Texas city. Its all because of this photo posted on an Islamic Militant groups twitter feed. It shows one of the companys old work trucks turned into an antiaircraftfiring weapon on the front lines of syrias civil war. Look at this picture. Marks company logo and his phone number still clear as day on the the side of that truck. Stephen yes, a texas plumbers work truck showed up in syria. Although, pickup truck, desert, giant machine gun that could still be texas. cheers and applause . Now, evidently thank you for your service, texas. Evidently, the trucks former owner Mark Oberholtzer of mark1 plumbing sold his Company Truck and has no idea how it wound up in syria. Since this photo emerged, his business has been flooded with phone calls and some threats. So just to clear things up mark1 plumbing has had to change their outgoing voice mail. Howdy, this is mark with mark 1 plumbing. If you need to reseal your bathtub, press one. If youre looking to commit atrocities based on a warped interpretation of quranic verse, that aint me. But if you need a pipe bomb, i can meet you halfway. laughter applause . Stephen and, nation, i also have a little happy news for the colbert nation. Last week, i put my desk and fireplace up for raffle with the proceeds going to the Yellow Ribbon fund and donors choose. And i am proud to announce we raised 313,000. cheers and applause . Boom congratulations. Thats pretty good. 313, thats a lot of green, daddy. Congratulations to winners Michelle Olson and tom laudate. And i am trusting you guys. I dont want to see my desk show up on the battlefields of syria. Okay . Now, folks, if this is your first time tuning into the the colbert report, i have some terrible news. laughter this, in fact is your last time tuning into the colbert report. Until no, no, no folks, until 10 years from now, when they reboot it directed by j. J. Abrams. Man, i am going to wreck some bleep with one of those new lightsabers. Now, because i am a transformational historical figure that is, i have been on tv many of the thinkerati out there are asking what might legacy is. Well, ultimately, i believe history will be my judge. So im going to tell history what to say, and that brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause same to you, pal. Folks, lets not pussy foot around here. I had a huge impact. Need more evidence . Maybe you should ask the Saginaw Spirit minimascot steagle coldbeagle the eagle. Okay. That happened. I dont remember cronkite ever having a mascot. But, folks, im not here to brag about having changed the world. Now i did something much harder than change the world. Folks, i i samed the world. Now, does that sound stupid . Well, they said i sounded stupid back in 2005, so thats the same. laughter and, folks, look around. Another another bush governor is running for the white house. People on tv are defending torture. We are sending troops into iraq. And just take the n. B. A. Championships, both in 2005 and 2014. I had to look up who won. Now, folks, if you remember, when should show began, i promised you a revolution, and i delivered. Because technically one revolution is 360 degrees right back to where we were. cheers and applause thats the truth. But like mary poppins or gandhi, gandhi i get them confused. I think they both had those flying umbrellas. Folks, now laughter now it is time for me to go. And ooh stephen no, and while ive always reminded you to be afraid, folks, i dont want you to worry. You see, on my very first show, i told you truth doesnt come from your head. It comes from your gut. And back then, my gut made you a promise. I know some of you may not trust your gut yet, but with my help, you will. And you did. cheers and applause because the truthiness is applause ill join that. Ill join that. Whatever were applauding right now, im in. Because the truthiness is all those incredible things people say i did running for president. Saving the olympics. Colbert super pac. Treadmill in space. The rally to restore sanity and or fear and or cat stevens career none of that, none of that was really me. You, the nation, did all of that. I Just Got Paid for it. laughter cheers and applause thanks. Thanks. That was that was really cool of you guys. laughter folks, i knew you could do it, because youre america, goddamn it. cheers and applause . U. S. A. Number one. You put a man on the moon. And he started mtv up there. laughter so in the annals of history or whatever orifice they stuff it in let no one say what we did together was not important or influential or importulential. You see, from the beginning, from the beginning of my show, it was my goal to live up to the name of this network, influence central. And if we all we achieved over the last nine years was to come into your home each night and help you make a difficult day a little bit better, man, what a waste. And, nation, i want you to know, if i had to do it all again, if