To happen. Too late. Here i am. laughter tonight, stephen welcomes kevin hart. Taylor schilling. And rupaul charles. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen whats going on . Hey, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah. Very nice. Welcome to the show, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome welcome, everybody cheers and applause feels good. Thats very nice. You guys feel good . Welcome. Thank you so much. Well, that is that is you knowha you know what you call that . You know what you call those people . That is a friday night audience right there. cheers and applause no doubt about it. Jon yeah stephen yeah. Which it definitely is. This is definitely friday and ill prove it because look right here. Ive got thursdays paper. And i bought it yesterday. You do the math, okay. Hey, have you seen this, speaking of headlines. Its called mac n cheetos. And its mac and cheese covered in cheeto dust and deep fried. cheers and applause yeah. I would give anything for that not to sound fantastic to me. Because its good. The fry at the end there gets you. That fry just pulls you in at the last minute. This. Food . Is the result of such advanced scientific engineeringat you listen carefully you can hear individual macaronis whispering kill me. Kill me. But remember, the mac n cheetos are available for a limited time only. And if you eat them, so are you. laughter applause theyll last forever. Theyll be here. A single serving of that will be here long after were all gone. Speaking of things that last researchers have just found that the Great Pyramid of giza is slightly lopsided, with the west side measuring about 5. 5 inches longer than the east side. Now, for thousands of years, we have marveled at the ability of ancient people to build an incredible monument with such precision. So i just want to say. In your face, ancient egypt your socalled Great Pyramid is 61 onethousandths of 1 off from being perfect. I guess its true what they say about ancient hebrew slave labor you get what you pay for jon oh, oh stephen sorry, no. Shoddy workmanship. Meanwhile, here in new york, its pride weekend. applause thats the pride. Thats the pride. It kicked off tonight with a huge rally, which according to the website, featured a cheers and applause some fans here. Im so glad bob the builder is finally living his truth. Bob the drag queen. Can we work it . Of course, the main event is the pride parade. Its a special day where the l. G. B. T. Q. Community takes to the streets to show the doubters that they can snarl traffic just as well as straight people. Speaking of new york, id like to take a moment to salute a local hero, a queens resident, named Nelson Hidalgo. Last saturday, hidalgo was arrested for a disturbance. And not the kind you usually hear about in queens a pigeon fighting over an old lady with a calzone. Im sorry that should have been a pigeon fighting over a calzone with an old lady. Jon reverse reverse stephen its friday. No, Nelson Hidalgo was arrested for blasting music from his van, which has 80 speakers in it. Which explains his bumper sticker, if this vans a rockin, dont come a knockin. Because no one will be able to hear you over the speakers. Now, hidalgo evidently cranked it up and ripped off the knob, or the knob just rattled off from all the vibrations, because complaints including one that came from the bullpen at citi field where the mets were taking on the braves. The coach was even overheard saying, whos on first . No, really, who . I cant hear you over the damn music even more impressive, when hidalgo was arrested, he was sitting in the passenger seat with a coors light. cheers and applause is there some kind of law against having a good time . There is . Its called an open container law . Ill drink to that. laughter then put that down over there. Then he told the arresting officer, i know its illegal, but its the weekend. cheers and applause thats nice. You know, the weekend. When tle out of jail and say, see you monday now, i really would liked to have met hidalgo in person. And i used all of the cbs resources at my disposal to try and get Nelson Hidalgo on the show tonight, and im not kidding. We cannot locate the guy. We even tried stepping outside and just listening. Nothing. So let me address him directly right over the television. Nelson, dont let johnny law because no matter how many speakers are on your party van, youre still not the loudest person from queens. cheers and applause yeah hey now, say hello to our friend jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . . . . cheers and applause stephen before we go any further, there is something i need to address. Like most shows, we here at the late show use closed hearing impaired viewers, or our viewers at the gym, or anyone who has to watch the show on mute because my voice is too damn seductive. Come with me to the chamber of pleasure. cheers and applause lets go down. And, apparently, there was a slight mistake in the closed captioning during my int with our friend Michael Ian Black last week. He had just bought a hot tub and i was asking him about it. Jim . Stephen the other big news on you, and tell me if this is true, you bough a hot tub. Hell, yeah, i bought a hot tub stephen okay, seems like a simple conversation, no problem there. But this is what cbs broadcast on closed caption. I bought a hot Harriet Tubman. laughter this is problematic for so many reasons. I mean, for one, hot Harriet Tubman . Thats laughter applause thats redundant. Lets go down. laughter but id like to assure everyone on Michael Ian Blacks behalf Harriet Tubman. And also as it was captioned just moments later he does not spend most of his time in the hot Harriet Tubman. laughter applause by the way. Not true. Its not true he didnt say it. It was closed captioned. By the way, im officially turning down michaels invitation to join him in his hot Harriet Tubman. Im flattered. Its just not my scene. Would like to apologize to my hearing impaired viewers. Im sorry that the closed caption during my interview with Michael Ian Black were mistranscribed. I also want to apologize to Harriet Tubman, who helped free over 300 people, truly a great emancipator. And i hope we can put this unfortunate incident behind us. Now, stick around, weve got kevin hart after the break. Well be right back. . . . Nexium 24 hour introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. Nexium 24hr. The easytoswallow tablet is here. 