Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20150528

COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart May 28, 2015

The author of move putting americas intra structure infrastructure back in order. So i may have overexaggerated the earlier part of the title. May not be an exclam tore is what im saying am you know for years and i say this with all do respect american soccer fans that is about percentagewise laughter that is correct. laughter american soccer fans have stood by while the media obsesses over other sports crimes and scandals. Finally, soccer is getting its per walk. Seven time ranking officials the International Soccer of governing body known as fifa are under arrest. The u. S. Justice department accuses them of corruption and bribetaking involving tens of millions of dollars. Jon it looks to me like they are going to jail for all the money they stooollleee although i imagine for those such crimes there is still a chance for cheers and applause thank you. laughter that is awfully fun. So how did they take these guys down. Keep in mind obviously they couldnt use their hands. There wasnt a lot of shouting. There wasnt a lot of yelling. They let these gentlemen you know put their clothes on and pack their bags. They got them out. In an Early Morning police raid swiss authorities were seen escorting several senior fifa officials from zurichs luxury hotel. Jon swiss authorities. laughter fifa is so bad they got arrested by the swiss. A country whose official policy is on nazi gold was and i quote well allow it. By the way what is with the were awe resting david copperfield, oh a tiger oh good trick so what did the fifa guys do please dont say the baltimore because that would be a real crime. What did they do corruption totaling 150 million dollars. There is forms of fraud and bribery. Scheming to buy votes in fifas 2010 president ial election getting kickbacks for sponsorship rights for Television Rights for cities being awarded tournaments and so on. Jon oh you know you are corrupt when the indictment ends with and so on. Blackmail kidnapping et cetera, et cetera yadda yadda, so thats how the yadda yadda remains have yet to be identified so what are we charging them with . The u. S. Indictment charges a man with racketeering wire fraud and Money Laundering conspiracys in a 24 year scheme to enrich themselves. Jon a 24 career scheme to put that in perspective this fifa corruption started Jennifer Lawrence ago. Laugh laugh. What took so long. What the [bleep]. 24 years. What were you guys waiting for . This would be a good time to present my oneman show fifa a 24year thing operation. Hey wait im picking up on the wiretap weve got them on the bribes as we say in the year that it is this year, its hammer time. Lets move in. Lets what . Oh you want me to wait . Oh thats solid racketeering evidence. These temple pilots are as good as stone. Im sorry we shouldnt arrest them yet . Okay. I dont know when were going to arrest these fifa guys but once the guy does know, the rachel is tireless. Wow. You would have thought a 12year time jump wouldnt give us enough evidence of corruption but in 2,000 whatever the year that is what is that 2010 i love taylor swift. Moving move it jerry. Jerry . Jerry no no the only thing longer than that fifa sting operation was that bit. I imagine you put that much work into a case youre going to savor the moment. This really is the world cup of fraud. And today we are issuing fifa a red card. We will put them in the penalty box where they will be watched over by shin guards. laughter of course the they were arrested in switzerland. Fifa is an International Organization why was our Justice Department investigating this . The crimes were prepared in the u. S. And payments carried out by u. S. Banks. Jon youre welcome. You know americans may in the watch soccer but we will gladly nay enthusiastically finance and launder its dirty dirty money. You know something still seems off hear. Why did america really decide to take down fifa. Officials say they believe corruption might well have cost the u. S. The right to hold the world cup in 2022. The u. S. Was up for the 2022 world cup. And it lost to qatar. The decision to hold the world cup in a place where temperatures can reach 140 degrees immediately raised questions. Jon questions like will humans survive the world cup. Or for an extra 10 million in bribes would they hold it on venus. laughter but the jig is up. Game over qatar. Now fifa is busted and america can have all that sweet sweet soccer action for itself. This morning soccer officials said they still plan to hold the world cup in qatar despite the allegations. Jon [bleep] look at this one thing we at fifa pride ourselves in when we get bribed we stay bribed. laughter its a Little Something called integrity. But these fifa guys are fixated on money and shady transactions. Its like they would rather be bankers than sports executives which raises an interesting question, what would have happened to these fifa scoundrels if they were bankers. Hsbc was found guilty of Extensive International Money Laundering practices. Five of the Worlds Largest banks have been fined almost 6 billion for manipulating Foreign Exchange rates. Banking giant bmp perri ba pleading guilty monday to violating u. S. Sanctions by transferring funds on behalf of iran sudan and other countries. In addition to the 9 billion penaltyed bank dismissed 30 employees connected to the investigation. Jon let the word go forth if you [bleep] with sport you go to jail. If you are part of a Financial Institution that launders the money that [bleep] with sport you will go to the hamptons or some of you to monster. Com. Might be too much but any of these banking people facing criminal charges . No individual traders were charged today. Although attorney general Loretta Lynch said that the investigation remains open and ongoing. Jon hey, open and ongoing. That is an improvement. With the Justice Department on the case we might actually see some people go to jail. In 24 years. Well right now, verizon is offering unlimited talk and text. Plus 10 gigs of shareable data. Yeah, 10 gigantic gigs. For 80 a month. And 15 per line. More data than ever. For more of what you want. On the network thats 1 in speed, call, data, and reliability. So you never have to settle. 