sit here and let islamist radicals recalibrate the dont walk signs, well, listen up, mister, you got another thing coming. President obama is send small group of American Forces into iraq, up to 275 troops. Jon 275. [laughter] now, there is an effective number of troops to fight an invading force in that part of the world, but it aint 275. [laughter] president obama plans to send 300 u. S. Military advisers to iraq. Jon thats what im talking about. 300 is the exact number of troops. Not one less. Not one more. 299 you leave a gap. 301 theyre tripping over each others abs. 300 we have arrived. [cheering and applause] so america once again being drawn into the instability of that region, which means its only matter of time before [ darth vader theme music playing] there he is, americas tragedy herpe, dick cheney. All right. Dick cheney, tell us how weve done everything wrong since you left office, and if you would, do it from in front of a sears Portrait Studio back drop while your stiff apprentice stands in an eerie silent vigil. Go. The policies of the last six years have left america diminished and weakened. Iran is marching toward a nuclear weapon. Al qaeda is resurgent, establishing new safe havens across the middle east, including in iraq, where president obama withdrew all American Forces with no staybehind agreement. Jon my point is, if you send federal revenuers up here, we will defend our land. [laughter] isnt that right, silent joe . [laughter] you know what, heres whats upsetting about this guy. Bleep guy acts like we were 20 seconds away from total victory in iraq when obama just gives it away at midfield and then Osama Bin Laden crosses it and isis heads it home. God, how did we blow that game . [cheering and applause] by the way, mr. Cheney there, who was it that negotiated withdrawal of American Forces with no staybehind agreement and, in fact, bragged about it in 2009. Weve now entered into a strategic Framework Agreement with the iraqis that calls for ultimately the u. S. Completion of the assignment and withdrawal of our forces with iraq, all of those things i think by anybodys standard would be excuse me. Evidence of significant success. Jon significant success unless some other guy. [clearing throat] unless some other guy comes in, abides by the agreement that bush and i [clearing throat] negotiated. If someone did that it would be tantamount to america rolling over on its back, showing its belly and then are you urinatinn itself. [clearing throat] is america finally tired of dick cheneys disingenuous blame game. Time and time again history as proven that you got it wrong. You said there was no doubt Saddam Hussein had weapons and we would be greeted as liberators. With almost 4,500 american lives lost, there what do you say to those who say you were so wrong about sow much at the expense of so many . [laughter] [crying] no, i guess. Pretty good. I guess now dick cheney knows what it feels like when he someone he thought was a friend shoots you in the face. [cheering and applause] for more we turn to our senior dick cheney correspondent michael che. Michael che, what is the latest in jon, this weekend i met with cheney to talk with him about his role in the iraq war, the past decade of u. S. Foreign policy. And as i sat across from him, bracing for another round of blame shifting. Cheney paused. It was as if a decade of tension lifted from his face, leaving only sorrow. Jon sorrow . What . The dam was breaking, jon. He looked at me not as a politician but as one man to another and said, michael, im sorry. Im sorry for all the pain that ive caused. Jon dick cheney said that . Yep. And as he nervously fiddled with a button on his able pajamas, he went on to say, plan that release on unlimited troops and money to stabilize countries we have invaded until those countries develop selfsustaining pro weapons democracy is really, really stupid. Jon he said stupid . Im stupid. Jon he said he was stupid. End quote. Jon so not only is dick cheney so distraught that hes wearing pajamas in the daytime, but he is accepting responsibility for his situation in iraq and everything that weve gotten into. Look, all i know is that as rainwater dripped down the window, dick cheney put his hand against the pane as he whispered, what have i done . [laughter] what have i done . Jon [bleeped]. Michael, what did you say . I asked him what he did. And he said, i ignored the regions delicate internal politics and hid behind empty promises that wed be greeted as liberators. Jon unbelievable. And then cheneys emotions became too much for mere words. Jon really . He began to sing softly in a mellen collie tone. Jon what . My country is pissed at me i lied about wmd its a little clunk year, but he was spitting it off the top. You got give him credit. Jon thats incredible. Michael, can he sing . Like a [bleeped] angel. Jon tell me you got this on tape. I got see it. I got it on tape. What, get the [bleeped] out of here. This is going to make Great Television when i report all the words youre telling me right now. [laughter] [cheering and applause] jon so its on you the whole time. I know you just started working here and everything, but the camera was on you the whole time, is that what that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you direct one movie and now you supposed to be spielberg . Jon listen, if these are cheneys true feelings, why is he all over the news blaming obama . Cause hes an asshole, john, tragic asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. Thank you, michael. Michael che, everybody. They say its whats on the inside that matters. Guess