Program,ehkcleese,i owz ladies. [applause] very excited to have him on. But first, i didnt get a chance to watch the midterm elections last night. [laughter] so i dont, you know, how did it go . A huge night for the gop. Jon lookingthe term shella [laughter] byte way, that is the new congressional seal. [laughter] feel free to print it out. Put it on your backpack to show people your grade school, youre interested in politics. [laughter] i cannot tell you how much better that looks than the version of the elephant [bleep] really the[looked a little too ] anyway. Senate, governors, you name it, republicans won it. Expwrierks it was a neck and neck battle but it turned out an easy win for the gop. Thom tillis the senator. He won the mansions in blue states like maryland. Republicans won six of them. Jon duma and chinas people iex ÷ now its the republican. The Blue Man Group now the Red Man Group having lost of two. Children will learn valuable lessons from red. The only territory democrats retained is that painful sexual frustration will still be known as blue balls. Unfortunately its the only area democrats. We dont have a graphic of blue balls, huh . [laughter] nothing . i elephants [bleep] came up with blue balls. No, no. You got to be a photo of a kid somewhere going. [laughter] and yes, fox news was afire celebrating with they had fireworks. They had a hoe down. They had grins capable of eating massive amounts of [bleep] the to know me. Pepper has no clothes. We posted this to facebook and your comments are rolling in. Jon and then were going to play farmville. On the other network, the only suspense was whether or not john king as he was working his magic wall would yes, im going to call it at 9 21 Eastern Standard Time john king has gone full [bleep] doodle. And by the way, internet, dont bother making ann mitteddphcz gt of that intermet because weve already been there. V[laughter] were 12 years old. But the republicans have the senate and governorships and everything else. I imagine the first order of business is forward hoe. Youll see an end to grid lock. I know the value of bipartisanship i know how to work together. Working together could actually have results. Lets see if we could put toga greaments. Just because we have a two party system doesnt mean we have to be in perpetual conflict. Jon who [bleep] are you people. Wow i got to tell you. [applause] that sounds like it would have been better not coming from a guy for six years being the old owner and operator of thiscountl conflictionators. We turn to senior political analyst jordan. Thanks a lot. This new ungrid lock gop. Can the gop follow through on their pledge to get something done for america. Can they . Last night at approximately 11 27 eastern time, the republican gained control of the u. S. Senate and results were almost immediate. The economy now going at a robust 3. 5 . Gas this morning, under 3 buck. A gallon. Look, stockdq market at record level. Deficits cut in half. 10 minute more americans have Health Insurance and subemployment subsix percent for the First Time Since we elected chairman obama. Jon hang on a second jordan because the things jon think about this on the verge of destroying the country under obamas feckless leadership has become a problem for like one guy. [laughter] its morning in america jon. Jon thats an incredibly impressive list you ticked awe of thing that happened under obama and the democratic senate. Oh please. If the democrats had accomplished all of that they would have been out there bragging about it for months. Who would have been the central message of there campaign instead of their actual message which is like im quoting this here. Were sorry, dont be mad. [laughter] we dont like obama either, we like guns too. Amen. Jon jordan, everything youre describing is exactly how things were before last night. No, no,eustanding. Its like suddenly this country, its like people are filled with like in anticipation, an optimistic expectation. Its like a sense of hope. Its hope. But more than that its as though. [laughter] things are going to be, its not like theyre the same as they once were. Theyre going to be different. Theyre going jon its going to change. Hope and change. Yes, yes. Jon you feel it too, john. Hope and change. Thats the republican message. The republicans cannot claim that as their message. Jon yes they can, yes they can. The American People, they can. The American People are grateful. Theyve already set aside the last thursday in november as aje republicans thanks for all these blessings. Thats not the republicans thats thanksgiving. You cant cut that. Its been around for 150 years. Disagree. Respectfully disagree. Things are better now but we still have problems. Immigration crises. Income inequity. You know, right. You know, right. [bleep] obama. When you obsess over elevate form, evolve function, and reinvent a category, you attract a lot of attention. Chevrolet. The most awarded car company of the year. Find new roads. This veterans day, dennys would like to say thank you to all American Veterans with a free build your own grand slam breakfast. Dennys. Welcome to americas diner. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Everybody knows that. Well, did you know genies can be really literal . No. What is your wish . No. Ok. A million bucks oh no. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more car insurance. [cheers and applause] jon as we were saying before the break, democrats got their asses handed to them last night. I[bleep] jon even worse, that is trademark by the way. Even worse for the democrats, the demographic break down of them. Iowa elected the first statewide woman a republican. West virginia had its first female senator. We had two openly gay candidates running as republicans for congress. Tim of South Carolina is the first black senator elected from the south since reconstruction. In utah, mia love becomes the first African American woman republican to serve in the house. [laughter] jon an African American woman utah republican. Those words are sotry typing it. It auto corrects that to aphrodite can watch you reba mcentire. It wont even do it. If you try to type that in siri just jumps in without being prompted saying i think youre looking for a hospital because it sounds like youre hallucinating. Not only did republicans have diversity they had you. Tom cotton beating incumbent mark pryor. Hes the youngest senator at the age of 27. New york elise wasev the youngest woman coming to congress. The leadership is going to look old and stale in comparison where the republicans are. Jon oh please, old and stale. Theyre not, oh my god. [laughter] someone put the bandages back on those mummies. Harry reid9 tatoos stat. [laughter] listen, thats not a mockup, thats harry reid. And his band. [laughter] because republicans were running in all ages and colors and democrats just could not keep up. The Lieutenant Governor of illinois is a latina. Shetdemocrat who was just anothr white guy. And by the way, that was definitely her opponents mistake to make that his campaign slogan. [laughter] for more,o hutsenior,e b demoa williams. Jessica. [cheers and applause] this is you been believable. Absolutely. Jon jessica you would agree, last night there were at least seven senate seats with some pretty diverse candidates. Jon republicans didnt just take democrats seats they stole their essence. The gop went from a Brooks Brothers catalog to united colors of benetton ad. Its not fair. I mean how would republicans feel if democrats started denying Climate Change or decided that life begins at jon i understand. They would be angry, they would be confused. They would maybe be hurt. Exactly. But sorry demuyjust elected a y. Conservative arkansas passed a minimum wage increase. What the [bleep] kind of world is this. I mean pretty soon the republicans are going to be rocking those msnbc nerd goggles. They are single white feels in the democrats. Jon what did they do when this happens. The Democratic Party has always been about the identityva of the under represented. If republicans take that, what do the democrats have left . They need to dig deeper. Get the minorities within the minorities. Whole food sharps, your korean lesbian florist but do you know what maybe politics isnt the thing anymore. Why not become arctic like it lets you stay in a Washington Home since they lost their job. Jon boom its right. The truth hurts. Im glad you delivered that and dropped what appeared to be a mic from your hand. Always. Jon boom. Let me say this. Maybe democrats need more2like t the blood pumping. Oh yeah i would do it but im a republican now. Jon hey what . Wait a minute. You support republican policy now. Well no, but i do support me winning anqfirst black woman, me story. Jon its over. The republicans are the party of minorities now. Do you know what, no. Its like when theres like this account guy at your office who though you know you have nothing in common but then like one night you see him at an exclusive party at the moma and theres some cute girl with pink hair and youre like hey do you know what, maybe i could date this guy do you know what i mean. And then you like talk to him again on monday and youre like oh no i was right this guy [bleep] [laughter] its like that. [laughter] do you know what i mean . [applause] jon so the 2016 democrats have a better shot at dating. Yeah. I mean, no. Well maybe. I dont know jon im 45 this is complicated. Jon thank you. Jessica williams everybody. Jessica williams everybody. Well be right back. So heres the story the year is 1890. Milton hershey has a killer recipe for caramel. Flash forward miltons recipe is reimagined into buttery rich, smooth, surprisingly soft cremes. Its lancaster. Its caramel reimagined. [ highpitched ] nailed it [ normal voice ] youre right, that was really easy. I know, i told you so. On progressive. Com, you can compare our progressive direct rates with our competitors rates, so shopping is easy. You dont sound like flo. [highpitched] yeah, i do. [ clears throat ] who you talking to . [ normal voice ] what . Whats on your hand . Noth my wedding ring. [chuckles] symbol of our love and understanding. Comparing rates for you. Now thats progressive. [ highpitched ] nailed it hi, whats your name . Jennie oh, we dont have a reservation. Amy ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, whom are you wearing . Jennie our coats . Old navy. Amy that coats awesome. Jennie thank you. Amy gimme that coat. Jeff no. Amy let her talk wait, you said you didnt have a reservation . Now you do. Give me the coat. Jennie you know, you can just go to old navy. All outerwear is on sale. Amy no way haha. No, ok. Jeff the entire store is up to 50 off right now. Amy 50 off . Jeff right now. Amy now now . Jeff now now amy oh my god lets go follow me. This has gps. Wait a minute. Cheeeese ha ha ha. Welcome back, my guest tonight. He is the man. A comedy legend is called. So anyway. Welcome to the program john cleese. Were honored. I cant tell you how excited and honored we are to have you on the program tonight. I can understand that. Jon i spent many a day memorizing john cleese routines. You have my utmost respect. You know that. Im a huge fan shall we go back to the book here. I think they could have taken more time with the picture. They cut off. I dont know if you can see this but your chin is not even in the shot. What. Jon i dont know if thats a photo editors thing. Are they all like this . [laughter] this is terrible. Lets get rid of it. Jon yes. Oh, this is classy. Look at that. Thats nice. I like that. Heres how you know youre an impressive individual. Heres how you know youre impressive. Oyou take that off yt shirt. This book is your precareer, all the thing you did up to that point. But growing up was it enjoyable to go back and visit those sort of early days when expectationn you didnt know what was going to happen . Was it a charming ride for it. It is a great experience. The reason i did it, Michael Caine, i had lunch with him and , a long time ago and had just written an autobiography. And i said why did you enjoy it so much. He said you reclaim your life. Ds really nice is when you get old you know nothing matters really. [laughter] its wonderful. Jon im in that middle age area. S÷7 what are you, 60. Jon im 35. Really. Jon a lotqtobacco. Its actually ive had a couple list ive got just adgin the ba. By the way, ifop you think that im not going to get a gif of me making you laugh and put that up on my wall and run it 24 hours a day. Yeah. You see it back there. Its where the bald spot goes. But it is. Its that stage where i dont feel like i can reclaim youth but i havent gotten to that sense of that freedom of letting it all together. I know. Jon you still carry around the burden. You still care. Jon yes. How do i lose that . You get very very old. [laughter] and then you try to remember what you used to care about and you have a wonderful time. I had the most wonderful wife. Ive forgotten her name. [laughter] how many of them do i have . I call her fish anyway because she swims like a fish. We have three fantastic pets, two american. Maincoon. Its a great cat. If i was going to have one english wife should i have two american cats. I only had american wives. I wanted to try something different. Jon i think thats wise. V im having a wonderful life. I just dont give a [bleep] i dont give a [bleep] and i used to, i used to give [bleep] i remember quite seriously when i was first married i watched the American Election results and nixon was elected and i actually cried. I cared that much at that point. And now mitch. Jon mcconnell. Mcconnell, terrific. Wow i wish we had one of those in england. Jon would you like ours . [applause] hes a wonderful wonderful. You do a very good mitch mcconnell. Is there a particular politician in england or america that you enjoy mimicing thatu0 you enjoy taking no. Theyre alls you have no pap. No. I mean if somebody said would you like to have dinner with david cameron, i would say no. I do not want to have, i would like to play with my cats. [laughter] jon i love that. On that note i think everyone in the audience when you first came out and said i was having a meal with Michael Caine. I think everyone here went, could we go to that. [laughter] 8 gr jon next time if youre having lunch or dinner with Michael Caine if we could all come. We wont say anything we wont order anything. We will stand there and occasionally gasp. Well there is an idea among the piesons that we should reunite and have dinner on the stage. Just have dinner. [crowd cheering] and then i will, let me say this. 16,000 people, they wouldnt be able to get what we were saying but he think jon but they would watch you chewing. Let me bus that dinner. Let me clear those dishes and clean them honestly. I would do that only for you guys. Its how i started. Anyway its on the bookshelf now. 0his is a pleasurable moment for me. K n john cleese, ladies and john cleese, ladies and gentlemen. We love. Love. Love. Chocolaty, creamy. With a Little Something extra. Mmm deliciousness. Cookies or almonds. Yumminess. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. I thought itd be bigger. dad theres nothing i cant reach in my subaru. vo introducing the allnew subaru outback. Love. Its what makes a subaru,a subaru. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. To help spread some holiday cheer. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time; and 2 back at the grocery store. Thank you even before they got 3 back on gas, all with no hoops to jump through, a couple was inspired to use their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to throw the ultimate Ugly Sweater Party of the season. Thats the spirit of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. Jon thats our show i wanted to mention Something Real quick. On november 14th weve got the rosewater movie, its coming out. You need to go see it. But beyond that, on the 13th were doing whats called a sneak peak because were flashers. I dont know why they call it a sneak peak. W at were going to do is were. Were going to show the movie and then were going to be interviewed;journalist named stn colbert. So you can watch it, you can be in the theatre and it happens simultaneously in smellvision. Youll be able to smell it. Theres the website if youre interested, check it out. Things are getting excited. Im getting excited for you guys to see it. Anyway, here it is. Do you want to vote. Yes. Do you want to vote by yourself. Yeah. You know there are people out there that could vote but just dont. Ciioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen tonight, i profile one of Congress Last remaining democrats. Ill ask her how she plans to repopulate the species. Then big changes come to the senate. Now its run by a totally different old white guy. laughter and my guest tonight is democratic new york senator kirsten gillibrand. Ill ask her what its like to pander to the greatest people in america cheers and applause a new york doctor infected with ebola is reportedly now well enough to play the banjo. People immediately stopped wishing him a speedy recovery. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Its good to have you with us. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Stephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for being here. Good to have you with us in here, out there, all around. I have to tell you after a greeting like that i would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers, folks