The Television Companies and more. Including cox. Ask homework can be hard. Squatting in a diner for internetwork is even harder. That despite we are providing lower income students access to affordable internet. So homework and just be homework. Cox connect to compete. Cox come along these Television Companies support cspan2 as a public service. I am so excited to have this conversation withui you. I followed your political career and you actually represent the district i was raised in. Oh wow. [laughter] yes, yes. St i have heard. So im just excited so lets just dig in. Talking to you about your new book. I want to talk about this the opening. You go in really deep really quickly with the book about some of the paint and the trauma you have experience in your life. What made you decide to open the book with what many could consider one of the worst experiences you had had in your life up to that point. But you know, it is something that i am still working through. But it is also something that affected me so deeply. The Sexual Assault that i experienced, it was like my early 20s, late teens early 20s. It was when i was still trying to find myself quote. And im blamed myself. I went to the next 20 years of blaming myself every single time it was because my shirt was cut short and my shorts were really, really short. It was because i was out walking with friends when i met them and i was stressed a particular way. Eythat is why it happened. When they took me out on the date they assume thats what i wanted. I made all of these excuses for what happened to me and all of the blame fell on me. So when that happened back in 2016 how the book begins, i was wearing scrubs. Just come from work. Until i was 40 years old. I just turned 40 i believe. It was just the mindset that i blame myself because of all these things before. But this time those things were not in play. Im really trying to dig through that prism port to start with that. That also happened right after mys first run for office. Much of my life was changing i was just getting my life together and moving forward and things were starting to make sense that just crashed everything all at once. But so much of the book, specially talk about your experience with sexuals assault as a young woman. And years later after your first run, i was saddened but not surprised because your experience as it lived experience of so many black women who have been touched by trauma and violence and abuse and Sexual Assault. During the chapter talk about your route use you talk quite a bit about how black women are sexualized and an early age breed is what happened to you. As you said you took on a lot of blame for your self older men or boys wereen coming on to you so hard or reacting violently towards you. How did you get out to the other side . How did you come to the conclusion these instances were not your fault . These were not about how you were dressed or were at the time. Its about toxic behavior in the men who perpetratededah it. I think some of it came from over the last several years highlighting out prevalent Sexual Assault is. The work of organizations. Even when people have become public speaking out against you know, people who areo celebrities. Or our politicians. Just hearing that rallying cry that has been pushed forward. Those advocateses speaking out just putting it in front of us more. But it was not until i went to therapy. I dont to therapy immediatelyin following. I think the following week or the week after i was in therapy at least one two times a week. That is where i learned the most. A its my therapist started to dig through that saying hey, why are you thinking question what she help me too see that i was holding onto it and how much i had internalized. Everything that happened to me. Even down to the catcalls. I talked about in the book this older man, i was a teenager sit of your old enough to pee you are old enough for me. That was the mindset. Ier would encounter a lot it was just the usual regular thing. And now i understand that is not okay but were to be speak out against it . How often do you hear that spoken out against like thatt is not how you talk to women and girls. That is not how you talk to anyone actually. On so turning it around. That is one thing i have tried to highlight not in my book but just in my work. Where are the folks that are speaking out . Where are the men speaking to boys about where are the conversations . In those things have to happen. Im glad you talked about african and Africanamerican Community can be taboo to talk habout how you need help and sk help for medical professionals. Should you struggle with some of that same mentality where you felt like somehow you were being awake or you are not acting in the best way by seeking out help . Often we are told not to seek help for these types of things. Yes absolutely. For me i grew up in the church. I grew up in the church you know, i am aow pastor even thouh im not pastoring a church right now. Being a k minister myself it waa fight for me. Especially when it was first brought to me. You need therapy. It was my friend i talked about in the book by the name of chris. It wasyo him saying hey, you are not yourself. You need therapy and i knower someone who can help you and i can get you connected to therapy. And he did all the work to get all of it set up forget she needs this now. That is how that happens. So him pushing me. If it was not for him pushing me honestly i would not have ever gone i was having that battle. It was okay you need to go to church. You need to go to church and we need to pray about it. You need to ask the members need to ask mothers, reach out to this pastor friend you know and have everybody pray for you and you will be okay. But i did go to church. And i remember what to church one and i was sitting in the church and they were talking about god is going to bless you in ten days of this whole thing happening and people are jumping up out of their seats. Theyre like turn around three times and say these words are based turning around. Im sitting there in the midst of it bleeding on the inside. Feeling like i was a bleeding and i was about todn lose it. I couldnt believe everyone was so happy, cheering and praising god around me nobody noticed me sitting in the midst of them hurting. So