Gloves included with the return kit. Step two put on another pair of dplostles step three tell your wife you love her. Now youre ready to start packing step foyer ging oral pick up phone using the complimentary Samsung Phone tongs. Im sorry, were all a little on edge here. Step five wrap the box in a its the late show with stephen colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Nick Offerman. Wayne gretzy. And morgan spurlock. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you very much hey, everybody whats going on . Hey, whats up . Thanks everybody. Welcome to the late show. Thanks so much. Nice to be here. Time with every night. Thank you so much for being here, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im stephen colbert, your host. It is another Beautiful Day in the trumpy hood. Another Beautiful Day for him to show you his wood. Allegedly. There is continuing fallout an grabup from last weeks bigmouth billy bush. Did you know there is someone else running for president . Hillary clinton. Its true, you can look it. Every day, we get another revelation about clinton from wikileaks. Any more, and were going to need wikidepends. Cant even tell im wearing a pair. The latest the latest wikiwikileakyleaky, is a list of the Vice President s hillary it was just released. It includes political superstars like minnesota senator amy klobuchar, and secretary of agriculture tom vilsack the vilsack attack. Also in this wikileakreleased list are Business Leaders like apple c. E. O. Tim cook and starbucks c. E. O. Howard schultz. But, apparently, hillary decided against schultz because the race already had one pumpkinspiced candidate. But there were alst on the full list, and Clinton Campaign chair john podesta organized them, apparently, into women, latinos, african americans, and military and Business Leaders. Groups he called rough food groups. Which, of course, can only mean one thing john podesta eats people. Probably could mean other things, too, but thats the coincidentally, i just got my hands on Donald Trumps list of potential v. P. S. Its tom brady, meatloaf, all my kids not tiffany and a handdrawn picture of boobs. Pretty good. Pretty good likeness. Jon i see that. Speaking of rambly old men, last prize in literature. applause yeah. Im on board. I love it i love it. This is great for bob, and it finally proved someone can understand what hes saying. Theres just one problem the Nobel Academy says they cant find bob dylan to give him his prize. He could be anywhere, but if i i might try the kiva auditorium in albuquerque, new mexico, because thats where he is. Grab him during a hard rains gonna fall. Thats, like, a fifteenminute song. You guys like dylan . Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen dylan is amazing. I love his lyrics. You have seen him lately . He does mumble a lot and he likes to change up the i saw him at Madison Square garden it was, like, i dont know, 200 a ticket or something, and he played alternative tunes, too, like hit songs. And you also cant understand what hes singing, so you dont know what song hes playing at any time of day. Like, the entire thing, i hear him say, hey. Is this tambourine man . Is he doing tambourine man right now . I heard a hey. I cant tell. Wait, he said, maggie. Covering rod stewarts maggie may. Someone, pass out a glossary now, the Nobel Committee says they will celebrate with or without kill an. If he doesnt want to come, he wont come. It will be a big party in any case. Someone just won the nobel passiveaggressive prize. Meow meow applause cheers nobody likes the guy at the party who picks up a guitar and starts playing bob dylan songs. laughter anyway, nobel people, if you really cant find him, just play one of his songs in a commercial. His lawyers will find you. Now say hello to some actual tambourine men, jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Tambourine man play a song for me . Stephen jon, do you know why im excited . You can guess why im excited . Jon snap, why that . Stephen tomorrow, tomorrow night we will ed sullivan theater after the president ial debate. Show time, baby. There is no time like show time. Were going to do it. Jon were going to get them good. Stephen yeah. Where were we . Thank you, thank you, tambourine man. Folks, its been 11 days since we heard donald trump on the gropetown express, and a lot of length. But one person is standing by him, his wife and strategic eye shadow reserve, melania trump. laughter yesterday, melania did interview for both fox news and cnn. She would have gone on msnbc, but Steve Kornacki gets jealous when another supermodel is on the network. The man is an adonis. Now, last night on the Anderson Cooper power hour, melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trumps behavior. They were kind of a boy talk, and he was lead on, like egg on, from the host to say dirty and bad stuff. Stephen yes, it was all billy bushs fault. laughter now i know why they were on a bus. Its easier to throw billy underneath it. laughter applause so, let me get this straight. Melanias defense of donald trump the man who wrote art of the deal is that he got outmaneuvered by a guy who has been deemed by the today show to be unqualified to watch someone else make a festive fall frittata . If billy bush can donald trump, we have it tow keep him away from heavy hitters like mario lopez. Who put a picture of Steve Kornacki up there . Just imagine what impact billy will have once trump has the Nuclear Codes . Hey, mr. Trump, this is me, billy bush. I think its time to teach finland a lesson. What would you do . I would bomb the bleep out of em. Id blow up every single inch, there would be nothing left. Stephen gone, finland. Now, these melania interviews were themselves a surprise because weve barely seen her since the republican convention, where she plagiarized michelle obama. But