80 a month. For 10 gigs. And 15 per line. Stop by or visit us online. And save without settling. Only on verizon. groan im starving. Weve been compromised dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets birds chirping squawking loud bird squawk baby birds chirping nature i like this place old spice whistle automotive innovation starts. Right here. With a control pad that can read your handwriting, a widescreen multimedia center, and a headup display for enhanced driver focus. All inside a redesigned cabin of unrivaled style and comfort. The 2015 cclass. At the very touchpoint of performance and innovation. Jon hello friends. The new seasons awake from their slumber and burst through the falling flob blossoming in glorious chrr and releasing anotheriers pollen which was nice for the plants threatening to kill us all allergy experts this morning are warning of a pollen sue mammee w a pollen tsunami is swepting across most of america right now. Pollen tsunami suddenly hitting very hard. Pollen tsunami sounds like we made it up. Jon no laughter no no pollen tsunami definitely sounds like a real scientific term. And incredibly appropriate one comparing itchy eyes and sneezing so natural disasters that kill hundreds of thousands. I check it is textbook pollen tsunami. Right there. No, i dont even need to check t i trust you you are the news. Although i feel like last year they gave allergy season a different as ter ter movie name. We are done and done with that polar vortex for this year but what about the pollen vortex. What somewhere now calling the pollen vortex. The pollen vortex is launching an assault. Yes yes yes. Pollen vortex or as it is sometimes referred to the garden. laughter so sometimes the creative descriptions of allergy season miss the mark. But isnt that why god invented the shades. About 40 million american suffer from seasonal allergies. And this spring theyre getting hit with a perfect storm of missery. A perfect storm for allergy suffererers. The perfect storm of allergens. Perfect storm for allergy suffererers. The perfect storm, a lot of snow, a lot of water and now a lot of warm weather perfect storm. laughter if it happens every year at the same time that doesnt really count as a perfect storm really. [bleep] a storm. In fact the only thing perfect here is how pre predictable the cover of poll sen area after year. This spring is shaming up to be the worse allergy season in years. One of the worst allergy seasons in areas. The worst allergy season that we have ever ever seen. One of the worst allergy seasons on record. One of the worse allergy seasons ever. One of the worse allergy seasons in years. Allergy season is already one of the worst in recent memories. This is the worst allergy season ever. One of the worst allergy seasons in years. The worst allergy season in a decade. cheers and applause how can every year be the worst ever. What is it the knicks . Yeah boo me i own the team. Brings me to my point media quit it American People are scared enough already without your toxic plant spor fearmongering and now with every year is the worst you are embarrassing yourself seriously you look dumber than somebody photographed mid sneeze, we are a on to you. We dont believe the hype and im here to tell you were to the going to take it were to the going to take it at all. We aint going to take it no more exkees excuse me jon . What the hell mike tringale, Senior Vice President of the asthma and Allergy Foundation of america . What are you doing here . I heard you lambasting media for its pollen coverage and i need to tell you they are actually telling the truth about allergy season. Jon come on how can every allergy season be the worst one ever thats insane. Actually its not insane. Its very sane. Youre insane. Jon what . Look at this Graph Foundation as temperatures rise and Greenhouse Gases rise, so does pollen production every year so allergy season gets worse every year. laughter jon well obviously im to the going to argue with a scientist. Im not a scientist,. Jon or a doctor. Jon what. No, im wearing this lab coat because your wardrobe lady put me in it. Jon what are you . I am the foundations spokesman so i speak for the public of the awkwardly social nerd in our office dont have to. Jon look, tringale if there is a point where we will finally reach peak pollen or will this problem keep getting worse and worse until we all drown in our own snot . There is a third option. We could make drastic changes to our lifestyle to end the problem of climate change. Jon so the snot drowning. Mike tringale everybody. Well be right back. Chers plaus , we get why people love that kind of precision. After all, in everything we build. Thats exactly. What we deliver. This is precision. Welcome to the show. Welcome to gmc. We snap it. We stack it. We smoosh it. We love it. Hersheys makes it a smore. You make it special. Hersheys is mine, yours our chocolate. Photos are great. For capturing your world. And now they can transform it with the new angies list app you can you can get projects done in a snap. Take a photo of your project or just tell us what you need done. 