It doesnt come out till january. Stephen id like it now, please. January. Stephen damn it i dont have to wait, im going to make my own breakfast cereal. laughter ahhh mmm. What are you doing . Stephen im eating cereal. How did you get in here . Im a girl scout. I have were, like, adorable little navy seals. But im not feeling that adorable right now. Stephen why . Because i did the thing with the cereal and the cookies . I took an oath to be courteous and cheerful, and i try by god, i try. But when i see our thin mints to mend it stephen fine i just love your cookies so much i wanted to try your cookie cereal, but ill just wait ill wait till january, okay . Just dont hurt me shes crazy youre crazy im scared. You know what . Im not going to let her tell me what to do. Im going to eat this cereal right out of the trash can. Im watching you show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes Mary Louise Parker. Pusha t. And musical guest the Record Company. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Hey, everybody welcome to the late show. cheers and applause oh . audience chanting stephen . Thanks, everybody thank you so much welcome to the late show hey, jon whats going on . Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. Chanting my name, thats amazing, i just feel like asking all of you to marry me right now. I dont know, there is something in the air. Well, only 12 days are left and donald trump cheering thats such a happy thought. Just hold on, snoopy. Jon hold on stephen but heres the deal. Donald trump is getting a lot of heat for taking time off from campaigning to open his new trump hotel just a mile from the white house which, hopefully, is as close as he gets. laughter cheers and applause i dont know. Maybe we could put up one of those invisible fences and a shock collar like you give your doberman. laughter but yesterday, trump was asked about and had a perfect defense for the ribbon cutting. I cant take one hour off to cut a ribbon at one of the great hotels of the world . I mean, i think im entitled to it. Stephen yes, i think im entitled to it. applause yeah. And his pickup line at bars. audience reacts jon oh oh oh stephen i mean, after all the money i spent on tic tacs, i think im entitled to it. laughter and trump seized the moment to turn the tables on hillary i think its so unfair because, you know, Hillary Clinton goes to see an adele concert last night, and everybody says, oh, wasnt that nice . Isnt that wonderful . She goes, she does one stop, she has no energy, shes got nothing going. She does one stop, and nobody complains about that. Nobody complains when she goes to an adele concert all night long. Stephen yeah, nobody complained, except for bill after she screamed the entire song hello directly into his face. laughter point is, the election is getting ugly. Or as trump would say, it wouldnt be my first choice. applause i dont think so, folks. Listen to this shocking act of vandalism. Today, before the sun rose, a star was attacked on the hollywood walk of fame. Donald trumps star. A protester smashed it with a sledgehammer and then posted the video online. Stephen a lot of people are applauding this, but this is the hollywood walk of fame. As a tv star, trump has earned the right to have his name urinated on by a guy in a spiderman costume. laughter applause all right . And defacing public property isnt the only dirty trick the democrats have pulled this election. Conservative activist james okeefe has released hidden camera footage of democratic operatives discussing plans to disrupt donald trump rallies. And the footage is pretty damning. I mean honestly, it is not hard to get some of these bleep to pop off. Its a matter of showing up, to want to get into the rally, in a planned parenthood tshirt. Or, you know, trump is a nazi, you know . You can message to draw them out, and draw them to punch you. Stephen so democratic operatives were training paying activists to incite violence at trump rallies. Which is a waste of money. Donald trump already does that for free. And now okeefe has released a video of d. N. C. Member and man who really should have gone into caught on hidden camera admitting he sent a man in a donald duck costume to disrupt a trump rally. In the end, it was the candidate, Hillary Clinton, the future president of the united states, who wanted ducks on the ground. So by god, we will get ducks on the ground. Stephen yes, Hillary Clinton ordered ducks on the ground. It was all part of operation iqwacky freedom. applause now, we spend a lot of time talking about trump and hillary on this show. But theres a third candidate whos surprised people with his momentum. Sorry, libertarians, its not gary johnson. Im talking about independent candidate Evan Mcmullin. Anybody recognize him . You shouldnt because that wasnt him. Thats a stock photo titled caucasian politician smiling in government building. This is Evan Mcmullin, the conservative mormon who, in one recent poll, is ahead of both donald trump and Hillary Clinton in utah. This is unprecedented. A candidate youve never heard of could win a state youve never been to. So who is Evan Mcmullin . Hes a 40yearold independent who spent ten years in the c. I. A. Hunting down alqaedas. Leaders. Hes a c. I. A. Agent and his cover is so deep, hes running for president , and we had no idea. Thats good hes really good we didnt know. Nobody knew. Stephen this is the american dream, ladies and gentlemen. A regular guy sees something wrong with the system, so he jumps into the race, and the some are calling it reminiscent of Jimmy Stewart in mr. Smith goes to washington. Not to be confused with Jimmy Stewart in its a wonderful