i jumped up out of that seat and ran out of the church. Id will never forget iran out f the Church Someone stopped me my face is wet and tears are just falling from me and i am running out of the church. Someone stopped me there was out the door and she said hey stop, have you signed up for the Marriage Ministry . And ill never forget you still do not see my face is wet and i am running. Iranan out of there, rent out a parking lot was trying to figure out how i could kill myself right there. I was sitting there thinking if i take my car and i go and stop at this point assumes up all the parking lot there is major street. I could die. The thing that stopped me was i put my hands on the steering will too get ready to pull off. There is a flash before me of the faces of my children. Of my children, them a hearing that i was no longer here. And i cannot bear that, so that is what stopped me. That is an incredible, incredible story. Appreciate assuring that. Its something i can definitely relate too. I suffer from mental illness. Your honesty about your Mental Health journey and the fact you admitted it took believing in something bigger like your family basically too hold you,o keep you as part of this earth is tremendously insightful. I appreciate you sharing that. That is so, so honest. I want to pivot a little, talk about growing up in st. Louis. The chapters about your childhood were so relatable to me. I am theis new girl who also grw up in st. Louis in the 80s and 90s. Watching the cosby show and a different world, eating pizza and the types of music you talk about doing a dance routine to poison, which was one of my favorite songs as a kid definitely got me to the dance floor. But i also found really touching and relatable wish her family taught you your history of the black history of our culture and our struggle here in the united states. Can you tell me a little bit about the impact your father had on you and wanting you to know your history . So my dad for me was the strongman. When i was a kid, i looked up to my dad as this cool kind of like just the way he raised desperate not outwardly use not like inht our thing. It was more the way he raised us and what he taught us inside the home. I will never forget my dad worn effort with a part on the side. He would keep his black pic in his head anywhere that everywhere he was not at work. We had pictures of jesse jackson, doctor king, the get great kings and queens of africa on the wall. We had books on black americans and it wasnt the usual folks that you may hear about when we celebrate black history. It was deeper than that. You need to know when temptation is an fred hampton us were not names we are hearing all the time. Time with dad you are watching, no joke eyes on the prize. Roots, documentaries and stories that was our time with him. Butt it meant so much but did t realize it at the time, i wanted to watch mtv, that was the thing at the time. I had other stuff that i wanted to watch. But for him it was note you do not need to look at those things but this is what you need because you we need to fortify you at home because when you go out there is a different world outside. One thing my dad taught me that i will never forget and it has meant meant two things one that mike black was beautiful. We look so much alike my sister is lightskinned i am dark skinned. But my dad never made a difference. You would not k have known the color m differences. My mom was a different shade than all of us. You would notug have known he taught me my dark skin was still beautiful and to never hold my head down for anyone. But also taught me every day before he walked out of our home now i getet it, he would set us down before walked out the door and say responsibility, responsibility, responsibility, responsibility. You are a leader you will not be a follower. But a good leaders know how it knows how to follow then you can walk outside the door he would pray and then you can walk up the door. I love it, i love it, i love it. I do very similar upbringing. I w watch so much of eyes on the prize, my dad had brought him home from work. And he said to me oh my god youre going to turn into a militant. [laughter] the samed thing watching roots, knowing your history of the kings and queens of africa. Turks really . We had the same poster in our house. I also felt the same pressure that you felt to succeed academically and do wellin school. But i want you to talk a little bit about how unpopular that was in the 80s and. 90s in st. Louis as a young black woman. The fact youre a bit more bookish and more on the studious side did not always work in your favor and trying to fit in but. No it did not. It was being cute being able to wear a, the mood color lipgloss and having the latest gasset jeans and polo close and all of that. That was the thing but it did not matter if youre smart or not. People didnt care about that in our age group. It was about the look. But for me i wanted both. I want to look this way because i like it. But i also loved books. I loved school, i love the knowledge and learning for that was my comfortable place. It was like i could relate to the books. I do not know how to best articulate that. I felt like i needed to attain as much knowledge as i could. What are my favorite things was learning vocabulary. It was its own class in Elementary School and i loved it. But it b was not always it ws more like being singled out though. Because in class to be oh cory, answer this. Cory knows that. It started to make me feel like i just want to be like my friends we do not single me out. And it was like i just wanted to be like everybody else. But i still pushed on and excelled because i knew that was expected of me as well from both of my parents. But if you couldnt be also it broke my mommys a call at ms. Papa you could not be the ms. Pop then you are peers would not necessarily see you. Exactly. You talked quite a bit in the book about when you started high school and racialized bullying and hatred you often receive from other students that was just part of school life as opposed to something people felt compelled to actually do anything about. Can you talk a little bit about that . Yes, i was totally unexpected. To this school thinking what i saw before me and Like High School nights we would have students coming