Well, actually. Now, i know our federal highways are the vital circulatory system of our nations commerce, but what exactly happens if it loses its trust fund . The Highway Trust Fund runs dry next month. Upkeep and repairs needed for an aging highway system. 65 of roads are in lessthangood condition. 25 of bridges need significant repair. This bridge collapse in Washington State is a cautionary tale. Jon hmm. [laughter] well, what if instead of funding our highway system, we just dont travel to Washington State . [laughter] if we dont pass this transportation bill now, a lot of very bad things happen very soon. Jon did you just bleep threaten me . Is that what you did . You know what our highway system gives me . Enthusiasms. [laughter] weve been down this. Uh, uh, uh. Thats not. [cheering and applause] all right. Ill give you that. Take your time. Look, this whole crumbling infrastructure thing, we have been down this, um, what do they call those, its like a flat thing . You drive on them . Theres one that has yellow bricks. Where were going we dont need them. One of them goes to wellville. Anyway, congress is presented with a pressing problem that requires some money. Who knows how this goes, a year and a half and two government shutdowns later the problem is still there and a couple 80yearolds are caught trying to break into the world war ii memorial. Lawmakers in the house voted overwhelmingly to extend highway funding with nearly 11 million. That keeps transportation funding going through may of next year. Putting off the larger issue so it can be fought over yet again. [cheering and[bleeped] [laughter] jon so they threw a little money it a, just a little bit, and then just kicked the can down the oh, what is that thing you kick the can down . Its paved with good intentions . I went to perdition on it. No. Boy, no, no, no, i have, honestly, like we wrote 100 of these. I feel like at this point i cant even put you through it anymore. I mean to remember this word youd have to be some kind of, oh, what kind of scholar is that . [cheering and applause] i feel dirty. [laughter] so why did the Highway Trust Fund run out of money anyway . How do we normally fund this thing . The Highway Trust Fund gets revenue from an 18. 4 cent gallon gas tax set back in 1993. But 21 years later, the tax has stayed flat. 1993. For gods sake, back then gas was 1. 07 and a car was 11,000 and getting blown in the back of one was considered the height of sophistication. [laughter] so wait. This is easy then to fund the highways, all you got to do is raise the gas tax [alarm sounds] shut that off im just sphairk we tracked it with inflation it would be up to 30 cents a gallon now, so just by raising the gas tax [alarm sounds] oh, son of a bitch. Not going to happen, it is . Were not going to get to a longterm highway bill here over the next couple months. This is so stupid. We pay for our highways with the gas tax since the start of the interstate system. President obama, tell the republicans to suck it up and get that gas tax back up to where its meant to be. President obamas plan also makes no mention of the gas tax. Jon son of a. And you call yourself a taxandspend liberal. How you going to pay for this . We pay for this transportation project in part by closing tax loopholes for companies that ship jobs overseas and avoid paying their fair share of taxes. Jon interesting. Certainly to one woman in the audience. [laughter] who seemingly forgot that she was no longer in her living room and thought, why not just shout at the tv while im at it. [laughter] amazingly, if we want to get to point a in solving trust fund with crumbling bridges to point b, solvent trust fund with fixed bridge, we can take a direct route, raise the gas tax with the rate of inflation, or make a slight detour through offshore loophole boulevard. These are two reasonable and efficacious ways to fix our crumbling infrastructure. So how did we actually raise the 11 billion stopgap measure, mar economical fix that doesnt come with all the features like power windows or fixed brings . To raise that money the plan would use an approach called pension smoothing, which allows employers to delay contributions to pensions plans. That generates more tax dollars since pension payments are tax deductible. Jon pension smoothing. Ive never heard [bleeped] called smoothing before. So instead of going directly from point a to point b, which is how we should have done it, instead of going directly from point a to point b or taking a minor route, heres what were doing, pension smoothing. Basically companies are allowed to reduce their pension obligations to their employees, thus giving them a higher profit margin on which they pay more