[ theme music ] stephanie hello, Kathleen Madigan all three hours live in studio. A comedy confection. Love her. Stephanie Jacki Schechner you know im a helper. What did you do . Stephanie well, i was trying to help the other member of our thruple, Melissa Fitzgerald, because she is moving near me as you rub it in go ahead. Stephanie i went to help her unpack, brought a battle of champagne as a house warming gift and guess how much unpacking we gone done . Not very much. Stephanie none. We started drinking and then crying about stuff chick talk and then im like okay. [ buzzer ] stephanie all right. Here is the real helper on the show. Jacki schechner in the current news center. Good morning, everybody. North korea says it plans to violate the nearly 60yearold ceasefire agreement that ended the korean war. The u. S. And china agreeing on a draft resolution on sanctions last month. This time the nation says because of u. S. south korea military drills that started march 1st it plans to launch surgical strikes at anytime beginning march 11th. The u. S. Is concerned that they are getting closer to developing nuclear missiles. And claims this is a response to u. S. Hostility. The Senate Intelligence commit see the expected to vote on the nomination of john brennan as the new director of the cia. Senate majority leader harry reid, is spectacle that republicans may or may not filibuster the confirmation vote. Republican senator continue to cite lingering questions over the september attack on our consulate in benghazi. And secretary of state john kerry is speaking to cnn about his first step. Were back after the break. Stay with us. Billy zane stars in barabbas. Coming in march to reelz. To find reelz in your area, go to reelz. Com from silver screens. To flat screens. Twizzlerize your entertainment everyday with twizzlers the twist you cant resist. Dont let it get to you. Try mach3 sensitive, with three highdefinition blades. A closer shave in a single stroke for less irritation, even on sensitive skin. Get closer to the one you love. Gillette mach3 sensitive. Gillette. The best a man can get. [ theme music ] announcer ladies and gentlemen, its the Stephanie Miller show im walking on sunshine woe ho im walking on sunshine, woe ho its time to feel good hey all right now its time to feel good stephanie of course it is. It is the Stephanie Miller show. Six minutes after the hour 1800steph12 the phone number toll free from anywhere. [ magic wand ] stephanie loooook its our delightful comedy confection, Kathleen Madigan. Good morning. I was hoping this wasnt on television anymore. Because my hair looks weird. [ laughter ] and then i thought i would wear a hat, and then i thought i would look like my brother. Stephanie for get our careers, its all about the weirdness of your hair kathleen. Exactly. Stephanie i feel like were in some sort of parallel universe, where you have quit smoking. [ dramatic music ] yes, the hammer. Because i had to have teeth pulled and bone grafts or who knows what all they did, i was so high. So i have two spleens now. Awesome. Stephanie yeah. My brother goes whatever you do dont smoke. I go why . And he goes dry socket. And he said its the worst thing ever, i cant even talk about it. So i thought it must be horrible. And then they gave me a little vicodin, and i was so high and nothing has scared me ever cancer, who cares, i had the whole thing planned out but dry socket. Dry socket no. Yeah and i also can kind of write with my right hand. I dont want to brag. So i no idea what it is. I imagined it. There is some sort of blood clot involved, and then you spit up blood oh i made that part up and then i have to wear a veil from my nose down forever, but then if im more popular, because people go, oh look its the lady in the veil. I dont have to work so hard as to not be confused can kathy griffith. Kathy do you still have your jaw . Theres a difference. Please book me on fallon. Stephanie only Mitch Mcconnell can understand you then. Mitch mcconnell knows exactly what you are talking about. So many women have too much stuff shot into their lips. Can we just get mitch out here for a week and help him out. I go, i cant listen to you lizard man. Stephanie they do whole face transplants. Yes, get him a lip donor. Stephanie mick jagger. Yeah, he has a lot. Stephanie normally you go up on the roof at the top of every hour to smoke. Now what are you going to say about me . Awkward at the breaks. The lady is supposed to leave. What is happening. [ applause ] stephanie thats the other weird aspect of our parallel universe is i have cut down on drinking. I have decided my solution is a little bit of a problem. Its a shift. Stephanie i didnt quit. Lets not get all programy. Have you apologized to everyone you have ever known for everything you have ever done. Oh, god, dont you hate those phone calls . Have you ever gotten one of those phone calls its really awkward. I want to apologize for that time i dont even remember what it was. And then you feel bad, because you are like dude i dont remember either. Stephanie i drink enough, that i didnt know what he was talking about. It was at a Radio Convention and he was like no, i really want to say im sorry. And im like okay. Do i have chlamydia . What . Stephanie what did you give me . [ laughter ] i started drinking cudzu tea. To help cut down on the booze. It supposedly diminishes cravings for alcohol. Well see. Stephanie just two days ago he came in and said i should not drink vodka it makes me angry. I broke some furniture. Vodka makes me angry as well. It has nothing to do with the internal anger we might be harboring. Beer doesnt develop it. Nothing. Wine. Nothing. Beer makes me gassy. [ laughter ] [ farting sounds ] stephanie and that makes us angry. Jim, stop with the beer. There has to be something as a drinker, i would like to help you find your garden of eden. Stephanie i was telling, Jacki Schechner that i brought a bottle of champagne to welcome Melissa Fitzgerald into the neighborhood and we were