the mcmuffin doesnt think hashbrowns matter. Its ok, hashbrowns. We still love you. The new am crunchwrap from taco bell. Eggs, bacon, cheese, plus a very meaningful hash brown inside. Wrapped and grilled to go. [bong] wrapped and grilled to go. Its like jacob here. Strong. Sturdy. [ shouts ] but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Come on, jacob built to refresh. Throw it to me smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Ohhh now tmobile is setting music free. Stream all the music you want. Data charges do not apply, on the data strong network. Mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaa what . get some while you still can. Here this summer. Gone this summer. You fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance. Uld save Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know words really can hurt you . What. . Jesse dont go jesse. No im sorry daisy, but im a loner. And a loner gotta be alone. Heee yawww geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Jesse . Mwould not slow down. When they told him he had reached the limit. He just had one thought faster. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . [cheering and applause] jon welcome back. You know, let me explain this very quickly. Iraq is not our only pal in the middle east. There we got our old friend there egypt. Yeah. How they doing these days . Three journalists from aljazeera have been sentenced to seven years in an egyptian prison. Found guilty on charges including helping a terrorist organization by publishing lies. Jon yes. Thank you, general abdel alsisi. Im sorry, president sisi, finally bringing the hammer down on terror journalists. [laughter] im sure they received a fair trial in the generals court. [peoples court theme music playing] nothing says innocent until Proven Guilty by keeping the defendants in cage and having the judge wear sunglasses so you cant see its eyes. Justice isnt blind, but it has Macular Degeneration in the family. Lets get to the trial itself. All three of these men, bader mohamed, mohamed fahmy, a canadian egyptian, and peter greste, abaustralian, are respected International Journalists some prosecutors must have brought case tighter than king akhenatans sarcophagus. This sarcophagus is famous for its tightness. So what is the terror evidence . The only evidence, if you want to call it that, that the prosecution has presented has been old video clips, video clips of news conferences, news reports, sometimes news reports from outside of egypt. I want to give you a sense of what the evidence they presented was. One of them was footage of a trotting horse that was aired by sky news arabia [laughter] jon was it any horse or was it legendary horse terrorist abu who testified theyre in my neighborhood. Theyre guildy. I submit it was of course, of course, of course. Egypts prosecution couldnt even pretend it wasnt a sham. Their case is based on some random video clip they probably found on the web. We got the jail these terrorists and heres a horse and a dog and ba rena suit. Well throw in a baby dancing. And the prosecution rests. Come on egypter, egypt, your evidence has to be more compelling. The prosecution claimed they had more video evidence, but they also claimed they didnt have the proper equipment to show it. [laughter] jon we have more evidence, but its on bluray. Now we could wait for the guy to show up with the hdmi cable, or i could just put you in jail for seven years. You dont have a genius bar, geek squad, sheikh squad . That would work. Thats the thing. Even more than the corruption of this trial, what bothers me is the laziness. At least have the decency to forge some evidence. Its not that hard. Look. Oh, my god. Its the reports have an underwater terrorist conference with bin laden and dr. Doom. That would be more convincing than the evidence the Egyptian Court just convicted these men on. By the way, dont think when the people finally rise up against allsisi, they wont follow the same strict evidence. Hes a dictator. I dont know why you need i dont know why you need thundershowers tel yo, untamed larger than life, i dont know why you need thundershowers tel move fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Touch down. Every morning. Ten times not just. Now and then. Once more on the rise. Nuts to the flabby guys go, you chicken fat, go away go, you chicken fat, go run, two, run running like a tortoise okay too far, and too slow. now double up, ready run two three four. running run two three four. like a hare run two three four. Ow you are run two three four. Etting there n two three four. O you are run two three four. N two three four. chicken fat, n twerybody sing . O away re , you chicken fat, go go go go dismissed [cheering and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight, the host of hbos real time with bill maher. Please welcome back to the program bill maher. [cheering and applause] thank you. Jon sir, how are you . Im good. I was hoping youd do a little more cheney coughing for me, though. I love that impression. You nailed that, by the way. Jon he has phlegm. Nobody does cheney phlegm like cheney. Do a little more. [jon clearing his throat] i love it. I love it. Oh, i tell you. Jon hes trying to get the intelligence out of. Thats pretty good. Fred travelina does a good one a few years ago. Jon hes doing an impression of cheney coughing. Im doing cheney coughing. Thats right. Thats so true. Jon did you ever imagine that we would be sitting here, i dont know, 11 years after invading iraq . You were able to use the mess o potamia thing again. That really amortized over time, because you got to put it up again and use it. Very cost effective. Jon we had to do graphics back then by hand. This was years ago. We would draw each cell. We had some. Send them out the italy and japan. Jon thats exactly right. We would do an origami mock up of it first. And then we would send it out. When i started in tv we used puppets. [laughter] jon what . You were with sid and marty cross all those years ago . Yes, yes, thats right. Jon you remember those shows. Im not the only one. I do. Vividly. Jon boy, talk about legalizing pot. [laughter] i do, quite often, and it seems to have worked. It has worked. Jon let me ask you a question can you point to that . Are there things that you have advocated over the years that you feel like, you know what, that has had some effect . We have had some issue in the conversation . Absolutely. People used to ask me, would you ever run for office. Thats such a silly question. I could never. And if i did, my slogan would be drugs are good and religion is bad. [cheering and applause] you cant probably run for office on that in this country, but i feel like the needle has moved on both those. I think people have come over to my way of thinking. Drugs are good and religion is bad. Im going to stick with with that. Jon i dont know about the religion thing. Do you think this country has moved. I still feel like this for a western country is probably the most religious. Oh, by far. Oh, of course. Yes, were, as is often the case in social issues, a step behind other countries. Hillary clinton just said her Favorite Book was the bible. Jon wasnt, that i thought was so. You couldnt find something more violent like game of thrones . Thats so a beat behind. Thats certainly not where the millennials are. Who are the millennials here . [applause] theyre not religious. Jon that was merely an indication that shes running for president. I dont think in any reality that is her Favorite Book. Oh, of course no. No. Well, you know what, i dont know about that. You know who is a liar about this is obama. Obamas always spouting spiritual bull [bleeped], and i dont believe it for a second. Hes a dropdead atheist, absolutely. Jon no. How many years did he spend in reverend wrights church. He spent a long time in chicago. He never went. He joined because it was politically necessary. Jon he didnt go . Absolutely no. Jon not to the picnics . No, nothing. He joined because he wanted to move ahead in that political world, and, of course, you had to be part of the church. Jon dont they . Airks this country, if you want to be president , you can be gay, a woman, jewish, you can be an atheist you cant be an atheist. I find that so bizarre. So bizarre and so wrong because it is the single biggest minority in this country. Jon atheists . Absolutely. Jon dont be nervous. You are part owner of the new york metropolitans. They are my favorite team. I am as old as they are. When you go to the meeting. Minority owner. Jon youre not a minority. Do they consider jews a minority over there . Youre not a minority. So when you go over there. Never in new york. Jon can i give you. I have a jar of tears that i have been saving. [laughter] could you mix with it dick cheneys phlegm . Jon yes it will be done. Have you been to an ownership meeting yet . Ive never been to a meeting. Ive been to the stadium a few times since that happened, but this is my first meeting tomorrow. They played awesome this week. I always bring them luck when i come to new york. They beat the marlins 3 out of 4, so thats 3 out of 4. Laughter but theyre starting to hit. Theyre starting to hit. Im telling you. Weirder things have happened. Remember the 69 mets . Jon the 69 mets were great, but i remember in 73 they were like 14 games behind. It was august. And then tug mcgraw did the whole, you got to believe, and they charged back. Werent they way back in 69, too . I dont believe so. They were behind the cubs, but i think they won 100 games that year. They were a very good team. In 73 they were terrible, but the rest of the division was terrible. Well, theyre comefrombehind team. Make your own gay joke now. Jon well, im excited for you. I always go to the last met game of the year. Come with me some time. Jon i like to go to the last game, because then me and my son have the run of the place. [laughter] its just the two of us, literally. If you ever want go to a shake shack with no line, last game of the year, citi field. I dont, but thank you. [laughter] jon real time with bill maher is friday nights at 10 00 on hbo. Bill maher. Great flavors and great value come together at subway, in our sixinch select, the spicy italian, loaded with genoa salami and spicy pepperoni. Try it fresh toasted on italian herb cheese bread for that perfect flavor blend. The 3 sixinch select of july. Subway. Eat fresh. [ male announcer ] when youre ready to turn up your night. Turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. Brewed with topshelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. Turn up your night, and make it platinum. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaa what . get some while you still can. Here this summer. Gone this summer. Finally, the purple pill, the 1 prescribed acid blocking brand. Comes without a prescription for frequent heartburn. Get complete protection. Nexium level protection. Jon thats our show. Here it is, your moment of zen. Game of thrones is the most pirated show of 2013. People watch it, right . I dont get it. Nicole do, you watch this . I dont. I dont. I dont like dragons. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh ac