tax. For this year, to the tune of 11 billion. Of course, if theyre to make good on those pension obligation, they will get to claim much higher tax breaks in the future, and the government will lose that money. Once again living up to the motto, over the capitol buildings door larktsen phrase meaning, [bleeped] it. Well probably all be dead in ten years anyway. You know, its crazy how the wealthiest most powerful country in the world seem folks pend its energy to get absolutely nowhere. If only this highway funding situation provided maybe a visual representation of how we operate. Its so exciting. I havent been on the road in a long time. Mr. Obama seemed tone joy his moment of virtual freedom. The president drove even fit was oonly in a simulator. He cruised down a virtual highway. Jon yep. It feels like were getting somewhere, but we aint. Well be right back. [cheering and applause] vo you know that dream. Where youre the hero . Hey. You guys mind warming this fella up for me . Im gonna go back down, i saw some recyclables. Make it happen with verizon xlte. Find a car service. Weve doubled our 4g lte bandwidth in cities coast to coast. Thanks sure. Weve got a spike in temperature. So save the day. Dont worry, i got this. Oh yeah, i see your spaceships broken. With xlte on largest, most reliable network. Get 50 off all new smartphones like the lg g3. Wandering out into this great unknown. And when its done, believe that i will yell it from that mountain high. Find summer. The chevy summer drive. Get 0 financing for 72 months plus a total value of 4,000 on this 2014 silverado allstar edition and no Monthly Payments until the end of summer. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Its breakfast. Nd crackles and comes from a kitchen, have breakfast for breakfast. The freshmade, from our kitchen. The egg mcmuffin. Only from mcdonalds. Stuart Stuart Stuart stuart check it out. This my account thing. We can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. Or we can select a time for them to call us back. The future, right . This doesnt do it for you . [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, thats what blows your mind the advanced technology of a doorbell. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. Introducing the xfinity my account app. [cheering and applause] jon welcome back. You know, far long time now, we found out our intelligence agencies have spied on us, tapping our phones, stretching our email, watching us while we bathe. Yes, while we bathe well, guess what, its payback time. Were learning about trouble at the Central Intelligence agency. Thanks not freedom of information, a we now have access to all kinds of information that otherwise we probably never would have seen the light of day. [laughter] jon thats what im talking about. The spiers have become the spyees. C. I. A. , this is going to be juicy. What are we going to hear about, espionage, poisoning the russians . What do we got . The web site muckrock filed an official government request to see the c. I. A. Staffers comments about the lunchroom in langley, virginia. [laughter] jon [bleeped]. Yes, apparently cafeteria complaints are what we found out. Apparently when our intelligence professionals arent sending drones after terrorist, theyre sending bitchy emails about their lunch. The emails with everything from preferring individual ketchup pacts to pump bottles to inadequate almond portions and diet pepsi coming out of the regular pepsi side. Fascinating. Apparently at the c. I. A. , even the sodas go undercover as other sodas. Now, were very fortunate tonight. We have a c. I. A. Employee who is ready to leak more information to us about this scandal. Obviously anything regarding this c. I. A. Highly sensitive. We have taken great pains to conceal his or her identity. Thank you so much for joining us tonight, sir or maam. Uhhuh. [laughter] jon if you dont mind, could you read us some more of these actual complaint emails from the c. I. A. Okay. Well, if you must know, i was very aggravated at buying a Subway Sandwich and going back to my desk to eat to find the bread stale and crunchy hard. I had to eat the inside and throw the bread out. Jon im sorry. Obviously we appreciate you taking this risk, sir. Are you sure were doing enough to conceal your identity, because this is. What . My face is hidden. Silhouette. I could be anybody. Where was i . Now, why doesnt the burger king facility here offer the same dollar menu as the outside facility . Why cant there be nicer food handlers . What is the deal with that . [laughter] jon not to harp on this point. I am concerned, sir. Your voice is somewhat distinctive, and that last part that you just said sounded a bit