going to unpack and guess how much unpacking we got done . [ bell chimes ] [ applause ] stephanie we were drinking, crying, and then i was like all right. I wouldnt have been helpful anyway, she would be like why did you put my shoes in the freezer. [ laughter ] [ world news tonight theme ] Stephanie Jim, this is in ohio, and i think the pressure of the sequestration has finally made john boner crack. Drunken man cursed at bags of tobacco and then confessed his love for a urinal. That makes about as much sense as what he said to David Gregory. [ world news tonight theme ] stephanie his explanation for the sequester. Stephanie Police Officers arrested a man that was so drunk he not only was talking to tobacco bags and swearing at them, he confessed his love to a urinal. They were called to get an apparent drunk man under control. It appears the man was trying to have a conversation with a bottle of vodka well, who does dont that. I dont speak russian. Stephanie did you speak to your bottle of vodka before it made you angry. You are breaking furniture and he is falling in love with urinals. Dont blame it on the vodka. There are other issues. I feel the same way about vodka, though, it is evil. Thats why stalin was so angry. Yeah, three cosmos i have no idea what city i am in. And they made it look so good on sex in the city. Stephanie and you have a hard enough time knowing which city you are in anyway. I send you invitations to parties, and you are always like no, but dont take me off of the list. Thats right. Stephanie okay. Officers say the man speech was tlured and the conversation he was having with the bottle made no sense. [ bell chimes ] [ applause ] stephanie during the stay in jail Authorities Say the man began confessing his love for a urinal. Thats a lot of emotion in one evening for that guy. He had to be really tired the next day. There is a lot going on. [ laughter ] stephanie somebody was saying we have been talking about if you saw meet the press the boner has that darting lizard tongue, and jan from milwaukee said steph i worked in the drug and alcohol field for a long time and i suspect that john boners lip smacking and slurring has to do with long term alcoholism. And he sweats a lot. Stephanie now theres the marco rubio rule no matter how cotton mouthy he was he was not going to drink water. What was that . Dry socket. Stephanie right. Maybe he had dry socket. No. [overlapping speakers] [ buzzer ] Stephanie Jim louise ward i knew you were eventually going to get to that joke. About dry socket. We used to have a sponsor that cure had in. Stephanie okay. Lets get to the hate letter because this is exhibit, a why i drink. The subject line is wow, how does that normally end for me . Not well at all. It starts with wow, that sounds like of happy. Fun wow fun wow stephanie because im not that bright, i am always sort of hopeful that that means, wow, you are great. Stephanie funny, pretty. But it never ends that way. This is from robert. Wow i just caught a few minutes of your show for the first and last time today, you are an idiot and you prove that every day on your lame show. The only people listening to it are other idiots like you. Spreading your liberal lies again with your head oh, bad grammar again with your head is so far up your ass, ass capitalized. God loves us all. David. Oh, he ends with a prayer. Stephanie he doesnt say if liberal idiot are you know who is a liberal . Jesus. I think that guy tweeted me. The fbi had all of these fan letters from Whitney Houston crazy people, and they kept track of them. And im like oh, now. This person is saying they are coming to my house to kill me sorry, dont follow them. Now a warning . At least he signed his name. Stephanie yeah. Last name . Uhhuh. Did he really . I got to give him credit as a crazy person stephanie yeah no matter how bad they are, i never say their last name. You could give out their email address . Stephanie right. But i dont. Its part of my new amends program. Oh, god. We do expect a phone call. Stephanie i dont have enough time to call you. Start calling everyone stephanie i just have to count on your desperation for ememployment. 19 minutes after the hour. Back with more kathleen live in studio on the Stephanie Miller show. Announcer call stephanie now, she is easy. 1800steph12. Give them leg room, good. Destroy boring car interiors forever. And thats how you do it. Easy. [ male announcer ] its red lobsters lobsterfest our Largest Selection of lobster entrees like lobster lovers dream or new grilled lobster and lobster tacos. Come in now and sea food differently. Visit redlobster. Com now for an exclusive 10 coupon on two lobsterfest entrees. They think this world isnt big enough for the both of them. But we assure you it is. Bites. Little greatness. Save them. Woolite everyday cleans your jeans and wont torture your tanks. Woolite washed clothes look like new, longer. Current tv is the place for true stories. With Award Winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines. Real, gripping, current. Documentaries. On current tv. Announcer Stephanie Miller. I got your number i need to make you mine announcer Stephanie Miller. Dont change your number stephanie it is the Stephanie Miller show. Welcome to it. Twentyfour minutes after the hour. 1800steph12. Kathleen madigan you enjoy viking violence in yeah, old school all of a sudden you are standing there, and there is a spear in your head for no reason. Thats the type of shows i tape. I love doomsday tapers. Oh god. They say im at costco right now stalking up. They are married. Oh, my god. I cant believe the extremes where is the money coming from . I so many questions . Stephanie only god knows the exact level of your crazy. All right. Lets see diane in tennessee you are on with kathleen. Hi, diane, welcome. Caller thank you. I just wanted to say i discovered chattoe chocolate. I just put it in a glass and walk around with mommys chocolate milk all day. Chocolate wine . You could have a chocolate lecure isnt there chocolate vodka. Stephanie yes. How about coffee vodka. They make that. Its espresso vodka. My friend gave me a bottle of birthday cake vodka. It tastes exactly like birthday cake. [ mumbling ] and if you mix it with Pineapple Juice it tastes like pineapple upside down cake. Stephanie you are right its better when you get fancy cake, its not as good as the cheap cake. Cheap cake is always the best. Thats why i dont like to go to fancy weddings i like to call ahead and said, can i bring a cheap cake . You are going to spend 80,000 on a cake that is going to suck. Look i can bring a birthday cake from the Grocery Store for 8. 99. Stephanie linda in riverside. Caller good morning, how is everybody today . Stephanie were good. Caller last year i got my husband tickets for his 60th birthday to see the sexy liberal show in los angeles. This ends a little bit sad you might want to put on sad music. [ sad music ] caller our three sexy liberal sons and their wives were very jealous. The big day came had the tickets taped to the refrigerator, we left extra early because were about an hour and a half from l. A. , and i i didnt eat and then went we got there so early that there was this cute little bar right next to the theater stephanie all right. Go ahead. Caller oh, my god oh my god, the bartender there was very friendly. I usually drink a little bit of beer, and i didnt want to pee all night, so i had a cocktail. I had a long island ice tea, and then some very, very friendly people that were coming to your show as well came in and they decided to buy everybody drinks. And we got into the show and probably about ten minutes i made before the room started spinning stephanie oh, dear. Caller oh, my god, i think im going to have to go to the bathroom. He walks me to the bathroom finally after about a half hour he had to send a nice cute little girl that works there to get my head out of toilet. Anyway my husband held me up and walked me to the car. I cried. Stephanie oh. Caller i didnt believe i did this oh my god. And all the way home i was throwing up stephanie i think the moral is, she stopped drinking and well get her tickets to the next one. Young turks is that were honest. They know that im not bsing them with some hidden agenda, actually supporting one party or the other. When the democrats are wrong, they know that im going to be the first one to call them out. They can question whether im right, but i think that the audience gets that this guy, to the best of his ability, is trying to look out for us. Announcer Stephanie Miller. Armed with nothing more than a great set of incisors mother beaver gets to lumber jacking. Those teeth of hers never stop growing. If she didnt wear them down every day, they would soon outgrow her head. [ laughter ] oh boy. Stephanie thats as good of explanation as i have heard. [ laughter ] stephanie 1800steph12 the phone number toll free from anywhere. All right. Pundit bah bah bah, bah there he is. Stephanie good morning rudeness. Good morning. Stephanie how are you sir . Im awake. Stephanie with you and Kathleen Madigan here at the same time im afraid of some rude cosmic comedy explosion. Yeah. I saw you two years ago, and you did great with sweaty hippies and a tent. Thank you. I was very concerned about these situations. I was like they are not here for comedy, they are here for air conditioning. Yeah, it was just hippy sweat. Stephanie i love the smell of hippy sweat in the morning. Rudeness a lot of people have written great stuff about the sequester. But no one writes better and more rudely than you in my personal opinion. Well, thank you. Stephanie because you put it in a Historical Context as you do as a himpy liberal professor. Thats right. Stephanie you say there is a third part that thinks are you [ censor bleep ], are we really doing this [ censor bleep ] catastrophe dance again . Oh [ censor bleep ] with a rake. Which would be uncomfortable. Stephanie yes, one wonders what your weekends are like and your yard work . [ laughter ] stephanie you say republicans crave crisis. It is their water, their air, their food. And i see exactly what you mean when you put it in Historical Context like that. Yeah, there is crisis after crisis that they keep coming up with. You need us because there is this crisis that needs to be gotten through, and were the only ones that can do it. Stephanie even though we caused it. Right stephanie without crisis people would realize how about we spend some money on education or [ censor bleep ] we need. Right. Every time there is some distraction that is, again, manufactured, and these manufactured crises, first of all they enrich a lot of the donors of the gop and the democrats, but certainly the base donors of the gop, and it plays to sort of the basist instincts of the electorate and therefore we get people voting for the house of representatives we have now. Stephanie you say does it even need to be said that the bush years was one long crisis. Now the gop needs another crisis to extent its brand of politics so we have debt and the debt ceiling, and more. Nearly every crisis in this country has been manufactured by the Republican Party as a means of and the current sequester and upcoming debt ceiling are part and parcel of that. And its just going to keep happening. Yeah, and we used to not have the debt ceiling fight like this. It used to not being brought not just being brought to the brink, but actually getting to the point where our Credit Rating is low erred, and the world feels threatened by our inability to get our finances in order, simply to say that there is not going to be interruption or constant crises. Stephanie yeah. And now were all and now the nation is is told we need to panic over this when its just simply not true. Im looking at an article right now, that says paul krugman is right for having the wrong conversation. Stephanie yeah. You point out the same thing i have been screaming about. The chyron on meet with press is are both parties to blame . And you say if someone sets a