I had to climb up the window just to get to work this morning. Its ridiculous. cheers and applause . I thought i burning. Something oh, my god put me out put me out, im on fire eddy, quick its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes riz ahmed pedro pascal and angel olsen. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now from the ed sullivan theater colbert cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey thank you so much welcome to the late show, everybody whats up, daddyo . cheers and applause hey whoo live people. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Thanks so much. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I did get a haircut, thanks for noticing. Yall ready to get in a little e bit of trouble . cheers and applause dont know what that means, but im ready, too. August is a notoriously slow news month, and it can be hard for me to find stuff to talk about. Fortunately, something popped i just want to extend my thanks to him for rising to the occasion with this truly rock solid story boner. laughter ran out. I ran out. I ran out. Today, there are new reports of sextmessages from the disgraced former congressmne disgraced former mayoral candidate. And this, just a couple weeks after weiner was caught sending out sexy messages describing his own physique as deceptively strong. Like a mongoose. laughter though i will point out that mongooses are much better at wrangling an outofcontrol snake. laughter mongoose. laughter and, of course, there are pictures. Im not going to show them, so if you want to know what they look like, put a cucumber under a linen tablecloth, and then, invite everyone in the world over to see it. With this happening again, my heart goes out to weiners wife and Hillary Clintons righthand woman huma abedin. You know what they say fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, dammit anthony laughter jup after the election laughter and earlier today, ms. Abedin released a statement, saying she and her husband will separate. audience reacts thats right, shes finally cutting off the weiner. laughter piano riff stephen thank you very much. I have been waiting for years to make that joke. laughter in the statement, she says, during this difficult time, i ask for respect for our privacy. Something shes been begging her this is so shocking. He was just on this show two three weeks ago. He didnt talk about his penis then, did he . Eight years of remarkable growth. Stephen i stand corrected. laughter applause okay, thank you very much. Heres what i dont get i dont think these women are having affairs with him, so why is he doing it has no one told him about the existence of porn . Congressman wiener, its everywhere you can even get it on that phone youre currently holding next to your penis. Maybe wiener likes the danger. He likes the danger of doing this. So, anthony, just look at porn while jumping off a cliff. You know whos got to be thrilled about the latest weiner scandal . 49ers quarterback colin kapernick, who, on friday, refused to stand for the National Anthem. Something interesting happened during a preseason game. laughter after the game, kapernick explained, i am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. Wow. No matter how you feel about his actions, you have to admit that this took guts. I think football fans tend to be pretty patriotic. Though, obviously, they all hate the patriots. laughter cheers and applause of course, kapernicks getting some blowback from his fellow players new york giants lineman justin pugh tweeted, i will be standing during the National Anthem tonight, and called kapernicks protest disrespectful. Yes, that is the nature of protests. They must be respectful. What do we want . Racial justice. When do we want it . Later, the games on. laughter and folks on the internet are saying kapernicks protest isnt that important because hes a secondstringer. And they have a point. Nobody paid attention to the i have a dream speech until m. L. K. Won that slamdunk contest. laughter now i would love to see that. He can do it. He can do it. Hed been to the mountaintop and he jumped off of it laughter the movie southside with you opened this weekend. Its the story of barack and Michelle Obamas first date in chicago in 1989. Now, if you havent seen it, i wont tell you how it turns out. No spoilers. laughter the reviews have been pretty good. Its got a 92 on rotten tomatoes. It appeals to everyone. Democrats like it because its about obama. And republicans like it because its about a time when obama wasnt president. laughter a president ial first date movie president s. Id love to see andrew and Rachel Jackson starring in trail of smiles, laughter a movie about their first date, when they went to a hanging and both laughed at the same parts. Or what about abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln starring in theres something about mary todd. laughter that was the second course. The first title was abraham lincolns beard. laughter thats why they changed it. Your reaction right now is why they changed it. And, of course, who wouldnt want to see franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt in, fdr u up . laughter which tells the romantic story of how they met at a family reunion. laughter look it up. piano riff look it up, then laugh at it. laughter all our jokes come with footnotes here. laughter of course the big news is last night, mtv held their annual video music awards, where they i believe they give an award to anyone who still makes music videos. Last night featured many asses, from beyonce, to rihanna to nicki minaj to kanye. applause kanye unveiled his new video fade featuring singer and actor Teyana Taylor sweatily dancing around a gym. Check that out. Wow. I really hope she knows its polite to wipe that equipment down before the next person uses it. laughter its just polite. Dancing, it ends with the image of a naked teyana in prosthetic cat face surrounded by sheep. To see the whole video, you have to have a tidal subscription