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There is not a day that i dont think about david. When i saw donald trump attack another gold star mother, i felt such a sense of outrage. She was standing there, she had nothing to say. If donald trump cannot respect a gold star family, then why would anyone in america think he would respect them. . . . applause stephen welcome back, everybody. But one of the biggest stars in the world. His latest project is the secret life of pets. Derek, you idiot. Did they all get away . Uhhh. That was a close one oh, nuts yes we got one oh, good for you guys. Yay oh, yes, tiny dog. Haha uhoh. Just ignore what just happened. Okay . Ahaha. Yes stephen please welcome, kevin hart . . . applause hello hello hello its amazing, isnt it . Good for you. Stephen people very excited about kevin hart. Oh, stop it stop that stephen wait a second. Thats an amazing response, but you must be used to that because youre one of the few comedians in the world, you sell out huge arenas. Like the o2 arena in london, Madison Square garden. And whats the big arena down in from. We did 53,000 people. Im what do you call it, a big deal. Yeah. cheers and applause stephen thats nice. How do you play how do you play a joke to 53,000 people . How do you, like, hold a room like that, man . Well, i think i pride myself on making those rooms intimate rooms. Im a storyteller, so when you tell a story the beauty of doing it with an amazing audience is captivating the audience with every word until the punchline comes. I paint pictures but theyre realistic pictures. At the end of the day, you can put yourself in my shoes and you can see yourself in my stories because my stories are relatable. I dont separate myself. Stephen its good to know why people love you. I wouldnt want it to be a mystery. No, you have to make sure you never lose sight of reality, and regardless of any success that stephen you really think you can hold on to reality . Youre so huge. You hit 30 Million People on twitter today. I did everybody danced around the world. I tweeted, dance. I just hit 30 million. I want everybody to dance. And i really believe everybody danced. Stephen all right, all right. Youve got so many other things going. You have two movies out right now at the same time. You have the secret life of pets. Youve got Central Intelligence with dwayne johnson. Yes, thank you, thank you, stephen secret life of pets you play kind of a militant white bunny. Stephen white bunny. Okay. I do not think of you as a militant white bunny. First of all, i took it because i wanted to play somebody white. laughter applause you know, i jumped at the opportunity. Stephen uhhuh. I said im not going to get this opportunity a lot. I said ill take it. Its a bunny. It dont matter. Hes white. I want to do it. The bunny is he is starting a revolution. This guy is in charge of taking this group of pets and turning them against humans. And i was like, thats me. I do that all the time. I brought my characteristic traits to the bunny. And they loved it. They allowed me to improv and play around as much as possible. It came out good. Stephen do you have pets of your own . I do have pets. I have two dogs. Stephen do you think when youre not around theyre doing the kinds of things these animals are doing . They have a secret life . 100 . And a minpin. Stephen whats a minpin . A minpin is a small version of what the big dog is. Stephen oh, minipincher. I did it as a joke. I bought it as a joke. When people come to my house, they say, oh wow, look at the big doberman hes got a little one, too stephen do people do that . No. Nobody has done it, and it has pissed me off. Its made me feel like the little one was a waste of money. Nobody gets it. Youre there for a punchline. Stephen i hope that dog is not watching right now. It would be really depressing to find out you were just there for a punchline. That dog was doing stuff when i was gone. That dog cooked potato salad one day, i know he did. Listen, i dont know how to make potato salad, and my lady cant cook. I came home, potato salad was on the table. Who cooked the potato salad . Had to be the dog. Stephen thats logical. 100 pure logic. Thats my dogs though, i love them. I have become do my fiance has turned me into a dog guy. I wasnt, i can admit it. I was against pets. But see, thats what women do. Stephen were you against all pets . I was against bleep that could mess my house up. I didnt want nothing that could mess my house up. Stephen how did she turn you into a dog person . Its what women do, man. They make you do what you dont want to do. Thats what women do. cheers and applause thats a talent that women have. They beat you down. I dont know how she did it. I think she asked me for two years straight. And one day i might have been and the next thing i know, we get these dogs. And now the dogs sleep in the bed. I have no sayso in it. My doberman, i woke up, this dogs respect level is so low. Her face is on my face. And im like, what are you doing . And shes going growling . Stephen youre talking about the dogs