Now we will get started. We are so happy to welcome you here. This is just a small sampling it is one of the most musical of others of her generation. She is the author of multiple books in the editor of the anthology did her work is did future publications and currently a columnist at the guardian. With the planned Parenthood Federation of america and makes the case. Fakes for coming not in this is also my neighborhood bookstore. I am excited to read from the book the first just to take a minute to say a few words about womens stories in into a talk about the consequences of women telling their stories because this is what i am thinking about recently the week before the book came about i was having a lot of trouble sleeping and anxiety and waking up with heart palpitations it is a natural reaction they think to have a book come out i has been nervous but not to this level isnt that i am ashamed of everything from or anything is a lot rages or incredible but that to watch what happens when women tell their own stories. Harassment or assaults moray a Television Show or what you wait for dinner with the pitcher ive ravioli i had cooked there is always a danger to be told that you are to solve the involved what you are told this superficial or frivolous and of course, the very real danger to make herself the target for harassment and threats that somebody knows all about. I dont mention these to say that i am so brave to share of mine because oftentimes i feel the exact opposite yes the book is incredibly personal i do feel vulnerable but it makes it easier to tell my story. After the book is published my body will be saved my family will be safe and that isnt true for a lot of people but to tell our stories about consequences is a privilege. I am grateful ikea and share my story because of the incredible work over the last 10 years and that is absolutely a direct result of the of blogging in the live turtles i have been thinking about this a lot reading from the woman at stanford that 11 Million People had written as a victim of impact statement if it had not been for a the groundwork laid to carve out the space so a lot of this i will be reading and desuetude we clear that i of an optimist that just gives me hope by want to say that. The first essay is called line violence it just came down with me it was said difficult as say but i am glad. It took me a long time to realize i is not the only goal that a Highschool Teacher would ask for a date or the guys that forgot to wear underwear so his penis was fully visible light member joking about it with my father he had to explain it wasnt an accident not the only one told to be careful when i was 12 the first time i saw my first penis on a platform two years i would lose my virginity in six years before i would fail lot of college tired of frat boy is pretty used condoms to my door i felt sick of the time. I know it is called a cycle of violence but it is linear passed down my mother told me about getting molested she called him her uncle river sitting on the bed he was eight when she came to the house and he centcom rollout. He doesnt remember what he touched ben then said nothing afterwards she went to live with it in an untenable when she was 11 per local return she told her eliot and was sent to with orphanage the next day. My grandmothers rape is my mothers molestation getting off easy with strangers fondling me on subways i remember putting my hand in my back pocket and there was ceded all over them. In one had a big red bow on his cocky masturbated in his window the cops told them he to do whatever he wanted in his own house. Just point and laugh that sense them running usually. But worse than of those violations is in a matter of if it happens or when we dont own it and that is what the book says that the frequency with which they have been hurt or sexually assaulted is a message in the dna and that hurt my daughter was i want to inoculate her from whenever it is it keeps happening and what her to have her fathers genes that walk into a rout in feel entitled to be there those that feel safe not be out of place chromosomes that turf fight or flight ready whenever is pregnant i joked about a baby boy than a baby girl turns into a teenage girl i remember i was an [null]. And having those violations because while my daughter lived in the world that knows what happens is wrong it is also a accepted as inevitable when a rich man was given probation for raping his three yearold daughter there was outrage it was a lack of punishment that often did not the fact that some men rape three roles present time we can measure and controlled that some do Little Things that was a given and given up on the expectation of a safety means to walk around in a state they watched them have been you see them on the television because to engage would be self destruction. I spoke on a panel issues of the problem with women israel speak from our power but victimization. As if forced upon us could be shaken off with a steady voice as if we have actual power to speak from it doesnt have to be an identity but it is a fact if it a world that regulate tells women theyre asking for it at a north they claim they claim is such a terrible idea something bad happen to be more accurately someone did something bad to me. With the reality started to become of more cochlear clear, i do know that survival instincts became louder the one that laughed at the men coming onto her the never be the best sex object i could be over 20 years later i still can sleep but at least now i understand why we go direct violence causes trouble we have shelters counselors is services and children that live in violent neighborhoods are more likely to develop ptsd to change their makeup so drastically wheel those that are believed get depressed or commit suicide. Despite these things we know to be true for the preponderant of evidence there is no name for what happens to women then when you catch a cold or virus your buddy lets you very worse sec youre coughing get of fever your limbs literally hurt but what diagnosis you get to your shaking hands when they whisper proceed in your ear of the way to work with a cab driver is not taking you home where you walk through any of this what you have to jump through to get to ambivalence . None of us walk away unscathed but i do know that the strategy of my default reaction. This posturing is a