or eat peyote and fall asleep watching thundercats. laughter applause but there was one glaring absence at last nights v. M. A. s. Taylor swift could not attend because she was in nashville serving jury duty. Someone even tweeted photos of it. This is good for her to do, but it would have been so easy for her to get out of jury duty the same way i do. I just say, im taylor swift, and they send me home. laughter now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Stephen hey cheers and applause hello. You know, theres been a lot of talk of health on the campaign trail recently, with trump people saying that Hillary Clinton has a secret illness. And they may have a point. If she wasnt sick, why is she calling for universal healthcare . Doesnt make any sense. Of course, this opens up questions about Donald Trumps health. I mean, hes got the kind of glow you only get from being in top shape or after vacationing at chernobyl. laughter to prove how fit he is for the presidency, last december trump released his full Health Records which was a onepage letter from his physician. A note from his doctor should be enough its how he got out of vietnam audience reacts applause the doctor in question is gastroenterologist and trumps strategic hair reserve, dr. Harold bornstein. Hello hey im your doctor, lets drop those trous, im gonna poke around laughter bend over, here comes the choochoo train laughter he looks like a guy who can not only write you a prescription for drugs, but tell you what they taste like. Some people are concerned that his letter isnt enough to prove trumps health. After all, it begins,to whom my concern. laughter laughter and bornstein proved hes a gastroenterologist because the letter seems like he yanked it from where the sun dont shine. For example, his assertion that mr. Trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results. laughter and positive results are always good Blood Pressure . Positive cholesterol . Positive positive laughter some people thought the letter was written by trump himself, since it describes his health in terms like extraordinary and astonishingly excellent and, if elected, mr. Trump, i can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency. Of course, thats only if he keeps taking his prescription of k. F. C. And taco bowls. laughter with so many questions about this letter, last week, nbc news tracked down dr. Bornstein, who was in his Manhattan Office and not as his other job playing the lute at a ren fest. laughter . . Stephen and would ye like a turkey leg . laughter and bornstein revealed why the letter seems rusd i thought about it all day and, at the end, i get rushed and i get anxious when i get rushed. I had five minutes to sit at right this desk and write that letter while the driver waited. Stephen rushed, anxious, five minutes, driver waiting. You definitely want the candidates physical to sound like losing your virginity on prom night. Honestly, he looks like a very questionable gandolf right now. laughter dont get in the van with gandolf, kids laughter honestly, i have to wonder, is dr. Bornstein is healthy enough to judge whether or not trump is healthy enough for the presidency . Well, to answer that question, we have obtained an exclusive letter from trumps doctors doctor. I have it right here. This postit note, which reads this postit note, which reads to why it am concerned dr. Bornstein great healthy man. Good at doctoring trump, best at medicine forever, signed, dr. Realdoctor. Gotta run, ubers here. laughter well be right back with riz ahmed. . cheers and applause ill have that goat cheese garden salad. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. . . . . Only those who dare drive the world forward. Introducing the firstever cadillac ct6. Of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max ever. . Rockabye michael, your day is through. . . Cause sealys support is perfect for you. . Only the sealy hybrid has Posturepedic Technology to support you where you need it most. Sealy. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is an english actor and rapper best known for his acclaimed role as nasir khan in hbos the night of. Please welcome, riz ahmed. . Nice to have you. Really good to be here. Stephen normally when we have somebody whos a part of a really hot show like yours, the night of which is amazing, it took over the slot for game of thrones. It is. Stephen but scarier. We showed a clip. Im hooked on the series and i havent seen the insisted they show no clip so i wouldnt have spoilers. So keep in mind, i dont know how it ends. Okay. Stephen yeah. O how are we going to talk about the show . Stephen in code. laughter lets talk at you. Id rather talk about you first. A year ago, i didnt know your name. No offense. I didnt know who riz ahmed was. Youre on a rocket ride right now applause feels weird. We have the same, you wait an hour for a london bus and then three come along at once. From the inside, i have been working steadily on a bunch of indie projects for a long time. From the inside, this doesnt feel like it happened overnight, but i can understand. Stephen no, youre always been there to you. Yeah, i have been here the whole t okay, so can i talk about how this part came to you . Did you foe anything about the project if did you know anything about the creators when you got this . I actually have to be honest. I knew nothing about the projects. I was coming back from the Film Festival and my agent said im sending you a script, read it on the plane, youre going to audition as soon as you land. Im so behind, i still havent seen breaking bad. Happy ending, yeah. laughter good. And i kind of the name hbo meant something to me but i kind of associate it more with latenight boxing. Stephen mmhmm. O im, like, yes, interesting, branching out. Stephen primarily boxing and a drama or two. laughter yeah. Stephen uhhuh. I remember the script is so good, i thought, whoever wrote him, and turned out to be the guys who wrote schindlers list and the wire and laughter stephen yeah, theyre