i could do it with you, i would do it the same. cheers and applause and thats the word. Well be right back. Hersheys miniatures. Choosing is half the fun. Because theres a Little Something delicious. For everyone. Hersheys miniatures, choose your own delicious. Now through christmas eve, get 30 percent off hundreds of gifts. At zales. You dont need to think about the energy that makes our lives possible. Because we do. Were exxonmobil and powering the world responsibly is our job. Because boiling an egg. Isnt as simple as just boiling an egg. Life takes energy. Energy lives here. And discover an exciting combination of tastes. Rich, dark chocolate covering soft centers. Flavored with exotic fruit juices. Its chocolate and fruit flavors like youve never experienced before. Discover brookside. [ shutter clicks ] hi there [ laughs ] im flo i know im going to get you your rental car. This is so ridiculous. Were going to manage your entire repair process from paperwork to pickup, okay, little tiny baby . Your car is ready, and your repairs are guaranteed for as long as you own it. The Progressive Service center a real place, where we really manage your claim from start to finish. Really. Easy as easy can be bye its Customer Appreciation at subway were saying thanks with two of your favorite sixinch sandwiches for 2 each the meatball marinara and the cold cut combo. Join our Customer Appreciation celebration today. Subway. Eat fresh. We think you shouldnt have to worry about adding up all the taxes and fees to your nthly bill. Thats why our plans start at just 35 bucks, after 5 auto pay credit, all in. Taxes and fees included. Cricket. Something to smile about. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Now, folks, before the show ends, i just have to thank one special person if by person you mean corporation and i usually to. So heres one last shoutout. Hey stephen to the prescott group. Yes, prescott the petroagropharmalobbyingchem petroagropharmalobbyingchem glomeratecumhedge fund that has given me constant and generous support from day one asking nothing in return but my slavish willingness to promote their brand. Folks i may be going off the air but ill always be part of the prescott family of products, because of a lab accident involving formula 401 my d. N. A. Has been mixed into a lot of them. Speaking of lab accidents, prescott pharmaceutical, remember their motto how do you get to prescott headquarters . Malpractice, malpractice, malpractice. cheers and applause . This is Cheating Death with dr. Stephen t. Colbert, t. F. A. What are you doing . No screaming no theres no pulse. Or skin. Hes dead. I gotta get rid of this thing. Goodbye. This is the best day of my oh, god oh oh still a big fan wait a second. I dont have a guest tonight. Wait a minute i just killed death. That means i am immortal nothing can stop me now. Nothing can stop me now. Well be right back. Happy holidays from cricket wireless. Nothing can stop me now. Well be right back. Where you can get more from our reliable 4g lte network with a free 4g lte smartphone, after mailin rebate. Its our gift to you. Or anyone in your family, really. Cricket. Something to smile about. Shows his love by offering the female. A pebble. Some male penguins, however. Are a little smarter than others. This christmas everyone loves a gift from kay jewelers. Save up to 30 on select diamonds in rhythm. Its continuous motion catches light from every angle. At kay, the number one Jewelry Store in america. And, apparently antarctica. Every kiss begins with kay. [ shutter clicks ] hi there [ laughs ] im flo i know im going to get you your rental car. This is so ridiculous. Were going to manage your entire repair process from paperwork to pickup, okay, little tiny baby . Your car is ready, and your repairs are guaranteed for as long as you own it. The Progressive Service center a real place, where we really manage your claim from start to finish. Really. Easy as easy can be bye . Who has done something special. We all know someone this year. Give them the gift for those who fly beyond. I am rich. Most weekends, youll find me on my megayacht, which i bought from a mattress chain mogul, who could no longer afford the monthly payments. Yes, i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Who has done something special. We all know someone this year. Give them the gift for those who fly beyond. Stephen oh, hi. Thanks very much. Welcome back. Thanks, everybody. Look stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thanks so much. Welcome back, mortal nation. Thanks for taking some of your rapidly dwindling time on earth to be with me. Ive been sitting here for either two minutes or 200 years. I cant tell the difference anymore because im deathless. I gotta tell i, my First Impression of immortality, it feels okay. Kind of lonely, a little snacky. Overall, though, pretty good. I can see why god went