Show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen hey whooo its hot hey, everybody, up there. Hey, over here, down there. Whats going on, marcus . Welcome to the late show. Everybody. Thats nice. Welcome to the late show. Thank you so much, everybody. Welcome one, welcome all. Im Stephen Colbert, your host this evening. And there is huge news in the election. Rino that Hillary Clinton is tied with donald trump. That is amazing. Isnt that amazing . Right now, the exact same number of americans dont want to vote for hillary as dont want to vote for donald trump. Its completely its very i dont know. Does this mean im not sure what this means, what i am doing right here. But it feels right. Ever since the damning f. B. I. Report about Hillary Clintons though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We dont know. laughter and now, now, now shes in a dead heat, a dead heat with donald trump, even though in the key swing states of ohio and pennsylvania, and this is true, trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. cheers and applause zero so obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be 3 . We dont know. At this point, theyre matched absolutely perfectly even. At this point, the future of our country is basically, its basically, its a coin toss, okay, all right, so lets do it right now. Lets figure out what it is going to be, heads, clinton, tails be trump. Lets see who the next president is going to be, and. I dont. All right. A little queasy, a little queasy. Of course those polls might be about to change dramatically because donald trump, i dont know if you know this because you have been waiting to get in to the show. Donald trump has made his Vice President ial pick. Yeah. It came down to chris christie, indiana governor mike pence and former speaker of the house, newt gingrich, a Diverse Group if you go by bowling ability. Theyre all over the map. But now trump has made his selection. Breaking news from campaign 2016. Cbs news has learned that donald trump has chosen the governor of indiana, mike pence. Stephen thats right. Mike pence and you can tell from the is electric, you may know mike pence from not knowing who mike pence is. laughter but indiana governor mike pence is no stranger to headlines. Headlines like, who is indiana governor mike pence . laughter cheers and applause now, it turns out when the story that trump picked him was being reported, trump hadnt called so mike, if you are watching, surprise. Going to be fun. Its going to be fun, i promise you. Good choice. Good choice. Yay pence. The question is, of course, why pence . Well, trump has said for weeks now, he was looking for an attack dog. And the whitehaired square jawed pence might be just the ticket. As a matter of fact, we just got some footage of mike pence debating the democrats in the take that take that, medical family leave hey. Hey. Thank you. Im not sure if you are applauding that joke or you just love johnny quest so much. Hey. Though i got to say, trump may not let haji into the country. Well have to see. No, its true. Its his policy, not mine. His policy, not mine. You know what i love . I love conspiracy theories. Or do i . laughter only the illuminati know for sure. So right now im very suspicious about this footage from the International Space station where you can see a white object traveling down heading toward earth moving pretty fast and just as it enters the earths atmosphere, the feed cuts out, all right. This made a lot of noise this coverup. But nasa claims the stream can sometimes be lost due to technical difficulties while Live Streaming from the International Space station. Oh really . Well, what is more likely that a camera mounted on a space station orbiting the earth at five miles a second had a connection problem . Or that aliens have invaded . Its occams razor. Occam, by the way, is the name of the alien race that will enslave us all eventually. And theyve got razors for hands thats what this was. Thats what this was. I dont know if thats true but it seems like the simplest answer. Now i have a lot of friends at nasa, and i will tell you exactly what is going on here, because i have the inside scoop. The inside scoop is, this is why the Government Cut the feed, its stephen i would like to apologize to nasa and i also want to thank the fine people of our armed forces, who keep this planet safe from. Nothing, at all. Now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Hey. Hey, thank you very much. Youre very kind. Please. cheers and applause couple of orders of business. Next week, next week we are doing shows live, all week long after the Republican National convention. So you see it there, we make fun so please join us. And it is going to be a live show. Were going to be broadcasting from this spot from 11 30 to 12 30, so, i dont know who the sponsors of the show are, but my sponsors will be red bull and adderall, okay. I also want to share one other thing. Theres a guy in the audience here tonight cheers and applause the guy, this guy, the guy out there, how long ago did this happen, sir . You actually ran into me in times square. cheers and applause how long ago . How long ago was this in time square . Eight months ago. Eight months ago in time square. You ran up to my car. I had my window down and you thrust your head through the window and you you you did this. laughter stephen all right . Thats a really good photo and your phone will be returned to you after security has a good look at it. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here tonight. Ill put that right over there. Thats nice. You know, i forgive you. I forgive you. If you will forgive me for showing that photo. You know, as a catholic i often ask myself what would jesus do to fill the next six minutes of air time . laughter well, obviously, for sweeps, he do the loaves and the fishes and walking on the water and raising of the dead. Those are crowd pleasers, but after all i would like to think he would offer forgiveness for our sins. And that sounds nice. So i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. You wont tell anybody, right . This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause standard disclaimer. Im not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay. Ill be right back. Told my daughter i sold a bunch of her Girl Scout Cookies at work, when i really just ate them in my car. laughter audience, audience, im not on facebook, but if i was, i still wouldnt care about your trip to italy. laughter i always get a little sad and panicked when they tell me my hamburger comes with a choice of laughter cheers and applause not only do i not blame my farts on the dog, but when the dog farts, i take credit. laughter sometimes, sometimes i wish i had more health problems, because the people in the pharmaceutical ads have more picnics than i do. laughter i tell kids that after hes done delivering presents every year, santa gives birth to next years santa. laughter hes not fat, hes pregnant. Eating something really healthy just before i die. laughter laughter cheers and applause when someone starts telling me about a dream they had, i start having a dream about punching them. laughter audience, when im ordering at the mcdonalds drive thru speaker, i pretend to yell at my kid in the back seat, so they dont know the happy meal is for me. laughter do you want the shake with that, billy . laughter when i get a full body scan at screen will give me one of these. laughter i once burned a boat just to collect the insurance money, and only later remembered that i dont own a boat. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. If you feel to need forgiveness for Something Like saying the line wrong that was in the prompter just now, tweet it to me with the hashtag late show confessions. Well be right back with mr. Bill maher. cheers and applause . Midnight confessions. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. 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No baby boomer ever shared a pair of pants with me. band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight has been calling b. S. Since 1993. Please welcome bill maher. Thank you. Stephen im so glad youre back. Now, why dont you put the chair over there . Stephen why . Because were entering on the wrong side for sitting down. Stephen really . Im just stephen thats how johnny did it. Johnny came in over here and came across his desk and sat down. Johnny who . Im a millennial. Stephen my apologies how are you enjoying the pokemon go are you enjoying it . Pikachu enjoying it, in i havent tried it. Stephen i didnt have a question, i was just saying how much i enjoyed having you on. Great, because i didnt prepare either. Stephen but i really did, the last time were you here, one of my favorite interviews i ever had or been a part of. Like playing tennis with serena williams. Youre a quick. I am a strong black woman. laughter now one of the things though, when you were here in november you said that trump was wearing off. He is. Stephen between now and november cheers and applause but now between, you said in november he was wearing off there had been no primaries and i said i wanted you to come back to serve you a big bowl of trump when he started winning primaries. And you doubted that that would happen. What a horrible thought. Stephen a bowl of trump. A bowl of trump is. Stephen you dont know what a bowl of trump is . I dont remember this. Stephen some trump steaks, do you want some trump steaks . Uhhuh. A little trump wine. A little trump wine. Something like that. cheers and applause and of course, something orange. Something orange. Do you want to . Because he won. He won, you doubted he would win. You find the place where you were right and the guest was wrong and then you invite them stephen its so rare, though. I got to celebrate the times that i am right. What i remember is that when everybody else said that donald trump was not serious about running for president , i always said no, i think he is. laughter stephen yeah. Thats what i remember. Stephen yeah. Are you surprised at all that he got the nomination . I think everybody was surprised that he got the nomination. Stephen oh great, maybe you should eat that bowl. But maybe we shouldnt be. I mean, i had a guest on the show who was telling me that actually it is not surprising, because first of all, americans are not logical. Stephen no, were very emotional. And he does not appeal to logic. I mean its not about policy. Its about a feeling. And that feeling is that, you know who has gotten a raw break in america . laughter thats what he is selling. Always like, hillary is playing the woman card, that card the women always play by being born female. Stephen but its going to be great for the women, like never before. Hes going to be great for the women and the blacks love him and he is going to win the latinos. Hes going to win everybody. But i do take your point that we have not quite figured out how to defeat donald trump yet. And i think what we have to do is what they do in serial killer