still, right . You crossed over between making you do things you dont want to do. My lady lets it happen. I dont even have control over i come there, and the dogs are in the bed. I have to find a position to sleep in. And he looks for the comfort spot. And im like, thats me. Excuse me i dont want to wake anybody up. Stephen how about i sleep across the bottom of the bed right here . I take this nook version of the bed thats left for me. I dont explain about it. Stephen you also have other projects going at the same time. I dont know how you even have time to be here right now because youve also got a Digital Partnership called laugh out loud with lionsgate. Im going to be honest with you. I dont even know what day it is. Right now, im sleeping. This is how i sleep. Stephen its friday, its friday. Its friday here but i got to be someplace else tomorrow. I dont know what day its going to be there. I have to be out of the country. Honestly, im working a lot, man. I love the load that i have. You know, it is a lot, and i put a lot on my plate but at the end of the day god doesnt give you anything you cant handle. And im a Firm Believer that im im doing it at the highest of my potential. Im not only handling it but im in love with it. Im in love with my craft. Im in love with the fact that im succeeding. cheers and applause stephen thats fantastic. Im happy, im happy. Stephen thats a great feeling. Thats an amazing feeling. Stephen can you hang on, and well talk a little bit more . What if i said no . Stephen you know what i would do . We would come back and i would weep into the camera for about five minutes. In that case i can hang on. Stephen well be right back with more kevin hart. When you can take your hands off the wheel to get out of a tight spot. When you can relax with your foot off the brake and stay put. Oy 400 horsepower thats both smooth and controlled. Thats the more human side of engineering. This is the lincoln summer invitation, hurry in now to your dealer for limited time offers lease an mkc for 289 a month or get 0 apr for 60 months and Just Announced 1,000 dollars summer invitation bonus. America thought our pancakes were pretty special. But we knew we could do better. So we did. We made dennys new pancakes 50 fluffier with thats the dennys loveem or theyre free guarantee. Tmobiles coverage is unstoppable. And with extended range lte it reaches farther than ever. From the powder to the pavement, skylines, coastlines, out in the country, deep in the city. We got you covered. 311 million americans and counting. And we wont stop. Were going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. Now, were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. It wont let you down. . . You got an earlymorningdad side, . . A how do i retire at 50 side. . Hang in there, dan. . Sure, you can keep the kitty side. . . Thats why theres nationwide, . . Helping to grow and protect your many sides. . . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Were here with our friend kevin hart. Kevin, as we were saying before the break, 2016 has been an enormous year for you. Yes. Stephen four big movies this year. Two out at the same time right secret life of pets, right . So like, do you even know what youre here promoting right now . I have a pretty good idea. Stephen its a kevin hart project. Its a kevin hart project, i know im in it. The toughest thing when going to the movies is making a choice of which movie of myself that i want to watch. Go to the movies and im like i want to see me but which version of me . Do i want to me as the white guy . Thats what i call the bunny. Or do i want to see me in Central Intelligence . And sometimes i say forget it and i see both, repeating myself over and over again. Stephen well, i want to make sure that 2017 is just as big for kevin hart as 2016 was. That you have a full roster of blockbusters coming, so, wed like to do something right now. Were going to try to lock down your schedule for 2017. I right here, right now. Stephen this is the late shows maybe coming soon. I like it. Stephen so i want to be clear, we have a series of projects id like to pitch to you right now. That i think would be great are you. They dont exist yet but we already made the poster for the movie because they say when you think of the movie, think of the poster first. One, okay hollywood, i hope youre listening because these projects already have kevin hart attached to them. Are you on board . Im on board. I like it, i like the way you think. Stephen okay, im very excited about this new movie of yours, this first one coming up its called ultrasound, tag line is nap time is over. You play a rock n roll baby. Tell me whats exciting you about this project. F o im Strong Enough to hold a guitar at that age. Thats exciting. Another thing, im big on being a sex symbol, as a baby, exposing your chest and having females following you. Stephen leaves very little to the imagination here. Youre a child prodigy, it turns out in this movie, who is actually already playing the guitar in the womb. Wow. Stephen thats the opening scene and an extremely painful birth because you bring the stratocaster with you. This ones gold. Stephen youre on board. Stephen this next one is exciting. This ones slightly more dramatic. Youre going to play the lead in a new period epic i hope, if we can get this going its called dog titanic, the tag line is the titanic this time with dogs. Youre playing the leo part right here, and its mutts who fall in love with purebreds in why do i look like im scared bleep of the dogs . Stephen because there is no place to take them for a walk. Theyre all down in steerage. I like that. Stephen you like this one . Stephen they just pee on the iceberg and it melts and it doesnt go down. cheers and applause y