this way. Now they cant die, i guess i dont need my bucket list anymore. There was a lot of good stuff on here visit every continent. Go bungee jumping. Chicken wings. Popcorn shrimp. Nachos. It kind of turned into a list of things i wanted to eat out of a bucket. Anyway the point is, im end, the report. And i was going to say goodbye, but now that ill live forever, who knows . I mean, i guess what im trying to say is. Well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i wont be long theyll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i wont be long theyll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i wont be long theyll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i wont be long theyll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day cheers and applause stephen what do i do now . Huh . Hohoho. Hello, stephen. Stephen santa. And im not alone. How do you do . Stephen Abraham Lincoln . I enjoyed watching your show, stephen. Stephen its true. You are a unicorn. And they thought mary todd was crazy. Stephen but, santa, its not even christmas. Why are you here . Dont ask me. Ask the one with all the answers. Stephen the one with all the answers . Is it it is you. Hello, stephen. cheers and applause . Stephen jeopardys alex trebek. Oh, mr. Trebek, where will we go . What will we do . You got that exactly right. All of lifes important answers must be in the form of a question. laughter stephen so i guess ill be gone forever. Oh, no, no, no, stephen. Well always be there for the American People whenever they need us the most. Stephen yeah, but arent you canadian . laughter . Ive have dual citizenship since 1998. Stephen yeah, thats not the same. Ready, stephen . Yes, sir, mr. President. Hohoho. Tell lorraine i love her. cheers and applause stephen well be right back did you know you can use an iphone 6 to make a call from almost any apple device . Really . Yeah. Give me a call on that macbook. Alright, call you now. [ringing] [french accent] hello, pierres bistro. Uhh, id like to make a reservation. [french accent] theres Nothing Available goodbye. Cmon dude. Dont hang up on me. Try again. Call me from the ipad. [ringing] [french accent] huhh huhh huhh. You call me back on ipad you think i give you a reservation you will never get a reservation table for four. [french accent] never who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . D you give someone the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. I am rich. Most weekends, youll find me on my megayacht, which i bought from a mattress chain mogul, who could no longer afford the monthly payments. Yes, i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Only pizza huts new menu takes flavor to the edge. Get any one of our ten new crust flavors for free. Like, toasted asiago crust. Salted pretzel crust. Or fiery red pepper crust, for free. Order now and score two medium pizzas for 6. 99 each. Get it all at pizzahut. Com. They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. It takes guts. That its given me time toabout reflect on some of lifeseen biggest questions. Like, if you could save hundreds on Car Insurance by making one simple call, why wouldnt you make that call . See, the only thing i can think of is that you cant get any. Bars. Ah, thats better. Its a beautiful view. I wonder if i can see mt. Rushmore from here. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . D you give someone the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. Stephen. Wake up. Stephen, you gotta wak. Its time. Stephen oh. Oh, thanks. Oh, oh, well, folks, weve finally come to the end of the the colbert report. Nine great years, 14,047 wonderful episodes. I just have too many people to thank. First and foremost, everybody who worked so hard every day to make something special. All of our friends and families for putting up with our long hours. The network for giving us the chance to begin with. applause and, of course, all the guests who came on, thousands of them. There are just too many to thank, so, you know, what . Ill just thank may haveis staple. May haveis, if you could just call everybody tomorrow, that would be great. Thanks. Oh and you, the colbert nation. We couldnt have done it without you. cheers and applause . Thank you for being such a big part of it. That was fun okay. Whew. Okay, thats the show. From eternity, im stephen colbert. Jon. Thanks for that report, stephen. Here it is, your moment of zen. I love you, jon stewart i love you. Please tell me thats the toss and we just finished it. laughter why not . Stephen i have no problem with that. I have no problem with that, either. Stephen can we do that . No. laughter . Stephen oh, well. All right. Lets go back into our funny characters. Hey, stephen. Stephen hi, jon, what are you doing . Im getting angry at liberals. laughter applause cheers and applause im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere