Such a nice odd yengs. Really is. And guys, tis the season of giving, right . And no one gives this comedy show more gifts than the republican candidates running for president. laughter . Larry yay so lets take a look and see whos trying to denegrofy the white house. In other words, whats happening with the unblackening. As you all know tonight is the second night of hanukkah. And all 14gop candidates celebrated the festival of lights by talk together Republican Jewish Coalition last thursday. And the first bright spot, lindsay graham. Thank you very much. applause . Larry whats your rush, Lindsey Graham . Moving kind of fast out of that room, arent you . Did you see his big finish . Watch the hands, watch the hands. Nice. Stick that landing, keri strug, nice. Now les you think im just making fun of someone tripping, which i am, as it turns out, Lindsey Grahams prat fall was just a visual metaphor for the night of slipups that lay ahead. Listen what happened when black eeyore or bleeyore, ben carson applause started talking about the militant Palestinian Terror Group hamas. Split between fatah and hamas, hummus tun ems the gaza strip tinls the gaza strip. Larry im sorry, is he saying hummus instead of hamas . This guy doesnt know anything about hummus. That sounds like the worst kind of hummus possible. I mean what is next, will ben carson start referring to isis as italian ices . Or boko haram as cocoa parmesan . Cocoa parmesan sounds pretty delicious. Let me tell you something, if ben carson invents cocoa parmesan, he just might become a viable candidate for president. Yeah. Actually, why do we have to wait for him to invent this groundbreaking drink. Im sure i have some hot chocolate and fresh parm sitting right around here. Oh, here we go. Larry oh, thats revolting. Very good. Any how, all the candidates each took turns speaking to the Republican Jewish Coalition. And rather than go through a list of promises, many of them decided to go with another p word, pandering. First up, donald trump whose power move was to use an odd combination of reverse psychology and trump humility. So again, you are not going to support me even though you know im the best thing that could ever happen to israel. Larry really . In israel the holy land which the jewish people have sacrificed for thousands of years to protect, donald trump is the best thing that could happen. Not peace. Donald trump, right . I am the classiest, holist, milk and honeyist candidate youve got. Im like mosses only less of a loss moases only less of a loser. 40 years to get out of the desertd, come on. I would have done it in a week and left a luxurious wall. But trumps picked up speed when he started trafficking in some good oldfashioned stereotype. Im a negociater like you folks, is there anybody that doesnt renegotiate deems in this room. Perhaps more than any other room ive ever spoken. Larry this is the actual definition of stereotyping when you say is there anybody that doesnt, fill in the blank, in this room . Right . Thats like going to the naacp and saying my candidacy is a slam dunk, there is no one in this room who cant dunk, right . Barbara jordan, you can dunk, right . Okay. The only time its not offensive to assume a roomful of jewish pesht are negotiators is when are you at an event for the united jewish negotiators. I mean its lit literally in share slogan. What was when was the last time they had that meeting. Im not sure. But any how, once the pander express leaves the station, everybody wants to hop on. John kasich even brought along his mother. My mother told me one time, she said johnny, if you want to look for a really good friend, get somebody who is jewish. Your jewish friend will stick by your side and fight right with you, and stand by you. Larry so you have ethnic strategy sessions with your mom. Your jewish friends are very loyal, your asian friends are really funny. And your mexican friends are the best listeners. This is outrageous. Look, im going to need a little bit of help here. So taking on john kasichs moms suggestion please welcome my loyal jewish friend nightly show contribute errory albanese. Shall om, larry, shallom. Larry thank you. Before we get started i want to be clear that im not really a very good jew. No, i was bar mitzvahed and stuff but i havent done anything since. So just under the circumstances, i think im probably the best youve got. Larry good, good. All right what do you think about kasichs mom saying jewish friends are more loyal. Yeah, thats not a thing. No, i mean we might have curly hair but were not like labradoodles, you know what i mean . Im not saying jewish people cant be loyal. Im just saying being jewish and being loyal are not like bound by some sort of talmudic law, thats not like. Larry did you see this thing jim gilmore says. Can we just talk about jim gilmore. Larry no, we were talking about kasich. Wait, those are two different dudes, holy cow, thats crazy. Hi no idea. Larry we had our Research Department figure out. Here is what gilmore said to the same jewish group. Last night i was watching sha linders list. Everybody here has seen schindlers list. Larry schindlers list. Thats how he decided to relate to the jewish audience is to see schindlers list . Yeah, my real problem with this is that casual manner by which he says he as watching. Last night i was home, i cracked open a brew, you know, i turned on schindlers list, as you do. No, you dont. No, you dont nobody does that. That is a movie you watch one time in the theater, out of respect, and then you never watch it again. Thats what it is. Larry true. Sorry, but thats what it is. Larry thats a very sad movie. Very sad movie. So as a jewish person were you offended by the approach all the republicans took . I was really offended because that is what politicians do, they pander. My my attitude st if you are going to pander, you have to pander better. Like hey, ben carson, youre a doctor. Play that up, you know what i mean . Trust me on this,ed crowd will love t theyll be eating out of your gifted hands, man. Larry sounds good. Any other thoughts, my loyal friend . You know, larry, i guess the best way for me to put all this republican jewish thing is this whole thing, its mishegoss sha anda, its mesh nug meshuggenah and fakaktah. Larry my thowts exactly. And i will also add what does that mean . Truth is, larry, have i no idea. My grandma, though, used to say those words a lot and im pretty sure none of them are good. But like im say im not a very good jew. Larry thats okay. Rorie albanese. Well be right back. Well be right back. But youre loyal. Ono offdays, or downtime. Ason. Opportunity is everything you make of it. This winter, take advantage of our seasons best offers on the latest generation of cadillacs. The 2016 cadillac ats. Get this lowmileage lease from around 269 per month, or purchase with 0 apr financing. Get on down. So theres two chairsore room at theright there. Ble. I know right . A piece of advice step up your style, its the holidays. They look amazing. They do look much nicer than us. Look how much fun theyre having what are you talking about . Me . They cant hear you. Janice dave david tony guys. What . Theres this huge holiday sale going on at old navy. The entire store is up to 60 off. Get some new clothes, bam, youre in. Lets go now. You are a holiday miracle. Its finally here. Six corn dogs stat. Kill the alarm now, my friend. I dont know how to do that. Hey, that worked all right aah narrator wednesday, december 9th, is 50cent corn dog day. click the new sprint lte plus network is faster than verizon and at t. To celebrate, were gonna cut some prices in half. Switch to sprint and save 50 on verizon, at t, or tmobile rates. So switch today. Awww. Ritating song playing intels best processor is here. Which gives new pcs three times the battery life. So you never have to stop watching. Thanks. Introducing intels new 6th generation core processor its our best processor ever. Larry welcome back. Now thank you very much. Something happened last night that we need to discuss, in a new segment called i got to say. Our graphics are get sog elaborate, man. President obama decided to give a speech on a sunday night. And i got to sairks he was smart enough to not do it during the Football Game but he did it during pregame which is almost as bad. Americans take their pregame very seriously, mr. President. As these two bills fans proved yesterday. That really happened, you guys. That really happened. Pregame. I mean for me its bad to see o. J. Simpsons proud franchise have their legacy tarnished. Horrible thing. Horrible. We got some old school in this audience. We got some old school. Now we knew it must be an important speech because president obama was giving it from the oval office. Now an Oval Office Address is the most powerful weapon at the president s disposalk aside from the 4,560 nukes. But the president is calling us into his office as a nation, and it grabs our attention in a way no other speech does. Okay. So what did he say. Good evening. Larry hold on, obama. Why you got a podium in your office . You just pissed away your whole oval Office Advantage by standing behind a podium. Okay so to recap, mistake number one. Interrupted football. Mistake number two, podium. Mistake number three . We will destroy isil. Larry okay, stop. Why you calling isis isil . And do you realize you did this 19 times last night. Isil. Isil. Isil. Isil. Isil. Larry now i get it youre the president and you think if you say isil enough well start saying it. Thats not how things catch on. We heard it as isis the first time. Isis is an easier word to crimek like isis crisis. Were not having a national kries ill. Imsh imsh kries crisi will. Were not the only one hoping kries ill will catch on. I have 10,000 isil tshirts gathering dust in an warehouse. I get t i understand. But the purpose of this chat was to connect, to connect with football lovg americans you have to talk like us, not some isil nerd language. All right. So any how, american just went through a crisil. Okay. So maybe you have some words to make us feel better. And i know that after so much war, Many Americans are asking whether we are confronted by a cancer that has no immediate cure. Larry thanks, mr. President. I was feeling kind of scared but the mention of cancer really helps sooth the old nerves. All right. Any how, look, i got to say, mr. President , i get it youre trying to have a serious moment here. Youre not trying to pander. Youre trying to talk to us like were adults. But were not adults, were americans, all right . cheers and applause okay . Hello . And if youre going to show up right before game time, you need to inspire us with your words, not just tell us. And please do it sitting down. Is i just had to say it well be right back. cheers and applause toyotathon is back with a season full of holiday treats. Like 0 apr financing on the reliable camry. Did you know, 90 of camrys sold in the last 10 years are still on the road today . But hurry, our biggest event of the year wont last long. Right now at toyotathon, get 0 apr financing for 60 months on a 2016 camry. Offer ends january 4th. For great deals on other toyotas, visit toyota. Com. Make the holidays happier at toyotathon. Toyota. Lets go places. Most people who sign up for Health Insurance on healthcare. Gov qualify for financial help to make coverage more affordable, lowering their monthly premiums. Many find low premium plans for less than 75 a month. These are quality plans that include coverage for doctor visits, nocost Preventive Services and prescription drugs. Sign up at healthcare. Gov by december 15th for coverage starting january 1. Thought i told you to stay off our turf. And what would you know about turf, skipper . Lets end this here and now lets dance flo whoa there progressive covers boaand rvs, okay . Plenty of policies to go around. [ grunts ] oh, oh, im the bad guy . You threw a fish at us, so, yeah. Yeah. Coverage for land and sea. Now, thats progressive. Larry welcome back, here is my panel first up rory albanese. And nightly show contributor mike yard. And hes the creator and star of kneeon joe werewolf hunter which premiers on adult swim tonight. Comedian and acker jon glears. For everyone at home join our conversation on twitter nightly show using the hashtag tonightly. I was talking about pandering earlier in the show it seems like the guilty candidates were in a exish to see who could were in a competition to see who could pander to the jews at the coalition, is it okay to say things to a Certain Group or is it the worst thing you can do . Well, i want to say before we get started, not to pander but isnt the nightly show audience the best audience on the planet . cheers and applause i mean. Thats really well put. Come on how did you get an audience full of Beautiful People . I dont understand how you did it. I mean are the tickets free, yes, are they cheap, a little bit. Other than that, though. I mean, jesus, you are winning, best audience in the history of audiences. cheers and applause . Larry are you so transparent, my friend. Just keeping it a hundred. Larry right. Keeping it a hundred. Larry its kind of a politicians job to pander i guess in a certain sensement but when its so obvious, its just a little uncomfortable to me. But seeing schindlers list, thats really come on, hey, i was wamping schindlers list the other day. You should go strong, for me, if you are going to do that, just say, like for me i watched schindlers list every day. Larry thats how you should. Every morning, i got two kids. We get up around 7 00 to start the process of school. I get up at 4 00. I got to stretch for 15 minutes. And then i spend the rest of my time wamping schindlers list, every morning. Yeah. And be emphatic. You may not watch it every day but thats how i start my day. Yeah. Larry thats just the weirdest thing to say i just watched probably a movie about one of the worst things that ever happened to your people, this morning. It looked like he was trying to, you know, hone up on his jewish. Yeah. So he was like what do i know about these jews, i dont know, put on schindlers list, like come on. You are watching back republican, roots. Yeah. Go deeper, in your catalog. Like listen, i was watching the chosen. Yeah. Yentle is a good one too, because yentel is superjewish but also streisand is in it so the republicans will be like, what do we do . We cant process both of those things. Larry too liberal. Now i want to say not just republicans because i remember in 2008 when hillary went down south, or something. Can we show the hillry, do you have the hillry clip. Words of James Clevelands great freedom hymn. I dont feel no ways tired. I come too far from where i started from. Nobody told me that i rode would be easy. I dont believe he brought me this far. Wow. Thats the best. Larry can i get an amen. So good. Thats really good. Im not going to stop snapping. Out,out. See, you cant do it, you cant do it. It feels like at least she really committed to it. That would be like if it was gilmore said, you know i watched schindlers list and everyone was and he started quoting it, like she went quote, thats hard. Like he wasnt like i red a book. Im not mad at her. Like dont do that. Dont do that. Wasnt she running against barack at that time. She was trying to outblack him. Because obama gets the code switch that nobody can. So he can go in front of a black crowd and say whats upyall. Oh, hes talking to black people. Who am i to say you should not talk like that, right . She had a nice outfit that kind of balanced it all out though like some weird, it looked like a kneeon space suit. Like a pant suit. Yeah t actually looked like. A classic pimp outfit. Peach, come on. Something Steve Hartley might wear so its appropriate, its appropriate. But lets be real. We all pander. I mean politicians, we all do it. When are you dating a girl thats pandering. You pandering to get the job. Yeah, yeah. Larry wait, you are parynding to get the girl. Yeah, because are you telling her everything she wants to hear, everything good about her so that you can get in. Its the same thing. They just trying to get in americas drawers. That could be what i am doing wrong. Larry so the politicians are trying to get in americas drawers. Exactly. Which is why. Exactly. Come on, larry, you see this. You see this. Larry, thats why i am so scared of as couldby candidacy, because i feel like we cant no, because we cant all drink the good stuff. Larry rory, now that that i believe. A hell of a connection you tried to make. Trying to get in americas drawers,s couldby. Oh, okay. Larry which candidate slowing down, hold up. Which candidate out there right now is the best at getting in americas drawers . I dont know. Trump might be doing the best job because hes. Larry trump doesnt make promises. He just panders. Yeah, but thats probably why hes so good, that is why people are so submiten with him because he says stuff that are you not supposed to say out loud out loud. Like you know, he does. And people are like oh that is kind of racist. Larry but he says [bleep] you shouldnt even be thinking in the first place. Yeah. Larry it shouldnt be lurking in there somewhere. At all. Larry. He shouldnt be thinking that [bleep] anyway. All mexicans are rapists, i really shouldnt tell anybody this. Tamp it down. Thats because trump doesnt get the concept of pandering. Its not pandering if you call people the blacks. Thats not a good thing. Pandering is good and well accept t you know what i mean f its a good thing. Like if you come in front of a group of republican black men and are you like so whats up with them big dicks. So broad, blanket statement. Let that happen at the next one. We would like that. Please. Never happens at the jewish coalition, ever, by the way. Hit them with the big dick line. Why would i do, that wrong meeting, sorry, these are the wrong notes. Im just saying. Larry all right, all right. Now we got to pander to our spoarnses, well be right back. Oh, nice. Nice. Grab some free tickets to attend an upcoming taping of the nightly show. Go to the nightly show. Com tickets. 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