performance that requires strength i do not have anymore. Rolling with the punches and getting as good as we are getting. This inability to be vulnerable, the willingness to be victims even if we are does not protect us it just covers up the wreckage but no one wants to listen to our sad stories unless their smooth over with the joker nice story. No one wants to hear a woman talking or writing about pain and a way that suggested doesnt end, without a a silverlining or happy ending we are just complainers downers who dont believe we had no how good we have it. Womens pain is a backdrop, thought development to push the story long for the real protagonists. Disrupting that story means we are needing or selfish, or worst of all man haters. After altman has done to women over age is the mere act yes we love the good men in our lives and sometimes, often times the bad ones too. But that were not in a full revolution against all of them is. Men get to rape and kill woman and still come home to dinner could buy one. I started to care less about what men cared about me than my own health and happiness. Pointing and laughing and making it easier on everybody was the best way to tell her story. If you are sick and want to be well, you need to relay the details of her symptoms. Glossing over them ensures a lifetime of illness. My daughter is happy and brave. When she falls down or gets hurt the first words out of her mouth are always, im all right mommy. Im okay. And she is. I want her to be okay, always. So my refusal to keep laughing or making you comfortable may seem like a real [expletive] downer. The truth is this is what it often looks like. Telling the truth about it as ugly and as comfortable as it can be means that we wanted to change. We know it is not inevitable. I want the light of my mother and grandmother to stop here. [applause]. I went to read a couple more pages. This is is from a chapter called subways. I grew up in in queens and i think a lot of young woman who grew up in new york or cities with Public Transportation comfortably relate to this, unfortunately. The two worst times run subways. When the train car is empty or when it is credit. As a teenager, five on my cell than an empty car i would immediately leap. Even if it meant changing cars as a train moved which terrified me. If i didnt come i knew the guy sitting next to me would inevitably lift his newspaper to reveal a semi hard spot. Even if he wasnt planning on it i certainly wasnt going to sit there and worry about it. I try to train cars i didnt see but i felt that. On the worst day in eighth grade i did not notice at all. The train was credit but my mind was elsewhere. I was listening to it my walkman and think about how warm it was when i stepped out of the subway onto the 39th avenue platform. The sun sun hit my face and i was happy to be almost on. When it started to put my hands in my back pocket i felt something wet. I had made it the whole right back without noticing that a man whose face ive never seen head, on me. I wipe my hands on the lord like my jeans and looked around to see if and when he had noticed. I walk the three blocks home with my backpack going as low as possible so nobody walking behind me could see what happened or think that ip to myself. I feel the jeans off when i got home and even though most of the seamen landed on the pocket of the pants, given me to rather than just one layer protection the skin on my was still damp. I ran the time until there are , squirted in some bath gel. I wrapped up in telegram myself when i stepped stepped out of the tub been to my jeans inside out before putting them in the laundry basket. I knew she would cry. I knew her Worst Nightmare was something that happened to me that was similar to what happened to her. Later later i find out about the guy wasnt just an [expletive], he has a disorder. In the diagnostic statistical many of mental disorders they describe fodors immense recurrent in temps are rising sexual urges or banisters that involve touching or rubbing against the nonconsenting person. Their online forms for men because lets be real, theyre all most exclusively men who rub on women and girls in the trains and bars where they can do it while getting off on notice. They have handles like popular and rockhard and share stories of pictures they have so your victim gets the impression that youre working hard not to touch her and that any contact is the fault of the victim. Women are forgiving if you can make a scene like this, i was like you can help it, not like like you have prayed on them like a piece of meat. Placed a joke with my high school girlfriends that it must have some sun on my head only visible to men that says yes sir, i, i would love to see your. The First Time Ever saw one was on the platform of the entering three blocks away from my house. I just missed the train on my way to junior high so is the only other person there other than a man all the way at the other end of the platform. He was so far away only saw the outline officially, but soon i noticed his hands moving seriously and he is walking quickly towards me with his hands. I always was always scared about this and i knew i supposed to yell around but i just did there. I didnt look away or turn around and even though i felt my knees giving out my feet felt strongly planted to the ground. As another train started to pull into the step station he stopped halfway down and zipped in pulled his pants up. I asked a man and a suit for help and he didnt stop moving. When the next train came i got on the greenish you get to school. I got up onestop later it took on my parents from the station phone booth when i noticed hands and face had pins and needles from reading strangely. Every day after that my father walked me up the stairs to the platform to wait for the train with me. The booth worker let him through the gate without pain after my dad explained what happened. Give my bag of cherries from the tree that grew in our yard as a thank you every week. Has run the platform under the sun i noticed and a shape under my fathers jacket. He tried to distract me with a joke but when i asked him about a second time people up a shirt to show the metal pipe that was sticking out the top of his pants. He assured me that no cop whatever arestin for beating someone for molesting children. I invested in the pair of headphones so i would not have to