going to be okay. Your family is originally from pakistan, correct . Yes. Stephen and you are born in england . Yes. Stephen we have one person from every country in the world. Is there a difference between the americanmuslim experience and the englishmuslim experience . Whats interesting is i think the word asian means Something Different that be in the u. K. Stephen asian here means chinese, japanese, thailand, southeast asian. In the u. K. It means peopleli so its different being asian in the u. S. Because people would come up to me and try to speak to me in spanish, first of all. Stephen yeah, yeah. That doesnt happen so much if you look at me in the u. K. I would say, no, im asian, and they would look at me like im crazy. So there is that different, i guess. No, i kind of feel like, when i was growing up, i felt like i britishpakistani. But i feel this day in age, this is what british looks like and hopefully through nasir khan, people will see thats what an american can look like as well. applause stephen do you have any issues when you travel here in because, you know, donald trump says no muslims. No muslims to the united states. Do you have any he kind of always says foreigners are coming over here taking jobs. I kind of agree. There is a lot of british actors on tv right now over here. Stephen hello. Absolutely. applause its not good. Stephen its not right. Theyve got to build a wall around the audition room or something, keep them away. laughter but, yeah, i kind of do have trouble. Here. Stephen a secondary search . A random search. Stephen i thought it was a deeper search. I get searched by fans and they can be really thorough. Stephen are you fans surprised when they find out you are english . Because i did not know you were english till you started talking. Flap flap. Great. Stephen thats on me. You should have done your research. Stephen its my fault. But are people s youre not from queens . laughter its kind of weird, as soon as i land in the city were filming, i think im going to Start Talking in the accent of the character to the first person i meet on the production. So they think thats how i talk. So out of embarrassment, i cant go back on that. Stephen so you get tangled in a lie. Yes, deeper and deeper into this lie and i just speak in to me and say you dont have an accent, you must be from london. And i say, yeah. But when we wrap, they can feel betried. When we wrap up i go up and say, thanks a lot, mate, i appreciate it. They say, i dont know you who are you . laughter stephen this year you will be in rogue one. There are a lot of things you cant tell me, right . Yeah. Stephen is there anything that doesnt end in a dance number . Anything you can tell us . I can tell you how we filmed it a little bit. Its kind of different than the star wars movies. Feel. Our director would often operate the camera and we would do these really intense scenes where we would do it again and again and again without stopping, just again and again. And, so, the whole film has a really Intense Energy and, partly, thats because of that process because partly we never got to break to go to the toilet within that process at all. Stephen so if i see a shot of you and you look furious, your bladder is so full a little bit, yeah. Stephen ou bladder, yeah. laughter yeah, basically. Stephen one thing i did find out about you was that you actually were a rapper called riz emcee . I still am. Stephen okay, good. I suppose once always. Yeah. Stephen could you drop some knowledge for us right now . applause do you need anything . So i used to do free style rap battles. So it could be like coper in a blacktite what a sharp gent, looks like the chat show version of clark kent laughter im from the u. K. Where its not just Downton Abbey and those posh peeps, dont believe that lie like you heard it from ryan lochte. laughter applause thank you. Stephen the night of is available on hbo go and hbo now. Riz ahmed, everybody. Well be right back with my thoughts on bill clintons potential role as first dude. band playing cheers and applause . Take on any road with intuitive allwheel drive. The nissan rogue, murano and pathfinder. Now get 0 apr for 72 months, plus 500 bonus cash. . baby laughs . . . baby laughs what muscle pain . What headache . What arthritis pain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer advil. To those who dont run from mud. But through it. Who know it wasnt a day at the beach. Unless someone got buried. To the fullbacks. Gearheads. And those with green thumbs. To the sticky. The stinky. Even those who get a little icky. To all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up. I am sebastian artois. Brewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. band playing cheers and applause welcome back, everybody folks, theres no other way to put it, donald trump laughter i know i talk about donald trump a lot on this show, but its quite possible that, after 240 years of male president s, america may finally elect. A male first lady. And as americas potential first ladies man, bill clinton is already making spousal history because, last week, he participated in what Family Circle magazine used to call the first lady cookie contest. But now that bill is on the scene, theyve renamed it the president ial cookie poll. laughter because when youre forcing the spouses of president ial candidates to be judged on their baking, you dont want to sound sexist. The contest goes back to 1992, during bills first president ial campaign, when hillary gave a controversial interview where she said, i suppose i could have stayed home and baked her comments were taken as a slight against stayathome moms. Not to mention the powerful keebler lobby. laughter they employ over 50 of americas elves laughter but Family Circle saw hillarys remark as the perfect opportunity to start a cookie competition, and what started out as a gaffe became a fun contest. Just like when hillary made that gaffe with her email server, delete your cookies contest. laughter cheers and applause