now that she has resurfaced, we at the late show want in. So please welcom live via satellite, melania trump. Thank you. cheers and applause mrs. , laughter my pleasure, stephen. And i want you to know we are completely alone. There is no one else in the room coaching me. laughter . Stephen okay, okay. Good to know. Now, we havent seen you much since your speech at the convention. Yes, that is my choice. They did not send me to live in an undisclosed location. My life is not a photo op. laughter stephen so, okay. How are you dealing with the pressure of the campaign . Stephen, why are we talking about me . We need to focus on important issues facing our nation, like how the election is rigged. Stephen really . Whos rigging it . The leftwing media, bush. Stephen billy bush. So you dont blame your husband for what he said . Yes, i do. I said to my husband that those words are very unappropriate. Plus, he said them on a bus. Disgusting. laughter this is not the man i married. Stephen well, have you forgiven your husband . Yes. laughter applause stephen you have . Yes, yes, apparently because he he explained it was locker room talk. I did not know this, but when american men gather to sport, they always brag of grabbing women by the billy bush. laughter stephen im sorry. The billy bush . Boosh. Ph okay. So youve forgiven him. I have morthan forgiven, stephen. I have forgotten stephen its hard to believe anyone can forget what he said. Forget what was today . Stephen okay, but numerous women have said they were groped by your husband, as well as beauty pageant contestants who say he walked in on them while they were naked. Except the ones where theres videotape. Then its locker room talk. Stephen explain something to me, how is it locker room talk walking in on pageant contestants . Its a womens locker room. Stephen. My husband is kind. He is a gentleman. Stephen okay, hes a gentleman, then why did he say he didnt do it because they were too ugly . Hes raw. He tells it like it is. And these women, woof. Am i right. Up top. Stephen i cant highfive you over satellite. Mrs. Trump, are you all right . I am fine. Im certainly not blinking out in morse code that someone else is in the room telling me what to say. laughter stephen okay. Do you think these scandals will doom your husbands chances among women . No. Women know its boy talk. Bad boys, bad boys, what you stephen i hate to point this out, but your husband isnt a boy. Hes a 70yearold man. Boys, men its the same. No matter how nice they seem, secretly theyre all foulmouthed billybushgrabbing pigs. Im talking about your husband, your brother, the pope, luke skywalker, all of them. Stephen all men are like this . Yes. Theyre all animals. If only a woman could be president. cheers and applause stephen well, i dont know how to say this, i mean, melania, actually, Hillary Clinton is a woman. Why dont you just vote for her . Aaahoh i cant hear you, stephen. Oh, no, our connection is breaking up. Stephen melania trump, everybody. Well be right back with Nick Offerman and his technicolor. Your Car Insurance policy is 22 pages long. Did you read every word . No, only lawyers do that. So when you got rearended and needed a tow, your Insurance Company told you to look at page five on your policy. Did it say great news. Youre covered on page five . No. It said, blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. The Liberty Mutual app with coverage compass . Makes it easy to know what youre covered for and what youre not. Liberty stands with you. Liberty mutual insurance. First theres sharp blades. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. What . . Aand you got unlimited data because you have directv . . Cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data , im jamie foxx for verizon. In the nations largest independent study by rootmetrics, verizon is americas most reliable network. And im jamie foxx for sprint, with no wins in reliability in any state. You need to stop your shenanigans. Iim. Youre not jamie foxx. Im close enough, just like sprint. Take it in. Oh yeah, there you go. Eh . Yeah. Oh. sighs dont get fooled by a cut rate network. Verizon gives you tons of data without all the restrictions. Get twenty gigs and four lines for only 160, with no surprise overages. On americas best network. My first guest is an actor, author, and woodworker. His new book is good clean fun misadventures in sawdust at offerman woodshop. Please welcome back to the show, Nick Offerman. . . . applause thats a nice piece. Stephen that is a nice piece we have over there, isnt it . Look at that lovely lady over there. Nice joinery. Stephen for the people who didnt join us last time nick was on. Thats the end table he made to have on set here. Its gorgeous. And sturdy, too, sturdy. Thank you. Stephen i wouldnt i wouldnt trust any end table you couldnt stand on. No, you could park a prius on that thing. laughter . Stephen but would you . I would not. Stephen no, you would not. Thank you, good to see you. Stephen quick question about the beard can we . Sure. Stephen is that too personal . No, bring it on. Stephen for some men, growing a beard you have to be patient. Is having a beard not a decision for you . Having a beard, youre so associated. Thank you. I hate shaving is i guess the short of it. Stephen just the face . Yes, just the face. Favorite part to shave. Every place else is a pain. Then you put the aftershave in and it stings like hell, man. It stings. Anyway, thanks very much, thanks very much. No, its my pleasure. I like to present myself as Mother Nature intended. laughter stephen all right. Cant do that on cbs, im afraid. Now, im a cubs fan upon youre were taping this before the game tonight. Thats right. Stephen in l. A. How are you handling the stress . Well, you know, i have i have a compart mentallization system. Like, when i allditioned for the