life, which reminds us of how watching this election makes us wish wed never been born. laughter now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . cheers and applause stephen i love the beethoven, jon. Jon so do i. Stephen beethoven can be a little spooky, dramatic. Jon almost halloween. Stephen what are you going to be for halloween, man . Stephen i was a power i was the red ranger but i never left my house. Stephen you got dress up as the red ranger and then just sat in your house . There is proof on instagram to prove it. I put it on but i was embarrassed so i didnt leave. Stephen why were you embarrassed . Because when i was a kid, i wanted to be the red ranger. Stephen but why were you embarrassed to be the red ng anymore. Stephen i love halloween. Please dont be embarrassed. Yeah. Stephen i love halloween. You like it . Jon i love it. Its great. Stephen you know the one thing halloween lacks is there is no really good halloween noveltiy songs. Sure, theres the monster mash, but thats over 50 years old. We need a new one. I recently took the matter into so, i got together with my good friends, hip hop impressarios run the jewels, and we created what i have to believe will be an instant holiday classic. So tonight, im proud to present the World Premiere of the song youll all be singing with your ghouls and goblins. This is the halloween wiggle. Aye ha ha ha ha . The moon was full . . It was late at night . . I could f i something wasnt quite right . . I walked downstairs and i opened the door . . And what i saw set me jaw to the floor . . At first i was scared . . Then i started to giggle . . cause i saw dragla do the halloween wiggle . . This aint ya daddys monster mash. The jewel, the jewel . . The graveyard smash. Im about to find out if youre . Spread your cobwebs, arch your back and ill stick my hand down your candy sack . . Halloween might you bite on your pillow like its a marshmallow . . Listen up close . . There is a creepy wiggle i dig the most . . Stretch your back wings, make them clap and dont forget to do the skeleton clap . . Make the pumpkin clap . Unwrapped snickers. Stick my face in a candy bar . . Turn you around, lick your hershey . . Fun, if you bring your gang . . Be ware of casper and his spooky chain . . Keep your eyes peeled for ghouls and ghost . . Halloweens a treat and i dig it the most . . Take it to the graveyard . . Gonna give you a treat because youre my trait . . You dress as a witch . . Ill provide the broomstick . . Trick or treating is about as much as fun as you can get . . I whip out my monster bleep . . And were still wiggling, the halloween wiggle . . Make the candy apples jiggle jiggle girl . . Just to be clear, were . But now the partys over and its time to scoot . . So go home guys . . Put some candles on . . And jack your lantern till the break of dawn . Kids are washing. He said hershey bleep . You said hershey bleep . Youre laughing about it. . cheers and applause stephen thank you run the jules well be right back i was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why activating thrusters. Target acquired. Dang it ah come on astronauts can vote from space. Take a break from the election with red or blue tea. Make time for snapple. . . I am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. So i trade with e trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. cannon sound i wont. Emerge restored. D. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . . Ill get you dancing. . , . To the diggy diggy diggity do. . . This is my town. If you dont know now you know. . . Do that thing that you do. . . Ill show you a new move. . . This is my town. . Save five when you spend thirty on costumes and d . Cor at target. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. If you watch the show regularly, you know im a practicing catholic. Unfortunately, i dont make it to church as often as i used to, and the thing i miss most is confession. Unburdening myself of my sins takes a huge weight off like the pope must feel when he takes off that huge hat. laughter so, i was wondering if i could make a few confessions tonight to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. . cheers and applause standard disclaimer these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. or organ music forgive me, audience you know those little silica packets that have a warning on them saying do not eat . Thats because of me. I tell people i want to be cremated, but really i hope someone puts my skin on a robot. laughter sometimes i tell people im too busy to read, but really i just dont want to spoil any book in case it becomes an hbo show. laughter not only do i not know how to fold a fitted sheet, i dont believe it can be done. laughter applause knockknock, i pretend im not home. laughter audience whenever i hear some nerd go on and on about star wars, i want to slap him with my original Star Wars Episode 7, replica kylo ren light saber in its original packaging. laughter applause sometimes on the street, i check my pulse and look at my watch just to make people think ive been exercising. laughter yeah, im in the zone. I read erotic fan fiction, but i write erotic fan nonfiction. Im sad that obama is leaving office, but im really looking forward to seeing him get kind of fat. laughter i dont like shag carpeting because it looks like someone killed and skinned a muppet. laughter ive only been rockclimbing once. And boy, w applause i tell everyone im a hufflepuff, but im actually more of a chandler because i took the wrong quiz. laughter i love sunrises because, by then, ive usually finished burying the body. Stephen thanks. Well be right back with Mary Louise Parker. . cheers and applause enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. What . . Aand you got unlimited data because you have directv . . Okay, just a few more steps. Its cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data when you switch to at t and have directv. . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . . I said, its getting hot in herre . 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High blood sugar has been seen with latuda and medicines like it, and in extreme cases can lead to coma or death. Other risks include decreased white blood cells, which can be fatal, dizziness on standing, seizures, increased cholesterol, weight or prolactin, trouble swallowing and impaired judgment. Avoid grapefruit and grapefruit juice. Use caution before driving or operating machinery. S i get to be a part of lifes little moments. And that means so much to me. Ask your doctor if oncedaily latuda is right for you. Pay as little as a 15 copay. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is youre too generous. chanting Stephen Stephen my first guest tonight is a golden globe, emmy, and Tony Awardwinning actress and writer. She now stars in heisenberg on broadway. Please welcome marylouise parker hi happy almost halloween. Stephen you, too. Do you do the halloween still . Do you dress up . Oh, yeah. Handsfree candy. It starts now, though. My kids were getting it from the doorman. Dont they have that where you live, like they have the bucket out already with candy . Stephen i dont live in a doorman building. Im sorry, stephen. Stephen ill get there. Ill put some outside your place. Stephen do you still dress up. Last year someone thought i was dressed as me. Stephen they thought you were somebody dressing up to be Mary Louise Parker . Yeah. They said, shes not as tall as you, though. Stephen do you have a costume worked out for this year . This year my daughter and i are going to be vampires. Stephen thats cool. Im a vampire every year. Okay. Stephen its the sexiest of the undead. Right. Stephen dont you think . I guess so. I mean, i went one year, i did mermaid and then i did an elf because my son wanted to be santa, and i got a lot of attention as the elf, i have to say more than snow white or the mermaid. D it was a more demure costume. Kind of nordic, fantasy, like north pole, velvet, crushed velvet. Stephen okay. We should move on. This is cbs. So you were at show time for years. I was. I went on show time back when people made fun of me for being on show time. Stephen i never made fun were going to do our show live on show time from 11 00 to 12. Would you advise that . If youre on show time you have to be at least partially naked. Its also a good idea, are you going to have sex . Some sexual laughter stephen on air, live . With some punitive tone, a light ratings. Stephen depends on how the polls are coming in. You dont have to. I mean, you know. Stephen im up for it. Im up for it. Yeah. Now, you live in a doorman building, you said, but i understand you also have a farm you care about. I do care. I like that. I care for my farm. Stephen some people have farms but they dont live there. They take a picture of it. Stephen exactly. This is maple syrup we tapped the trees for this syrup. Thats my daddy on the back. Stephen oh, thats really sweet. I know, and we its just straight out of the tree. Stephen high moon creek. Boil it. You cant just take it straight out of the tree. We boil it quite extensively a few times and filter it. Stephen you you could, its not as sweet. Are you going to taste it . Im so excited. cheering stephen thats damn fine thats good, right . Stephen wow whats that, like a medium amber . What is this . This is the first crop, first batch, so its nice, right . Stephen thats really good. Wow. So you birth the animals. I understand you had troubles with a randy goat. Well, the goats are given me lots of opportunities as an adult. I get to say my favorite sentence ive ever said to my children which was could one of you get that umbilical cord off the coffee table . laughter yeah. Stephen yeah, one of the things weve lost in our modern life. It is. I liked being able to i loved that dialogue. Stephen ea i wasnt pushing for castration of the goat stephen so the goat was in trouble with the herd . Yeah, lobbying for the other dude goats who werent getting a shot. They werent getting any chances at the lady goats. Stephen thats major. This one billy goat was really ravaging the lady goats. Stephen bully or stud . Fine line. I see what you mean. He was really straddling that but in the end i felt like he laughter applause yeah, okay. He went after my sons goat, who i have a real soft spot for, and thats when i really said this is where it stops. Stephen get the gelding sheers. Theyre actually called denutters. I swear to god they are. If you ever have me on again which you probably wont, ill g in that chair. laughter it really was my way of i was trying to end list the support of everyone elses support of the male goats. They werent getting any play. The ladies were limping around, bleating sadly to themselves. They were exhausted. Stephen so did you end up chopping off the nuts of this goat . In fact, we didnt. Down and we ultimately dearmed the goat. Stephen was he that bad . Im pretty good with anatomy, but when it comes to extremes stephen goat time. Exactly. We thought if we could go with the horns that would calm him down. Stephen do you take the horns off . Yeah, and it sort his whole stephen because he cant fight the other goats . Because he had with the cover band going, like with the commodores or something. He was shrinking up to all the other goats. Stephen did not follow the commodores met