movies. laughter you know, in serial killer movies, the cops can never figure out how to defeat the serial killer. So they get another serial killer to work with them to figure out how to and thats what we stephen who is the serial killer . We have to find another narcissistic billionaire. Im thinking el chapo. Stephen por favor, amigo. Putin, putin might be a nice person. Putin is a great ally of his. Stephen putin compliments trump, trump compliments putin, its symbiotic. That is all he responds to. Stephen compliments. Yes. Stephen have you interviewed him. Stephen trump. I thought you meant putin. I have not. When he sued me, he kept saying, the reason why we have this feud is because i wont do his show. Like i give a bleep if he ever did my show. applause stephen a lot of people think a lot of people say, a lot of his critics say that donald trump is dumb. I dont think hes dumb, actually. He seems like a smart guy who is just using his smartness in a way that i dont agree with. Hes smart in a certain way, i will give you that. I mean he never lost touch with his high school bully, you know. But that doesnt really make him smart. He doesnt know anything. He doesnt know anything. I mean, brexit was a big issue recently. They asked him about brexit, you know, brexit, right . Stephen big fans. Big fans. Big fans of the end of the World Economy out there. Well, they asked him about brexit a couple of weeks before it happened. And what . Okay, sure, they had to define it for him. He didnt know what the kurds the idea that someone is going to be president and just learning things. Hes like a baby with a mobile over brexit. Stephen fresh eyes. Fresh eyes. applause not the way the country is supposed to work. Stephen were you on tv last week . Did you have a show last week . No, we were off last week, that is why i am here. Stephen so were we. You have a show this friday. Absolutely, sir. Stephen how do you begin to approach . Thats right. Nicely done. Nicely done. We have to take a little break. And when we come back, well talk about bills show on friday, tomorrow. applause by iron wine. . . We all want whats best for our kids. Introducing mcdonalds new chicken mcnuggets. Made with 100 white meat chicken and no artificial colors, flavors and now no artificial preservatives. Today were talking about automotive awards. What if i told you there was a car company that received all of these awards . One company won an award in all of these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy chevrolet is the most awarded car company over the last two years. I love it im just going to stay in here, is that okay . 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It was one of sort of the saddest weeks on memory, given a change, many sad weeks weve had in this country and around the world. Right. Stephen do you have any reflections on what happened last week . Yeah, on both sides of it. Im a bit of a cynic. I think civilization is a mile wide and an inch deep. Without the police on the job, you know, that movie the purge, it would be that every day. Without the police. Stephen i believe that there should be a social order and there should be some authority. Right, and without it, you know stephen not an anarchist. In two days would you eat my liver. laughter and it wouldnt be good for you. Stephen yeah. Anybody shoots a policeman, you know, its just abhorrent. And you know, theres no ands, ifs or buts about it, so i dont condone it, but i understand it. I mean, you can only look at so many videos of shooting unarmed black people. Im surprised it actually didnt happen before. So Stephen Kennedy said famously that those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable. Stephen and black lives Matter Movement is trying to raise awareness of the fact that this has been going on for a long time and it comes, is paid attention to and then it passes. Well, this goes back to, well, certainly before. But on tape, rodney king. Rodney king was what, 1991 . 92, Something Like that. I mean we all looked at that tape and we thought, how can these cops get away with this . You know, no matter what rodney king did, lead them on a chase, there are six guys whaling on him with a baton and somehow he gets off. I mean, there is something wrong here that has to be addressed. So obviously violence is wrong on both sides. But you know, ive been talking about Police Culture in this country for a long time. Like i say, we all need the police. I think we respect them, but there is something wrong with Police Culture. And i dont think most policeman are bad people at all, or would do the things we see on tape, and i think that stephen do you think its different now, do you think its worse than it used to be or do you think that we just get to see some of the abuses of authority now . Well, thats true too. We see it more. I certainly dont think its any better. I think we just see it. And i think the police, kind of like the priesthood, they attract the wrong kind of people sometimes. Sorry. laughter stephen thats all right. But its kind of true. You know, i mean, i think into police work because they were the person who, when they were young, they had no authority. They were kind of losers and now they want to have the ability to lord it over people, you know. The Police Department cannot be revenge for high school. And we have to weed out stephen are you thinking of a few people . Or are you sort of painting with a broad brush there . We dont know. We dont know. But certainly, ive seen enough videos to know