from other schools to talk to us about our schools. All of the love and the school pride, that is what i thought i was going to be walking into. Never once did it cross my mind that i would endure something completely different. Especially because most of the racism i had seen in the archivals that i watched and all of that. It wasnt because i was young. So by the time i got to the point to where i was going to high school i just did not think that was something i would see in high school. Because it basically racism its almost like racism was over. Or the part of it that was so over it at least was over. But walking into this school was a completely different thing. I just remembered not understanding what was happening to me when the administrator, talk about in t the book i tooky Entrance Exam just like everyone else. We went into this big auditorium, all the freshman, we took it together. I know when they called me back and said you need to come back and retest i did not understand but i will never forget i walked into the school the day to retest and the administrator of looking up at the administrator i remember he was taller than me. He looked right at me and he said we believe that you cheated. We do not believe you did this well on your own. And sent me back into that same huge auditorium to take it again by myself. And how unnerved he was when i walked back out and they scored it. He said to meet you know that i better. But the way he said you could tell he was a little pissed off. I got to stay number one in my class. We feel isolated didnt just feel discrimination from my peers. I felt it from staff, felt it from administrators. I was a 149 just turned 14. What kid should have to go through that . I definitely agree. You predominately when you talk going to catholic and religious schools in st. Louis. I actually went to Public Schools in st. Louis and had similar experiences. But what you just described was the hardest for me it wasnt teachers did not believe me orf listen to me because i was specifically a young black girl. I would like to hear talk a little bit about how adult choosing to not believe you or question you when you do well on a test. And how that trickles down to her interactions with the Healthcare Industry as a young woman. You talk in the book about ending two pregnancies and the dismissiveness and harshness you receive any medical professionals who worked with you. Talk a little bit about what that does to a young black woman when you are repeatedly not believed and dismissed. I think part of it goes back to as use we are seen or treated as overt sexualized. It starts so early. And then that matriarch and not matriarch in a respectful way necessary we are seeing so early as this grown woman at 14, even at 12, at ten. You are seen as basically a grown woman. And i think that plays this part of i dont have to be soft with you. Ty i write do have to treat you with dignity. I do not have to treat you like you are deserving of peace. I can treat you like you are. Basically i think a lot of it comes down to not knowing, not understanding the core of us. As i got older from that moment id started to really understand things that i had heard in my childhood at school. Wait a minute, i remember feeling this way when the teacher said this. And now i realize what that really was. And years later the whole idea of not being believed. Notr being heard or being tread like you are automatically less than meet your automatic less than us. That was the thing when i was in that Abortion Clinic on the person that was supposed to counsel me instead of her speaking to someone that was in the situation that was really, really tough for her. Instead of looking at that like this is a way for me too help this person to help give them whatever they need in this moment they took it as the moment to knock me down and back me into a corner to test how i was not enough. And how i would never be enough. Because when we are given the opportunity to shine, or when we take by force the opportunity to shine, our brilliance is so amazing people cannot connect and understand like how is that . Especially when you look at black women being the most educated group in this country. And allll of the struggles and hurdles that we have to get past. Wewe have to be three and four times more better and everything we are working on to at least b considered average. And for us to do even greater textbook to who we are. You got to be strong, youve got to be the matriarch for you are the matriarch at ten. But speaking out hopefully will help future generations. I definitely hope so. I hope that when other black women read your memoir here they will feel seen as i felt seen reading it. One of the parts in the earlier chapters really resonated with me was how open you are about the relationships you have had. Learning is earliest when you were in junior high and high school. In those first heartbreaks for those first feelings of not being enough in feeling disrespected. You had a story about your first boyfriend and how you were a cheerleader and you do a special jump whenever hee would score if he was an athlete at your school. Then to find out hes seeing another girl the same time he was seeing you and feeling crushed and internalizing that as i am not enough. Can you talk a little bit of the feeling of i am not enough is repeated over and over and over again often in your relationships . Especially with the long term once you had as awi young woman with the man terrel that would eventually develop into an abusive relationship. Next it is funny because at home myo father made a point in my mother made a point to make sure i knew my brother, my sister, we knew we were enough. Made a point. But that was at home. Once you cross the threshold of your house then it was whatever the streets say. I think that is where it started to be snatcher me bit. Especially in school at that time if you were dark skinned i dont really talk about this in the book but if you are dark skinned like you were the ugly knones. A shout out to my family about that was the thing. If light skin with wavy hair was aan thing. Its called their girls are cute thats who they wanted to be a girlfriends and all about. The dark skinned guys the guys would run up and hit you on your behind. They didnt want t