role of iran swanson, it took five months to get the job, so for that five months i had to put that information in this drawer that thats not attached to a motion. So i know that something mgh would be very good for my baseball team. But i im not attaching emotion to it. And when do you attach the emotion to it . laughter youve loved and lost, is what youre saying. And now youre afraid to feel. I suppose so. laughter ive ive become inured to feeling. Stephen how do you stay so zen about this . You have a sen say, right . You dedicate some of this to your sense. Means teacher in japanese, in Theater School stephen thats what a lot of parents say when they find out their kids are going to Theater School. Where is your son . In Theater School haha. In Theater School in champagne, illinois, there was a gentleman who taught tea ceremony, and black ink ti champagne, but we were lucky to have him. And he and i really hit it off. I would help him in his garden and he would teach me about zen he blew my mind. We were pulling weeds and he said the notion to pull weeds is the same thing that causes us to go to war. And i said inhails please please elaborate. And he said, you know, we want receive all the nutrients and the sun, and we want to kill the bad sprowts that are taking all of our oil and so forth. laughter stephen did you find a war hawk zen master . That doesnt sound necessarily antiwar . He is he is eye wonderfully sweet artist. And he was simply who will kill you if you try to take his oil. That may have been my paraphrasing of his lesson. Stephen okay. He married megan and i with a tea ceremony. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen thats delightful. He gave me some of the greatest lessons of my life that i didnt know until later would just always stick with me. And its a lot of what this book is about. Woodworking for me is where i can always maintain the attitude of a student, which is what his greatest lesson to me ever was. Stephen i want to find out book and i want to talk about wood. Well be right back with more Nick Offerman. applause . . . Sick of getting gouged for limited data . Introducing tmobile one. One price, all unlimited for everyone. Get 4 lines for 35 per month each with unlimited 4g lte data. Switch today. foot steps . . heart beat . water splashing rain drops engine revving tires on wet road . Lease the exhilarating 2017 lincoln mkz for 349 a month only at your lincoln dealer. . Every time i travel, its the moments that are most rewarding. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts today. Faster, faster on that old pc . You know. I know. New pcs are lightning fast. And yet here is the worlds fastest swimmer on the worlds slowest computer. You know about it, now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. . . Lly map them for you. Introducing clarifye, no other eyeexam is more precise. Applebees usda choice top sirloin isnt just a top choice cut of meat. For under 10 bucks, its a top choice for your wallet. Applebees new handcut, wood fired grilled steak. Now only 9. 99 for a limited time. Only at applebees. Sick of getting gouged for limited data . Introducing tmobile one. Get 4 lines for 35 per month each with unlimited 4g lte data. From a ranchers perspective, we feel that often washington is removed from what we need. Senator bennet is different. Michael bennet has been at the ready and always willing to listen. When the federal government wanted to increase grazing fees, senator bennet stepped up and helped put a stop that. Im a republican, but i know that Michael Bennet trusts us and we trust him. Im Michael Bennet and i approve this message. applause stephen hey, everybody. Were back here with the bearded and a c Nick Offerman. Nick, youve got a new book you didnt want to put it down on the thing . Theres nothing to use as a coaster . Theres no coaster. Stephen you actually have a present for me. What do you been that . Stephen you made these for me i actually havent seen these until this second. Im thrilled. Its beautiful wooden coasters. Can we get a shot of that . It has the brand of the Offerman Stephen whats that mean . You see the dark lines . Stephen thats spalting . Yes, its a fungus. When the tree falls and moisture begins to seep in, specifically in maple, it gets these cool lines. And if you mill it soon enough, you just get a cool pattern. If you leave it for a couple more months, then it rots away and its garbage. Stephen wow. If a tree falls in the woods a it make a coaster . Exactly. Stephen would you put that over there. There you go, sir. The book is called good clean fun. And its your joy and love of working with wood and what it does for you to do it. Do you have a personal relationship to wood . Sure. The older i get the more my intimacy with wood consumes a stephen talking about the cubs for a second here, what are baseball bats made out of . Primarily ash. Stephen thats exactly right. Point for the man with the bird. Were in a little bit of trouble because the emerald bore beetle is destroying the ash population of the planet. Louisville sluggers in trouble for real. Stephen are Nuclear Weapons even on the table with this one . Because we have to save bats. What can be done . Im not joking. What can be done to save the ash tree . Theres been no solution. Europe is almost and i think of ash trees. Stephen they dont play baseball so it doesnt matter. Thats true. But ash is used to make hurling bats. Stephen a harley, there you go. We have some wood here. And i understand you have a personal relationship to wood, and i wanted to get your feel business wood. What does it say to you . Heres a piece of macog me. Mahogany how does it speak to you . How would you characterize it . Its like royalty. If you respect it, then you will not be punished. laughter and when treated with adoration, it gives off a gentle sheen. laughter ste