listen to the thing that meant they do 12yearold girls on girls on the subway. But seen the looks and the way they mouthed the words seem threatening. One man in a business suit lifted my headphone off of one ear, came close enough that i felt his breath and softly said, take care of your for me. I started seeing it regularly on my commute i started to assume every man on the subway was thinking about showing me his penis. Anytime a man sitting next to brushes answers pants a stiffened ready to move seats if i was in that loop. To this day if im on a plane or train if a man rested his hands on his lap i became hyperaware. [applause]. So hopefully wasnt too bad for you guys. Im happy to take questions. I think theres a microphone going around if you want to. I have two questions, do things have gotten any better since you were a child and how to keep it together with all of these traumatic experiences . I joke when i say that but its also serious. I think growing up in a working parents the idea of ever going to therapy was like thats a rich person thing, you dont do that. I think you dont talk about those Mental Health as an issue especially when it comes to the impact of sexism. I think it has gotten better, id like to think so i have a kid who goes to school and for he will take the subway one day, whats really interesting is its hard for me to tell anymore because once i hit a certain age men stop saying stuff to me. Which is fine. Its awesome. But it was a very strange thing. It started to taper off when i became an adult. Then once i hit my 30s it was like shocking and awesome. I would like to think so and we certainly have, what gives me hope is that were talking about it so much more and women are sharing stories about this especially regarding street harassment. Specially theres organizations that do all of this great work around wasting awareness and working to get campaigns going. Again, im an optimist. I would like to think so. There is an article and a lot of things were directed at you and theyre not just comments, given this is a great moment for women to tell their stories, how do we keep the momentum where there is more platforms for people like that to target you . So the question of those in the back of you did not hear, i write for the guardian and they did this analysis of the comments on the site and they found that i am the number one most harassed writer on the site. Awesome, im number one. I not so shockingly, it was mostly women and men of color. And another most hated comments right here. So we have the great honor of being the most harassed writers at the guardian. The wonderful thing about a lot of Online Platforms is that you can share your stories and find support and community. A terrible thing is that there is all of this, not just like your stupid. The truth is i dont know what to do about it. Im really, really proud to work for a place like the guardian where they are taking this internal look at what they can do better to make the platform better. In terms of of social media, its a little tricky because there doesnt seems to be as sense to change anything. I will say that beyond, what happened happened to in the visual writers and in this book trying to work through what being called the [expletive] for ten years what that does to you, what i really worry about is the product locations of what it means for who is going to share their voice. I speak speak on College Campuses a lot, every single place that i speak a young woman will come up to me and said i thought i wanted to be a writer and then i see the harassments you get and i dont know. Where should i become a writer. And i cant say yeah, sure itll be fine. I be fine. I cant tell them that in good faith. I have a really big concern about the generation of voices for marginalized communities that we are losing out on. Because of the harassment. Because why would you want to put yourself in that situation. Thank you for such a great essay. Obviously you have had some terrible experiences, im wondering was there defining moment when you decided youre going to write about this or be more vocal . In terms of feminism there is not a deciding mode moment. Its a slow roll of recognizing this is where i was. But eyes really interested in with the book was not the impact of one particular experience are two particular experiences, but the chemo to the impact of all of these experiences. We have a language for if someone gets harassed or sexually assaulted, we have counselors for that we have we call them survivors, we have all these words we have no language to explain what it means to live in a culture for years on end that is largely distasteful of women. Like what does that do to you psychologically. Ive spoken to researchers and i think its fascinating who were tied by the justification theory which is the idea that the way that women sort of take this third person look at themselves almost the object find themselves because they been objective id so much of their life. The actual direct impact that has with psychological distress increases anxiety and depression. That makes sense. Makes perfect sense, but we really dont have that language yet. I dont dont know for having that conversation yet. That is too much responsibility for me. Hello, thank you for writing the book. How do you think that we can go about introducing strangers or other women and girls to stories like yours which is of course more feminists or feminist, i dont know what the best way is to do that. So. So how do we introduce more people of strangers to feminism. To a large extent it is sort of happening. Its been incredible incredible to watch about all my feminism is like before ten years ago someone was interested in feminisms because they sought it out. Now people are googling something in finding it accidentally and their finding different communities, its a different and completely different entry point. Will say that the groundwork is already laid out. That said i do think that you should try to meet people where they are at, doing this work can be really exhausting and trying to explain it to people can be really exhausting. That is what i think is so wonderful and so much of the feminism that pop culture is an entry point to feminism. So theres all kinds of ways to get a people and to get them talking. So working about feminism change my life. I was working in politics, howev