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Your ticket to a better nights sleep cheers and applause swrz welcome back my guest tonight the chair and director of the Harvard University advanced leadership i nes difficult also an author. Her new book is called move putting americas infrastructure back in the lead please welcome Rosabeth Moss kanter. cheers and applause jon nice to see you. Nice to see you. Let me say this. Im going to go out a limb and say not only is this a good book, well, there we go. Not only is this a good book this san important book. Its not a sexy job infrastructure is not a sexy topic but wildly important. Our infrastructure as you have documented keeps crumbling. It is shabby its deteriorating. Its behind other countries in the world. Its an embarrassment but worse than that it hurts all of us because were stuck in traffic. We cant get to work. But the average american spends 38 hours a year stuck in traffic unnecessarily and thats the average. Jon that is a week. Yeah. Jon why, this seems like the type of issue if we cant do this what can we do . This is fixing our bridges our roads our rail system if we cant do that. We cant do anything. Jon thats what im saying. The reason i wrote this not a sexy topic but yes it turned out to be very sexy with our lives every day its our families the average American Family spends up to 20 of their Household Budget on transportation andoff enthey are to the getting mi where with it. So we really have to fix it. Jon so why can we not fix it . What has gone wrong . We were the leaders in the world in the 40s and 50s. And what has happened . We were. We invested then. We were the top of the world. A lot of our Big Investments were in the 1960s the highway act we built 21,000 miles of interstate highway. We spent 25 billion. That was a lot of money back then. Jon sure. Yeah, we cant spend that now. Jon now we are getting our butts kansas citied. Japan has trains that will take you right to your house. Sometimes kiss you good night and tuck you in. Not only that, they will do it at 200 Miles Per Hour swrz thats what im talking about. Whereas the fastest amtrak can go is 150 Miles Per Hour and they cant do it for very long. Jon and we saw when they do there are these dangerous accidents and people are killed. Its awful. And thats not whatever the proximate cause was its because of years of neglect, of investment in our infrastructure. But the thing is repairs arent sexy. Maintenance isnt a vision. Somebody says hey youre going to paint your house t is going to look exactly the same, that doesnt get people excited. So we need to have visions of what is possible and whether it is bullet trains like japan whether its just getting cars off the road through ride sharing. Jon right. Through better lightrail that would help make our lives better as well as the economy. Jon but do you think judging from our history that it will take a frequent catastrophes for us to pay any attention to this . Bridges will fall. People will die. And then well put something through congress where they can look at our about driving, i dont know what they will do. That happens in red states as much as blue states, so you think everybody would be behind it. Jon you are sending money to peoples districts. Why wouldnt they . Will with the thing is you cant scare people into change. You cant. Jon what . You cant. Jon i think thats the only way we went into iraq isnt it. And look how that worked out for us. Jon maybe we should scare people maybe thats the trick. Maybe we need to get more hyperbolic and scare some people. Let them know the real reality. Well i think when you well yes we should thats why i wrote a book. But also if you dont have a positive vision if you dont believe the change is possible you dont say the government will just waste my money. Im hearing from people all over the country who say my pothole isnt fixed. If we have so the other thing i tried to do is show people that we could do it. Were america. We are the little engine that could or can or will. But not the little engine that cant and wont. Which is what we seem to be now. Jon by the way that is the little engine infrastructure book, worst Childrens Book ever. Just terrible. Didnt we have the stimulus that put some money back into into our infrastructure wasnt that something that was meant to refurbish. It wasnt enough money t was Shovel Ready Projects so that meant pretty much fixing potholes and sewer lines. Some of which is still going on. And my street. Jon what about our energy grid broadband, all the things that would bring us up to snuff as a modern country. We should be doing it. But we never talk about them all in the same breath. We talk about highway separate from rail. We need lightrail. We talk about that separate from buses. We dont think about how were going to have fewer trucks because more freight should be carried by train so we dont talk about it all together. And the Broadband Technology all those apps by which you can summon a car or you can find parking those have tremendous promise for reducing congestion but we dont talk about them in the same breath. I try to talk about it between the same cover. Jon that is why this is important not just good as i said earlier but important. cheers and applause on the book shelves now rossa bethmoss my cut hurt. Mine hurt more. Mine stopped hurting faster neosporin plus pain relief starts relieving pain faster and kills more types of infectious bacteria. When you pick any 3 participating products get a free all better bag. Available at walmart. When its time for battle, you need powerful protection. New right guard xtreme heat shield. Tested to the extreme. Proven to p

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