like a catchphrase. I dont even think it was in the email. Distinctive, no, normal voice. You cant identify someone just by their voice. Why do you think when you call someone, you say hi, its so and so. Otherwise theyd have no idea who they were talking to. The worst is when someone calls and say, hey, its me. Whos me . I dont know anymore named me. Youre someone else. Jon this all sounds very much like not now giddyup. Jon sir, your cover is. I think we may have slightly compromised your cover, sir. What coverful . Im covered. Cover yourself. The jazz salad was supposed to be a sonoma grape and pro shoe to, so i stand in line and theres no grapes. No grapes in the salad. Jon i dont know what a jazz salad is. Its like a regular salad but jazzier. How much clearer could that be . Jon i think youre in a lot of danger right now. Ill tell you who is in danger, these people eating nothing but burger king, subway and salads filled with jazz. I mean, who are. Jon these people . Yes. Who are these people . Theyre looking for softer subway bread. They should be looking for a treadmill. Their thighs. If inconspicuous is what youre going for, maybe wheezing is not the best tactic. We appreciate you coming by, sir. We know you put yourself in tremendous danger to do this. Its the type of thing that. Did i stay behind the thing . [cheering and applause] jon i dont think it matters anymore. Just go. Ill bring you out during the guest segment. Its fine. Well be right back. Its fine. Just go. Im living the life of dreams. Im living the life of dreams, with good people all around me. Im living the life of dreams. No im living the life of dreams. Im feeling hopefully. Feeling quite hopefully, its right up here, turn right, turn right. With good people all around me. Right, right, right, right, right with good people all around me. Ok look you guys, shes up here somewhere. With good people all around me. There she is ra come here girl m feeling hopefully. Ok look you guys, shes up here somewhere. D the light shines bright all with rough the night. Around me. Oh i dont know it. And the light shines bright all through the night. Yes, you do. And the light shines bright all rough the night. Oh i d42. T know it. D the light shines bright allll rough the night. T. Good job. U do. D the light shines bright allll rough the night. Oh i d42. T know it. D the light shines bright allll rough the night. T. Good job. U do. Dd our dreams are making usllll rougce stories. Oh i d42. T know it. Dd my loves are well sleepingll rougst right. Ht. T. And i know know know know now. That were, living the life of dreams. Dreams. Theres no monsters down here, [music fades out] dreams. Dreams. Dreams. Its just mr. Elephant. Come on, lets get to bed. The bites are back. And were making them just as cheesy and popable as ever. Thats right. Pizza huts cheese bites pizza is back try one now for 11. 99 or get any other pizza for just 11 online. Pizza hut [cheering and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight has a very distinctive style. His guest series is called comedians in cars getting coffee. So i used to put 50pound bags of lime in the back. When i went to my prom, i had to take the girl in my grandma, so i had a cast, mr. Jinx had to go to the vet on my prom night. Just a setup here. If you just stop there, i love this setup so much. Cats, gremlin, prom night, lime bags. You got four barrels of comedy. I think you know where this is going. I dont care. Im already satisfied. Jon please welcome back to the program jerry seinfeld. [cheering and applause] please. I never saw that. The animation. The animation. I had to animate the story. Jon i loved it. Did you know that i did that . Did i tell you that you did that . Jon . No, no, no. So jon tells this hilarious story about his prom night that was so complicated and bizarre with various stenches and urine and bleeding. Jon not mine. Mostly not mine. Mostly not yours. Sometimes when someone tells a really crazy story, we turn it into a cartoon. Jon i like it very much. My favorite part often a nation looks like my head with acne. Thats prom night. Jon thats an accurate representation of my head. This show, i cannot tell you how excited i was when you asked me to do this, because now it has become one of those shows, like winning an award, like when you call and go, do you want to be on comedians in cars getting coffee . Im like, yes ive made it. Its that kind of thing for comedians. Thats great. Jon yawn you dont know . I dont know. When you do the thing, you dont know whats going on out there. Jon this is not an evening at the improv. This is a very select club that youre allowing people into. I was very excited. It is a very personal. Its like people that i dig for whatever reason or another. And heres whats great about it, youd be doing this anyway. Anyway. Yeah. I still have to eat. Jon right. And get a cup of coffee. But i figured out a way to make it a show. Jon and you often get breakfast with other comics. You often get coffee with other comics. This is, what, season four . Four. Theyre only sixepisode seasons. Jon scwowr really putting in the time. Yeah, yes, yes. Jon youre doing six episodes of something youd be doing anyway. Yeah, right. So im having breakfast at least six times a year. Jon with comedians. Yes. Jon do you think when the production schedulek becomes too taxing the show becomes comedians in cabs bringing jerry coffee . Yes. That could be. Jon it changes. Yes. Jerry puts his feet up. Jon we went out to new jersey to this diner. The ticktock. Jon the ticktock, which turned out and i didnt know, because you dont tell people where theyre going. If show is about trust. Yes. Jon you pull up and say, get in my car, and we just go. Right. So jon is the Season Finale of season four, those of you that actually watch the show. And it was great episode. Not only did we talk about death and cancer, but we found a way to work in hitler and concentration camps. We did. Jon what are you going to do. And cremation. I talked how i wanted to be cremated and ashed poured on a beach. And you said, dont you they would disturb the people on the beach. And i said. You said, what are you people doing . Well, were spreading jerry seinfeld. I thought people would go, oh, i love that show. I love that show. Let me see the ashes. It turns out the diner we went to is the diner after my grandfathers funeral because if you take me to new jersey almost anywhere, chances are one of my relatives is buried nearby. And so we went to this diner, and then to the pet store. Then to the pet store. Theres another thing i have to plug on the show. Jon please. We came up with a new. So we do these six episodes. Then the show goes away for four months. Jon you have to rest. We have to rest. Jon you get out your inhaler. Im tired. A little piece of toast, and stirring the coffee. Jon its terrible. So we made up a new show thats going to exist between the seasons called single shot, like a little espresso. Jon nice. So every thursday now at noon, there will be a twominute episode with five or six comedians talking about the same thing that we made from stuff we already have in the vault. Jon oh, my god, are you so bleep lazy. Let me tell you something, im our here night after night, night after night, seinfeld. Youre taking. You dont even do it. You have an editor. I have already been the guy who pisses you off the most because the way i figured out tv, that you do it once and then you get to stop. So now ive done it again. Ive done it again. Its so brilliant. I always say to him, you did the perfect show for the perfect amount of time, and it lives only i still watch your show ever night. When i leave here, thats it. Nobody cares. I leave here, my ashes are spread. Brilliant stuff. Well, as always, always so nice to see you. One of my favorites, young man. Comedians in cars getting coffee and comedians in cars getting coffee dot com. Jerry seinfeld. Efficiency performance Safety Integrated technology these are things you can learn. And then there are the things. engine starting youre just born with car engine now well qualified leases can lease a well equipped dart sxt for 149 per month or get 2,000 cash allowance. Now tmobile is setting music free. Stream all the music you want. Data charges do not apply, on the data strong network. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Stuart Stuart Stuart stuart check it out. This my account thing. We can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. Or we can select a time for them to call us back. The future, right . This doesnt do it for you . [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, thats what blows your mind the advanced technology of a doorbell. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. Introducing the xfinity my account app. Thats our show. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it, is your moment of zen. In terms of grumpy cat, Everybody Knows grumpy cat. What is grumpy cats personality . We know grumpy cats face, but whats the personality of gulf war syndromey cat . Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org chappelles show, chappelles show chappelles show chappelles show chappelles show ow whoohoohoo whoohoo yeah, yeah. [. ] lets start the show. [. ] [. ] man youve just met that special someone, and youre letting your desire for each other but these days, you can never be too sure they arent going to dispute wheth